This Hurts Posted June 8, 2010 Posted June 8, 2010 My breakup was just a little over two months ago. I'm not going to jump out and say I'm over her, because I know I'm not, but I would say 98% of my lovey feelings for her have faded. I honestly think this is because of all the sh*t she's done to me (trust me, she's done A LOT); I think I just got "done" with everything. Though I'm sure I can reach a fully functional level someday (having no contact whatsoever, being okay with it, basically living as if she died), I have a feeling that I won't be able to get completely over her because I don't know how to let go (I guess "forgiving" her would be more accurate) of everything she made me go through. I have an endless supply of anger and resentment towards her, and I'm afraid this is going to carry out for a long time. I want to be able to think about what she's done, and not be moved. I want to be able to think about her and say, "I really hope she's happy right now with whoever she's with." (though that feeling seems impossible to me right now). At this point, what I feel the most towards her is anger and resentment for everything she did. I basically just want to be perfectly okay with the past, but I don't know how to do that. Advice?
teanoranges Posted June 8, 2010 Posted June 8, 2010 For me, I learned how to accept the angry feelings (and sad and whatever) as they come. Of course I will feel them, so might as well allow myself to instead of filling my head with 'should' (I 'should' feel this way) This has helped me step back from the situation and I'm never really sad/angry for very long or much anymore... its like getting pinched and then it fades. Sure, when I hear of him or something in my memory pops up.. I get a little upset... but it lasts 5 seconds and I move on.
northstar1 Posted June 8, 2010 Posted June 8, 2010 My breakup was just a little over two months ago. I'm not going to jump out and say I'm over her, because I know I'm not, but I would say 98% of my lovey feelings for her have faded. I honestly think this is because of all the sh*t she's done to me (trust me, she's done A LOT); I think I just got "done" with everything. Though I'm sure I can reach a fully functional level someday (having no contact whatsoever, being okay with it, basically living as if she died), I have a feeling that I won't be able to get completely over her because I don't know how to let go (I guess "forgiving" her would be more accurate) of everything she made me go through. I have an endless supply of anger and resentment towards her, and I'm afraid this is going to carry out for a long time. I want to be able to think about what she's done, and not be moved. I want to be able to think about her and say, "I really hope she's happy right now with whoever she's with." (though that feeling seems impossible to me right now). At this point, what I feel the most towards her is anger and resentment for everything she did. I basically just want to be perfectly okay with the past, but I don't know how to do that. Advice? Im not sure what your ex did to cause you to have a lot of anger, but at only two months post breakup, it's not unreasonable to still carry it. It takes time to work through feelings, esp if you were wronged. Keep focusing on what will make you happy in the future and over time, you will gradually lose the anger. There is no magic cureall for it, but at some point you need to realize that your ex can't impact your future happiness, and really all they have that impacts you is the past and that's done with.
ADF Posted June 8, 2010 Posted June 8, 2010 Forgiveness is overrated. I don't know where people get the idea they have some obligation to forgive those who mistreat them. They don't. Forgiveness is a gift, not an obligation. Don't make the process of getting over this woman harder than it needs to be by feeling like you have to think nice thoughts about her. Nuts to her. If what you need is to believe she is a low-down, nasty person you never want to see again in your life, so be it.
cdt76 Posted June 9, 2010 Posted June 9, 2010 Watch yourself with forgiveness. The thing with forgiveness is that while it gives your feelings a way out , a justification if you will, that you were wronged and you forgive the person who wronged you and you can start healing, however the other side of that is: Has the person who wronged you, asked for forgiveness? Does that other person even realize how badly they hurt you? The answer to both is probably no and the person will probably never ask you to forgive them or say they are sorry. So your (and mine) dilemma is how to aligned these feelings of hurt and pain with a method of healing in a world where there is no sorry and there is no forgiveness. Others might say that you can forgive someone for hurting you even if they do not ask for it, in order for you to accept your feelings and move forward with your life. However, I'm of the opinion that forgiveness is not freely given. We must find ways to accept the hurt and pain and heartache, overcome it, throw it away, and heal for ourselves. The anger and resentment will probably always be there, at least on a smaller scale than it is now. I know it doesn't take much for me to be raging mad if I think back on all the %^&()% others did to me during/after the breakup. It's hard. It sucks. It takes time.
Ilovecake Posted June 9, 2010 Posted June 9, 2010 My breakup was just a little over two months ago. I'm not going to jump out and say I'm over her, because I know I'm not, but I would say 98% of my lovey feelings for her have faded. I honestly think this is because of all the sh*t she's done to me (trust me, she's done A LOT); I think I just got "done" with everything. Though I'm sure I can reach a fully functional level someday (having no contact whatsoever, being okay with it, basically living as if she died), I have a feeling that I won't be able to get completely over her because I don't know how to let go (I guess "forgiving" her would be more accurate) of everything she made me go through. I have an endless supply of anger and resentment towards her, and I'm afraid this is going to carry out for a long time. I want to be able to think about what she's done, and not be moved. I want to be able to think about her and say, "I really hope she's happy right now with whoever she's with." (though that feeling seems impossible to me right now). At this point, what I feel the most towards her is anger and resentment for everything she did. I basically just want to be perfectly okay with the past, but I don't know how to do that. Advice? A year and a half later and I'm in the exact same boat as you. I've completely dealt with everything to do with the breakup. I don't have any (positive) feelings left for my ex, I've excepted the break up, I don't miss him, I'm not jealous of his girlfriend but the one and only thing I can't let go of is the anger and resentment. I have to make peace with the fact that I'll probably always hate him, since I have never felt this amount of hostility towards anyone else in my life. I can deal with it as long as I don't see him or have any communication with or about him, but the days when I run into him or hear something about him I feel such tremendous loathing it actually makes me physically ill for a day. I’ve posted the same question on here of how to get rid of that feeling. I noticed that a lot of other people, in different stages of the breakup process, also face these feelings and do not know what to do with them. I guess the only solace I can take from it is that feeling angry and hateful feels much better than feeling sad and abandoned. I do wish though that I could reach indifference, which would be ideal.
northstar1 Posted June 9, 2010 Posted June 9, 2010 I still hold some anger towards my most recent ex, for her trying to blame me for everything regards to the breakup and not take any accountability for her own actions and not willing to stick it out. It pisses me off that after we'd built something good, she'd rather give up on it and go back to her old patterns of running, than work on it. But then I figure, the longer she keeps me in some stage of unrest/anger, the longer it keeps me from being happy.
Feelin Frisky Posted June 9, 2010 Posted June 9, 2010 Take up power-walking or jogging and listen to music on an I-POD or Walkman (shuffle) that really makes you feel happy and peppy. Fill you time with progressive things where you have no time to sit around and dwell on your loss. Your own bio-feedback will begin to reflect your growing recovery and wellness.
DustySaltus Posted June 9, 2010 Posted June 9, 2010 What I've realized is how much energy ANGER and RESENTMENT have. What I did and maybe this will help you, was to channel those energies into something positive to better myself. So let's say that when me and my ex broke up I put a lot of things I wanted to accomplish aside for the sake of the relationship. I put that energy into those things. Just one example: When I came back from halfway across the world I had to go back to living with my parents for about 2 months. My ex had tore me apart emotionally, mentally and financially. Everyday for two months my father would drive me to the train and we would talk about things. I spent more time with him those couple of months than I had in a long time. My relationship with him became a lot stronger because I realized I was neglecting the people that TRULY cared about me in my life. I promised to myself that I would become a better son, a better brother and a better friend. That's where I focused my energies and I knew that if I continued to do that, good things will happen. Use that anger to your advantage. Shore up areas of yourself that you would like to improve, call up a friend that you haven't spoke to in years. But most of all realize that as long as you are proud of the person you are and the direction you are heading as an individual, everything else will fall into place.
Ilovecake Posted June 9, 2010 Posted June 9, 2010 What I've realized is how much energy ANGER and RESENTMENT have. What I did and maybe this will help you, was to channel those energies into something positive to better myself. So let's say that when me and my ex broke up I put a lot of things I wanted to accomplish aside for the sake of the relationship. I put that energy into those things. Just one example: When I came back from halfway across the world I had to go back to living with my parents for about 2 months. My ex had tore me apart emotionally, mentally and financially. Everyday for two months my father would drive me to the train and we would talk about things. I spent more time with him those couple of months than I had in a long time. My relationship with him became a lot stronger because I realized I was neglecting the people that TRULY cared about me in my life. I promised to myself that I would become a better son, a better brother and a better friend. That's where I focused my energies and I knew that if I continued to do that, good things will happen. Use that anger to your advantage. Shore up areas of yourself that you would like to improve, call up a friend that you haven't spoke to in years. But most of all realize that as long as you are proud of the person you are and the direction you are heading as an individual, everything else will fall into place. I have a very hard time seeing how you can use anger towards someone to propel you to do something that has absolutely nothing to do with why you are angry. I see no correlation between the two. I've done a million different things since my break up yet none of it lessened my anger towards my ex.
FearandLoathing Posted June 9, 2010 Posted June 9, 2010 I have the same problem, I don't think there's anything you can really do about it but know that it will fade in time. Something I've thought of that bothers me - if I'm so angry and feeling like this does that mean I'm not over him? Does anger mean that you still care? Indifference seems to be the point where you're truly over the person but what is anger :/
teanoranges Posted June 9, 2010 Posted June 9, 2010 I have a very hard time seeing how you can use anger towards someone to propel you to do something that has absolutely nothing to do with why you are angry. I see no correlation between the two. I've done a million different things since my break up yet none of it lessened my anger towards my ex. I think what Dusty was trying to say was that sometimes in a relationship and even in the breakup, we tend to have tunnel vision for the ex and the ex only and we forget about people in our lives that should mean a lot and that love us for who we are and who we've always been. These people have accepted you and yet we forget about them. Maybe try to hone your love for them and try to focus your energy on them.. to thwart off the anger? Sometimes all it takes is love to make you a little less angry.. sure, its a different kind of love... but shouldn't it mean something too?
teanoranges Posted June 9, 2010 Posted June 9, 2010 I have the same problem, I don't think there's anything you can really do about it but know that it will fade in time. Something I've thought of that bothers me - if I'm so angry and feeling like this does that mean I'm not over him? Does anger mean that you still care? Indifference seems to be the point where you're truly over the person but what is anger :/ This is something that bothers me too. I seriously want to slap my ex in the face, splash water in his face, and step on his toes.... and I guess it does come down to that I'm not completely over him? I don't know. I can live without him and am.. but what if he came back? I think I'd say no... but you never really know unless it happens..
DustySaltus Posted June 10, 2010 Posted June 10, 2010 I have a very hard time seeing how you can use anger towards someone to propel you to do something that has absolutely nothing to do with why you are angry. I see no correlation between the two. I've done a million different things since my break up yet none of it lessened my anger towards my ex. It's not about lessening the anger towards your ex. It's about putting the focus back on yourself. What's the point of continually rehashing the past, remembering all the bad things that occured? I can understand why anger lingers for as long as it does, trust me. I just don't let that anger control me anymore and try to leave the past in the past. I let that anger stay inside of me for FAR too long. Only when you realize that you have a lot to offer someone and put the focus on bettering yourself, will that ANGER turn into INDIFFERENCE.
Author This Hurts Posted June 10, 2010 Author Posted June 10, 2010 Thanks everyone for the responses. Like a couple of people mentioned, I'm just afraid it means I still have feelings for her. I know at 2 months this is normal, but like I said, I'm just afraid this is going to carry out for a very long time. I don't mind living the rest of my life believing she's a terrible person. That's not what bothers me. What bothers me is that when she comes to mind, my heart fires up with anger and resentment. This might sound odd, but it hurts to feel so much anger towards someone, and I just want to move past it. Someone also mentioned they just want to feel indifferent towards them, not angry, and that's also how I feel. If I can move on without forgiving, I will. She doesn't deserve forgiveness. She's never apologized and she probably never will. She's just not that type of person. If she feels bad or regretful about something, she'll just dwell in it and hate herself for it, but there's not a good chance she'll actually apologize. But either way, she's the type of person that if she WAS forgiven for something she regrets, she'll just do it again because that person forgave her for it. She's f*cking nuts, I hate her. People always say to forgive but don't forget... I feel the opposite. I feel like maybe someday I can let it go and even forget about it, but I'll never forgive her for it.
Ilovecake Posted June 10, 2010 Posted June 10, 2010 I think what Dusty was trying to say was that sometimes in a relationship and even in the breakup, we tend to have tunnel vision for the ex and the ex only and we forget about people in our lives that should mean a lot and that love us for who we are and who we've always been. These people have accepted you and yet we forget about them. Maybe try to hone your love for them and try to focus your energy on them.. to thwart off the anger? Sometimes all it takes is love to make you a little less angry.. sure, its a different kind of love... but shouldn't it mean something too? [FONT=Calibri][sIZE=3] [/sIZE][/FONT] Ah thank you for the explanation. This however still doesn't help. I love my friends and family and have always spent a lot of time with them. This however has not lessened my anger towards my ex. I'm not sure though that I can turn my anger towards someone into love towards someone else. I think the anger is a very separate and specific entity that can’t be redirected. It just has to dissipate on its own, with time. I hope one day I'll just start forgetting the things that make me angry right now.
Ilovecake Posted June 10, 2010 Posted June 10, 2010 It's not about lessening the anger towards your ex. It's about putting the focus back on yourself. What's the point of continually rehashing the past, remembering all the bad things that occured? I can understand why anger lingers for as long as it does, trust me. I just don't let that anger control me anymore and try to leave the past in the past. I let that anger stay inside of me for FAR too long. Only when you realize that you have a lot to offer someone and put the focus on bettering yourself, will that ANGER turn into INDIFFERENCE. I do focus on myself and the people around me. I don’t dwell on my ex at all. There are days and weeks when he doesn’t even enter my mind. This does not make the anger go away when I see my ex’s face or hear about him from acquaintances.
aeren944 Posted June 17, 2010 Posted June 17, 2010 Hey This Hurts, I just wanted to add my two cents... going through the same process as you, of course, but not as healed as you yet... Anyway, when I was your age, I had a semi-bad breakup, though definitely not as bad as yours. I was hurt then, and I actually moved out of state to get away from her. I spent the next 2 years doing drugs, selling drugs, "partying", and trying to forget about her. I was hurt so bad, and I totally hated everything about her. After those two years, I met my now ex-fiance. After I'd met her, the feelings of hate and anger pretty much died off. I now have that woman on my Facebook, and talk to her regularly... no hate at all. I know it's kinda weird coming from me, but I know FOR A FACT that they will die away... it's not going to be something in your control, but that's a good thing. It's not up to you to give any forgiveness or think of her in any certain way... let the anger well up. Screw her and what she did... and just stick with how it feels. It will come... this I know. It will come, and don't waste your energy worrying about it.
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