why is she distancing herself?

[jb89]

Ok, so let me start with a brief background story to this-

 

I started talking to this girl through a friend probably a year and a half ago. Started off flirtacious, then just as friends. She got a boyfriend, and I got a girlfriend. We've both been single for about 6 months, and we recently started talking of spending some time together. She's done this thing before, where she'll get really close to me, tell me about how badly she wants to spend time together, then the next day she couldn't be any more distant.

 

The past few days, we've been talking literally nonstop all day, random phone calls from her just to talk, and talking on the phone for at least an hour prior to falling asleep.

 

I recently purchased a plane ticket for her to come here next Monday (ordered it about a week ago) and I've been very excited about it. She tells me that she really wants to see me, unprompted, and talks about what she wants to do when she's here, yet when I bring up my excitement, the subject is quickly changed. I asked her why she does this, and told her it makes me paranoid that she's going to bail last-second, and she said to stop worrying, that it's just subconscious, she doesn't even realize she does it. She also said that it's immature, but that she doesn't want to jinx it, and doesn't know what to say about things she's anticipating.

 

Naturally, since I spent the money on the ticket, it's been all that's on my mind, and I can't wait to see her, but I've been a nervous wreck because I haven't figured out yet if she's going to bail or not. I trust her, but she gives me mixed signals when it comes to talking about her trip.

 

Today, we've hardly talked at all, I asked her what was wrong, and she told me that she's just depressed because of other things going on, and that was about it, nothing to do with me.

 

Should I be straightforward with her and tell her I'm paranoid of her distancing herself again? (She's done it in the past, and we had a falling out)

[RedRussian]

mixed signals = LOW INTEREST LEVEL

 

If you can't refund the tickets then all you can do is wait and see, but if she flakes on you bro, then drop the loser and never talk to her again. Your emotions are too valuable for her to play with like that.

[jb89]

I was worried about this. It sucks though because it's like some days she couldn't be any more interested, then days like today, she just shows no interest in anything, not just me.

 

I'm just used to the other party being overly excited and talking about it nonstop and being excited with me, I can't help but keep in the back of my mind "when's she going to tell me she can't come"

[jb89]

Also, how bad of an idea would it be to ask her straight up about this entire issue? Obviously there's a good chance of it only pushing her away, and waiting would be better, but it's seriously making me a nervous wreck.

[RedRussian]

How long until the place ride? Try to take your mind off the issue, play red dead redemption, play ball with your buds, go to a bar, just chill and relax or work out.

 

Keep yourself busy so when day comes you like "what? oh ok you coming i forgot it was today" and if she does not come try her for a refund and if not, well cut your loses, just money, it will come.

[RedRussian]

Good idea, why suffer bro? ask her to promise you that she will come so you don't worry, tell her it is a Money issue more than your emotional weakness to the situation. Be indifferent about her trip in a conversation and cool when you talk about it.

[jb89]

Good idea, why suffer bro? ask her to promise you that she will come so you don't worry, tell her it is a Money issue more than your emotional weakness to the situation. Be indifferent about her trip in a conversation and cool when you talk about it.

 

I have told her before that I'm worried about it, and she told me that I needn't worry about it, because she has everything squared away as far as what she needs to get to the airport, and to get here, it comforted me for the time being, but today I'm just not feelin' it at all.

 

I do know that she has some emotional/trust issues because of past relationship happenings, but she has told me that she fully trusts me, and shared everything with me as far as what happened. Since I've already told her that I'm nervous about something happening and her not being able to come, probably at least 2-3 times, I don't really want to say anything again.

 

It's just extremely weird to me, and I hope she's not getting tired of me before the time comes that she flies here. It's 5 days away, and I don't know if me backing off a bit and being less available will make her miss me more, or just help her distance herself.

[jb89]

She will bail on you guaranteed... All women are like that.

 

Why do you say that? Not saying that I'm doubting that it'll happen, but I'd rather cut my losses before it happens, I guess.

[RedRussian]

You should cut loses and if she shows up it will be a pleasant surprise nothing more bro.

 

5 Days is nothing, you can do it standing on your head, relax and try to free your mind from this woman. I know, we ALL know it's hard and we all been there bro but it is possible. You will feel stronger and respect yourself more.

 

Don't Pine for this girl, she is not worth a single pubic hair of yours.

 

You are a prize is she can't see it well then she will never apretiate it like she should so it will not be worth it in a long run anyway.

[jb89]

I see what you're saying.

 

She was in a LDR before for like a year and she told me about how the guy controlled her from 2000 miles away and how distance was something she never really got along with. I'd like to think that I'd at least be able to change her mind, but I'm not sure that I can do that without showing her a good time first, and giving her something to look forward to (ie, seeing me again)

[Feelin Frisky]

Beware. The term "complex" is not just an empty insult but a serious reality. It can mean something as serious as borderline personality disorder and a form of split personalities (one not as overt as the really extreme cases portrayed in the movies). I have had experience with this. My once fiancé had these issues only I was far less educated about them. After a bout of passionate love-making she would betray me by accusing me of ogling other women. It hurt and I usually tried to reason with her which only got me angry because her personality was a conglomeration instead of a continuum and rationale is how such people spread their toxicity. She became someone who couldn't seem to remember how close and personal we just were.

 

Certain foods like shellfish would turn her into a blithering idiot whereas just before we'd be all over each other and looking forward to sex. There was no way I could snap her out of this baby-talking stupidity where suddenly one so hot for sexual fulfillment all day just couldn't even stay awake and/or carry on an adult conversation. It took quite a while for me to reconcile these truths in my head after I finally put an end to the roller coaster romance. While you're involved it's hard not to just want to be happy and steady.

[RedRussian]

How old are you two and how long are you dating?

 

I also can't stand when woman talks to you like your a a child, not to you but AT you if you know what I mean. She would say things like "It's complicated", "Have patience", "You don't get it" etc. like I am a child who can't learn or fathom logic and emotion.

 

It a way to keep us in a fog and string us along.

 

We got scissors and we must use them to cut strings as we see or feel them.

Edited June 9, 2010 by RedRussian

[jb89]

I'm 20, she's 19.

 

I do know that she has emotional issues because she's shared them with me before, so I'm doing my best to take it into account, but I also can't help but to also consider the fact that she's distanced herself before in the past from me, in almost the exact same fashion.

 

We're not dating, that's what things were headed towards though. Maybe I'm just looking too far into this. I don't have much that I can keep my mind occupied with lately, but as corny as it sounds, she has been having to wake up super early each day the past week or so, and it became some sort of routine to call me and also wake me up to get my day started. Today was the first day that she didn't do that, and oddly enough it's throwing things off for me, and she's in a completely distant mood when she talks to me.

 

She does have some family issues and has shared a few things with me lately that could contribute to it, but I couldn't ever imagine someone buying me a ticket to visit them and not having that as my constant state of mind.

[RedRussian]

Dude she is 19!!!!!! Girls don't know a thing about who or what they want and they usually flow from one guy to the next. Don't be investing in to a 19 year old model, not reliable.

 

When you get 26-33 year old model, there is room for stability.

[jb89]

Well I'm also only 20. I guess the biggest blower is that we share almost too many common interests. I'm going to wait until tonight to see if she tries initiating conversation with me. If not, I'm just going to ask her either before I go to sleep, or tomorrow, if I should cancel her flight, seeing as to how she's no longer showing much interest in me, and hope it doesn't blow up in my face.

[jb89]

Can I get some advice from someone on how to go about saying, "Hey, you've done this before, things were fine last night, what's the deal, you're supposed to be coming here in a few days" without flat out saying it like that?

[RedRussian]

The key is not so say it at all and just let it play out, because nothing she will say will put you at ease. So let her think you are indifferent, don't call or text for next 5 days.

 

You did your part, got her ticket and everything, no need to seem needy and desperate. You paid for the ticket, more then enough attention for now.

[jb89]

The key is not so say it at all and just let it play out, because nothing she will say will put you at ease. So let her think you are indifferent, don't call or text for next 5 days.

 

You did your part, got her ticket and everything, no need to seem needy and desperate. You paid for the ticket, more then enough attention for now.

Right, but at the same time, if she is playing some sort of really obnoxious game, while I shouldn't want any part in it, if she's expecting me to chase her a bit, it'd seem like I'm the uninterested one, wouldn't it?

[ukguy1985]

Dude she is 19!!!!!! Girls don't know a thing about who or what they want and they usually flow from one guy to the next. Don't be investing in to a 19 year old model, not reliable.

 

When you get 26-33 year old model, there is room for stability.

 

i disagree with that, the 26yr old i was with in an ldr ended things with me and hooked up with someone in her city 3 days later.

[RedRussian]

26 is an average cut off point, i have no illusions that 26-28 can be as flaky and immature.

 

if she's expecting me to chase her a bit

 

Why play her games? if you do you will lose, let her expect what ever, you do what is good for you and what you need. At this time don't think what she expects you to do. Try get her out of your mind for the next 4 days.

 

Trust me, don't call or text her first and when she does, make phone convo genetic like you indifferent or ,forgot that she is coming soon. Don't talk about relationship or the trip.

[jb89]

26 is an average cut off point, i have no illusions that 26-28 can be as flaky and immature.

 

if she's expecting me to chase her a bit

 

Why play her games? if you do you will lose, let her expect what ever, you do what is good for you and what you need. At this time don't think what she expects you to do. Try get her out of your mind for the next 4 days.

 

Trust me, don't call or text her first and when she does, make phone convo genetic like you indifferent or ,forgot that she is coming soon. Don't talk about relationship or the trip.

 

Last night we talked for a bit when she got home, the conversation was a bit more bland than it was a few days ago. She initiated each conversation we had though, and sent me little kissy faces and <333's randomly, so I'm thinking that maybe I was thinking a little too much into it.

 

She also mentioned that she went to a job interview and told me that she told them she couldn't start until a date that was after when she'd be getting home from her trip here. There was no other mention of her trip on my part, nor on hers.

 

She was still being affectionate, but at a much lower level than compared to a few days ago. I'm going to do my best to just not bring anything up about the trip, I think that'd be my best bet?

[stace79]

I'm 20, she's 19.

 

I do know that she has emotional issues because she's shared them with me before, so I'm doing my best to take it into account, but I also can't help but to also consider the fact that she's distanced herself before in the past from me, in almost the exact same fashion.

 

We're not dating, that's what things were headed towards though. Maybe I'm just looking too far into this. I don't have much that I can keep my mind occupied with lately, but as corny as it sounds, she has been having to wake up super early each day the past week or so, and it became some sort of routine to call me and also wake me up to get my day started. Today was the first day that she didn't do that, and oddly enough it's throwing things off for me, and she's in a completely distant mood when she talks to me.

 

She does have some family issues and has shared a few things with me lately that could contribute to it, but I couldn't ever imagine someone buying me a ticket to visit them and not having that as my constant state of mind.

 

I think in the future you should offer to "share" the cost of the ticket, or have her pay for it herself, and then maybe you pay to go visit her. I'm afraid at that age if you are buying a ticket for her, she may take advantage.

 

Also, if I were in your shoes, I would just write her off. Trust me, when you are about ten years older, you will look back at all these girls and think "Why did I waste so much time letting them jerk me around?"

 

When you meet a person worth spending time with, he/she will make you feel GOOD most of the time; not sad or worried or anxious.

[phineas]

I wouldn't be surprised if she disapears after she gets there to "visit a friend".

 

I'm wondering if the OP thinks he's going to get sex & that's why he bought her a ticket?

 

maybe she hinted at it before he bought the ticket?

[jb89]

I wouldn't be surprised if she disapears after she gets there to "visit a friend".

 

I'm wondering if the OP thinks he's going to get sex & that's why he bought her a ticket?

 

maybe she hinted at it before he bought the ticket?

Hahaha

 

Not at all. We've been 'talking' off and on for so long, I bought it because I was impatient; she wouldn't have been able to have the money until a couple weeks later, so I offered.

[RedRussian]

if you will not get Sex from this woman, will you try to get at least half of the money back from her for the ticket?