Chica0216 Posted June 10, 2010 Posted June 10, 2010 My boyfriend and I have been dating for almost a year and half. He is a year younger than me and I am getting ready to graduate from college, he is just entering his senior year. Recently I have been really stressed out because the transition from college to the real world is kind of a nerve wrecking thing. I've been taking my stress out on the relationship and on him and as he says, I've become dependent on him. We've been arguing more than usual lately and last weekend we had our worst argument ever. He asked to talk the next day, and we did. It seemed like we smoothed things over. I was afraid the talk was going to be him breaking up with me and just for closure on both of our accounts. But he said I'm his best friend, his confidant and that I'm the one who he trusts the most and he couldn't imagine not having me in his life. He also made it clear that he's basically worried about me since I've been becoming more needy with him and that it seems like my happiness is dependent on him. He recommended that I take some time to really start reconnecting with my old friends, to make an effort to do things that make me happy, and to spend time with my family. I know he's obviously concerned about me because he wouldn't have wanted to meet and have this conversation with me about not breaking up. Then two days after our talk, I asked if we could hang out. He called me back and said he thought we were going to take it easy for a few days, maybe a week. He isn't calling it a break or a break-up, and he doesn't want to date other poeple. He says we just aren't making each other happy right now, so this means we should take some time out to make ourselves happy before we can really start spending a lot of time together again. In retrospect I appreciate what he is doing for me, but I am just nervous about what this means for our relationship. I keep thinking this means a break-up is in site despite him saying he doesn't want to date other people. He says doing this will just make us stronger and better than before. But I'm still freaking out about it.
ADF Posted June 10, 2010 Posted June 10, 2010 Hmmmm. I don't know you or your BF, so I cannot say for sure what is going on here. But there are two things I have found are generally true: 1) There are no "breaks" from relationships. In a relationship, a "break" is just a break up in slow motion. 2) Most of the time, when someone in a relatioship says, "I need space" (or words to that effect), what they really mean is, "I've met someone else." Again, I am not saying this is the case in your situation. It may not be. But since you seem to be inviting opinions, there's mine.
LucreziaBorgia Posted June 10, 2010 Posted June 10, 2010 I appreciate what he is doing for me Oh, make no mistake about it. He isn't doing this for you at all. He is easing you into a breakup, because from what you posted here - you won't be an easy person to break up with. That wasn't meant to be mean, but it looks to me like he sees it easier to back out slowly while you find other support systems. When you are steadier on your feet, he will likely lower the boom. He may be terrified that now that you are graduated, you will start talking about taking the relationship to a level he just doesn't want to take it to. Engagement, marriage, etc. I'm thinking that he wants to spend his last year exploring other options - not just dating, but other options and directions in general. What to do? Right now, the wise thing would be to let him do ALL the contacting, and ALL of the suggestions of 'hanging out' time. Do not question him when he calls, do not ask to spend time with him, do not talk about 'your relationship' - none of that. The person who initiates the 'break' HAS to be the one setting the pace from here on out. They are going to set a pace they are comfortable with, and if you do or say ANYTHING to adjust that pace they will simply continue to back away from you until they are at a pace they are comfortable with again. I'm not suggesting an all out 'no contact' but certainly right now it is absolutely necessary for it to be completely one sided, as to not continue to have him back away from you. You stand a much better chance at keeping this relationship if you simply let him take control of how it goes for a while. Meanwhile, you really do need to form some support systems outside of this regardless of whether you end up together or not.
VertexSquared Posted June 10, 2010 Posted June 10, 2010 Well, to play the Devil's advocate here, I think that if people are too dependent, how else are you to fix it? He suggested space, said he wasn't going to date others, and said he wanted things to be a bit more solid alone before reconnecting. To me, that seems like a reasonable request in the wake of turbulent times -- much better than breaking up immediately *unless* he's being dishonest. The question is whether or not you trust him. Is he being honest? Only you can really assess this. Regardless of the case, the best thing you can do is to hang back. Pursuing things will push him away. The one who initiates space usually has to be the one who is willing to remove said space, and they'll do it when they're ready. I agree though that you should reach out to friends and try to get some stability. This is a good thing even if you're in a relationship.
stace79 Posted June 10, 2010 Posted June 10, 2010 I think that regardless of whether he's "easing you into" a break up or not, what he's suggesting is a good idea. I used to be highly dependent on my bf, too... any bf. That meant that any time we weren't doing well or had a fight, my entire outlook was depressed and negative. You have to learn to have a life outside your R, so that if you do have a fight or something, you're not hopelessly depressed or upset. Also, my current bf said he used to feel a huge amount of pressure because he felt like my entire happiness rested on his shoulders -- if our R wasn't doing well, then my whole world started to fall apart. He said that was too much pressure for anybody to handle. So, basically, if he's going to break up with you, he's going to break up with you. So you should definitely be learning to lean on other people for support and derive happiness from a variety of friends and activities that you enjoy. However, if he's serious about wanting to make your R stronger, then doing the same exact thing can do nothing but help you! It's positive for you either way to take some time and develop your own friendship, take part in more activities or spend more time with family! Try to focus on today only and making yourself happier. It can only help you in the long run.
jb89 Posted June 10, 2010 Posted June 10, 2010 Give him space. No guy who is happy in a relationship wants 'space.' I know it's not what you want to hear, but my last girlfriend told me she 'needed space' and it turned into us breaking up, and her almost immediately starting to date someone she had been talking to toward the end of our relationship. Cut your losses early and prepare for the worst.
jb89 Posted June 10, 2010 Posted June 10, 2010 I think that regardless of whether he's "easing you into" a break up or not, what he's suggesting is a good idea. I used to be highly dependent on my bf, too... any bf. That meant that any time we weren't doing well or had a fight, my entire outlook was depressed and negative. You have to learn to have a life outside your R, so that if you do have a fight or something, you're not hopelessly depressed or upset. Also, my current bf said he used to feel a huge amount of pressure because he felt like my entire happiness rested on his shoulders -- if our R wasn't doing well, then my whole world started to fall apart. He said that was too much pressure for anybody to handle. So, basically, if he's going to break up with you, he's going to break up with you. So you should definitely be learning to lean on other people for support and derive happiness from a variety of friends and activities that you enjoy. However, if he's serious about wanting to make your R stronger, then doing the same exact thing can do nothing but help you! It's positive for you either way to take some time and develop your own friendship, take part in more activities or spend more time with family! Try to focus on today only and making yourself happier. It can only help you in the long run. Also I wish I kept this in mind more often for myself. I have the same problem.
reservoirdog1 Posted June 10, 2010 Posted June 10, 2010 Oh, make no mistake about it. He isn't doing this for you at all. He is easing you into a breakup, because from what you posted here - you won't be an easy person to break up with. That wasn't meant to be mean, but it looks to me like he sees it easier to back out slowly while you find other support systems. When you are steadier on your feet, he will likely lower the boom. He may be terrified that now that you are graduated, you will start talking about taking the relationship to a level he just doesn't want to take it to. Engagement, marriage, etc. I'm thinking that he wants to spend his last year exploring other options - not just dating, but other options and directions in general. What to do? Right now, the wise thing would be to let him do ALL the contacting, and ALL of the suggestions of 'hanging out' time. Do not question him when he calls, do not ask to spend time with him, do not talk about 'your relationship' - none of that. The person who initiates the 'break' HAS to be the one setting the pace from here on out. They are going to set a pace they are comfortable with, and if you do or say ANYTHING to adjust that pace they will simply continue to back away from you until they are at a pace they are comfortable with again. I'm not suggesting an all out 'no contact' but certainly right now it is absolutely necessary for it to be completely one sided, as to not continue to have him back away from you. You stand a much better chance at keeping this relationship if you simply let him take control of how it goes for a while. Meanwhile, you really do need to form some support systems outside of this regardless of whether you end up together or not. This advice is right on. Definitely stop being the one to make contact. It's the best way to determine if he just wants it to be a very brief thing, or the beginning of an actual breakup.
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