Spark1111 Posted June 8, 2010 Posted June 8, 2010 I'm thinking of those crazy days after DDAY, when I was numb with shock and devastation, and some of the well-intentioned advice friends and family gave me. Some of it was sound; some of it was preposterous in retrospect. From his sister: Look, he loves you and he loves his family. (Really? How could you tell?) From a friend: A lot of women don't leave Spark, because they do not want to be alone. (Boys will be boys?) But I personally couldn't forgive my spouse if he did that. (Are you sure he never has?) From a neighbor: Well you know, so and so left her. She's gained a bit of weight and I hear the house is always messy. (You have got to be kidding? Is this 1950?) Six months later his OW threw him out too. (Hmmmm....could it be him?) From a relative: You know he is poised to make a lot of money this year... (So forgiveness can be bought?) And an angry friend: Why didn't you tell me? I could have helped you! (Because you talk too much? And we both know you would have spread it around town?) From a SIL: She spends 40 minutes talking about her spouse's work flirtation from 25 years ago, pre-marriage, and the anger just bubbles up as if it were yesterday, but tells me: You really should let him come home. I can't stand the thought of him being alone, and starts to cry. WTH?!!! Ahh, and the best for last, from mama: You are being too judgemental here. You are going to lose him. (Lose? No, throw away is more like it!) :laugh::laugh::laugh: So, anyone want to share the well-intentioned but stupid advice you received after DDAY?
noreply110 Posted June 8, 2010 Posted June 8, 2010 My absoult favorite was- "You must be wrong. He would never do that. He isn't a cheater". Yeah, thanks MOM. Mostly it was just divided along two lines of thought. First was, if you don't leave him you are dumb and deserve whatever you get. The second was, Forgive him, he didn't "mean it that way". Really? What way did he mean it? Eh, in hindsight, some of it was pretty funny. It seemed to be really people's own concern about their relationship masked as advice.
Snowflower Posted June 8, 2010 Posted June 8, 2010 Eh, in hindsight, some of it was pretty funny. It seemed to be really people's own concern about their relationship masked as advice. Oh my gosh, so true! I told very few people and I really did get pretty good advice for the most part. Most everyone tried to be supportive and gave the best advice they could. But I did hear a few weird things and I realized it was people's own fears and even at that difficult time when things were so confusing, like Spark mentions--their advice didn't make any sense. I see some of that in other posts here too.
silktricks Posted June 8, 2010 Posted June 8, 2010 I told one person and got NO advice. Now SHE was a friend !
crazycatlady Posted June 8, 2010 Posted June 8, 2010 Other then saying what they would do and offering to help bury the body if I chose to go that route (its a joke folks) all I had were offers of support. I have some really good friends. CCL
scatterd Posted June 8, 2010 Posted June 8, 2010 I dont think he is that kind of man maybe he is just her friend.
Author Spark1111 Posted June 8, 2010 Author Posted June 8, 2010 My absoult favorite was- "You must be wrong. He would never do that. He isn't a cheater". Yeah, thanks MOM. Mostly it was just divided along two lines of thought. First was, if you don't leave him you are dumb and deserve whatever you get. The second was, Forgive him, he didn't "mean it that way". Really? What way did he mean it? Eh, in hindsight, some of it was pretty funny. It seemed to be really people's own concern about their relationship masked as advice. So true! Somewhere in there I saw a quote/artwork piece from Bryan Andreas, which was entitled, Tightrope. It read: "She couldn't hear their well-intentioned advice as they were still on the ground." It's how I felt.
Author Spark1111 Posted June 8, 2010 Author Posted June 8, 2010 Oh my gosh, so true! I told very few people and I really did get pretty good advice for the most part. Most everyone tried to be supportive and gave the best advice they could. But I did hear a few weird things and I realized it was people's own fears and even at that difficult time when things were so confusing, like Spark mentions--their advice didn't make any sense. I see some of that in other posts here too. Yes, I learned very quickly people advise from their own fears. How about: Want me to go pay her a visit? (Horrified, NO!)
Author Spark1111 Posted June 8, 2010 Author Posted June 8, 2010 My brother, a voice of reason in all of this, and a man's perspective: Look, you decide which way you want this to go. You have a long history together. But you must be VERY CLEAR on what he needs to do to get back home. That was helpful...no recrimination, judgements, just a plan of action. Thanks bro. (Or are men more forgiving of infidelity?) BIL, a former cheater, to my husband: You stood up like a man and took the consequences. I for one am proud of you. My H was busted via text. I had thrown him out. There really were no consequences at that point.
Author Spark1111 Posted June 8, 2010 Author Posted June 8, 2010 I told one person and got NO advice. Now SHE was a friend ! Great point, Silk! The people who listened non-judgementally are still close friends.
Author Spark1111 Posted June 8, 2010 Author Posted June 8, 2010 here's another gem: From a friend of his, two weeks past DDAy. My fWS is still in touch with his OW, bemoaning how poorly our reconciliation is going. (What reconciliation? I haven't spoken to him since I threw him out.) You know Spark, you really have to let this go. Needless to say, I gave him quite an earful filled with epithets.:laugh::laugh: Oh, and another: You are much prettier than her. Even my husband said so. ARRRRRRGGGGGHHHHH!
Snowflower Posted June 8, 2010 Posted June 8, 2010 From a friend: A lot of women don't leave Spark, because they do not want to be alone. (Boys will be boys?) But I personally couldn't forgive my spouse if he did that. (Are you sure he never has?) Just. Wow. Spark, did you keep this friend?
Author Spark1111 Posted June 8, 2010 Author Posted June 8, 2010 No, she fell apart in the fall out. Drank too much one night and told it to gossipy acquaintenances who had an inkling, but came along fishing from her and she divulged. Still forgave her, though, cause at least she told me the truth of the situation. But a few months went by and I called her and she was hostile. I told her when she wanted to speak of why she now felt hostile towards me, she knew where to reach me. In retrospect, I believe she was angriest at herself? She was played. Never heard from her again. Don't know why. And really, do not care anymore. I have enough high-maintenance people and situations in my life.
Ann_Igma Posted June 8, 2010 Posted June 8, 2010 For the most part, my friends were pretty good with listening and advice. However there was a small group of work friends who couldn't understand quite why I was so upset as it 'wasn't a real affair' since they never slept together. Oh yeah, and there was the one woman from work who told me that when she suspected her H of cheating, she forcefully applied a cricket bat to his genitals.. REALLY helpful advice..
Mimolicious Posted June 8, 2010 Posted June 8, 2010 I want to say that in my situation "advice" from friends and family left me with a clouded head. my MIL few days ago (mind you we have been over for 3 years and he had an affair for the past 6 and is still with OW): "I told exMr.Mimolicious, that he needs to go back home now (he lives with his parents) and be with his W and Kids. He needs to get back to his family and his life. Mimolicious, you just have to let him come back and you act like this never happened. Ok." Ok, yeah RIGHT AWAY LADY! Idiot! This aint the 1800's...
PortuguesePrincess80 Posted June 8, 2010 Posted June 8, 2010 The most pathetic one that sticks out in my head is by his sister, " Oh instead of selling your house why don't you let me live there with my kids!" This is coming from a loser whose boyfriend cheated on her with over 10 women that she knows of...had a third kid with him while he was living with one of his affair woman and now has nowhere else to go and is stuck at her parents!
Mimolicious Posted June 8, 2010 Posted June 8, 2010 The most pathetic one that sticks out in my head is by his sister, " Oh instead of selling your house why don't you let me live there with my kids!" This is coming from a loser whose boyfriend cheated on her with over 10 women that she knows of...had a third kid with him while he was living with one of his affair woman and now has nowhere else to go and is stuck at her parents! Whoa! Christmas must be so jolly at your parents. Sorry, this made me laugh. Isn't it ironic how opportunist people want to cap their possibilities sometimes?!? SMH!
PortuguesePrincess80 Posted June 8, 2010 Posted June 8, 2010 Pathetic huh? Its HIS sister btw...which doesnt help the cause whatsoever...but hey what can ya do? LOL
seren Posted June 8, 2010 Posted June 8, 2010 Loads of well meaning, but crap advice. From my brother - do you want me to have a word with him .... what word? what difference do you think it can make? - I don't know, but will speak to him if you want, if you have him back, you will have to let it go !! From my best mate, best advice/support - shall I get tonic for your gin or do you want it straight. Same friend, OK clear out your old plates, I have some, lets smash them all against the shed. It was an old tension relieving trick of my mad mother - so we did, each cup and plate hurled with an expletive. Very cathartic. From my secretary. We can make her life hell if you want, I'll help. Umm no thanks, there are enough lives going through hell at the moment, but thanks anyway. From a client, a 92 year old lady who was dying from cancer, asked me if I got to her age and was looking back, what would be my biggest regret, leaving or staying and working on it? (I broke down in front of her, very unprofessional), but it was early days. The best, from my son - lets just go down the beach and paddle, get some fish and chips and just chill for a couple of hours before we go back and you and Dad talk. I remember a work colleague who's husband had a 4 year A, during this time they renewed their vows, had fab holidays, looked the prefect couple. It floored her. My stupid, stupid advice - it's been 8 months, you have to let it go !!!! and, when she said it can happen to anyone, me saying, no not my H, never. Well, never say never and yes I apologised sent flowers and ate humble pie when it happened to me.
NoIDidn't Posted June 8, 2010 Posted June 8, 2010 I actually got good advice from my family and friends that I told. They basically told me their experiences and the things they would do differently. Some left immediately and wished they had considered reconciliation. A few reconciled and were conflicted about it. Some didn't regret fighting for the R they loved. I have to confess being that friend that was angry when I found out the depth of the betrayal that another friend had experienced at the hands of her H and OW (a mutual friend to all). She didn't tell me because I'm a gossip or anything (I stay out of the popular circle she's in), but because she was wary of ALL women at that moment except her Mom and best friend. She has since shared more because she's a little more secure.
turnstone Posted June 9, 2010 Posted June 9, 2010 I don't think anyone gave me any advice. Either that or I didn't hear it. I tend to get 'driven' when under stress, and some things get blocked out until the adrenaline levels have dropped. But I do remember my ex H's best friend telling me just after we got married, that he thought separate bank accounts were a good idea.
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