rdmcnutt Posted June 10, 2010 Posted June 10, 2010 It drives me crazy that my wife is "friends" on facebook with ex boyfriends that she has been intimate and been in love with. I've tried to get past it but its driving me crazy. I am not friends with any of my exes because I think its poison to a marriage. I don't suspect an affair or anything, but I hate that she maintains contact with this group of 4 or 5 different guys. Need advice.....
califnan Posted June 10, 2010 Posted June 10, 2010 If I were to remarry, I would feel frustrated as well if my husband did this - as I believe in a closed marriage .. From reading up on it, it seems that it is alright if a married man or woman Briefly verbally catch up from time to time - but not on a daily basis.. Husband and wife should be each other's only confidant - companion.. The bottom line, if you are uncomforable with it - she should respect your wishes, and discontinue Facebook or internet attachment with them..
Author rdmcnutt Posted June 10, 2010 Author Posted June 10, 2010 No I don't have access to any of that stuff. Nor does she with mine. I never thought it was necessary.
LucreziaBorgia Posted June 10, 2010 Posted June 10, 2010 Hard to say. I have some ex's on FB that I genuinely like to keep up with - see pics of their kids, talk about my own kid, etc. Then again, I have a FB friend who found his high school GF on FB, dumped his wife and now posts pics of himself, his high school GF and their new baby daughter. Being friends with ex's on FB isn't necessarily a bad thing. It all depends on the person and their motivations. Some ex's are smoldering embers, others are cold deadwood. Case by case basis, is how I see it. If your W hides her interactions or acts suspicious then yes - I can see that as a cause for concern, but if she is like me and doesn't mind even if you were to log in to the account, then there is probably no room for worry. Here's a hint - smoldering embers flirt, cold deadwood does not. I would no more flirt with an ex than I would flirt with my own family members. It is just wrong.
Author rdmcnutt Posted June 10, 2010 Author Posted June 10, 2010 I don't know if they flirt or not. She never posts anything to anybody in her public window. All her interactions with everyone are in private messages, whether its exes or not. I guess I have no reason to think they flirt, but I dont' know.
bittersweet memories Posted June 10, 2010 Posted June 10, 2010 (edited) Let her know how you feel. If she ignores or doesn't care enough about you feelings and continue to be friends with these exes, you should really think why you married someone with such different views of what marriages is than yourself. By the way, spouses should have complete access to each other's email, facebook account, phone, etc. Do you have access to all her accounts? . I totally DO NOT agree with this..if you trust your husband and wife why go that route. It's ridiculous! If you don't trust then you have a big problem...go to Marriage Couseling or talk it out. doesn't seem you have trust issues yet.. Edited June 10, 2010 by bittersweet memories
lkjh Posted June 11, 2010 Posted June 11, 2010 Yeah, like I care about what you think. You're not nearly as educated as I am. I agree with you, people are too stupid. We buy into the be trusting and everything will work out an then we wonder why 50% of marriages end in divorce
Mimolicious Posted June 11, 2010 Posted June 11, 2010 I agree with Lucrezia. Unless she gives you a reason to suspect that she is keeping inappropriate communication with her XBFs, then it shouldn't make you feel bad about it. Then again, only you know how you feel. If it really bothers you this much, you should def approach her. See what her take is and how is she willing to make it better. If she doesn’t… RED FLAG! FB and all these social sites are the root of all evil in today's world. It can be a blessing and yet such a curse to reconnect with people nowadays. [FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3] [/sIZE][/FONT]
Mimolicious Posted June 11, 2010 Posted June 11, 2010 Yeah, like I care about what you think. You're not nearly as educated as I am. WTF does that have to do with this subject? Was this comment really necessary? To be married to someone doesn't mean you OWN them. If this is the case, then why stay married to someone that has to validate how trustworthy they are by providing access to their personal things? Disloyal people are not exactly those who hide it all...
Author rdmcnutt Posted June 17, 2010 Author Posted June 17, 2010 Uhhhgggg!!!! I picked up her cell phone today today to bring it to her. She had left the phone in the bedroom and was getting in her car to leave without it so I grabbed it to run it to her. On the display was a message that she had a text from one of the exes. Actually the one that I'm the least happy about her being facebook friends with. I didn't read the text, as much as I wanted to. Now I think maybe I should?
Corporate Posted June 17, 2010 Posted June 17, 2010 Uhhhgggg!!!! I picked up her cell phone today today to bring it to her. She had left the phone in the bedroom and was getting in her car to leave without it so I grabbed it to run it to her. On the display was a message that she had a text from one of the exes. Actually the one that I'm the least happy about her being facebook friends with. I didn't read the text, as much as I wanted to. Now I think maybe I should? Wow, how can you NOT read the text? I think she is cheating or on the verge of cheating. You need to snoop. Why is she even calling or texting him? Are you serious???????
whichwayisup Posted June 17, 2010 Posted June 17, 2010 Uhhhgggg!!!! I picked up her cell phone today today to bring it to her. She had left the phone in the bedroom and was getting in her car to leave without it so I grabbed it to run it to her. On the display was a message that she had a text from one of the exes. Actually the one that I'm the least happy about her being facebook friends with. I didn't read the text, as much as I wanted to. Now I think maybe I should? It's one thing to say hello once in a while on fb, but that is crossing the line. Why on earth is she texting with an ex? You have every right to be pissed off and concerned. Next time, read the text message.
Fight4Me Posted June 17, 2010 Posted June 17, 2010 Check the cell phone records and make note of number of texts and/or lengths of calls from a repeated number. You'll have your answer without having to read the texts themselves.
Author rdmcnutt Posted June 17, 2010 Author Posted June 17, 2010 Unfortunately I don't have access to the cell phone records. They're all online and I don't have the password. The account is in her name too. I don't know at this point if she has been texting him or not. As far as I know the only text that exists is the one that he sent her. I hate to go snooping in her cell phone and read it because if I find something what do I do with it? Tell her I was snooping in your phone and found out you're texting your ex? Don't want to be that guy, but then again I don't want to be the guy who gets cheated on or lied to either.
Corporate Posted June 17, 2010 Posted June 17, 2010 Unfortunately I don't have access to the cell phone records. They're all online and I don't have the password. The account is in her name too. I don't know at this point if she has been texting him or not. As far as I know the only text that exists is the one that he sent her. I hate to go snooping in her cell phone and read it because if I find something what do I do with it? Tell her I was snooping in your phone and found out you're texting your ex? Don't want to be that guy, but then again I don't want to be the guy who gets cheated on or lied to either. You have the following choices: 1) Guy number, who snoop and found out about reality; 2) Who got cheated on, got an STD, and got dumped; 3) Divorce now.
sugarbritches Posted June 17, 2010 Posted June 17, 2010 It drives me crazy that my wife is "friends" on facebook with ex boyfriends that she has been intimate and been in love with. I've tried to get past it but its driving me crazy. I am not friends with any of my exes because I think its poison to a marriage. I don't suspect an affair or anything, but I hate that she maintains contact with this group of 4 or 5 different guys. Need advice..... You have a right to look at the phone records, that isn't snooping. Tell her that you do not like her being friends with her ex's. She should respect that and delete them as friends, if she doesn't then you have a problem.
Mme. Chaucer Posted June 17, 2010 Posted June 17, 2010 My space and privacy is very important to me, as my boyfriend's is to him. If he wanted to look at all my emails, phone records, etc. I simply would not view him as an appropriate partner for me. Insecure and controlling men are so unattractive. That being said, he could look at all my stuff if he wanted to; it's not password protected or anything. I have nothing to hide; nor does he. Maybe it's different because we are quite geriatric, but I view people who were important in my life in the past to be of interest to me now and always, unless they are really toxic. I care and like to keep up with their lives. FB is great for this. We can see what one another are up to without getting all personal with emails or phone chat. I feel the same about my boyfriend's ex wife. Heck, they spent most of their lives together and raised 3 kids. They are not BFF by any means, but I think it's highly appropriate that her well being is of interest to him. Fortunately, I trust his boundaries and he does mine. We do not behave in ways that are threatening or disrespectful to our relationship. We don't flirt or divulge personal info about our relationship to exes. Etc.
Author rdmcnutt Posted June 18, 2010 Author Posted June 18, 2010 Well I couldn't resist. I came home today and looked in her phone. Whatever it is it was deleted. Nothing there now at all. Still I don't think she's cheating on me. Am I that big a moron?
Windsurf66 Posted June 18, 2010 Posted June 18, 2010 Well I couldn't resist. I came home today and looked in her phone. Whatever it is it was deleted. Nothing there now at all. Still I don't think she's cheating on me. Am I that big a moron? Hi, I had a ex who deletes her messages conscientiously as well when she was texting other guys if it looks too clean, and you have a gut feel, then listen and trust your instincts. As for facebook, it facilitates cheating and from what I have read in LS, many people had used facebook for their communication platform in their cheating. It also allows people to retrieve and reconnect with their exes. So i think its a bad idea if she is using it to reconnect and remain in close contact with her exes. Even if she is not cheating now, she is playing with fire, and your marriage might burn down any time. You will also live in fear and paranoid as long as she remains in close contact with her exes. Put your foot down, man up, and set boundaries with her. If she is adamant about it, it simply means that your marriage is less important to her and predicts a lot what would happen to your marriage in the future.
Corporate Posted June 18, 2010 Posted June 18, 2010 Well I couldn't resist. I came home today and looked in her phone. Whatever it is it was deleted. Nothing there now at all. Still I don't think she's cheating on me. Am I that big a moron? You know it's fishy. Time to snoop and get a keylogger to find out what she does on facebook. You might also want to place a voice activated recorder in her car or any place where she might call these men. You need to protect yourself and know what your wife is up to. People who turned a blind eye are the ones who get STDs and HIV.
whichwayisup Posted June 18, 2010 Posted June 18, 2010 Well I couldn't resist. I came home today and looked in her phone. Whatever it is it was deleted. Nothing there now at all. Still I don't think she's cheating on me. Am I that big a moron? Were all text message deleted or just the ones from him? Maybe she isn't physically cheating on you, but she IS having some kind of inappropriate talks/flirting/friendship going on with this ex. Have you met this guy? Call her bluff.. Tell her, Hey Honey, the other day I noticed you had text from blahblah (insert name) why not invite him and his wife for dinner? I'd love to meet him. See how she reacts..
ADF Posted June 18, 2010 Posted June 18, 2010 I'm sorry, but unless you have some specific reason to think your wife is behaving inappropriately with any of these men, you really don't have much basis to condemn her. She has a right to her past. She has a right to choose her own friends. She shouldn't have to give up friendships just to appease your insecurity. You need some help. When you stoop to snooping and spying on someone, your relationship is basically over. Get some counseling before you destroy your marriage.
lkjh Posted June 18, 2010 Posted June 18, 2010 I'm sorry, but unless you have some specific reason to think your wife is behaving inappropriately with any of these men, you really don't have much basis to condemn her. She has a right to her past. She has a right to choose her own friends. She shouldn't have to give up friendships just to appease your insecurity. You need some help. When you stoop to snooping and spying on someone, your relationship is basically over. Get some counseling before you destroy your marriage. Like always ADF calls the husband "insecure, jealous and your need help". ADF do you ever get tired of trying to cover for wives when they do bad things? If they cheat its the H's fault, if they hang out with their bf's its ok but its still the H's fault, if they get their period its the H's fault You should take your own advice and get some help. There has to be a reason why you feel the need to stick up for selfish and bad behavior. Its probably some sort of self reflection. OP, your wife being cool with ex bf's is not ok. They are ex's and not friends. ADF you get that? They are not friends they are former lovers
Windsurf66 Posted June 18, 2010 Posted June 18, 2010 Like always ADF calls the husband "insecure, jealous and your need help". ADF do you ever get tired of trying to cover for wives when they do bad things? If they cheat its the H's fault, if they hang out with their bf's its ok but its still the H's fault, if they get their period its the H's fault You should take your own advice and get some help. There has to be a reason why you feel the need to stick up for selfish and bad behavior. Its probably some sort of self reflection. OP, your wife being cool with ex bf's is not ok. They are ex's and not friends. ADF you get that? They are not friends they are former lovers I guess, diff pple have diff moral standards, and diff expectations and boundaries in a marriage For me, no way that my partner is in close contact with exes. And all those talk about privacy, the rights to do her own secret stuff, rights to flirt etc...are all bull**** to me. Just cake-eating behaviour. Fuc* off and dun get married.
SpanksTheMonkey Posted June 18, 2010 Posted June 18, 2010 To me if you have nothing to hide then why hide stuff? me and my current partner have this issue from time to time. He takes the people should be allowed their space/privacy stance. I say if you want to be in a relationship with me then we both have to lay all our cards out there on the table and not hide things. He can look thu my phone/internet records 24/7 non stop and find nothing cause I got nothing to hide. Op your wife is if nothing else being very disrespectful of your feelings! And the texting and even worse the DELETING his messages is just to much if that was me Ide hit the roof. And be offering her a shiny new ultimatum me or these exes simple as that! I agree an ex is just that an ex not a buddy once you have crossed that line its a done deal move on theres a zillion other people in this world who havent been in her pants before for her to buddy up to so IMO there is just no need for it.
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