Wife and facebook

[ADF]

Like always ADF calls the husband "insecure, jealous and your need help".

 

ADF do you ever get tired of trying to cover for wives when they do bad things? If they cheat its the H's fault, if they hang out with their bf's its ok but its still the H's fault, if they get their period its the H's fault

 

 

You should take your own advice and get some help. There has to be a reason why you feel the need to stick up for selfish and bad behavior. Its probably some sort of self reflection.

 

 

 

OP, your wife being cool with ex bf's is not ok. They are ex's and not friends. ADF you get that? They are not friends they are former lovers

 

Your claim that I always "cover for wives" is false. If you read through my posts, you'll see I can be pretty hard on women, too. And I would certainly support this man if he had some specific evidence that his wife was fooling around.

 

But he doesn't.

 

I'm sorry, but I don't think men--or women, for that matter--have a right to dictate who their SOs may or may not associate with. That's ridiculous.

 

If you feel so inadequate as a man that you don't think you can hold on to a woman if she stays friends with some of her exes, that is your problem.

[lkjh]

Your claim that I always "cover for wives" is false. If you read through my posts, you'll see I can be pretty hard on women, too. And I would certainly support this man if he had some specific evidence that his wife was fooling around.

 

But he doesn't.

 

I'm sorry, but I don't think men--or women, for that matter--have a right to dictate who their SOs may or may not associate with. That's ridiculous.

 

If you feel so inadequate as a man that you don't think you can hold on to a woman if she stays friends with some of her exes, that is your problem.

 

You always try to claim the man is just insecure when in reality it has nothing to do with that. It has to do with intelligence. If you are foolish enough to believe that its ok for your spouse to stay friends with their ex's, people they use to have sex with, people that one point they wanted to spend the rest of their lives with, people they use to be emotionally connected to, then you deserve that outcome

 

 

Have you not read the stories(countless one) where the married persons hooks up with their ex's because their SO was ok with them being "friends"? It happens all the time.

 

Getting rid of ex's is common sense, you don't intentionally put yourself in a position that jeopardizes your marriage.

 

Would you cut your hand and swim with sharks?

[lkjh]

I guess, diff pple have diff moral standards, and diff expectations and boundaries in a marriage

 

For me, no way that my partner is in close contact with exes. And all those talk about privacy, the rights to do her own secret stuff, rights to flirt etc...are all bull**** to me. Just cake-eating behaviour. Fuc* off and dun get married.

 

 

 

This is as true as it gets, too bad our society is moving away from this train of thought. No wonder 50% of marriages end in divorce

[ADF]

Have you not read the stories(countless one) where the married persons hooks up with their ex's because their SO was ok with them being "friends"? It happens all the time.

 

It does happen, no doubt. But if a person is inclined to cheat, whether it be with an ex-BF or anyone else, they're going cheat. Period. End of story. There is nothing their SO can do about it.

 

Your position seems to be that if man keeps his wife under strict enough surveillance, if he carefully restricts her contacts with other people, he can prevent her from cheating on him. I disagree. First of all, I wouldn't want to have that kind of relationship with my wife. But I also think someone really determined to cheat cannot be stopped from doing it. Not unless you shackle them to a radiator in the bedroom or something.

 

Either you trust someone, or you don't. And you can never completely protect yourself from betrayal. Hey, I've been through it. It is painful, but it is something almost everyone will experience if they live long enough.

[rdmcnutt]

Actually about six months ago she had what both she and I agree was an inappropriate meeting with this guy involving splitting a bottle of wine in a very romantic setting, but she told me about it later. I don't think this is my fault, but what ADF says about a spouse that's going to cheat is going to cheat, resonates with me. I am going to do my best to trust her to do the right thing by me. If I get hurt I get hurt, but I am not going to snoop further. Leap of faith I guess.

[LittleTiger]

The key issue here is your wife's attitude! Forget the snooping around and talk to her. If she gets cagey or secretive she's hiding something. If you're not open and honest with one another there's a problem in your marriage.

 

Marriage is about give and take and compromise. If you have asked her to give up contacting her exes and she refuses, it's not because she's selfish, it's because she has a different belief system. She believes it's ok, you believe it's not. Neither of you are right or wrong. It's just something fairly serious that you need to talk about.

 

In my opinion exes are exes for a reason. The intimate relationship didn't work out. That doesn't mean you can't be friends. Most 'finished' relationships don't get re-ignited, most people don't go back to exes. That's just my opinion. I'm sure some people will disagree.

 

My partner and I have complete trust in one another. We both have facebook accounts but rarely use them. We can access each other's emails or facebook whenever we want to, but there's no need. There's nothing to hide. I am text/email friendly with one or two of my exes, including my stbxh. My partner doesn't feel threatened because he is secure in our relationship and I usually share my day with him, which incudes conversations with my friends, exes or otherwise.

 

I think if you sense there's problem here, then there probably is and you really need to talk to your wife before it drives a wedge between you.

Edited June 18, 2010 by LittleTiger

[Krytie TV]

I'm sorry, but unless you have some specific reason to think your wife is behaving inappropriately with any of these men, you really don't have much basis to condemn her.

 

Yeeeaah... I have to call bullsh*t on this statement. I know what mature relationships are and this guy has more than enough reason to think she is behaving inappropriately. I can't even begin to presume what she has done with this facebook guy, but it's definitely something she's not proud of and feels the need to hide. What more would you need?

[ADF]

Yeeeaah... I have to call bullsh*t on this statement. I know what mature relationships are and this guy has more than enough reason to think she is behaving inappropriately. I can't even begin to presume what she has done with this facebook guy, but it's definitely something she's not proud of and feels the need to hide. What more would you need?

 

If he has concrete reasons to believe she is acting inappropriately, that's different. My responses were to his original post, which said nothing about that.

 

In any case, once trust in a relationship has deteriorated to the point where people are snooping and spying on each other, the relationship is dead. And I will stick to my earlier point: if your SO is determined to cheat, he oir she will find a way. All the snooping and spying and surveillance in the world can't stop them.

[Corporate]

Actually about six months ago she had what both she and I agree was an inappropriate meeting with this guy involving splitting a bottle of wine in a very romantic setting, but she told me about it later. I don't think this is my fault, but what ADF says about a spouse that's going to cheat is going to cheat, resonates with me. I am going to do my best to trust her to do the right thing by me. If I get hurt I get hurt, but I am not going to snoop further. Leap of faith I guess.

 

Spouses with reasons to be suspicious and with that kind of thinking are the ones who got STDs and HIV.

[whichwayisup]

If he has concrete reasons to believe she is acting inappropriately, that's different. My responses were to his original post, which said nothing about that.

 

Read the rest of the thread.

 

She had text messages from the ex on her cell phone. He saw it but didn't read it. Then he found out later that the texts were deleted.

 

There's enough there to wonder and his gut is telling him something feels off. He needs to listen to his gut.

 

To keep intouch continually with x's on facebook and through texts daily is crazy! Something is wrong here.

[XNemesisX]

Actually about six months ago she had what both she and I agree was an inappropriate meeting with this guy involving splitting a bottle of wine in a very romantic setting, but she told me about it later. I don't think this is my fault, but what ADF says about a spouse that's going to cheat is going to cheat, resonates with me. I am going to do my best to trust her to do the right thing by me. If I get hurt I get hurt, but I am not going to snoop further. Leap of faith I guess.

 

Wow. I'm starting to think that your picture should be next to the word DOORMAT in the dictionary. That is just not smart at all unless you like to live in an illusion and don't want to accept reality.

 

If it were me, I would do what someone else said earlier with the keylogger. I would get into the fb account and delete the exs MYSELF. Then she will think the exs deleted HER. OR I would not only delete them but also block them so that it will look to both parties as one or the other deactivated the account. There is no way I would put up with this and you are not being very smart at all. You are just asking for it. I bet the exs love what a doormat you're being...you make it too easy.

 

The fact that she got a text from one of them then DELETED IT is more than enough cause for suspicion. How can you stand not knowing? I always want to know the truth, not pretend things are as I want them to be. That is ludicrous.

 

Another option you have is to add YOUR exes on fb and chat them up. I bet that would burn her up...and probably help her to empathize with how it feels when it goes the other way around. Just saying...

[AVR1962]

Having an ex on FB is not an issue as long as it is nothing more than the hellos and catch-me-up stuff. Texting, talking on the phone is a whole different number. I am friends with some of my old boyfriends and I even had an old friends (not boyfriend) tell me after 30+ years that he thought I was the prettiest girl in school which I thought was flattering but that's as far as those things go for me and I think that's the way it should be. Anything else is tredding in dangerous waters.

[SpanksTheMonkey]

Actually about six months ago she had what both she and I agree was an inappropriate meeting with this guy involving splitting a bottle of wine in a very romantic setting, but she told me about it later. I don't think this is my fault, but what ADF says about a spouse that's going to cheat is going to cheat, resonates with me. I am going to do my best to trust her to do the right thing by me. If I get hurt I get hurt, but I am not going to snoop further. Leap of faith I guess.

 

Honestly op do you really enjoy pain? you must to have this attitude after she did that! Do you think you deserve to be degraded and disrespected like this? The women went out on a date with this guy and this is how you respond?

 

I worry for you and I truly don't mean any disrespect here when I say you need to get some counseling for yourself 1st and then for your marriage. This is not having a leap of faith.

 

This is allowing ones self to be used as a doormat for a selfish self centered women she knows your going to allow it so shes going to do it! And I fear far worse today a romantic date tomorrow well you know.

 

This is now over the line and is no longer a matter of suspicion op shes shown you her cards openly its not going to make things better for you to turn a blind eye and stick your head in the sand he will not just go away if you do.

 

If nothing else I believe she may be having a emotional affair please listen and take this in and think about it also do you guys have any kids?

[lkjh]

OP you are bsing yourself. That crap about spouses who are going to cheat will do it is nothing but BS

 

if you live a lifestyle that puts your marriage at risk you are going to get burned. Im not saying that people who do right by their SO never cheat but keeping in contact with an ex is dangerous

 

 

Use common sense, if something doesn't sit right with you dont ignore it

[lkjh]

People have control of their own actions, never believe any of that crap about letting your SO do whatever they want because if its meant to be it will happen. Life is not a fairytale and our actions have consequences

[White Dove]

My ex-friend was a cheater. Every time a call/text message came in, she'd delete it right after and mostly only from the OM so that when she went home, her H won't be able to read any messages from OM.

[Windsurf66]

If he has concrete reasons to believe she is acting inappropriately, that's different. My responses were to his original post, which said nothing about that.

 

In any case, once trust in a relationship has deteriorated to the point where people are snooping and spying on each other, the relationship is dead. And I will stick to my earlier point: if your SO is determined to cheat, he oir she will find a way. All the snooping and spying and surveillance in the world can't stop them.

 

Yup, if the cheater wants to cheat, nothing will stop and spying will only make the cheater more careful. But snooping is still necessary. Why?

 

So that the OP can cut his losses early, get protected financially and physically (from STDs), divorce the whore early and get on with life with a more sincere person who can love him. And not forgetting, with the evidence, expose the affair to the whole world to warn other men

[luvstarved]

I wholeheartedly agree with the keylogger idea. If nothing else, it will give peace of mind and if some time period goes by with nothing suspicious, you can always remove it and feel a little sheepish...but with peace of mind!

 

I agree with LB who said that some exes can be perfectly harmless while others can still have smolder potential. The difficulty is, which are which? I know what is in my heart and mind about my exes but I don't know what is truly in my Hs heart and mind about his.

 

I see red flags all over this situation. A bottle of wine, FB, texting...there is enough there to want to know the truth. People can say all day that they should "trust" but trust is not only earned, it has to be sincere or it does not count. You can say "I have decided to trust" but you really don't "decide" - you do or you don't and if it is not sincere the doubts will remain.

 

Spying on someone who is actively betraying you really isn't such a grave sin if you ask me. And if they aren't and you are spying "needlessly"...well in my mind I would feel better all around to have the doubt removed one way or the other. The doubt is there right now. I would personally rather have someone check me out and feel good about me than "decide" to trust me and be plagued with doubts.

 

A keylogger will tell whether the trust is deserved. The truth shall set you free.

[Binster]

Your obviousley unhappy about this, and your probaley not much fun at home with this hanging over you. I would just check the phone and get a kelogger. O.K you may feel a bit bad about it but if your wrong make a big fuss over her and spoil her. And if it's bad news at least you know.

[Dexter Morgan]

It drives me crazy that my wife is "friends" on facebook with ex boyfriends that she has been intimate and been in love with. I've tried to get past it but its driving me crazy. I am not friends with any of my exes because I think its poison to a marriage. I don't suspect an affair or anything, but I hate that she maintains contact with this group of 4 or 5 different guys. Need advice.....

 

X's are X's for a reason.

 

Why don't you just say to her, "oh thats nice, being FB friends with guys you f####d" and see what she says.

 

You need to let her know that you are NOT ok with this and see what her reaction is.

 

If I were married again, my M and wife are more important than being friends with X's(which I wouldn't be).

And if I gave a crap about my wife, I'd delete them as friends because I wouldn't expect her to be ok with me being friends with women I have slept with.

 

Your wife is disrespecting you.

[Dexter Morgan]

I totally DO NOT agree with this..if you trust your husband and wife why go that route. It's ridiculous!

 

If you don't trust then you have a big problem...go to Marriage Couseling or talk it out.

 

doesn't seem you have trust issues yet..

 

I agree. Its an intrusion........UNTIL one spouse turns out to have cheated. Then all bets are off.

[Dexter Morgan]

Uhhhgggg!!!! I picked up her cell phone today today to bring it to her. She had left the phone in the bedroom and was getting in her car to leave without it so I grabbed it to run it to her. On the display was a message that she had a text from one of the exes. Actually the one that I'm the least happy about her being facebook friends with. I didn't read the text, as much as I wanted to. Now I think maybe I should?

 

Ok, texting exes....totally unacceptable.

 

You need to sit her down and let her know its not acceptable. If she gets all pissy about it, then my gut says she is either cheating or is keeping her options open in case the perfect opportunity presents itself later.

[Dexter Morgan]

If you feel so inadequate as a man that you don't think you can hold on to a woman if she stays friends with some of her exes, that is your problem.

 

well what do you think a person's reasons are for staying in contact and texting people they f####d?