My husband had an affair a 6 months ago and I can't get over it

[ST1]

My husband and I made it through a whole year deployment with NO issues. I think I was the only one of his friends who's wives did not screw around on them while they were gone. What happens?? He gets back, we have some readjustment issues, and he had a weekend fling just before Christmas with an old friend, thank goodness she lives in the next state over. He lied and lied about it for a long time until I tricked her into confessing it to me. Mean? Oh well. I had to know. After he knew he was caught he felt so bad you could see it on his face for days. But he should have. Ya we had issues but I certainly did not go and sleep with somone to solve mine so he shouldn't have either. Now he acts like I should be over it, gets really defensive about it, tries to turn it around on me and everything else. I try so hard to not bring it up. But I do not trust him now AT ALL. That isn't my main issue. I could have gotten over that because she was in another state and he is with me all the time or was. Now there is a new female in his unit. She looks very similar to me and in my opinion is better than me. I feel like my husband is going to fall for her, seeing her makes me feel so bad about myself, and I am obsessed with it. I tell myself I probably think about him and her way more than he even thinks about her. I have no clue what to do. She is a HUGE threat to me. A lot of the girls in his military unit are skanky. This girl is not, she is a lot like me. And that should mean that she should respect that he is married. Well most females today and males for that matter don't hold marriage to the standard they used to so I don't trust her at all. I don't think she would make a move on him but I don't doubt for a second that one day down the line he would make a move on her and she wouldn't deny it. They have a lot in common. I feel really threatened. Any time I see texts between them or anything that he is going to eventully fall for this girl and make some lame excuse why we are not working out because as much as I try I am not easy to deal with emotionally especially since the affair. I feel like I am going to lose him no matter what but he doesn't even really do anything to make me think that it's just the idea of him being friendly in any way with ANY female. Any ideas?? I cannot live like this. I don't want to leave him. But I cannot live my life obsessing over if and when he is going to leave me. This seems a lot in my head but what if it's not?? Why am I so insanely jealous when ever hey talk? They had some thing at the range today and she posted a pic of them posing together probably meant nothing they werent like touching but they were close and it made me want to jump off a bridge seeing that. Knowing he goes to work every day and she is there too. I know, he has to go to work. And I know 90% of this is probably in my head. But some of its not. Is he going to leave me?

[Disintegration]

It isn't going to be instant for you to get over his affair. There is no mark, not even after 6 months you can continue to be hurt even for years afterwards. You may not entirely get over it. I think you are insecure because he cheated. It's normal to think or imagine he could do it again. You will never fully trust him again, you'll always wonder and have doubts.

 

Have you tried counseling? I know insurance will cover it. I would suggest giving it a try. He has to understand that he did wrong and he can't expect you to just forget about it. He should be catering to you and your needs. I'm a little confused as to why they text each other. There is no need for that. My husband doesn't text his female coworkers. EVER. If they need to speak about a work related topic they talk for no more than a couple of minutes, not about how their day is going or anything beyond that. Uh uh. That's strictly left at work.

 

As far as a picture goes I can understand a whole group of people together but she and he alone, I don't know that I'd be very comfortable with that either. It may not mean anything just a couple of coworkers taking a picture but still you have been deceived you have every right to wonder.

 

Your husband knows how you are feeling and he should do whatever it takes to make you feel secure again in your marriage. Don't spend a lot of time worrying about his new coworker. It will drive you nuts. Be alert though. You never know. Talk to your husband about how you are feeling and hopefully you can get some reassurance from him and perhaps some much needed counseling to help get through this difficult time.

 

Best of luck to you.

[war of the roses]

I feel for you but you can't control what might happen. Yeah she may look better than you but hey there are alot of women out there that look better than us. SO WHAT! He is your man! You were slick the first time catching it and be aware of everything now. Kick yourself up in gear and start treating him just like when it all began and focus on that instead of dwelling on her or anyone else for that matter. You might be worried about her so much if somethng is happening it might be with someone else and you would not know it cuz your hooked on this woman.

 

Of course the whole broken trust thing doesn't help, cuz everyone will be a suspect. I hear ya, cuz I am in the same boat and it stinks to always have that worry in the back of your head but if you really love him try to focus and not make it worse. Trust me when I start like that I am miserable and I hate myself for it. Him for that matter. I go for a run and listen to encouraging songs on my ipod. When I come back I am beat, feel good about myself and I feel like his loss. So hang in there.

[LoveLace]

He cheated on you, has he ever given you reassurance that he won't do it again? You said he looked like he felt bad, but that's not good enough. He should be working to earn your trust again...but the fact that he's open with a friendship with this woman tells me your trust is not a huge concern of his. I'm sensing he might have felt bad at first, but he's not feeling bad about his hunky-dory relationship with this woman, nor considering how it could be making you feel.

 

I would say look I love you very much, but what are your feelings for this woman? Because I want to build trust for you again but your friendship with this woman is making it difficult. Remind him that being cheated on can be forgiven but not forgotten, I don't care who you are, it takes plenty of time and work for a marriage to heal after that. I have a friend that cheated on her husband 10 years ago; he forgave her but he reminds her to this day it's not forgotten. That pain will always be there to an extent for him and it will be for you, too. Right now it appears your man is choosing to indulge in friendship with this woman, instead of being involved in the healing process, and that is a bad choice...I'm not so sure that he even wants your marriage to heal...he wants you to forget so badly because he wants continue this behavior. And he can easily say they are "just friends" and even act that way when in fact he's very much enjoying the attention and time with her, in a way that is beyond friendly. If they are really just pals, invite her over for a dinner or night out and see how he reacts to that.

 

I would be very p*ssed off personally, and I would certainly not be treating him like a king as someone suggested, your the one who should be getting your butt kissed at this point...sorry, that's my opinion. You said you can't live like this; well if he doesn't make things easier for you to live with you will continue to be miserable. So if he doesn't change this behavior he does not deserve to have you in his life.

[Major]

You know...it's not your job to make you feel secure. It is his. I am sorry. I can only imagine the turmoil you must be going through mentally and emotionally, especially if they are still connected in some way. The phone calls, pictures..etc. Emotional infidelity as well as adultery is very, real. I suggest, as the other blogger, counseling as well. However, you can't be in this alone. He should be with you. As a married woman, who has given her life to someone, you should never be insecure. It won't be easy, however, it's his job to create that security in you since he tore it down. You can't just get over it because he felt bad and apologized. He needs to realize the chemistry of your foundation has changed and it will not be the same. However, something new, can be built. However, the damaging factor has to be eliminated. Not pacified but eliminated. That's his job. I wouldn't say keep bringing it up if he is trying, that can be destructive. However, he is the one that has to make the effort to bring peace and security back to his home where you feel confident in your future with him.

[lola7]

Wow, you guys are a super smart bunch!