alg24 Posted June 10, 2010 Posted June 10, 2010 I am just thinking/venting here and would love input... My MM and I have been done for awhile now, and I can happily say I've been keeping NC... But as a great ready for bed I am having a moment... I think about the A I had... I think about how bitter, angry, sad, etc. I am left.... At the age of 21 this A has really changed many things in my life. I do not blame everything on MM; I equally participated and I am not very proud of the choices I made/engaging in this A. But I think about MM and what he has said/done. At this point I could care less about the lies. He is a liar and cheater of course. But I think about how he knew I loved him and he knew I was hurting. He is separated from his W and he considers himself single now... He would call me and tell me to leave him alone forever, then the next day call me and leave voicemails that he wants to speak to me. He would call me 6-7 times in the course of 10 minutes and freak out at me if I was not available to talk to him. What gave him that right? And of course there was a point that I allowed such behavior where others would not. He was beyond possessive and controlling. And I understand some MM are not. But these MM (and maybe MW) make the OP sometimes seem like the crazy ones... But really its the other way around... I think about how he would tell me he wanted to "stick with me" and he missed me. But then would freak out and ask me what I wanted from him because he does not want a relationship. But why do they do this? I look at my "relationship" with my exMM and I think to myself why does he keep coming back? I stayed because I was young, obsessed, and "loved him." I truly did not enjoy the drama but I kept thinking perhaps I could fix him. WRONG. But why did he keep coming back? He did not love me, he did not care... Find another person... Use your hand.. Yes, he still calls me etc. I ignore... At first he blew up my cell phone.. It was out of control... Now he has slowed down... Is it for the sex? Because I would not think its worth it.. He tells me his stbx does not want us speaking and threatens taking his children away but yet he still blows up my cell phone (with another number) So my question is why are they so crazy? And why do we allow this? Why do we allow ourselves be put through this? The "relationship" is not real. Why do we let ourselves hurt over this and cry? Why do we affect our health for these MM/MW? If I a MM/MW really loved you they would have not had an A to begin with... Thats how I feel... If they were truly morally good people they would have ended the marriage, remained everything for their children and started up something up once the dust settled and they were emotionally ready. I think about all the pain my exMM put me through... And why did I allow it? It still hurts beyond... The wounds are very deep. He has given me enough baggage for a life time. Yes, I allowed it.. But why did I? So perhaps my thread is a little all over the place... But maybe others can read it, think about it, and put their personal thoughts on it... I just questioned why I let myself go through so much...
califnan Posted June 10, 2010 Posted June 10, 2010 I think your MM is definitely more inconsistant than the norm .. Nevertheless Everything he did, Everything he has put you through - is from his own selfishness.. How does one explain that. And coming out of this, being only 21 - you're doing pretty good ... ((((happyface))))..
Author alg24 Posted June 10, 2010 Author Posted June 10, 2010 Agreed (regarding my MM was not the norm in many ways) but after reading many threads its clear the pain and agony many OW/OM are battling... And it makes me think... With my exMM I really thought with my heart and did not use my head... But when I did not sleep well or at all, when I did not eat, and I cried and cried until I could not see... I question why. Because he was not loosing sleep, he was not crying...
califnan Posted June 10, 2010 Posted June 10, 2010 We don't know why these interruptions happen in our lives - excepting to teach us .. I know MM's are Users - But one thing's for sure, it is a good thing you haven't married him - and you have escaped to the other side..
Author alg24 Posted June 10, 2010 Author Posted June 10, 2010 Very true! I am very thankful for that =) Thanks for your input.
marilyn80 Posted June 10, 2010 Posted June 10, 2010 I'm not one to give advice right now, but what caught my attention is that you are only 21. You have so much life in front of you. I think back to when I was 21. I wouldn't not want to go back there and I've lived and learned a lot since then. I goofed up recently but to start fresh at 21 is a blessing... believe me. I know it still hurts, but at least you learned young. Hang in there. I have experience with a crazy/inconsistant MM. You (we) are much better off without the drama.
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