At crossroads with cheating husband

[Lady Di]

I’m at a point in my life and relationship where I need to make a decision – either stay with my serial cheating husband or leave and start over.

 

Little history…

 

We’ve been together for 6 years, 4 years married. Our biggest issue – he has never been completely faithful or honest with me from the day we met. He cheated on me starting the first month we dated – with a stranger from a bar and his ex girlfriend. (They had been broken up for a year. Their two year on and off again relationship was a result of him having an affair with her - she was married, he was single) I understand the first few months of his cheating as we were both unsure of being in a committed relationship (although we both promised to be honest and sexually faithful, which was important to me). He continued to talk and have infrequent sex with his ex girlfriend for at least the first 7 months of our dating relationship. The confusing part – we had an amazing and extremely active sex life during this time. I believe the cheating with his ex ended after he moved into my house – although she still called him. In fact, she called him the night after we got engaged (I was with him when she called). At that time, he claimed that he hadn’t spoken with her for almost a year. I didn’t know at this time that he had cheated on me or continuing to talk with this ex. I had suspected that he wasn’t being completely honest with me about some things, but I really didn’t know or believe that it was this bad. Our relationship was better than good and I would never have suspected this.

 

Over the course of our 4 year marriage, he has let himself be overcome by temptation and stepping outside of our marriage boundaries, which has resulted in our relationship having stress and myself having a difficult time forgiving and forgetting. He also had a serious addiction to internet porn – which he has been “clean of” for the past year. During these years there have been many broken promises and false hopes. He has always found a way to justify his behavior and never took accountability for the things he did.

 

Recently I learned that he has been having somewhat of a “flirty” affair with a girl that he works with. I don’t believe there has been anything sexual – mostly due to lack of opportunity on his part. When I confronted him, he denied even talking to her, other than “hello and goodbye”. After bantering back and forth about what I knew, he admitted that he was overly friendly with her (he only admitted to the things I told him and nothing more). They had been sending emails back and forth to each other at work – mostly flirty messages. They also arranged to attend off-site training together about two months ago. When I asked “why” in regards to his relationship with her, he said that he liked the attention she gave him. The bad thing – this girl is 20 years old, not much older than my daughter, and he’s 35 (I’m older than my husband). She also has a boyfriend and lives at home with her mom. This relationship with her has been going on for at least 8 months. He said that he knew it had reached a point of escalation and “slowed things down” about a month before I found out. How did I find out? I received an anonymous email from somebody – don’t know who it was.

 

During these 8 months I knew something was wrong, but I couldn’t figure it out. He was distant with me and wasn’t working very hard at our marriage. The last 4 months he was telling me that he wanted to try harder – while he was doing just the opposite behind my back.

 

There is a lot more to tell – but I don’t want to bore you with a novel. I have kids from a previous marriage and he has none. My kids are definitely attached to him and they would be devastated if we split up

 

He has somewhat of a temper and has stepped over the line of abuse several times. He has said things to me that only couples in a hostile divorce would say --- he claims that he can’t control was he says when he’s mad.

 

The really bad thing – I really love him. We are “partners in crime” and have amazing times together. We have built so many good memories during our 6 years and we have never tire of each other. I don’t want to imagine life without him and I know he feels the same about me. He is the only person I want to call when I need to tell someone something and I am the person he calls.

 

This latest incident devastated me more than anything – and I really don’t know why. I hurt so bad that my body was in pain and I couldn’t stop crying – I’ve never reacted like this to anything he has ever done before. It’s been a month since I learned. He said he quit talking to her 100%. He has been completely different than any other time – he said he saw how much pain he caused me and it hurt him. He is trying more than I’ve seen him before. I’m having a difficult time going through this and have reached a point that I am wondering if I should just end our relationship. I’m not sure what would be harder – being without him or going through this again. He has never been faithful and he has never kept his promises – why would it be different now?

 

I am the financially stable person in our marriage – finances are definitely not keeping me with him

 

I’m not sure what I’m looking for – maybe some advice or opinions. I have never turned to anybody for help over the past 6 years and I’ve never breathed a word about this to anybody.

Edited June 9, 2010 by Lady Di
html codes were in the body

[TaraMaiden]

Here's your biggest mistake:

 

We’ve been together for 6 years, 4 years married. Our biggest issue – he has never been completely faithful or honest with me from the day we met.

 

If you've known this from the word go, you really only have yourself to blame.

I hate to sound harsh, but he just doesn't have it in him to be faithful to one partner. he's a roaming guy with a roving eye, and you've known this from day one, so really your questions should be, 'why the hell have I put up with this for so long?'

 

You've become dependent on his attention.

This has actually eaten away and eroded your own self-esteem.

I'm sorry to say this, but frankly, I wouldn't give a damn about his relationship with your kids.

The main and most important issue is his relationship with you.

And he doesn't have one.

You're a regular place to stay, for him. You're the home port and point of anchorage, but it's a big ocean out there with plenty of berths.

my own personal opinion is that human beings are not monogamous by nature. we're not actually programmed to be faithful to one partner 'til death do us part'. We're mammals, and as such, have sexual instincts requiring the appeasement of more than one partner.

We take vows and make promises, because we've been educated and conditioned by many social factors, to do so.

You should have an affair or two yourself.

You should go get some from elsewhere, and see how that affects him.

 

What does worry me more though, is the aggressive abuse.

Now that really should be a no-brainer-deal-breaker.

This tells me he is breaking you in two, and that you are letting him.

Honey, if you're this miserable - what the hell was the question, again? And why are you even asking it?

I'm afraid he would now be in the history book under the chapter title of - "Things I definitely should never have done, and am so glad to be rid of now"....

[2sure]

I will be married 5 years in July. My divorce becomes final in August. I have been married before and brought my daughter into this marriage. He has no children. We have had multiple D-Days during the course of our marriage starting at 6 months into it. We have attended MC, he has seen therapists. I adore him. He adores me. He is a serial cheater. A narcissist.

I can forgive him but I cant fix him, I cant help him help himself. I cannot ignore his behavior. His actions and my suspicions have undermined our marriage. He is an embarrassment. There is not enough attention in the world for him. Hi selfishness had made me realize that when the going gets tough...its only his own ass he will watch out for.

 

I am heartbroken. In every respect we brought out the best in each other. But I'm feeling better.

[JamesM]

The question is.....why is it better to stay with him than leave him?

 

The benefits as I read....

He is good with your kids.

You have great times together.

You love him.

 

 

The negatives....

He lies.

He cheats.

He is a negative role model to your kids...as to how to commit to a wife, and he abuses his wife.

He has little respect for you as evidenced by the lies and cheating.

He enjoys getting sex on the side and cannot be satisfied with just one woman.

He does not truly love you.

 

Why does it hurt more now? If I could guess, then I would say that you had hoped he no longer cheated. It has seemed that he has been faithful for so long. The thing with the ex...you can call that simply not letting go of his ex. Those flings along the way? Addictions relating to his porn addiction. But this...this is with a girl that could be your daughter. This hits home.

 

He is acting remorseful because HE does not believe that you will leave him. He is figuring that if he acts remorseful enough, then you will stay. And when things seem safe enough, then he will cheat again.

 

You decide. I can guarantee that there is a man out there that will treat you with respect and love. But this one...he doesn't seem to know the meaning of that. Will he change after this many years full of lies and deceit? Doubtful.

 

Get some counseling and advice from a professional. He or she may be helpful for you to see what direction you should go.

[2sunny]

he claims that he can’t control was he says when he’s mad.

 

this man also cannot and doesn't intend to control his actions either.

 

you have a choice to make. either stay KNOWING full well he will always cheat on you (his history shows this consistency) OR leave knowing you deserve more from any relationship you are in.

 

for the most part - IF he says he's not changing - he's not gonna change. so you either accept his cheating ways or get out.

[stillafool]

Lady Di he will not change. Every time he needs a fix he will get one. You have taught him that it is okay because you continually take him back each time. You said you are the financial support in your family, so he doesn't even have to do that. If you stay with him you will have to accept that this is the way your life is going to be.

[linwood]

He can change.

 

It`s a longshot though.

 

I was the same kind of guy always an eye out for my next conquest.

 

What changed me was my wife and our marriage.

 

My wife was my OW when we got together so that immediately saddled us with trust issues most couples might not have to deal with right away if at all.

 

This led me to change what and who I was considering what not changing would cost me.

 

You can tell if he`s changing by the effort he`s making.

 

If my wife was feeling insecure about us or if I had given her reason to feel insecure about us I would do things like call her from a landline phone instead of my cell so she would know I was where I said I`d be.

 

I didn`t go out without her and she was able to know where I was all the time.

I let her know I loved and needed only her everyday in many ways.

 

This went on for quite a while until I had helped her build her trust in me.

It`s not even an issue anymore.

 

In fact I do still occasionally do these things when my job keeps me from home for extended periods.

 

Your situation is a bit different as he has already been allowed to roam but I don`t think it`s impossible.

 

The tough part is that you really can`t do anything to help the situation.

It has to be done by him and it has to be something he feels strongly about doing for you.

[2sunny]

linwood - you are stating your ACTIONS changed while married. the OP has stated a ton of evidence that her husbands words AND actions show evidence that he's been unfaithful and doesn't intend to change... big difference.

 

is it possible? yes

 

is it likely? not very much

[RedDevil66]

I didn't read your whole post, but didn't have to.

Right now, you're in the "doormat"position. He will never change as long as there is someone accepting his sickness.

 

People who do what your H does have a sickness. Sex addiction, love addiction, call it what you like, but rarely does it ever "go away" with therapy or any rock bottoms.

 

You need to take care of you now.

[linwood]

linwood - you are stating your ACTIONS changed while married. the OP has stated a ton of evidence that her husbands words AND actions show evidence that he's been unfaithful and doesn't intend to change... big difference.

 

is it possible? yes

 

is it likely? not very much

 

Oh, I agree sunny.

I did mention it was a serious longshot.

 

However I believe it is possible if unlikely.

 

Her husband would have to have some type of major epiphany to even begin to understand what he must do.

 

Not to mention finding the will and strength to do it.

[Frustratedone]

I too am in a similar relationship with my man. We get along great...best friends but the times that he lies or omits information etc has left me questioning my trust in him. I don't believe that he has actually cheated but he loves attention from other women, sad part about it, they don't even have to be good looking either. He is a workaholic and I've also seen a few cable bills with porn movies ordered. He is the supervisor at his work and believe it or not, I believe with his actions etc that he has brainwashed (manipulated) his employees within this small company (especially the girls) that they are the apple of his eye. When we go to company functions, these girls are so defensive against me...another sad part about that is I new these girls before they started working for him (slap in the face). He travels sometimes for work and later I'll find out through others within the office that he would be out all hours of the night at dance clubs (he is 45). I get so frustrated because we discuss how I feel about things and he agrees at the time and then the next thing you know...add alcohol to the equation and he's oblivious to his actions and he's at it again. Other times he just tells me I'm crazy and insecure. Insecure?? I believe his insecurities are why he behaves this way...and yes your right, it is VERY embarrassing for someone who has pride. Workaholics are also known to be insecure people as well so the only way to chalk this up is exactly that. I believe him to a Narcissist as well. His mother is one and I believe she raised one. He never seems to be happy and appreciate anything and just seems to be unpredicable. If I point situations out to him and ask him to put himself in my shoes, he just can not empathize with me. He is never wrong...I believe that someone can't be that stupid to not understand someone that you loves feelings, but I guess when your a selfish bastard it just comes naturally to only think of oneself.

Unforturnately, I believe this to stem from his childhood which has developed into addictive behaviours. Addictive behaviours of strip joints, porn, and workaholism. I would not consider him an alcoholic, but when he does drink, his behaviours are like a child when it comes to someone paying attention to him...it's pathetic actually and I can't understand it because his mother gave him ALL the attention he needed (and still does to this day).

I'm not sure if people like this can be fixed either, maybe a temporary fix but I think this problem goes much deeper. They constantly need attention and re-assurance.

[Lady Di]

TaraMaiden -- you are correct, my staying has been much my fault. Although I didn't know of his behavior and habitual lying and cheating until after we were married, I've never been strong enough to stand up and let him really know that I won't take it any more. I use to think I was doing just that through my "threats" of leaving or "divorce", but I now know that he really knew that I was more afraid to leave him than to stay.

 

JamesM --your benefits and negatives are spot on, I can't deny that. Without giving you the dark and horrible details, your seem to have a clear idea of what I'm going through - -makes me feel like I'm not alone out there. I know that there are a lot of men out there for me, but I just wish my husband would be that right person. It's amazing how spot on you were about his behavior -- I've been through the same cycle over and over with him for all these years.

 

Linwood -- I have always believed that he could change...and I've been there at his side along the way. I believe he knows this is the end of what I can take and his desired change is either now or never. I appreciate your words of confidence as I challenge myself to make my marriage work and to build a wonderful life for my kids. The question I continually ask myself ... "would I abandon my kids if they behaved in a similar way"....and I wouldn't.

 

I am in a horrible position and I really didn't know that I had people that would understand and offer such wonderful advice as you all did. I'm definitely afraid of making a change in my life -- especially when I'm committed to make it work. I'm a very strong business woman - but very weak in relationships.

 

The bad thing -- I didn't even tell the most disturbing aspects of my marriage. I think I've spent years being convinced that what I endure is normal....I need to find a way to the real world.

[Woman In Blue]

LadyDi, it sounds as though you carry around a terrific amount of shame for your husband's actions (actions which you allow, thus, the shame).

 

You're in such an unhealthy and dysfunctional marriage, and you honestly believe a divorce would devastate your kids? I think that's an excuse you use because you don't want to divorce him. Just like every other kid in the world, yours will survive, trust me.

 

I guess in your case, the devil that you DO know is better than the devil that you don't know, correct?

 

As the others have stated, you've clearly established your position as a doormat for this abusive excuse for a man. He has no morals, no boundaries, no respect for you or your marriage, no respect for his family, and absolutely no remorse for what he does. He sounds like a sociopath, to be quite honest. He's devoid of the ability to feel empathy - that's quite clear.

 

If you can't imagine life without a cruel, abusive, selfish, moral-less man who thinks nothing of sniffing around a 20 year old GIRL hoping to get into her pants, then I guess you've chosen to lead a miserable existence for the rest of your life. In your post, you make it very clear you don't want to divorce and you use your kids as one of the excuses as to why. Yet, you're willing to subject them to a man who thinks nothing of being abusive to their own mother, and constantly devastating her.

 

How's that working for you?

 

I guess not so well since his a*sshole behavior is now affecting you PHYSICALLY as well as emotionally and mentally. But I'm sure that's much better for you to subject your kids to - a mother writhing on the floor in pain and emotional agony at the hands of this creep - than subjecting them to a separation.

 

Please get into therapy, Lady Di. When you're REALLY able to finally see this situation for what it is (as we outsiders can see it), I think you'll realize how dysfunctional your marriage really is. Good luck to you.

[turnstone]

I believe there is a certain type of man (and maybe woman, who knows?) that is so driven by sexual encounters that nothing else will fulfil them. My ex husband was one of these and after goodness knows how many affairs, I found out. Straight after I got an STD test and it was positive. So please get checked out.

 

I can't see how my ex husband could change, or even would want to change, and I feel the same way when I read the stories here of other men like him.

 

Whatever dread you are feeling at the thought of divorcing or being without him, its unfounded. The situation you are in is so destructive, you will be happy, your children will be happy and you won't understand what took you so long, once you're away from him.

[SarahRose]

He needs something that will dramatically lower his sex drive like chemical castration or taking some anti depressants know to wipe out the libido.

 

I bet he would still be a horses butt even if he wasn't screwing around all the time.