george54 Posted June 9, 2010 Posted June 9, 2010 When i first split up with my girlfriend, just over a month ago, everything seemed fine. I've always considered myself to be a pretty robust - cold even - person and in all honesty, i took refuge in the knowledge that i could have her back whenever i wanted. We'd been together for over a year and although the relationship was fiery to say the least, i loved her unconditionally. She was without a doubt the most beautiful girl i have ever met. Not only incredibly pretty by anybody's standards but so perfect for me - the perfect body, perfect smile, perfect height, perfect hair, perfect clothes, the fact she read New Scientist, the fact she was a semi-professional contemporary dancer, the fact she had straight A's in all her exams. I would walk into a party or a bar and immediately all heads would turn towards her... i was incredibly proud to call her my own. There was such an intense sexual attraction between us that we could barely be in the same room for a matter of minutes before tearing each others clothes off. 95% of the time we spent together was in the bedroom. We were so similar it was almost funny - we even looked the same. She was a little bit of a nutjob, totally obssesed with me - but to be honest i enjoyed the drama sometimes and i don't think i could stand a relationship without a bit of arguing every now and then. She would alienate all her friends, family, work etc, all for me. We were so incredibly close. The problems arose with her promiscuity - by the age of 15 she had slept with 7 guys - most over the age of 18 - and had cheated relentlessly throughout her chaotic love life since the age of about 12. I, on the other hand, was a virgin until i slept with her (yes, she had a boyfriend at the time, and it was scary how easily it was for her to cheat). I guess i almost saw her as a challenge initially, somebody to tame, but over time and as my feelings developed my own insecurity grew to dominate my attitude towards her. I had no trust, no feelings of loyalty. i watched how she treated her ex-bf's like dirt, stunned by her heartlessness, and promised that i would never let myself be treated like that. Eventually i cheated on her. It was my insurance policy - i was so terrified of being cheated on that i had to have a back-up plan, an ace card, to protect myself if the worst case scenario were to arise. Horrific as it was (i could barely get hard i was so upset), I never told her, but buried the lie deep within myself. Over time things got better - she began to tell me that i was special, that she truly loved me and had never had feelings like this before for anybody. It helped to improve my confidence. I showed little affection and always had her chasing me. In retrospect it was probably this mean attitude that set me apart from the other boys that used to prance around her, but nevertheless, my lack of affection took it's toll. She didn't trust me - unsurprising really considering her own past - but it showed. She would check my phone when i was asleep, stalk my facebook religiously and would kick up a huge ****ty whenever i had to prioritize my bar job/schoolwork etc. She managed to convince herself that i was a terrible boyfriend - when all i really did was ignore her calls every so often when i was working and refuse to put up with some of the **** she tried putting me through. About 10 months into our relationship she was on anti-depressants. Going into medicine myself, i must admit i was confused as to what sort of doctor prescribes heavy anti-depressants to a hormonal 16 year old girl because shes having boy troubles and i did always wonder if they were placebos. But nevertheless, things were far from perfect. The breakup lasted about 2/3 weeks, and to summarize; technically, i ended it with her. i called her and said it was over, i was the one who dropped her stuff round. but she catalyzed the breakup-she hurt me for the last time and i had to stick to my principles, stay true to my word or end up like one of the boys who she walked all over. i didn't really have much choice and i didnt want to do it, i just had to. i found out that she had slept with a boy a week after we broke up. i told her about my cheating. she had a boyfriend the next week. long and short of it is, whilst i spiraled into depression, she seemed fine. she told all my friends how fantastic she was doing. I cant eat, i cant sleep, i cant revise, i cant go out with my friends. shes ignored me - totally cut me out her life - solidly for the last month and its killing me. im scared that i will never find another girl like her - im scared i will never talk to her again and that im out her life forever. truth is, although its hard, i do accept our relationship is over. i accept it wasnt working. i do accept shes got a new boyfriend (although it hurts like hell - especially considering how quickly she moved on) - to be honest with a girl like her, it was inevitable. I just cant accept that this is it for me and her. i love her so much and to think thats shes totally over me is...well...depressing. the problem is that i just dont understand-how can she move on so quickly? how can she touch another boy without missing me? is she using him to get over me? is she using him to get at me? is she just totally in love with him and forgotten about me? i know people say the only way to get over each other is to totally cut off all contact - but its been a month now and things have only gone from bad to worse. i need to know how she feels, what she wants. i need to speak with her and tell her that i love her and miss her and cant be without her. if she could tell me to my face that she hates me and never wants to see me again - at least that would offer some closure. at least all these thoughts of us getting back together again would subside and i could begin the recovery process. but right now all i can think is that shes still totally in love with me (how can she not be?!) and this new bf is a massive mistake. i have these hopes in the back of my head - dreams of me whisking her away to paris on a romantic weekend, of secretly meeting up every so often for a walk or a drink or a coffee or something. i feel sick at the thought of never seeing her again but i sent my last groveling text a long time ago and i dont think theres much else i can do. she actually got the mall security to throw me out the shop where she works when i went down and demanded that she at least spoke to me for 5 minutes. long and short of it is; i'm ****ed. thanks for listening xx
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