lilbunny Posted June 8, 2010 Posted June 8, 2010 Hi to all members, I have been reading this forum for a a while now and need some advice. My situation seems quite different to a lot of what I read and I am struggling a little. I have been involved with a MM for a couple of months. We have been friends and worked together for 3 years. We hit it off immediately, but it is only recently I thought I might have feelings for him. To be honest I never imagined we would ever be more than good friends, if you had asked anyone who knows him they would say he was just not that sort of person. He has been with his wife since they were teenagers (together for over 25 years) and has not had affairs before, despite countless offers (I can think of a lot of women at work who are pretty smitten with him for starters). He doesn't tell me that he has a bad home life or makes lots of promises about the future. He says (and seems) pretty scared and unsure about what is going to happen. He has hinted that he loves me, but feels unready to say it and that he doesn't know what to do. I am finding this tough, but at the same time I don't think it is fair to ask someone to just pack up and leave after a few weeks. There is a fair age gap between us and I get the impression that he has a worry he couldn't hang on to me if we were together. Any thoughts?
2sure Posted June 8, 2010 Posted June 8, 2010 He has been married 25 years. There is a large age gap between the two of you. He has not indicated that he wants to end his marriage. He has not made you promises nor declared love. He doesnt know what to do. Do about what? Whats different here ?
MorningCoffee Posted June 8, 2010 Posted June 8, 2010 IMO, he's not yet sure whether he can trust you to be a quiet co-conspirator in your A with him. Whether you will get demanding and clingy. Whether you will put him on the spot to choose between you and his W. Or will you just go along without getting "emotional" so he can enjoy having you and a nice little A on the side while not rocking his boat. He wants to have you and yet not lose what he has. Just a guess.
califnan Posted June 8, 2010 Posted June 8, 2010 Yes, you are thie kind of distraction that many men get. I don't think you should participate in breaking his 25 year good marriage record.. It will not be worth it to you - and it will waste your life - while possibly ruining his marriage .. Don't do it ..
Fieldsofgold Posted June 8, 2010 Posted June 8, 2010 My first thought is, if you care anything about the man, leave him alone. Get out now. Go. To continue an involvement with him is just begging for trouble and heartache, for both of you. You work with the man. Think of the trouble it could cause you at work, if things go bad between you. He's apparently been fairly happy with his wife for 25 years or longer. He's not likely to voluntarily leave her quickly or easily - or at all. They have apparently had a pretty good life together. If you really care about him, why would you want to be a part in helping him destroy that? I think he sounds like the kind of man who would be devastated if he got caught, or when he comes to his senses and realizes what he has done, whichever comes first. If you care anything about him, why would you want to be a party to helping him destroy his life like that? And when that happens, his "love" or infatuation for you will likely turn to disgust and loathing. If you were his wife, I'm pretty sure you wouldn't want someone messing with your husband. Do unto others, and all that. (Or, what goes round, comes round.) Why sign on for the heartache and devastation for both of you? The two of you are not in that deep, yet. Use your head, count the costs for both of you, and go find yourself someone who is single and available to love, and leave him and his wife alone. That's my thoughts.
jthorne Posted June 8, 2010 Posted June 8, 2010 He has been married 25 years. There is a large age gap between the two of you. He has not indicated that he wants to end his marriage. He has not made you promises nor declared love. He doesnt know what to do. Do about what? Whats different here ?Exactly what I was thinking. What advice are you seeking after reading about the pain of other OW on this board in your situation? Why do you think your situation is any different?
Fieldsofgold Posted June 8, 2010 Posted June 8, 2010 (edited) duplicate post Edited June 8, 2010 by Fieldsofgold
pureinheart Posted June 8, 2010 Posted June 8, 2010 (edited) Hi to all members, I have been reading this forum for a a while now and need some advice. My situation seems quite different to a lot of what I read and I am struggling a little. I have been involved with a MM for a couple of months. We have been friends and worked together for 3 years. We hit it off immediately, but it is only recently I thought I might have feelings for him. To be honest I never imagined we would ever be more than good friends, if you had asked anyone who knows him they would say he was just not that sort of person. He has been with his wife since they were teenagers (together for over 25 years) and has not had affairs before, despite countless offers (I can think of a lot of women at work who are pretty smitten with him for starters). He doesn't tell me that he has a bad home life or makes lots of promises about the future. He says (and seems) pretty scared and unsure about what is going to happen. He has hinted that he loves me, but feels unready to say it and that he doesn't know what to do. I am finding this tough, but at the same time I don't think it is fair to ask someone to just pack up and leave after a few weeks. There is a fair age gap between us and I get the impression that he has a worry he couldn't hang on to me if we were together. Any thoughts? Hey, welcome ((((hugs))))) The one major thing you might want to consider here is IMO, he should only leave the M for him....if he does it for any other reason and something goes wrong, the object of his reason will be the blame in his eyes. Age can and can't make a difference...for me, most of my H's/bf's were younger than me...when I turned 40 that changed, I wanted them older. The reason for this was gravity can take it's toll and I didnot want to deal with rejection. I can understand MM's fears of age...although men can age more gracefully than women at times, so it's all relative. Hey I hope you continue to post and update us.... Edited June 8, 2010 by pureinheart
jwi71 Posted June 8, 2010 Posted June 8, 2010 Hi to all members, I have been reading this forum for a a while now and need some advice. My situation seems quite different to a lot of what I read and I am struggling a little. Different how? I have been involved with a MM for a couple of months That's not different. . We have been friends and worked together for 3 years. We hit it off immediately, but it is only recently I thought I might have feelings for him. Nothing different here. To be honest I never imagined we would ever be more than good friends, if you had asked anyone who knows him they would say he was just not that sort of person. He has been with his wife since they were teenagers (together for over 25 years) and has not had affairs before, despite countless offers (I can think of a lot of women at work who are pretty smitten with him for starters). Despite the barely disguised compliment to yourself...nothing different. He doesn't tell me that he has a bad home life or makes lots of promises about the future. Not all that unusual. He says (and seems) pretty scared and unsure about what is going to happen. He has hinted that he loves me, but feels unready to say it and that he doesn't know what to do. Confusion is not different. Its the norm here. I am finding this tough, but at the same time I don't think it is fair to ask someone to just pack up and leave after a few weeks Oh. Why not? Its not much of a R if you cant ask for what you want. . There is a fair age gap between us and I get the impression that he has a worry he couldn't hang on to me if we were together. Wow. So the reason he is uncomfortable has nothing to do with leaving his W, kids, the public humiliation or the financial aspects...its because he might not hang on to you IF he leaves. No self esteem issues here huh? So my comments are: Nothing at all unusual about this A. And you are a tad "full of yourself" methinks.
jthorne Posted June 8, 2010 Posted June 8, 2010 Snarkiness aside, as I'm still not sure what you're asking... If you like being the OW, and are comfortable helping him betray his wife and the life of 25 years they've built together, stay and expect nothing more. If not, time to go. I hope to heck this guy's not your boss.
Author lilbunny Posted June 8, 2010 Author Posted June 8, 2010 Thanks for all your comments. I've never been in this situation before and it isn't something I'm proud of or planned. If I didn't genuinely think there was potentially something really special there I wouldn't have got into it at all. I suppose I wondered if anyone had been through anything similar and how that turned out. We've both said a couple of times that maybe we should go back to how things used to be and meant it at the time, but it hasn't lasted. I do feel some empathy with his wife and I don't want to come across as cold hearted, but it can be hard because I've never met her. As for the age thing I am 27 and he is 45. I know it sounds quite a lot, but we have an awful lot in common and were very close friends before any of this. He also is well aware that I can be somewhat emotional and there have already been quite a few upsets. The work thing isn't too much of an issue because we see each other at work by choice and wouldn't have to have anything to do with each other if we didn't want to.
jthorne Posted June 8, 2010 Posted June 8, 2010 If you're having quite a few upsets after a few weeks, that's your sign to exit.
Mimolicious Posted June 8, 2010 Posted June 8, 2010 I am finding this tough, but at the same time I don't think it is fair to ask someone to just pack up and leave after a few weeks. I'm lost here... Pack up and leave where to? With you? But you basically just said that you don't even know where you stand with MM. How is your situation different than the ones you have read here? You are having an A with a MM. Either you stay with him and deal with whatever it is that he is able to offer you and brace yourself for the consequences or leave him in the dust and find yourself a single dude.
Author lilbunny Posted June 8, 2010 Author Posted June 8, 2010 I'm not sure I am 'full of myself'. I do know for a fact there are several other women at work who have made it pretty clear they are interested, some before I even worked there, so what I am questioning is if he is just after an affair, why not pick one of them? I'm not trying to suggest that I am better than them, just that perhaps it is a bit more meaningful. They are attractive and I know that at least one of them would be more than happy with a 'bit on the side' if you like. Uncomplicated, hassle free, isn't that ideal if that is the case. He has no children and money is not an issue, both for reasons I won't go into. In a relationship in 'normal' circumstances I wouldn't be asking someone to make huge life changes after a couple of months, without at least giving them ample time to consider it, so I suppose it is more a case of my expectations than his. Could I ask jwi71, if you don't object, if you have been in this type of situation? I am interested in everyone's comments and I wondered where you were coming from. And no, I don't have any self esteem issues, but I think you have misunderstood me, I am not suggesting that I am superior to anyone else, I just think some people fit well together and we seem to.
Author lilbunny Posted June 8, 2010 Author Posted June 8, 2010 If you're having quite a few upsets after a few weeks, that's your sign to exit. Point taken, though I don't mean rows, just emotional times over the situation (on both sides). I think someone suggested that if things got emotional that might be the end of it from his perspective,
califnan Posted June 8, 2010 Posted June 8, 2010 I know you may be questioning why he chose you and not others.. But what is more pertinant is that his wife will always have the respect and a girlfriend would be second. That's why the warnings.
Mimolicious Posted June 8, 2010 Posted June 8, 2010 I know you may be questioning why he chose you and not others.. How does she know he has not chosen others???????? He's been married for 25yrs. A lot happens in 25yrs. This is what he is telling her. Same like he's telling his W that he has never cheated. The wheel being reinvented all over again. IMHO- I think you want to fly before crawling in this A. This sounds like pure wreck waiting to happen. You're looking for answers kinda soon. There are OW that last years and are not expecting much.
Author lilbunny Posted June 8, 2010 Author Posted June 8, 2010 I couldn't do years of it, I'm not cut out for this sort of thing, it doesn't sit well with me. I think there must be a reasonable amount of time for him to think about what he wants and then I will know where I stand once and for all. I think if I had a bit more backbone I would step away and tell him to come and see me if he decides he wants to do things properly, but I'm not convinced I'd stick to it. I do believe that it hasn't happened before, for the simple reason that I think he knows I have a past is the past policy and it wouldn't have made any difference.
Brokenlady Posted June 8, 2010 Posted June 8, 2010 Actually lilbunny, your situation is exactly like many of the ones here. It seems to me that most involve older men and younger women in lengthy marriages. They all seem to want to stay "for the kids" and the OW asks if she ought to stick around to see if he'll leave. Keep reading LB. These things don't end well usually.
norajane Posted June 8, 2010 Posted June 8, 2010 I do believe that it hasn't happened before, for the simple reason that I think he knows I have a past is the past policy and it wouldn't have made any difference. Don't lie to yourself, at the very least. Of course it would make all kinds of difference to you if he'd had multiple OW over the course of his 25 years of marriage, and remained married only to take up with you...next! Of course you wouldn't feel nearly as "special" as you do now thinking you're the first, the one and only whom he thought was so f*cking awesome that you could drive him to cheat just so he could be with you! Of course you wouldn't believe that there was something "a bit more meaningful" between you if he's had other affairs. And of course he won't tell you the truth about that because then you wouldn't feel so special and might not be interested in being the next in line for him to be "confused" about. Dude doesn't have children and money isn't an issue, yet he's been married for 25 years. If he's truly unhappy (which he has not said he is), he'd have no reason to stay with his wife that long. Odds are, he's become a bit bored and probably boring, so this is all very fun and exciting to him. Less so for you, since you're already wanting to envision a "future" with him. He's not leaving his wife. Either you accept that now and stay a quiet, compliant OW, or you move on. But sticking around and auditioning for the role of his second wife is a losing proposition for you, and the longer you stay, the more you will lose.
Mimolicious Posted June 8, 2010 Posted June 8, 2010 I couldn't do years of it, I'm not cut out for this sort of thing, it doesn't sit well with me. I think there must be a reasonable amount of time for him to think about what he wants and then I will know where I stand once and for all. I think if I had a bit more backbone I would step away and tell him to come and see me if he decides he wants to do things properly, but I'm not convinced I'd stick to it. I do believe that it hasn't happened before, for the simple reason that I think he knows I have a past is the past policy and it wouldn't have made any difference. Sweetpea, sorry for the bluntness but you sound confused as hell. If you are not cut-out for something you don't deal with it period but at the same time I kinda get a feeling where you are coming from. You are basically not trying to be his OW but you are going to wait on the sideline and see which way he goes, but you're not sure if you would stick to the idea of ending the fling with him. Kinda "come through correct or don't come through at all"? Listen, if you may learn something from these boards... It's going to be one hell of a ride if you decide to stick around.
Author lilbunny Posted June 8, 2010 Author Posted June 8, 2010 Thanks brokenlady and everyone else. I didn't think anyone would reply at all! I suppose I got the impression that quite a lot of OW were given all of the 'my wife doesn't understand me, my marriage is dead etc' speeches and given ever shifting dates when they would leave their wives and were under the impression this was definitely going to happen at some point. I am just in a place where I have no idea. I know that is better than a load of false promises to keep me quiet, something he could be doing because it isn't like we don't talk about things, but uncertainty isn't really a strong point.
norajane Posted June 8, 2010 Posted June 8, 2010 The false promises and ever-shifting dates don't start until well into the affair when you're already tearing your hair out that you've been with him x amount of time and he's taken no actual action to do anything but appease you with words and empty promises. That's what lies ahead of you. Right now, you're still in the first flush of the affair when you're "exploring". Keep doing that, and soon enough, you'll get to the false promises point.
Author lilbunny Posted June 8, 2010 Author Posted June 8, 2010 Sweetpea, sorry for the bluntness but you sound confused as hell. If you are not cut-out for something you don't deal with it period but at the same time I kinda get a feeling where you are coming from. You are basically not trying to be his OW but you are going to wait on the sideline and see which way he goes, but you're not sure if you would stick to the idea of ending the fling with him. Kinda "come through correct or don't come through at all"? Listen, if you may learn something from these boards... It's going to be one hell of a ride if you decide to stick around. No need for the sorry, that is exactly it, thanks. At the risk of someone else jumping in and saying I am up myself I don't want to be in this position in the long term. Some people are and are happy with that and I am not knocking it if suits them, but a lot of people are miserable. I'd be one of the latter. I think I am worth more than that. At the same time I don't want to push or try and rail road someone into a pretty massive decision. Plus I am proving to be rubbish at staying away. Yep it's a mess. Whoever said I wouldn't have felt it was meaningful if I knew he had done it before was right, I didn't suggest I would. I would have done it anyway though and that was my point, lying was unnecessary. I am going to sleep on this, mull it over for a few days and set a deadline, how long I am prepared to wait for an answer and if no answer is forthcoming then I will take that as a negative and give up.
norajane Posted June 8, 2010 Posted June 8, 2010 Plus I am proving to be rubbish at staying away. I am going to sleep on this, mull it over for a few days and set a deadline, how long I am prepared to wait for an answer and if no answer is forthcoming then I will take that as a negative and give up. What makes you think you will be able to give up and walk away any easier after being with him for months and months, when you can't even stay away from him now? It will get harder and harder to leave as you develop more and more feelings for him, plus you'll feel like you've invested all this time and emotion into this relationship so you'll think you'll hold on just a little longer and he'll come through with a divorce... If you can't step back now, you'll only get sucked in deeper and deeper and lose more of yourself, and more of your life. Why give him so much power over your life? Do you really want your future and your future happiness to be completely dependent on whether a MM and his wife decide to divorce and when? Why are you so eager to give up your control over your life to a MM and woman you've never met?
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