my story so far

[someday]

Here’s the deal.

 

I’m married, been married for about 8 yrs, been in a serious committed relationship with him for 18 yrs. He was my first serious relationship, my only serious relationship. We’ve two teen aged children and one baby (who has been legally placed with us through the courts). I posted on the infidelity board and on the OW/OM board because I am in a place in my life, in my mind, that I am unsure of many things.

 

As you will read on the infidelity board I am also, I believe, in love with another man. I say believe because I am unsure of what I truly feel for this other man- I know for a fact that there is a connection that has endured time, distance, and major life changes on both our parts. I’ve never been intimate with this other man, I’ll call him my friend, but we’ve shared moments that have been very deep and very intense. I was asked if what my friend and I share is just a ‘big old crush’ and I’ve been pondering that question. I’m not sure I understand the implications or the differences of ‘love’ and ‘crush’…when I think of the term ‘crush’ I think of childish love that has little to no real substance. I’m adverse to use that term for what I feel for my friend and what he feels for me.

 

To be honest this is the first time I am truly, deeply, expectantly, exploring my feelings for my friend in this great of detail. Over the years I’ve come to the same conclusion over and over. I can’t ever have him in my life as more than a friend. I’ve lived my life accordingly.

 

I do love my husband. I really do. He’s been there for me when I’ve needed someone. Shortly before he and I started dating is when I first realized and accepted that my friend and I would never be together like I wanted to be with him. I decided that I had to move on with my life, I had to make a life for myself, one that I could be happy with. I’ve guarded my heart and my body and never let anyone closer to me than I’ve let my husband.

 

My husband and I have a good life together. Sometimes great and sometimes not so great. He’s a great guy with great dysfunction. Probably mostly all steaming from his childhood issues. In the beginning of our relationship I knew then that he loved me in a different way but was so young and inexperienced I wasn’t sure what it meant or what it would mean in the future. He loves me like he’s obsessed….and yet he’s all stuffed up inside and can’t really love me the way I need to be loved. I want more. I’ve asked for more and just get more of the same. I’m tired.

 

Long ago my husband was unfaithful, way before he was my husband. It hurt, somewhat, but not too bad. Mostly just hurt my pride. I told him no more. He begged and pleaded and I accepted him back. I told him that if he cheated again we are done. So life went on, for years. Then when I was pregnant with our second child he was rumored to be cheating again. I went and confronted him. He swore up and down that he wasn’t cheating. I told him that if he did cheat again I was done. Well, guess what? About five years ago he cheated again. This time I made him leave the house. He left but never REALLY left. So after about 7 months of hell…I accepted him back.

 

After this last time…I don’t know… something just changed in me. I know that his issues are his issues and I’m not the reason he’s cheated. I know that he’s the only reason he cheats. I feel sort of hollow after all the times I’ve told him that if he cheated again I would be totally done….and here I sit, amid my empty boundaries. How’s he going to believe I’m serious if I don’t even believe myself.

 

There has been abuse in our relationship. He’s hit me on several occasions. The last time was probably about 10 yrs ago. I told him then that if he ever hit me again that would be the last time he touched me. He’s not done anything like that again. There has been mental and emotional abuse too. But I’m a pretty strong minded individual so I knew what that was about and called him out on it every time. He’s got a lot of anger issues.

 

I stay with him because I love him. On one of my other threads someone said that I don’t love him and am lying to myself (because of my feelings for my friend). I do not agree. I do love my husband. I so want him to be happy. If he could be happy with himself then maybe we could have a chance at reaming married forever…maybe….

 

I stay with him because of my kids (our kids). It is my priority to give our kids the benefit of a two parent home. That’s probably based on my childhood, being a product of a single parent home I know what it’s like to live that way. My husband’s parents are still married but have been very, very dysfunctional. His mother has told me that if she had to do it over she would have divorced his father.

 

I can tell you without a doubt that our kids are happy, healthy, respectful and just wonderful people. They are awesome!!! I can also tell you that I have a great fear of losing my son to gangs and know that my husband’s presence in his life now- in the same house- will help him become the best person he can be.

 

That’s it. I don’t believe that I have a question but I know that I would appreciate your thoughts if you care to share.

Edited June 8, 2010 by someday

[xxoo]

Thats a lot!

 

Some thoughts/questions...

 

When you said this: "Shortly before he and I started dating is when I first realized and accepted that my friend and I would never be together like I wanted to be with him."

What was the reason you couldn't be with him? What, if anything, has changed?

 

I wonder if you idealize the other man now that things have soured with your H. I wonder if you wouldn't have more clarity about your marriage if you broke contact with the OM for a while.

 

It always worries me when people (including me!) make big life decisions based on fear. One of your reasons for staying with your (abusive, cheating) H is fear that your son will get involved in gangs. Is that a rational reason to stay? Are you calming your fears with regard to one risk (gangs), while increasing other risks for your son (taking after dad, becoming an abuser)? What is honestly more likely to manifest: the gangs or the cycle of abuse?

[someday]

I couldn't be with my friend then because he didn't want me like that, at that time. He pursued another woman, had a baby and was with her for- oh I don't know- 10 years. I was already married with two kids when he was single. He met and married another woman- then I was single for those 7 months.

 

I've very VERY little contact with my friend (OM). We speak maybe 3 times a year. We see each other maybe 10 times a year. If I have put my friend in a position of idealization it's not because of state of my marriage. I've always felt this way about him.

 

I'm not afraid of being alone, I'm not afraid of not being able to provide for myself or my kids (on my own if need be), I'm not afraid of never loving or being loved again, truthfully I'm not afraid of much of anything anymore. I am afraid to mess up my kids lives in irreversible ways.

 

Here, where I live, yes there is a very real danger of my son becoming involved in gangs. I suppose that's true everywhere anymore. My husband has tried so very, very, very hard to not be like his dad...and has failed from time to time and has struck me in anger. Mostly he just leaves the house for a while until he calms down.

 

Yes, I'm afraid of that to...my son picking up the negative traits of his dad...but that fear is less than the gang fear. I think because if he gets involved in a gang he's going to either wind up in jail or dead. Plus, my husband had worked on and is making progress with his anger issues.