counterman Posted June 9, 2010 Posted June 9, 2010 Well, I've been wondering what's the difference between standards and preferences? I was describing to my friend what girls I preferred to date (not just aesthetics) and he proceeded to say that I have "low standards". So, I asked him to describe what he likes and I got the picture. Blonde, regulation "hotties". He's never dated, has never asked a girl out, but, knowing him for as long as I have, his mindset doesn't seem to budge. He says the reason he doesn't try is that these girls are the ones that many guys go after. So, does lowering this standard mean that you'll never truly be satisfied? One of girl friends confirmed that his standards were "high", thus mine are "lower". She even went on to put certain races ahead of others in terms of dating. In reference to that, despite those girls being attractive, I am generally not attracted to them. The feeling I get when thinking of dating a girl I'm not attracted to is not something I really want to go through actually. I have a preference for someone who likes sports or plays tennis, things like that are what I think are preferences. But, when I think of high standards, I think of someone with a clipboard and marker ticking off a checklist of things a potential mate should have.It has gotten to the point that I heard the phrase "I have to perfect for her not to refuse me" - perfect as in the way I dress, the way I speak, the job I have, etc. Plus, reading some of these reads on height, weight, muscles, etc., got me thinking maybe we all have "standards", even if we don't care to admit them. Maybe they are ingrained in our minds as we grew up. My close girl friend, when we spoke about this, said she doesn't have standards. And, almost straight afterwards, as if something sounded wrong, she took it back.
somedude81 Posted June 9, 2010 Posted June 9, 2010 Preference is what one prefers. Standards are the minimum that one will accept.
ADF Posted June 9, 2010 Posted June 9, 2010 The word "standard" denotes something more important thus less flexible than a mere "preference." People are more averse to lowering their standards than adjusting their preferences. I actually dislike the word "preference," or at least dislike the way it is often used. "Preference" is often a code word for what is really an unreasonable standard. So, for example, the fact Mr. Jones would never date a black woman in a million years doesn't mean he's a racist--no sir! He just has a "preference" for not dating black woman. "Standards" can be debated and questioned because they are thought to arise from some process of reasoning. But when someone delcares something a "preference," they basically say no one has any right to question it in any way. Yet, as I said, what people call "preferences" are often really standards that they are uncomfortable having to defend.
make me believe Posted June 9, 2010 Posted June 9, 2010 Your friends sound very short-sighted. What is the point in having "high" standards like your male friend does if those standards basically make it impossible to get a date? Just because your standards or preferances are different than the stereotypical blonde "hot" girl doesn't mean they are LOWER than anyone else's. That's ridiculous & offensive. Your female friend sounds racist if she is serious about ranking people as more dateable or less dateable based on their race. Wow. I think standards are pretty basic and they are similar for most people. These would be things like a partner who has a job or other income, non-abusive, etc. Things that you won't settle for less than. MOST people are realistic enough to not claim to have a STANDARD of a "perfect 10".
Stockalone Posted June 9, 2010 Posted June 9, 2010 Well, I've been wondering what's the difference between standards and preferences? Standard = a gf must have "x" Preference = would really like a gf to have "x" So, does lowering this standard mean that you'll never truly be satisfied? I don't think you can lower your standards and be truly satisfied. Plus, reading some of these reads on height, weight, muscles, etc., got me thinking maybe we all have "standards", even if we don't care to admit them. Maybe they are ingrained in our minds as we grew up. I have standards and I am okay with having them. I don't think there is one person on this planet who has no standards at all. We are all picky and don't want to date certain people, and I don't think there is anything wrong with that. Some people are just pickier than others. That said, I also think that the disctinciton between a preference and a standard can be difficult. Where does a strong preference end and a standard begin? "Standards" can be debated and questioned because they are thought to arise from some process of reasoning. I have standards that I never consciously chose to have. Breast size is one of them. I have never been attracted to women with very small breasts (e.g. Keira Knightley or Kate Hudson). It doesn't matter if those women have pretty faces or great personalities, I am just not sexually attracted to them at all if they have very small breasts. But when someone delcares something a "preference," they basically say no one has any right to question it in any way. Yet, as I said, what people call "preferences" are often really standards that they are uncomfortable having to defend. You can question those standards all you like, but I don't understand why you'd want to do that. Do you believe that there are right and wrong preferences/standards?
flc Posted June 9, 2010 Posted June 9, 2010 I prefer curvy brunettes, my standard is no smoking. I will not date a curvy brunette if she smokes. Get it
ADF Posted June 10, 2010 Posted June 10, 2010 You can question those standards all you like, but I don't understand why you'd want to do that. Do you believe that there are right and wrong preferences/standards? I definately believe there are wrong standards. Now when I say "wrong," I am speaking from a position of committed relativism. I understand not everyone may agree, but that doesn't make me change my standards. So, for example, a very traditional Catholic might argue that a brain-dead patient should never be removed from life support. According to traditional Catholic doctine, our lives belong to God, not to us. We have no right to dispose of what is, in effect, God's property. Well, I disagree with that standard. I think keeping a brain-dead person alive against his or her will is cruel. I understand that decent, well-meaning people can disagree with me, but I think there is a legitimate debate to be had about the issue. The word "preference," if used properly, denotes something so idiosyncratic and personal that no one else can really judge it. I may prefer potatoes, but will eat rice if none are available. But no one can really argue that potatoes are "better" than rice. The trouble is, people often use the word "preference" for what is really a standard. A poster on another thread said she would never consider dating, marrying or having a child with a black man. She called this a "preference." Not only did she "prefer" men with "caucasian features," but she wanted to make sure any kids she ever had were "attractive." Apparently, she thought mixed-race kids were ugly. Well, I'm sorry, but when you categorically exclude a whole group of people your dating pool based on their race and/or ethnicity, that is a standard, not a preference. It is a "white's only" standard, and it's been around for a while.
brainygirl Posted June 10, 2010 Posted June 10, 2010 I think mixed race kids are cute, but then I don't tend to look at any race and think "ugly". Just how I am. I think that a standard ought to be the bare minimum, getting started when it comes to who you will and will not date. I WILL NOT date a person who uses drugs, that's a standard. I prefer someone who is employed and happy with their life, thats a preference.
Eeyore79 Posted June 10, 2010 Posted June 10, 2010 I believe we have already had this discussion on another thread, but I don't see why it's wrong to say that you're not physically attracted to certain characteristics, whether that's hair colour, height, breast size, being fat/skinny, having dark/light skin, etc. I don't see why people need to criticise a like or dislike for a certain skin colour, but they don't criticise a like or dislike for a certain height/weight/hair colour, etc. It's equally discriminatory to say "I don't fancy guys with red hair", but nobody jumps on you for saying that, like they would if you said "I don't fancy guys with dark skin".
ADF Posted June 10, 2010 Posted June 10, 2010 It's equally discriminatory to say "I don't fancy guys with red hair", but nobody jumps on you for saying that, like they would if you said "I don't fancy guys with dark skin". It is not equally discriminatory. There is no widespread prejudice against men with red hair. However, there is widespread prejudice aginst men with black skin.
aerogurl87 Posted June 10, 2010 Posted June 10, 2010 I have a standard that a man must be able to hold a decent conversation with me. I prefer white guys. So my standard is like a prerequisite for a course in school, it's the minimum requirement to take the class (or in this case, to date me). The preference is the extras that would look really good if you signed up for the class to the professor but they're not mandatory. So for me it's like what I would like, but it's not a requirement for me to date someone.
Morals Posted June 10, 2010 Posted June 10, 2010 Standards are set on a per-person basis. Normally I don't even think about dating people who smoke. But there is this one girl who smokes very rarely, because we click well I'm willing to overlook it. At what point does a standard become a preference and vice versa?
mike1988 Posted June 10, 2010 Posted June 10, 2010 I have standards for dating...but I have preferences for relationships which may be why I've never had one. I just want a very pretty 20-something year old girl who clicks well. Problem is...everytime I go out, the woman usually ends up being older than she looks (most recent date last weekend was 31 years old) and she's "curvy" and I know if I took her around friends or family, they would all be like, "Are you serious, man...you can do better!!?" But the problem is, I can't do better. The women I desire the most are always: A. Married B. Have a boyfriend C. Show absolutely no interest in me Thus I settle for lowering my standards to get dates at all.
MyNameIsJane Posted June 10, 2010 Posted June 10, 2010 Standards are set on a per-person basis. Normally I don't even think about dating people who smoke. But there is this one girl who smokes very rarely, because we click well I'm willing to overlook it. At what point does a standard become a preference and vice versa? I think what you described is a preference. You prefer a women who doesn't smoke... but that doesn't mean someone who smokes doesn't have a chance. A standard is less flexible. A guy that I date must be drug free. Thats my standard. I prefer tall guys. That means that I will date a shorter guy if he is the right guy, but I wont date a guy (short or tall) if he is doing blow in the bathroom
VertexSquared Posted June 10, 2010 Posted June 10, 2010 I think standards are just a stricter form of preferences, and I think preferences are just a stricter form of whims. For instance, if I made this a constraint-set model of some kind: Standards: [No drugs] [Not alcoholic] [Honest] etc... Preferences: [Nice hair] [isn't a sloppy eater] [Likes their job] etc... Whims: [Wakes me up with something sexual from time to time] [shares my overpassionate love for chocolate ice cream] etc... For instance, we may demand at least 95% if not 100% of the "Standard" traits, 40-60% of the "Preference" traits, and maybe 5-15% of the "Whim" traits in order for us to be able to sustain a relationship where we wouldn't feel like we're settling for something "lesser." Anything missing from an upper category will usually require a heavier compensation in the traits from a lower category. People allocate traits in different ways and place different "minimum %" weights on each category. Just a "mathematical" way to think of it.
Feelin Frisky Posted June 10, 2010 Posted June 10, 2010 Preference is an expression of more superficial appeal. Standards is an expression of serious internals--actions, reasoning, pre-dispositions, how ambitious someone is, how loyal they are, how fare and well-tempered etc.
stace79 Posted June 10, 2010 Posted June 10, 2010 It is not equally discriminatory. There is no widespread prejudice against men with red hair. However, there is widespread prejudice aginst men with black skin. Why does it have to be prejudicial or racist if I, as a white woman, say I wouldn't date black men? I just don't find myself attracted to them. I have friends of all colors and shapes and education levels. But I don't find myself attracted to black guys, guys without a high school diploma or guys who are shorter than me. I don't hate all black men, which would be the true definition of racism.
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