Is this what he wanted?

[ladylivin]

i ended my 3+ year engagement to my (now ex) fiance last sunday the 30th and have been, as you can expect, on a bipolar whirlwind ever since. i have felt every emotion and thought of every rationalization under the sun and i still haven't reached a comfortable conclusion. fortunately i haven't acted on any of these emotions or thoughts because i am still unstable. since i was the one who pulled the trigger, so to speak, i began the grieving process the following day and was truly accepting that this is the way it happened, this is the way it had to be. i had developed a case of anxiety toward the end of our relationship and when i quit smoking i lost all of my impulse control and that had me sign up for therapy, of which i went to ten weekly sessions with him being the focal point, whether he was the antagonist or victim that particular week.

 

i realized that as soon as i broke up with him, my anxiety suddenly seemed to have dissipated and the most consistent emotion i felt was confidence. my grieving episodes were getting briefer and briefer as the week went on and i had even sat through my entire last therapy session without shedding a single tear because i focused exclusively on what "symbols" i felt he had violated that proved to be deal-breakers for me. see, he and i had argued the entire duration of our relationship but it was usually never over anything substantial; it was merely the result of poor sleep, long work days or miscommunication. the frequency of arguments was never discouraging for me because not only was that the way i/we were raised but i figured it was part of our temperaments to butt horns and insist on winning the battle over the war. now that i have perspective, i realize how reckless that behavior was, whether it was intentional or not.

 

i mean, going into therapy by myself was the first and major indicator of what damage control i was trying to implement. although my behavior was impulsive and abusive, i was always conscious of what damage i could be inflicting and i apologized to chris as soon as i came to my senses. he had me believe he'd accepted each of my apologies and understood that i was human, prone to mistakes, and that he couldn't kick someone while they were already down. now, we had fallen deep into the habit of him practically living over here with my dad because, ultimately, it was convenient for me. however, my ex was never able to pull his weight financially, whether willfully or not. i didn't hold this against him for the longest time and didn't think twice when i went grocery shopping that included items exclusively for him. however, the resentment built up; while i was assertive in most areas, i was certainly passive-aggressive when it came to finances. since the beginning, whenever a meal would be taken care of for him, i'd always given him grief about it or made a snide remark, but that wasn't addressing the issue, that was being passive-aggressive.

 

i'd recently come to the realization that the major contributor to our blow-ups and lashing outs was built up resentment that was never directly addressed and dealt with. i may have nagged his ass off 'til kingdom come but that never brought us to a resolve. i didn't want financial insecurity to be the deciding factor of whether i stayed with him or not; i didn't want to have to have him choose between pulling his weight or leaving me in the dust. obviously, i wanted to keep him in my life and have the patience for him to come around and at the very least acknowledge the principle of owing someone and being indebted to them. even placing a $5 bill on the desk to whom it's owed shows initiative, which in turn minimizes the level of resentment. it's not the fact that he couldn't afford a $500 rent right now; it's the lack of initiative that burns. although he had been through four or five companies since only being in the air-conditioning field for three years, he was still working and bringing home paychecks the whole time. the number of companies he'd been through is another story altogether.

 

anyway, what happened was i finally tired of having money be behind any underlying resentment i had for chris and in an effort to actually make things BETTER for the two of us, i had him go live back home for good again until we were ultimately ready and stable enough to move out on our own. my dad had been footing the bill the entire time! the difference was that i'm my father's daughter and he did not elect to adopt my ex. it didn't matter whether i had a million dollars of my own in the bank; the principle of the matter is that that financial security on his part was absent and that was discouraging for any potential future we had together, never mind the fact that i wasn't guaranteed at least one meal out a week. but, like i said, i begrudgingly allowed this to go on because i felt he was meeting my needs emotionally and i didn't want to forfeit that. the problem was that i was still bitter and it showed.

 

now, we had done this song and dance a few times before: getting fed up with each other's bull**** and either i sending him home or he packing his stuff. the thing is, we had different perspectives of those particular episodes and what symbols they violated. my motive was always to simply send him to the doghouse; to punish him, per se. but i think he took these incidents as symbols of abandonment, betrayal and abuse. i never meant for damage to be inflicted by these incidents; i never even really wanted him to go through with leaving. it just took me a while, maybe too late, to swallow my pride and stop the "punishment" before it punished me. i wish i had the cognitive know-how before to not play mind games and EXPECT him to realize i didn't mean it, to have been able to rephrase what i said and have simply asked for a time out, because that's honestly what i always wanted to begin with. i never wanted to go to bed angry and i could envision us making up and watching a film together later even IN the midst of the fight. i don't know, maybe he and i fed off of this recklessness.

 

well, this time around the **** hit the fan and a major detachment developed almost immediately on his part. he all of a sudden had "issues to work on" that i apparently wouldn't be able to help with, let alone be informed of. that "break" week he managed to violate all of my symbols, for instance, i had to beg and plead on my knees for him to stay over the duration my dad was out of state because that's the way it'd always been before; whenever the opportunity to stay presented itself, he took it and ran with it. but the fact that he wouldn't even lay his head down here even if he had to work during his waking hours, it spoke volumes to me about where he was in the relationship. i felt rejected and foolish for even having to ask him. perhaps it may have been pushy because i'd just recently "kicked him out" but that was only a technical issue as far as i was concerned.

 

but he should have realized the reason i was so obsessive, needy and forceful was because i was desperate and in a crisis; i knew something was way off and we had finally, finally hit critical mass. another symbol he violated was no longer fighting for me/it. whatever mental issue was causing his strange behavior, i felt i was entitled to know about and work around. i sighed, raised my flag of surrender and finally pulled the trigger and said go home.

 

prior to meeting and being with chris my patience threshold was substantially higher, as was my self-esteem and energy level. perhaps that's what comes with the territory of living life and leaving naivety behind but being betrayed by my best friend last year thwarted my perspective on friendship and what needs i realized needed to be met by said friends, else i had no emotional room for them. i didn't schedule another appointment with the therapist because i felt the relationship/engagement was the focal point of the therapy, anyway, and since i'd seemingly removed myself from that "environment" i didn't have any more questions. yet, anyway. i'd shed tears a few times in the beginning sessions but toward the end, i was able to build "levees," per se, and shake it off whenever i felt like crying. that there indicated to me that i was getting stronger, less overwhelmed and desperate about the situation (it and life in general) that i could shake it off and pay attention to the things that were wrong about him/the relationship and not dwell unnecessarily on what was good because that would be pointless if my intention would be to find greener pastures.

 

however, my confidence could have always been the result of the proactive damage control i was trying to implement. attending therapy and studying cognitive behavioral therapy methods, i was reacting to the urgency of the situation. i knew a major overhaul was in order because i had snapped back into reality. i may well have been in denial the majority of the time i "misbehaved" because i was under the illusion, subconsciously, that i could get away with it, so to speak. not that i wanted to consciously take advantage of him or consciously inflict damage, but it wasn't until his detachment that i went into fight-or-flight mode. i intuitively knew that the strings were getting thinner and things needed to change immediately or we'd hit rock bottom.

 

while i was willing and wanting to impress him again (as new lovers do in the beginning), his reluctance triggered desperation in me and i panicked; my efforts were counterproductive. i mean, did i not deserve to panic the way i did if the reality WAS he was detaching, if even only temporarily? my mantra had always been "we're in this together;" i even had it engraved on the swiss army knife i gave him this year's valentines. it was a giant red flag to me that he wasn't comfortable enough to confide in me whatever issue he was apparently dealing with, whether it was ME or not, although now i suspect it probably had to do with me. when i relate this story to my grandparents, they say he was trying to punish me for sending him back home, even though that's where he rightfully belonged and should have stayed from the onset. even still, did that warrant breaking my heart over?

 

he really had detached from me overnight, or at least that's how it seemed. i definitely feel that he lost trust for me because he kept insisting i needed to get medicated and that things would never change. i was offended by this because of the very fact that i was ACTIVELY trying to change and better myself, individually, with the hopes he'd pick up on it and have the urge to better HIMSELF on his own accord, of course. i was very excited to have a "relationship workshop" with him, that is, if he was willing to get on board. i am not discouraged by bumps in the road, rough patches and times of trouble; i am actually motivated and driven to fix, hone and better. i felt betrayed by chris and that this was unfair since it was as if i was a dog that peed on the carpet but my nose wasn't rubbed in it until a week later. i resented resentment, so to speak. while my patience may have worn thin over the years, i never lost the virtue of forgiveness. i don't hold mistakes against anybody but that doesn't seem to have been the case for him. i even asked what penance i could do the night we broke up but he just. wasn't. there.

 

i know he needed space and now he definitely has it but i wonder if he feels it was worth losing me over? although, i do acknowledge the significance of putting a particular relationship to rest. the strategies we used obviously were not effective and beneficial. if he wasn't able to meet those needs of mine again, the reassurance and the respect, we would break up again for the same reasons. whether i took off a certain color glasses recently or not, all of the symbols of love he violated virtually overnight. a week prior, i was still able to go to bat for him and defend his position in my life. but when he detached, he no longer comprehended the concept of being the only constant in my life. he told me i still had my family. so, yeah, he didn't get it and that hurt. i asked him what about my goals in life, which obviously had everything to do with him because i had agreed to spend the rest of my life with him. he basically undermined me and went, "what goals?" because he couldn't comprehend the fact that THAT'S what a goal is: something i want to happen but hasn't yet. he was basically insinuating that because i wasn't working, i didn't have ambition. that was another strike to my ego, which made it that much easier to break up with him that night because my defense mechanisms flared up.

 

essentially, i broke up with him as a defense mechanism. he didn't explicitly express that he wanted or planned for this to happen but he certainly allowed it to go to fruition. evidently his defense mechanisms were flaring, as well, because his usual caretaker side didn't enact that night; my tears did not phase him. this is precisely the same way it went down when i let my supposed best friend out of my life, when my tears were no longer effective, when i no longer felt needed or desired. if this happens, i'll immediately retreat or leave the situation to protect my ego. i will expose full vulnerability but i will not beg or force myself into seemingly unwelcome territory; i will not allow my vulnerability to be taken advantage of, and rightfully so.

 

NOW. while i may have come to terms with all of this, why do i still want us to work out our issues? i know and he knows that i'm on board (or was) so do you think he acknowledges the fact that the ball is in his court and he would be the one to initiate contact if we were to have another chance together? i already stated my case and said my piece, fought the good fight and made myself vulnerable. there's really nothing left for me to do, right? if i still desire his heart, despite the circumstances, is the only option leaving the ball in his court? because that's where it definitely is right now. i hope he realizes that WHAT he's doing right now is what had me break up with him, thus, if he actually wanted me back, he'd COME OUT of his cave, right? when he's ready, of course. it wasn't time off that i was scared of; it was real detachment i feared and that felt so unfair and unwarranted, especially considering how proactive i was trying to be. he KNOWS i wanted a future and hopefully still does... is this to my advantage? i don't want to be the one to initiate contact because i don't know when he's ready to come out and play. if he's not interested in working on us the way i am, there's no point, obviously. but i can't ascertain that at this point because i don't know whether he simply needs space or not. that's why the no contact has made sense in these circumstances because not only is HE getting what he wanted, anyway, I'M able to "wait" for him without any expectations, which makes it easier.

 

i basically want to meet him the first time again. i love him and i love his heart and i love who he is as a person. i want him to want me the way he did for over 3 years again. if i'm going crazy and grieving this hard, he HAS to be a hot mess, he just has to be. i should probably mention what he expressed in his last voice mail to me which came promptly after he'd left my house that night. i didn't answer because i wasn't going to discuss this over the phone. if he would have stayed or driven back, i probably would have been willing to discuss further; it was the principle that he wasn't "fighting for me" that made me ignore the phone call attempt. he was sobbing and said something to the effect of: "well, that's the best you're gonna get from me. you were my world; you were everything i ever wanted. but everything i did seemed to have hurt you and it hurt me even more that i did it to you. i had issues i had to work out on my own and you wouldn't let me. in a way, i can respect that because all you wanted to do was help. but. i just want you to be happy."

 

i can't help but see that as a cop out. can you guys please help shed some light on this situation? there's too much history and emotional investment at stake here. is he emotionally gone for good or will this pass?

[DenverBachelor]

Is the shift key on your keyboard broken?

[ladylivin]

Why do you have to be a smart ass when the point of this forum is to console others?

[DenverBachelor]

Why do you have to be a smart ass when the point of this forum is to console others?

 

I'm just genuinely curious here.

 

But if you want an answer to your book, I think you're focusing too much on the situation and too little on yourself. You need a fresh start.

[westrock]

now, we had done this song and dance a few times before: getting fed up with each other's bull**** and either i sending him home or he packing his stuff. the thing is, we had different perspectives of those particular episodes and what symbols they violated. my motive was always to simply send him to the doghouse; to punish him, per se. but i think he took these incidents as symbols of abandonment, betrayal and abuse. i never meant for damage to be inflicted by these incidents; i never even really wanted him to go through with leaving. it just took me a while, maybe too late, to swallow my pride and stop the "punishment" before it punished me. i wish i had the cognitive know-how before to not play mind games and EXPECT him to realize i didn't mean it, to have been able to rephrase what i said and have simply asked for a time out, because that's honestly what i always wanted to begin with. i never wanted to go to bed angry and i could envision us making up and watching a film together later even IN the midst of the fight. i don't know, maybe he and i fed off of this recklessness.

 

It sounds like you live for the drama and it simply wore him down to the point that he just gave up. Sending your partner to the doghouse to punish him is not a healthy relationship. Most guys would have tired of of the drama and just given up like he did.

 

i may well have been in denial the majority of the time i "misbehaved" because i was under the illusion, subconsciously, that i could get away with it, so to speak. not that i wanted to consciously take advantage of him or consciously inflict damage, but it wasn't until his detachment that i went into fight-or-flight mode. i intuitively knew that the strings were getting thinner and things needed to change immediately or we'd hit rock bottom.

 

This is being passive agressive. You're doing this because you fear abandonment and you engaged in a passive aggressive push-pull type of behavior until eventually you pushed too far. Then at that point, your abandonment fears kicked in and you realize what you've done and then panicked.

 

NOW. while i may have come to terms with all of this, why do i still want us to work out our issues?

 

Because you miss the drama that the two of you had.

 

How have you changed your life?

[ladylivin]

How have you changed your life?

 

In a week? Not much, other than I've never realized the impact he had on me to this particular extent before. I was changing my life before it happened, though; I didn't want him to "break my stride," per se, even though it included his participation. I am so disillusioned right now. I was confident in my decision last week but then as soon as I realized I still had a fight in me, I've been struggling ever since. In essence, I'm relapsing; I just want to hold him again and never let go.

[Coldhearted22]

I dated a girl for almost a year. I was still in college and she was a nurse, so obviously she made a lot more money than i did. She always complained for me to get my own place. I worked so hard but then we were together when i got a DUI. 5 grand later she couldnt realize that i couldnt get my own place now. I still am living with my parents, ironically though im under a grand of being totally owing nobody nothing, no student loans, no nothing. So i will be getting my own place shortly, but she went to vegas and had a bunch of pictures and text messages from a dude she had met there, on the CAMERA I BOUGHT HER FOR VALENTINES DAY 3 WEEKS EARLIER!!!!!! I cant tell you how heartbroken i was. A

 

My point is hearing from your significant other about how you dont have enough money is so hurtful. It killed me to not be able to get my own place. I often wonder if i had would she had cheated, and been ok with leaving me? Its amazing how many shallow girls there are out there today, only caring about materials and not truly loving and seeing sacrifices someone makes other than money. I spent all of my spare time with her, and we went on one date weekly that i paid for. I could cry for days thiking about how much money i spent on her. She would then bitch that she didnt have any money to spend because of student loans, rent, etc. Then i would show up to her apt the next day and she would show off 300 dollars of shopping.

 

Chris has given up because you dont love me, hes not good enough for you obviously. I dont knwo what hes done but the question is what have you done, just because you pay for stuff, that isnt what its about. Suprises, little notes, thoughtful words out of the blue. snuggling up and kisses, random acts of love to your significant other is what really feels good and keeps things going, not covering a grocery bill or letting them stay at your dads.

 

I have given up on my girl too, because unfortunately chris and i both will someday have our own place, job, money, etc. and i pray we both find someone who is ok with what happens to us daily, because were in it togheter, not someone who is going to complain about us, but who looks and loves the things about us that make them happy, and vice versa. If you want him back you gotta tell him how you feel, but help him with the money set a budget work together. My girl was just a huge bitch that doesnt give a whoot about me anyomre, The last time we hungout she was texting her vegas boy how much she missed him. She told me itd be a lot easier to get over me if i was an ******* about it.....I cant be an *******, because i truly loved her, i woulda died for her, falling asleep and waking up to her was the best feeling ive ever had, because i was forever in love with her, till i found everyhitng. Now im cold,bitter, and just wanna get out of this town, but...i have debts and obligations right now.

[ladylivin]

Coldhearted22, I appreciate your response but you clearly did not comprehend the original post, otherwise you'd realize what and whom you're describing was not the situation. Thank you, anyway.

[AlwaysConflicted]

From a man's perspective it sounds like he's exhausted. I would recommend that you take a serious break from each other to pause and reflect on life. No contact at all.

 

That's such a vague yet practical answer.

 

Put aside all the therapy and analysis for 1 second. Do you love this guy? Does he love you? If your relationship feels great and you both love each other equally then get married.

 

We're all just kids running around in the darkness with a small flashlight.

Edited June 9, 2010 by AlwaysConflicted

[ladylivin]

We have this mutual friend that's twice our age that is more of a mentor to us than anything when it comes to that dynamic and since he's consoled each of us individually in the past in an unbiased manner, would it be wise to consult with him sometime soon, say, tomorrow? I trust his intentions would be for the best of us and if any bias at all, to hope that we reunite.

[AlwaysConflicted]

Did your ex agree to this consultation? If he's being forced to attend it might add to his resentment of you. Then again, I wonder if the mentor's sage advice could spark an epiphany for your ex.

 

It's worth a shot. Anything good requires a risk.

[ladylivin]

Did your ex agree to this consultation?

 

Oh, no, it would strictly be between the friend and I, just as I'm sure Chris has recently consulted him individually. Chris and I aren't ready to communicate just yet because of what has just transpired.

[AlwaysConflicted]

Then yes, I would talk to your friend. My advice will be different from others who post on this forum because I'm a fixer. I believe anything can be fixed. If you both have feelings for each other, it can be salvaged.

 

Here's a plan for how you can fix this situation.

 

1.) Send Chris a hand written note expressing that you love him very much and want to be with him. Write something about how the 2 of you need a little space apart to get some perspective on the entire situation. The purpose of this is to be sweet and affectionate.

 

2.) Go about 1 month with NO contact. No contact at all. It'll be extremely difficult, but you have to do it in order for this to work. If he tries to contact you, don't ignore him. Just reiterate that you both need some space.

 

3.) After the month is up, call him, but don't leave a message if it goes to voicemail. Try to arrange a short get together. If you're both still in love, sparks should fly.

 

The reason you need that month of time is for Chris to see the mistakes he's made as well as for you to recognize your own. Now if 1 month from no contact goes by and Chris still says and acts the same way then you need to find a new man.

 

As a guy, I need about 3 weeks to a month to see what I've done wrong. I have to be on my own to work it out. If the girl is lingering nearby it just confuses me.

 

Life is messy so get your hands dirty. Build a sand castle and live in it. I love these silly quotes I come up with. Trust your instincts, you seem smart. Just don't give up...there are too many quitters out there. My parents have been together for over 40 years through ups and downs. My parents advice to me was "Your love will only get stronger through the rough times and feel better through the good"

[Coldhearted22]

Talk to your mutual friend, A good friend whos been through a lot once told me those who are outside of the relationship see things much clearer because they arent the two in the situation. Its just like when friends give you advice about someone, they are most of the time right because they have no emotion, and only are trying to help, they dont have a skewed vision and feelings because they are looking from the outside in.

[Coldhearted22]

sorry about earlier...you guys are so much more than what i had.....it just sucks money has to control all of our lives.....how silly is it that in the end money, power, and status is what controls and drives everyone in this world. myself included.