I'm so ...

[stoploss11]

I am confused by women in general, lol. its not funny.

 

I could write an epic to describe it all, but don't want you all to go mental. Please help though. This women is amazing....but.

 

We started off talking at work. We both had no intentions of something being there. I had seen her 3-4 times at work and one day we caught eyes, i never had a momentary blur from a look before. The next day I saw her and we officially met she came in to work with her 6 months old daughter. We talked. and for weeks talked. There was something dynamic, she's wicked smart and beautiful to boot.

 

Over the course of those few weeks she let me into her life, she lives with the baby's father, he tried to get her to have an abortion for 4 months. But has been a stand up guy since she was born. Her and her friends at work tell me there is nothing there and hasn't been in 15 months.

 

Another month passes and we get close, 2 months pass and we are perfectly matched. So it seems. We never slept together because i tried my best not to. We've been getting open about having sex and about her having the guy leave but is terrified to be alone with the baby.

 

Things built up, i never pressured her to have him leave but now we're at 4 plus months and she has let me into her whole life and her daughters too. A week ago she was sending me pics and calling me and texting me some pretty amazing things. Then the next day her baby needs to go to the ER, she calls me during and after for advice, the next day her "guy" has emergency surgery again she called me for advice (i have a medical degree), the next day she passes out and goes to the ER. Texts me the night after she comes home. She had a anxiety attack and hadn't eaten.

 

The next day i didn't hear from her until before bed. Then barely any text or call for a day and a half. Then she calls me from the store and we talked very casually for an hour. Then the next day and a half I get 3 texts and no calls. The next night after a day of nothing i get a text telling me (several pretty rough things) but basically her mom went nuts and is never coming back.

 

I text her and tried calling to be supportive but hardly any responses for 3-4 days and today I asked her they were ok and if something happened between us. She responded they the baby was Ok and she was as ok as she can be. seems like something new goes wrong everyday and she's just focusing on making sure everything doesn't go crazy.

 

Its been 8 hours since she said that. I've been offering support and have always been there for her. I'm not really selfish but am concerned that she went from all about me and her and the baby to completely shutting me out. I don't wanna pressure her but would like to know what happened, why she stopped leaning on me.

 

Thoughts?

 

She was all giddy at work today and yesterday with someone else ( a guy she use to like 3 yrs ago but told me that never went anywhere) for some random reason. Why can she talk to anyone but me? Why not tell me what's happening, is she trying to make it work with her ex, I doubt it she had such a distaste for him since the abortion fiasco, but then again she is financially dependent on him.

 

She s pretty awesome, but I'm thinking too much. please help......

[jthorne]

Uh, yeah. You're thinking too much. Some people can't be tied to their phones 24/7 to answer texts. She does have a life outside her relationship with you.

And I guess I don't need to tell you that you shouldn't be messing around with the baby mama while she still lives with baby daddy.

[naturegirl]

It sounds like a lot of stuff going on in her life right now and maybe she needs some freedom not to meet your needs at the moment. Sometimes when life is really hectic and we are being pulled in 80 different directions, we deal with the stress by withdrawing from those closest to us.

 

You have kindly offered your support to her. Just lay low and wait for her to come around. It's okay to check in with her and try and keep things normal at work and make it okay for her to just deal with her stuff.

 

She'll appreciate the fact that you are not putting pressure on her at the moment while she deals with things. She'll come back around. Just keep the lines of communication open, but light.

 

hope that helps.....

[fooled once]

I am confused by women in general, lol. its not funny.

 

I could write an epic to describe it all, but don't want you all to go mental. Please help though. This women is amazing....but.

 

We started off talking at work. We both had no intentions of something being there. I had seen her 3-4 times at work and one day we caught eyes, i never had a momentary blur from a look before. The next day I saw her and we officially met she came in to work with her 6 months old daughter. We talked. and for weeks talked. There was something dynamic, she's wicked smart and beautiful to boot.

 

Over the course of those few weeks she let me into her life, she lives with the baby's father, he tried to get her to have an abortion for 4 months. But has been a stand up guy since she was born. Her and her friends at work tell me there is nothing there and hasn't been in 15 months.

 

Another month passes and we get close, 2 months pass and we are perfectly matched. So it seems. We never slept together because i tried my best not to. We've been getting open about having sex and about her having the guy leave but is terrified to be alone with the baby.

 

Things built up, i never pressured her to have him leave but now we're at 4 plus months and she has let me into her whole life and her daughters too. A week ago she was sending me pics and calling me and texting me some pretty amazing things. Then the next day her baby needs to go to the ER, she calls me during and after for advice, the next day her "guy" has emergency surgery again she called me for advice (i have a medical degree), the next day she passes out and goes to the ER. Texts me the night after she comes home. She had a anxiety attack and hadn't eaten.

 

The next day i didn't hear from her until before bed. Then barely any text or call for a day and a half. Then she calls me from the store and we talked very casually for an hour. Then the next day and a half I get 3 texts and no calls. The next night after a day of nothing i get a text telling me (several pretty rough things) but basically her mom went nuts and is never coming back.

 

I text her and tried calling to be supportive but hardly any responses for 3-4 days and today I asked her they were ok and if something happened between us. She responded they the baby was Ok and she was as ok as she can be. seems like something new goes wrong everyday and she's just focusing on making sure everything doesn't go crazy.

 

Its been 8 hours since she said that. I've been offering support and have always been there for her. I'm not really selfish but am concerned that she went from all about me and her and the baby to completely shutting me out. I don't wanna pressure her but would like to know what happened, why she stopped leaning on me.

 

Thoughts?

 

She was all giddy at work today and yesterday with someone else ( a guy she use to like 3 yrs ago but told me that never went anywhere) for some random reason. Why can she talk to anyone but me? Why not tell me what's happening, is she trying to make it work with her ex, I doubt it she had such a distaste for him since the abortion fiasco, but then again she is financially dependent on him.

 

She s pretty awesome, but I'm thinking too much. please help......

 

Ditto jthorne. She has a baby. She should be focused on her child, not texting or calling someone she isn't in a relationship with. She lives with the baby's father - BY CHOICE. Be a friend because that is all she can give you. Stop pressing for time with her, to talk to her, to text with her. She has a life to lead, as you do. I really think you need to focus on having a platonic relationship with her. She has enough going on that she doesn't need to be involved in an affair.

 

You do not live with her so you don't know about her relationship and all the people you talk to her about and her boyfriend also don't live with them.

 

You need to find someone else, because right now, she isn't available to you.

[stoploss11]

Thank you all. I'm not certain about anything really, but what I feel. And we started off platonic, sometimes you can't help who u trip in love with. Its been 4 plus months and I respected her situation enough not to sleep with her.

 

Her mom bailing on her i think also left her freaked out to leave. She has no one else near to help. I'm not making excuses or think its right what we are doing. But I do think it was real. Wouldn't she tell me if she wanted me gone if she were working it out with the father?

[jthorne]

Hello?!?! It's only been 8 HOURS!!!!!

[whichwayisup]

Back off and let her breathe. Her baby was in the hospital, her mom had a nervous breakdown and she's been having anxiety and alot of stress. This isn't about you, so don't freak out that it's been 8 hours since the last time you've heard from her.

 

Wouldn't she tell me if she wanted me gone if she were working it out with the father?

 

Why would she? Right now, she has a father to her child, at home, whom she lives with, shares a bed with, share a life with. Like it or not, that is the situation. Maybe she loves him, maybe she doesn't, either way, her actions have shown you that she isn't moving out, isn't ending the relationship. She likes you, likes having you in her life. She's selfish and isn't thinking of the bigger picture here. And, neither are you.

 

This man, the child's father, is NOT going to like the fact that you are around HIS child. Sorry, but it's wrong of her to allow this.

 

The choice is yours. Stick around and get hurt, watch continue to lie/omit truths to you, or be strong, end it and tell her to call you when she's free and single. If you stay, accept that you are the OM, and playing second fiddle.

[stoploss11]

Her mother was to move here and help her take care of things, so she can move on, and on her own. She has no one within 2000 miles. The father didn't want the child and fought with her about it up until birth.

[jthorne]

Baby mama still lives with baby daddy. Until baby daddy is out of the picture, you need to back off.

[fooled once]

But he obviously wants his child now. There are many men who impregnate girlfriends who don't want the child AT FIRST. Heck, my H's first wife had had several abortions prior to her getting pregnant, while dating, my H and she was unsure if she wanted the baby. She only kept the baby because by the time it was all confirmed, she was 13 weeks pregnant, too far along to have an abortion (this was back in the early 80's). She used abortion as birth control. She loves her son today but at the time, she was scared and unsure.

 

So just because someone thinks something at ONE TIME, doesn't mean that is their thought process now -- especially a baby.

 

Slow down, back off. This girl sounds very immature if she needs her mom to be there to help her manage her life. She chose to have this child, time for her to step up and do that - parent her child and manage her life. And because of this, I think you panicking and showing her YOUR insecurities after an 8 hour silence is only going to add to her stress. She isn't accountable to you for her actions. You aren't her boyfriend, you aren't the baby's father. You are a guy in her life. She may have realized she does love the baby's father and she doesn't want to jeopardize her future with him by being in contact with you.

 

I am not saying this to be mean, but you can't wrap your life around this girl. She is in a relationship already. You need to move forward with your life. She can't BE your life. If she wants out of her relationship, SHE needs to take those steps, not have you tell her what to do because if she leaves him because you are pressuring her, she will come to 'hate' you for the stress you are adding.

 

Let it be. Let it play out. Let her contact you. Let her manage her own life. IF you two are meant to be, it will happen. I know you are hurting. But don't make someone a priority when you are only an option for them.

[stoploss11]

Thanks guys. Over the last 9 days since the whole thing started really only the last few has she seemed distant. I sensed it and wanted to give her space, only contacted her no more than twice a day just to let her know i was there for her still.

 

My question is there a way to retain the friendship and let her know I am still there for her in that capacity regardless of why/if she moves on? I really appreciate her on many levels and wouldn't want that gone. I am a very cerebral person and she is one of few people who constantly stimulated me mentally. Which may be why I am such an idiot with my emotions. Or is that squashed normally once the physical is involved?

 

Should I worry about that at another point and deal with this all first? i don't know if i could handle it but i'd like to think i could just as not to lose that friendship.

[fooled once]

Thanks guys. Over the last 9 days since the whole thing started really only the last few has she seemed distant. I sensed it and wanted to give her space, only contacted her no more than twice a day just to let her know i was there for her still.

 

My question is there a way to retain the friendship and let her know I am still there for her in that capacity regardless of why/if she moves on? I really appreciate her on many levels and wouldn't want that gone. I am a very cerebral person and she is one of few people who constantly stimulated me mentally. Which may be why I am such an idiot with my emotions. Or is that squashed normally once the physical is involved?

 

Should I worry about that at another point and deal with this all first? i don't know if i could handle it but i'd like to think i could just as not to lose that friendship.

 

Squashed. You pasted the friendship line and it is very difficult to go back.

 

Please stop texting her. She knows you are there if she needs you. Let her reach out to you. Twice a day -- especially if she is going silent on you -- is really probably annoying her. You have told her you are there - so leave it alone.

 

She will contact you when/if she needs something. Just be prepared for this roller coaster to continue.

[naturegirl]

hey-I know your mind is racing in a million different directions right now, but try to calm your thoughts and be patient. Find some different things to do with yourself to stay busy and get your mind off things.

 

At work, just work at keeping things light and as normal as possible. I feel like you are maybe a few steps ahead of her at this moment. Remember, she has had a great deal going on and any normal person would need some space to sort it all out. She is probably a little scared to make any moves right now with all the sudden change. she could be feeling guilty because the baby's father had surgery and is vulnerable. She is vulnerable right now and with the loss of the help of her mom to help her make a move, she could just need to not make any moves for now.

 

Just be cool and calm and whatever you do...don't give her a reason to be worrying about your needs right now. She should just focus on herself and doing what is right for her and her child. And you need to put your need to be reassured by her on the back burner otherwise you will scare her away simply because at this point in your relationship, she is not required to meet them.

[stoploss11]

Its weird reading through the comments and I agree w 99% of them, i'm like, "yeah, yup, that's right, damn i dont wanna but its best..." then i get done reading and i still hurt and wonder, lol...the brain is weird.

 

Thanks everyone

[skywriter]

stoploss11,

 

From what you've posted. She's probably overwhelmed with all that she's got going on at home with the baby, baby's dad, and her mother.

 

All these are priorities regardless as to how they've gotten to where they are.

 

It could be that she doesn't want to burden you with all of this, particularly if she isn't clear where her relationship with the babies father is heading.

 

Obviously she needs to woman up and express to the father of her child what she's confiding in you. You cannot fix their situation, one way or the other, and the father can't if she isn't communicating.

 

Then there is the part that I think of when I read your words, that you need to protect your feelings to an extent. Not get to invested emotionally in this girl at this point.

 

There need to be some emotional boundaries , even for the one she uses as a confidant. It's apparent that you are already feeling shut out.

[stoploss11]

How did I let myself get into this situation? You used the term confidant, i never felt like it that way. It seemed like she was working towards something and gearing towards something or was that all just to have me close just in case. Was there ever going to be a relationship? She has to be one hell of an actress if not...

 

How long to i give her space for before reaching out again and how can i approach the reach out?

[fooled once]

Let HER reach out. Let HER seek you out if she wants to.

 

If you continue to, you are going to appear clingy, needy and majorly insecure.

 

Like I said, you have told her a dozen times you are "there for her". So let it go and just ease back.

 

Might be time to also focus your attention elsewhere because it truly doesn't seem like she is "that" into you.

[stoploss11]

I need more wisdom, today i am hurting. Trying not to let it be personal, but its hard. So now its been 3 days, since ive heard or saw her at work. She's been there all week our building is huge but she usually had to come into my wing 3-4 times a day and she hasn't come through all week. I can see the coffee bar from my seat and saw her yesterday and today and tried not to look out but when i turned she was going there. I'm trying to keep the space for her, should i never reach out if i dont hear from her?

 

Would she be avoiding me because she is embarrassed or because she has no feelings and knows I still do. What other reasons?

 

Also is it out of line to talk to a mutual friend we have, she has known him for 4 yrs and they are insanely close, i've only known him through her basically for 4 months. He's the one that told me some of the great things and how she told him she's never met anyone like me and she's never been this in love.

 

He's talked to me in the past about things but I don't wanna be out of line by asking anything stupid but think he would know more.

[whichwayisup]

As much as this hurts you, reality is, she's putting herself first. She KNOWS you're hurting but has chosen to stay silent. She isn't making you a priority, so I hope that you stop putting her first and making her a priority.

 

I don't believe she's purposely doing this malciously, but more, selfishly.

 

Focus on you and let her be the one to contact you. Don't talk to the mutual friends either. This guy is HER friend and is loyal to her. Plus, I'm sure he doesn't want to be stuck in the middle of this as it could turn into one big drama..

 

Her life is going on with her partner and child. Unfortunately, you don't get a say in this.. But what you DO get a say in, is how you handle this and choose to accept that she isn't going to leave him for you. You can choose to not be the OM. You can choose to grieve, let yourself go through the motions of it all so you can let go and heal. Question is, do you want to? Or are you hoping she'll contact you again so the A can resume? What are your expectations/hopes? From what you've said so far, it doesn't seem like she is going to start a new life with you.

 

Sorry that some parts of my post might be harsh or may hurt, it isn't my intention. Noone wants to see you have so much hope, then get let down (again).

[stoploss11]

How do I know her life is going on with her partner, they slept apart from what she and the friends told me and what it seemed like when i was over. it was her intention to fully have him out once her mother moved here to help her with the baby. Now the mom isn't coming to help. By choice I never let it get physical awaiting her to be completely free. I am hoping she contacts me, but part of me wants to know the whole story.

[stoploss11]

Why is it always presumed best to let the person go and not contact them instead of reaching out to them and let them know you care? Im just curious to experiences and the human psyche why that works best and also if ever the emotional support and outreach works and why?

 

From what it seems the letting it go works more but why?

 

Also my head tells me its not a game and i dont want to play one.

[skywriter]

Stoploss11,

 

Hope you're feeling better now about your situation.

 

The reason it could be best to let the person go and let them make contact is, because her situation is her life, hers to sort out, all her resposibility. You can't involve yourself in her situation and she could turn on you if you aren't aware of this, you could lose a friendship.

 

It's tricky stuff when people involve you in their situations, even two guys or two girls that are platonic friends. They want someone to confide in, but they just want you as far as they feel they need you then they want you to but out. I've experienced this so often in my life with friends. You have to know how to establish boundaries or you'll get hurt.

 

Let's just say that she comes running to you stoploss and confesses a mutual desire to be more than friends to you tommorow. Tells you the babies father has moved out. what do you think you should do?

[stoploss11]

Not sure what I should do. Find out for sure what is going on in their life together and make sure that it is over and he is out? Ask what her true feelings are and what she wants for her and her baby's future?

[skywriter]

Exactly, make sure that it is over. There's an order to this happening.

 

She, my friend, has gotten a bit off track, and in doing so has carried you, an innocent friend along with her.

 

Nothing wrong with needing someone to talk to, confide in. However, surely she knows that you are emotionally involved now.

 

I don't know, just seems that your feelings are being yanked around here. I, for one, find that cruel. It's like, let me need you, when I need you. Then you just stand by, til I decide I need you again. WTH!?

 

Stoploss, she may be unknowingly do this, but , I hope you'll look out for yourself.