SassyC Posted June 9, 2010 Posted June 9, 2010 My husband and I are going through a lot right now. I have made a call to the MC and we are waiting to hear when we can get an appointment. I kind of feel like I need some space. I feel like he is smothering me. I am not mad or angry, just very confused about myself. I feel like I lost myself in this marriage and I do not even know who I am. So, how did you know that separating was right for you?
phineas Posted June 9, 2010 Posted June 9, 2010 seperation is just to get rid of the tension of living with someone while you wait for the divorce to finalize. every MC worth their schooling will tell you that you can't work on your marriage if your not living like your married. You need to stop being confused & figure out why your feeling this way & the MC should help you do that. But once you move out I personally think the marriage is over. It was for me & most of the other people posting on this forum.
What_Next Posted June 9, 2010 Posted June 9, 2010 I have to agree with Phineas on this one. If you move out, in my opinion it's done. Some marriages might survive, most won't. Now taking a little "me" time is not a bad thing. However, I'd not make that decision on your own or before you go to MC. Go to MC (my wife and I are actually going to our first session this coming Monday) and talk this over with your husband. Tell him honestly and openly how you feel. Maybe the anxiety you are feeling is worsened by the fact that you have not broached the subject with him. Good luck.
You Go Girl Posted June 9, 2010 Posted June 9, 2010 Tell us more about this confusion about yourself. Who do you think you could become if you were to leave the marriage? It is this belief, that you will find a better life, that is destroying your marriage (along with of course whatever issues exist). You are looking to the horizon--the future--and imagining life without him. So what do you think you could find without him, that you think you can't find with him? Answer this as honestly as you can on this forum. You may not be able to be that honest in therapy with him sitting in the room. You have nothing to lose posting here, remember you will never meet any of these people who answer. The success or failure of your marriage depends upon the answer to that question, and what you can learn by answering it.
Author SassyC Posted June 9, 2010 Author Posted June 9, 2010 Tell us more about this confusion about yourself. Who do you think you could become if you were to leave the marriage? It is this belief, that you will find a better life, that is destroying your marriage (along with of course whatever issues exist). You are looking to the horizon--the future--and imagining life without him. So what do you think you could find without him, that you think you can't find with him? Answer this as honestly as you can on this forum. You may not be able to be that honest in therapy with him sitting in the room. You have nothing to lose posting here, remember you will never meet any of these people who answer. The success or failure of your marriage depends upon the answer to that question, and what you can learn by answering it. I met him when I was sixteen. He still brings up things that happened when I was 18 or 19 years old and not in a relationship with him. I feel like he still looks at me like a child. I am now 32. I am a stay at home mom who is completely dependent on him. I was only allowed to go back to school when he gave me permission. Even now that I am in school he only lets me take a few credits. So, I guess I feel controlled. Not that I have a partner, more someone who views me as another child, another dependant and can tell me what to do. I want to live my life. Make my own decisions. We have kids so he would always be in my life. I have to ask permission to go out with friends. He does not seem to understand why I may need time alone sometimes. All of these things weigh heavily on me because I believe I am bending to his will. Without him I would struggle. I would have to figure out how to finish school and then get a job. I woud have to two kids to help support but I feel like I could do it on my terms.
You Go Girl Posted June 9, 2010 Posted June 9, 2010 Have you ever told him that this marriage needs to feel more like a partnership instead of a dependent child? What did he say if you did? If you haven't, try telling him that again tonight, and report back to us, if you think you could have a good conversation with him that wouldn't turn into a fight. There is an inequality based on income. You are a dependent, financially. How does he view this inequality as related to power and decision making? I would ask him if he believes that he should control more of the decision making processes, and listen carefully to his answer. If he does believe that he has earned more control in the relationship becuase of the financial situation, then you're only option is to get out there and earn your own income to balance this, assuming he won't change his beliefs. A marriage counselor could help you to balance this power, if he's willing to give some up. If he thinks he is entitled, the marriage counselor would call him out on that, and point out how that isn't fair if you are doing your share by raising children, etc. He may not know how you feel. Or, he may have an ego issue that makes him want to control you. Or he could be old-fashioned in his beliefs, and needs to adjust them to the current century. Or, he may think you irresponsible, is there any chance of that, and does it hold water?
Author SassyC Posted June 9, 2010 Author Posted June 9, 2010 He has told me that he is lonely when I am not around. Being that I am attached to two kids almost every day I rarely get any time alone. So, when I ask him for it, he feels like I am choosing being alone over being with him. I should add that I may get and hour or two to myself once during the week. He seems very willing to work on the marriage. Right now he is also very open. I will broach the subject with him tonight.
cavedweller Posted June 28, 2010 Posted June 28, 2010 I think you should get a part-time job...That would get you out of house and give you a little 'space'.
2ndthymearound Posted June 28, 2010 Posted June 28, 2010 My husband and I are separated because we didn't want to fit in front of our son. I have to disagree about separation though. I don't think that your marriage is over if you separate. I think that it gives you both some breathing room. I can tell you that I was hovering over my husband for months before we separated. I knew that something was wrong but he's never been able to communicate. I think that our marriage is very salvagable.
habs53 Posted June 28, 2010 Posted June 28, 2010 I would take some of You gos advise. She is pretty caring and smart about this stuff.
Recommended Posts