littlelisa30 Posted June 9, 2010 Posted June 9, 2010 My husband was acting strangely for a week. Was distant, irritable etc. I kept asking if something was wrong and he always said nothing was wrong. I even asked if he was going to leave me. Nope. Well two days ago he left me. Came home from work and he told me he doesn't want to be married to me anymore. Just like that. It's over. I was in shock and didn't say much. Didn't cry- just acted like I could care less. The way he talked to me was so vicious. It was like he was a complete stranger! We rent a house and he said I can stay till the end of the month and then he will keep the house by himself (I can't afford it alone). He then went to his mother's to stay. I thought he left me for someone else. He has recently been talking to a friend's newly divorced daughter. I didn't know about that until he told me. (rubbed it in my face actually) He said I am too controlling, he can't do anything without me "looking over his shoulder" and that he was talkign to this other woman becasue she left her husband for being too controlling. He discussed our problems with EVERYONE but ME. He told his friends and family and he says they agree he should leave. Honestly, I didn't know I was that bad. I thought we were happy and he'd never expressed feelings of discust or anger like this before toward me. He just seems so PISSED off at me and I have no idea why. I thougth everything was great and now its gone. He is being an ass about everything. He doesn't want to repay me the security deposit that technically came out of MY paycheck because he wants to keep the house and says I will get half of it "in two years or so" when he moves out of the rental house. He started screaming at me that all I do is cry about money (I certainly wasn't crying, and I don't normally complain about finances but it is MY money and I would like it since I have to move into a new place. I can just tell he is SO done with me and it is such a shock. He doesn't want to work things out- he blames me for everything. I have tried to keep things civil. I don't want a messy divorce. Hell, I don't want a divorce at all. But my husband isn't my husband anymore. It is like some nasty horrid angry man has inhabited his body. He acts like NOTHING was EVER good between us. He insults me anyway he can and I just ignore it and show no reaction (which apparently drives him CRAZY). In a moment of masked anger I told him that I would be fine,that I have a crush on someone at work and am actually looking forward to pursuing that when we are divorced. He is astonished that I DARE have a crush on someone (even though he was talking to another woman behind my back about OUR problems.) I am humiliated becasue I did NOT see this coming. I had no idea. The weird thing is he is SO angry that I'm not showing that I'm upsest. I went out with friends last night and he'd been calling the house phone for two hours straight and demanded to know where I"d been. I was coy with him and he flipped out. He is now saying that I've been cheating on him the whole time etc. NOt a chance. He says I was too controlling and that ruined our relationship. Now he wants me to move out by this weekend! So he can have a party supposedly. I told him if he gives me $x I will find another place to stay asap. He only lasted two nights at his mother's house and wants to come home and sleep in his own bed. He also wants me to hurry up and find a place so I'm not there. Whatever. I will stay in that house until his head explodes. I am so angry. I didn't do a damn thing wrong and if I did he never talked to me about it. He made this decision all alone, wants to throw me out all to make his life easier. Last night he called me and he keeps asking why I didn't try to stop him from leaving? Why I didn't get angry and argue or even ask why he was leaving. I told him because I don't care. When he told me he wanted a divorce I knew he was done and it flipped a switch and shut my feelings for him off (not true) He said he just can't believe I'm not upset.. What is wroing with him? Do I have to cry and plead to stroke his ego? Why does he want to hurt me so badly? As far as the other woman he told me there is no chance of them dating (I told him he should have her move in after I leave) it was a low blow (to make him think I could care less about him) and he told me that "It's NOTHING like that" and that he just wanted to be friends and wanted to talk to her because she went thru what he was going thru. She told him I'd never change. She did hang out with him one day for a few hours and since then I guess she's told him she'd stop over to talk to him but keeps standing him up. She was supposed to see him last night (at his mom's house) and she blew him off. Didn't show up didn't call. He called her and she told him he'd call her right back and never did. So I don't know if he is pissed that NO ONE wants anything to do with him or what. I am SO angry. I want to make his life a living hell, not easier. He just wants me to go away quietly and without causing any hardship to him. Bastard! I can NOT believe this is the same man I married. What the hell is his problem? He wants me to hurt and be sad and is disapointed that I'm not??? But he doesn't want to be with me anymore so why would he want to hurt me?
hopesndreams Posted June 9, 2010 Posted June 9, 2010 I really admire your strength. Keep doing what you're doing. His OW, by the sounds of it, has rejected him. Now, it's up to you whether or not you take the slimy toad back. He needs to do the begging, the pleading, the crying. Why? Because you showed your strength and stood up to him. Question is, would you want him back after he put you through all this? H*ll, he hasn't even admitted to an A. I will stay in that house until his head explodes. Good one!
Coldhearted22 Posted June 9, 2010 Posted June 9, 2010 Obviously you are not the problem, Has anything changed the past couple months? As far as your relationship ya know? Him calling you and asking why you didnt try to stop him makes me think he feels like you havent cared about him for awhile. Have you suprised him with anything lately? Said something meaningful and caring out of the blue? done things around the whole that shows you care? Question: What has he done to show you he loves you? What does he do to show you that he cares and always wants to be with you? My x left me and i couldnt figure it out either....I woulda done anything for them and did, but they were talking to other guys already. It seems like some people in this world forget to appreciate what they have, and then when they have someone (Like his little friend) whispering in their ear, you look that much worse of a person in your husbands eyes. Be strong, even if he comes back to you how long is it gonna be before this happens again? 1, 5, 10 years? At least you dont have kids so you dont have to deal with him ever again. Find a man that not only wants to wake up everyday to you, but loves and cant wait to fall asleep and walk up everyday to you. Find a man that does the dishes with you, together, and does things that he may necesarrily not enjoy, but does them with you because you like them. You have got to do the same for the man as well, if you find something like that. That kinda love will never grow old, but will have burning fire for life. The grass aint greener on the other side, but build a fence tall enough so that when we tries to come back its too tall to climb. (Metaphorically) Theres great guys out there, just depends on where you look and find them, and most of the time you find that person when you arent looking. Dont fall into his trap when he brings flowers home, has dinner ready, and says all these sweet things to you just to get you back until hes ready to find another friend he can bitch to. If he isnt mature enough now to bring problems between you to and discuss them with you he never will be. And if you take him back now he will think well if she took me back one then i can do it again. Fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me. Good luck, im praying for you. Brady
Author littlelisa30 Posted June 10, 2010 Author Posted June 10, 2010 Thank you for your kind replies. It feels good to vent. He lasted two days at his mother's house. Now he comes home and yells at me about everything - he is still in shock that I am not reacting how he thought I would (I'm putting on a very calm "I don't care" facade around him) He's simply gone mad because the things he says to me- wow- I've never heard anything like that come out of his mouth- and if I EVER had we would have never gotten married in the first place. He came home and asked me if I had sex in our bed with anyone. Of course I didn't. As far as I'm concerned I'm still married. He starts screaming at me that he knows I have because I'm a nympho and I need sex all the time (we were having sex about five times a week) and that he knows I can't go more than a few days without it. Gee of all the things for a husband to complain about! The last time we had sex was on Sunday (today is Wednesday- do the math- its not like thats a dry spell) and I asked why he would think I would ever do that in the first place and he screams at me "BECAUSE YOU"RE A SLUT!" I have never heard the word "slut" ever come out of his mouth and he dare use that in reference to ME? NO YOU DID NOT. I almost slapped him. It sure felt like he slapped me. I don't know what his definition of a slut is but he knows I've only slept with five guys in my lifetime so I don't think I quite qualify. He is just so angry with me and I have NO idea why. If there wasn't a waiting period to buy a gun in my state (disclaimer, I am not serious, just seething) I would have marched down to the store and bought myself one. His brains splattered all over the wall on the wall behind the couch would be a soothing sight right now. The weird thing is- I honestly don't think he is or was having an affair. I think he had a crush on this woman and used our situation to get closer to her (he confided in her) and maybe he actually thought if he was single he would have a chance with her and she blew him off. I have no idea. But there are no other signs he was having an affair. Nothing. Anyway, he came home and after insulting me etc for about ten minutes he starts crying and telling me he misses me. WTF!! Says he's sorry and that he hates being at his mom's and misses me and wants to talk. I told him I'd let him know if and when I feel like talking and I walked out. Let him suffer wondering. I have no idea what to do.
skydiveaddict Posted June 10, 2010 Posted June 10, 2010 (edited) I cant tell you what to do, but I'm glad you're not putting up w/his crap I think a few more days at mommy's house might get his priorities in line. good luck and good job Edited June 10, 2010 by skydiveaddict
txsilkysmoothe Posted June 10, 2010 Posted June 10, 2010 It does sound to me like he developed a crush on this other woman and thought she was interested in him, also. He is realizing she isn't and now you're not looking so controlling any more.
scatterd Posted June 10, 2010 Posted June 10, 2010 my husband pretty much did the same thing to me asked for divorces out of no where and was talking to young girl.I am thinking he was wanting out because she pressured him we fought for 9 months I was not a strong as you I cried allot I was shocked.As soon as I had had enough and planned to move out he wanted to go to counseling and work it out.He swearers nothing happened that he was getting even with me because of me telling him we did not communicate and was heading for a divorce and I wanted a good realationship with him.I find that weird we have been married 17 yrs that was two years or so after we got married.I did not know him for months he was defensive and cruel.Makes you wonder does it not.If you figure the real reason let me know I know their was more to it I caught him sneaking a phone call while he hid down stairs I asked him to stay away from her he said no it went on and on.Good Luck and good job for staying strong keep it up.
Author littlelisa30 Posted June 10, 2010 Author Posted June 10, 2010 Oh god, I am so embarrased to even be typing this. Last night I broke. He came home and wanted to talk. He said he can't afford the house on his own and will have to find another place to live. That he thought about it and it just too much. He actually wanted ME to help him find a place to live. He wants to live in the same area and out in the country like we do. I told him to get a roommate and he can afford the house. Prior to this we had been house hunting for a place of our own to buy. He said he didn't even know where to look for a house to rent (the newspaper, craigslist etc duh) and when I told him he'd have to look on his own that I wasn't helping him he just blew up and accused me of "withholding information" said I knew how to find all the houses for sale and for rent (before we got married) and now I was hiding the info from him. Told him to get on the computer and read the newspaper. He actually asked ME why I want him to suffer?? What the hell!! He's the one who left ME. I'm the one suffering. he should be happy. Well I screwed up. Because when he came over and he settled down he started crying and we started talking and I started to see bits and pieces of the husband I KNEW. He said I was just too controlling and it drove him away and he thought i'd never change. Now I'll admit I don't want him going to strip clubs and I'm leery of him going to bars without me (he recently quit smoking and I REALLY don't want him to start again and so I admit if he wants to go to a bar I want to go along (to spend time with him and encourage him not to smoke). So if that is controlling, I'll take the blame for that. But he makes it sound like he was absolutey MISERABLE for months and months. If that is true why didn't I notice anything? We started talking and talking about the good times and he told me again that he misses me and misses laying next to me at night. Misses talkng me to me after work and eating dinner together and just having me to come home to. He got really worked up and damn it, I hugged him. We talked some more and he said he is sorry he ever complained about having sex too much that in just too days he realized that is a mistake. that he's sorry he felt the need to leave. that he just snapped. He asked if i wanted to talk about working things out and stupid..stupid me said ok we'll talk. We talked for about an hour. It was good. Then I made the biggest mistake. We had sex. I am so ashamed of myself. I just wanted him to want me, after how he's treated me so horribly the last few days and acted like I"m the devil. Plus I just like sex with him. It was ok. I know it was different because we have changed. He's killed some of the feelings I used to have for him. Afterward we talked some more and he said he will think about whether he still wants a divorce (ball's in his court I hate that!) and he asked if he said he still did want a divorce would I trash his stuff or slash his tires or anything. That was a weird thing to ask, like he's still leaning toward he wants out. I asked him if he thought I would just pack up and leave and his life would just go on and he said yes but he didnt' realize how bad he'd miss me. He said our relationship is the best he's ever had in his life and he didn't realize how much I mean to him until he moved out (for two days?) He came back last night after going to his mom's and he slept in the same bed as me. But not before yelling at me and accusing me of talking to other guys (the phone was on my night stand) He then started saying that I've always lied to him and that my whole life "is one big secret" I have no idea why he is saying these things! It is like he is angry that he still loves me. So he tries to pick me apart and demean me every chance he gets. If that is the case why does he sometimes break down and admit he misses me. ANd if things really were so horrible between us (by his perception) shouldn't he be thrilled to be away from the wicked witch of the west? Why is he not happy with his decision? He says he never cheated on me but he did lie to me when I kept asking him if he was going to leave and if anything was wrong. That he figured it was too far gone to fix anything. So now today, I feel sick about what I did. I should have never told him I would like to work things out. Because now he has all the power and he's probably strutting around thinking he's wanted now and will continue to be an ass and think I'm so terrible. Because now he has the power to hurt me again. Should I just call him and tell him I've changed my mind, that I definately want a divorce? I just don't know what to do. The thought of being able to reconcile and work through things and things being better than before is appealing but maybe this is just a bandaid I need to rip off, let it bleed and move on.
GrayClouds Posted June 10, 2010 Posted June 10, 2010 He is angry he was rejected, first by her, now by you. Poor guy is now 0 for 2. And he is angry because deep down inside he knows he is a idiot, messed up his life, and scared as hell because now the future looks so uncertain.
Author littlelisa30 Posted June 10, 2010 Author Posted June 10, 2010 He is angry he was rejected, first by her, now by you. Poor guy is now 0 for 2. And he is angry because deep down inside he knows he is a idiot, messed up his life, and scared as hell because now the future looks so uncertain. That does make sense. I wonder why he wasn't smart enough to wait till he was sure this other woman would want to date him before he ended things with me. He talks about her with distain too. Says he is not interested in her and there is no connection between them (I brought up that he seemed angry she keeps blowing him off) It makes him feel very tiny and unimportant and I just love that. He says that her own father told him that his daughter isnt; the type of woman men would like to date because she's a gold digger and just looking for someone to pay all her bills for her. And now because of the divorce she is stuck paying her own car payment (and its an expensive car) so she has no extra money to move out on her own. basically she needs a sugar daddy. He is just so angry and irritible and I'm absolutely amazed at his sense of entitlement. That he feels that I should be doing things to make his life EASIER. Ha!! Hello, HE is the one who made this decision he can live with the fking consequences. HE can be the one not to be in his own home, sleeping at his mother's, having to drive further to work, not being able to have his own space and I will sit right here and enjoy the peace and quiet. I really hope I can keep this up and hold on to my emotions in his presence. Because I don't want to give him one ounce of satisfaction over seeing me the slightest bit upset.
TaraMaiden Posted June 10, 2010 Posted June 10, 2010 That does make sense. I wonder why he wasn't smart enough to wait till he was sure this other woman would want to date him before he ended things with me. He talks about her with distain too. He talks about you with disdain, he talks about her with disdain... doesn't have a whole lot of respect for women, does he? Strange how it's always their fault..... Says he is not interested in her and there is no connection between them (I brought up that he seemed angry she keeps blowing him off) It makes him feel very tiny and unimportant and I just love that. What an ego the guy has got.... He says that her own father told him that his daughter isnt; the type of woman men would like to date because she's a gold digger and just looking for someone to pay all her bills for her. And now because of the divorce she is stuck paying her own car payment (and its an expensive car) so she has no extra money to move out on her own. basically she needs a sugar daddy. Wow. See how he latches in to the male opinion so readily? is he a closet misogynist, perchance? He is just so angry and irritible and I'm absolutely amazed at his sense of entitlement. That he feels that I should be doing things to make his life EASIER. Ha!! Hello, HE is the one who made this decision he can live with the fking consequences. hold that thought - for goodness' sake, please, hold that thought! HE can be the one not to be in his own home, sleeping at his mother's, having to drive further to work, not being able to have his own space and I will sit right here and enjoy the peace and quiet. Yes, and while you're at it, make sure you thank him for the sex. it did you good. Any time you feel like it again, you'll be sure to let him know, he has his uses.... I really hope I can keep this up and hold on to my emotions in his presence. Because I don't want to give him one ounce of satisfaction over seeing me the slightest bit upset. Focus on the dreadful, awful things he has said to you. He's going to have to do a whole lot of crawling and apologising, and really make it up to you, even to make it up the first step of the porch. And don't forget, he can't force you to leave the marital home. he would have to buy you out (providing your name is also on the deed.) And you have no plans on moving anywhere. he can move out if he wants to, but you're happy to stay put. For the foreseeable future.....
Author littlelisa30 Posted June 10, 2010 Author Posted June 10, 2010 Why do I still miss him? Why am I considering taking him back? When the anger wears off, I just want my old life back. To him, maybe this had been building for a while or he had time to digest and plan it (though that doesn't seem to be the case) but to me, my whole life changed three days ago. I'm probably still in shock. I don't understand why he is doing this. His father passed away very suddenly not even two months ago and I have been so good to him (he wasn't close to his dad but still..) and his family. I don't understand why he thinks I'm just unwanted trash he can just throw away. I went to see a counselor I'd never met the day after this happened. I spent two hours talking and crying in her office. I really liked her. She was fair- she didn't put him down, just said she was only hearing my side of the story and if he was there he'd have a side too. She also told me that none of it was my fault. that people make their own decisions and he is just blaming me for everything so he feels that he is "right". I just hate this roller coaster feeling, the up and down. One minute I feel strong and like I can get through this and then something catches me off guard (something reminded me of what he did for me for my birthday- he bought me presents, baked me a cake (which he's NEVER done before), took my out to dinner and got me a beautiful card that he wrote something very sweet inside.) and I'm thinking that was just a few months ago- who is this man who has replaced my husband??
Author littlelisa30 Posted June 10, 2010 Author Posted June 10, 2010 He talks about you with disdain, he talks about her with disdain... doesn't have a whole lot of respect for women, does he? Strange how it's always their fault..... What an ego the guy has got.... Wow. See how he latches in to the male opinion so readily? is he a closet misogynist, perchance? hold that thought - for goodness' sake, please, hold that thought! Yes, and while you're at it, make sure you thank him for the sex. it did you good. Any time you feel like it again, you'll be sure to let him know, he has his uses.... Focus on the dreadful, awful things he has said to you. He's going to have to do a whole lot of crawling and apologising, and really make it up to you, even to make it up the first step of the porch. And don't forget, he can't force you to leave the marital home. he would have to buy you out (providing your name is also on the deed.) And you have no plans on moving anywhere. he can move out if he wants to, but you're happy to stay put. For the foreseeable future..... Thanks for the support. The thing is- I've never heard my husband talk badly about women. I've NEVER heard him use the word whore or slut so yesterday seeing this wild eyed, angry man in my living room (who sure looked like my husband) screaming "BECAUSE YOU'RE A SLUT" at me while acccusing me of bringing home strange men earlier in the day to have sex in our bed just blows my mind. None of the things he is accusing me of are even vaguely true. I've never cheated on him, he's never accused me of it before. I haven't treated him badly so I just have no idea why he is so bitter and horrid toward me. This is what HE wanted. he should be skipping around singing because I didn't argue with him. Just shrugged and agreed with him. He didn't have to put up with hysterics or anger from me. Just not caring (or letting him think I dont') and he's FURIOUS at my attitude.
scatterd Posted June 10, 2010 Posted June 10, 2010 It sounds like he needs his ego stroked how old is he could it be mid life crisis read about it.You have been betrayed and lied to its going to hurt it is hard to cope as fast as things happened.He is going to wish he had not done this one day and will be begging for forgiveness.Try to stay busy do not stroke him he did you wrong.After a while you will be stronger you might find your self happy to not be in this mess.Think about you and your needs while.Later if you want talk to him about counseling.Big Hugs:bunny:
hopesndreams Posted June 10, 2010 Posted June 10, 2010 It looks as though he has put you on the back burner until he knows for sure the OW does not want him. I know how you would like to think it's just an EA, but sad to say, it is most likely PA. He would not have cursed you out, accuse you of doing the things he himself has done and then leave you. Giving in too soon (sex) was a HUGE mistake. That's ok, we all make them. You need to get your power back as fast as you can. Don't give him the time needed to get things back on track with OW. They may have only had a tiff or a huge blowout. It isn't over between those two, that much is certain. You need to start investigating. You need to get your power back. You had it once, you can do it again. Go through your house with a fine tooth comb. It's surprising what one can find secretly stashed away. As long as there is an intruder in the M, there is no chance. If he doesn't come clean and you both try to make things work, it will only be a matter of time before he seeks out another. He's weak. The stress of his father's death has contributed to this. Cheaters aren't good copers with what life can throw at them. Give him space, and lots of it. Do not seek him out. Do not talk about the M anymore. This gives you chance to wrap your head around what has happened and with time you might discover that having a cheater in your life, is no life at all.
Author littlelisa30 Posted June 11, 2010 Author Posted June 11, 2010 Ok maybe I'm in denial here but I honesty don't think he was cheating on me. Maybe he WANTED to cheat on me but we were almost always together so he didn't have a chance to. I Have no idea. There were NO signs of cheating. And I've been cheated on in a previous relationship so I've seen the signs. I think he was "gearing up" to cheat on me possibly or to get ready to leave me for someone else. He quit smoking, bought new clothes this past weekend (two days before he left me) and then maybe he left and realized that this woman he thought he would date as soon as he left me just wasn't into him. Thats my best guess. You know, I'm trying really hard not to care. Obviously my husband isn't really my husband anymore. He doesn't have feelings for me so I have to get rid of my feelings for him. I always thought I'd be devastated by a divorce and maybe that comes later when reality sets in. Right now I'm trying to take it one day at a time and keep my head up. I really need someone to talk to though. My parents, my sister, my friends are all tired of hearing me vent. I seriously have to restrain myself from doing ugly things to hurt him. I know I shouldn't want someone who doesn't want me anymore, but I just feel like I want him to snap out of this and appologize and go back to our normal life. I CAN NOT BELIEVE the man that he's become or acting like. You have NO idea how far from what he is "really" like he is acting. Just three weeks ago he was devoted and in love with me, would never do anything to hurt me and now all he wants to do is make sure I'm in pain. He is doing everything in his power to hurt me. He is threatening to turn off the power to our house. Not a huge deal because I'll just call, pay the reconnect fee and have it turned back on. I Instead of just leaving me alone and staying at his mother's house (she lives 25 minutes away) he will stop at home to do stupid things like shave, or take a shower which clearly he can do at his mother's house. He has NO reason to stop at the house except to try to antagonize me (which I didn't let him do last night). He told me is going to a bar with friends tonight and hopes to get laid. Good for him. If he brings someone back to our house while I'm home how in the hell do I handle that???? Last night I went out with friends and came back around 10pm. I had left a light on inside so I could see (don't like coming home to a dark house and he knows that) sometime after he stopped at the house once, he had stopped again (driven another 25 minutes?) and had turned the light off so I WOULD come home to a dark house. Just stupid things like that. Again I DO NOT understand this! HE IS THE ONE WHO LEFT ME, not vice versa, This is what HE wanted. So why is he going out of his wife to try to do things to make it harder on ME????? I should be the one who is having a yard sale and selling his stuff for pennies on the dollar, destroying his "toys" and running up our credit cards. I should be the one giving him a hard time and trying to hurt him the way he's hurt me by leaving. Yet I'm not doing any of that. At times, I want to. But I don't. If he doesn't want to be with me, then why retaliate? I'm not some crazy stalker, I'm his wife. The only thing I've done is the very night he told me he didn't want to be married to me anymore, I got rid of everything in the house (of mine) that reminded me of him. Anything he'd ever given me- cards, clothes, I even got rid of all our old bathtowels, soap, shampoo, deoderant, I don't even want to brush my teeth with the kind of toothpaste we always used. I threw so much stuff out it was unbelievable, THen went out and bought all new toiletries, bath towels etc. I got rid of everything except our pictures. I bought new sheets for the bed- I don't even want anything that smells like him. Our old life is gone. I wish more than anything I could have it back but obviously that isn't happening. Please someone answer this- why can't he just leave me alone if he doesn't want to be with me anymore? Why does he keep doing everything in his power to hurt me or make me uncomfortable? What did I ever do to this man???
JamesM Posted June 11, 2010 Posted June 11, 2010 Please someone answer this- why can't he just leave me alone if he doesn't want to be with me anymore? Why does he keep doing everything in his power to hurt me or make me uncomfortable? What did I ever do to this man??? Forgive me if I missed it, but when did this all start...just in the last couple of weeks? How old is he? You? How long have the two of you been married and do you have children? Is this the first marriage? As painful as this is to you, could it be the result of a mid-life crisis (hence the age questions)? My guess is that you may not have done anything to him and if you did, then he is at fault for building up so much resentment without communicating his hurt/anger to you in an adult civil manner.
hopesndreams Posted June 11, 2010 Posted June 11, 2010 You have NO idea how far from what he is "really" like he is acting. Just three weeks ago he was devoted and in love with me, would never do anything to hurt me and now all he wants to do is make sure I'm in pain I do know. All too well. That's why I gave you advice. What did I ever do to this man??? It's not about what you did or didn't do. It's all on him. He is an adult, you are not responsible for his actions. His selfish wants and desires ruled him. He had someone that gave him butterflies. He didn't move on to a mature love with you.
hopesndreams Posted June 11, 2010 Posted June 11, 2010 I really need someone to talk to though. My parents, my sister, my friends are all tired of hearing me vent. This forum is great for just that. This is your thread. Vent away. There are many caring people on here to help you. It's best to just listen to those that have been through it though. Be sure to check the posters threads and posts.
Author littlelisa30 Posted June 12, 2010 Author Posted June 12, 2010 Thanks, and you were right- there is an OW of sorts. He didn't do anything with her prior to telling me he wanted out but since she knew he was "single" she kissed him and has been playing hot and cold. So now I believe that his sudden change of heart toward me has everything to with his interest in this OW. He probably thought as soon as he left me he'd have a chance with her and now things aren't looking so good. He tells me that he didn't think things through completely (that he'd be so miserable, not have a place to live etc) but that he was so unhappy he just had to get out. That was his only thought. I don't believe that- if he was so unhappy I would have noticed. I think he thought the grass would be greener elsewhere and that is what caused his magnification of all my supposed faults. Good luck to them both. I hope she treats him like dirt. NOt so he comes back ( I don't want him) but because he deserves it.
Author littlelisa30 Posted June 12, 2010 Author Posted June 12, 2010 Forgive me if I missed it, but when did this all start...just in the last couple of weeks? How old is he? You? How long have the two of you been married and do you have children? Is this the first marriage? As painful as this is to you, could it be the result of a mid-life crisis (hence the age questions)? My guess is that you may not have done anything to him and if you did, then he is at fault for building up so much resentment without communicating his hurt/anger to you in an adult civil manner. He is 32 and I am 30. So no mid life crisis unless it is a very young one. NO kids, first marriage for both. We've been together for a total of 6 years. Married going on three. He had everything he should have wanted, I didn't neglect any of his needs, we had fun together, we had great sex (he still laments about that even this week) He had everything he could ever want- except the freedom of being single. And now obviously that is more important than love, security, and someone to come home to every day.
Author littlelisa30 Posted June 14, 2010 Author Posted June 14, 2010 I finally broke down and wrote my husband a letter telling him how much I loved him and that I was sorry for hurting him (I honestly don't know what I did to cause him so much pain but whatever it was, I'm sorry) From his reaction to me you'd think I was cheating on him or something. He didn't respond to the letter. I had to ask him if he read it. He said he did why? He then said he didn't believe a word of it. I called him and we talked and I saw glimpses of the man I used to be married to. He says he misses me and feels like sh*t because we aren't together. Says now he wishes he'd talked things over first before leaving. He said part of him wants to try again but the other part thinks I'll never change and he won't be happy. Said he hates being without me ,that he can't sleep, that he's bored and has nothing to do. That he doesnt' know where's he's going to live, that its probably going to end up being in the city (instead of out in the country which he loves) and he'll hate it. that he wishes we could go back but he just can't. I've asked him to think about it twice now (the third time was last night) and it seems he thinks about it and then finds the dumbest reasons not to. I put my heart out there last night and with that letter. If not to get back together, just so he will remember me as the woman he once loved more than anything and not with all this scorn and anger. I want to throw myself at his feet and beg him to come back. I want my old life back. But I don't think he cares. His OW (or suspected OW) ran off 12 hours away to marry some guy she knew in high school!) He seems to care less. I am thinking he never slept with her after all. I just dont' know what to do. Why doesn't he want to work things out???
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