ronin73 Posted June 8, 2010 Posted June 8, 2010 Hola all...here we go... So, my GF and I have been together for a little over a year now. She's 26, I'll be 37 next month. Before I met her mom, she told her mom about me. The only problem is that she didn't tell her mom the truth. Fortunately, neither of her parents--they live in another state, so I've only seen them four or five times--have never asked me about what she lied about. I found this out in a conversation with her the other day, and was not particularly happy. What she told them was that I'm 32 and I've never been married. Which is completely untrue, being that I'm 36 and I just got divorced last year. I've told her that I think we're getting off on the wrong foot by lying to her parents. Her reaction is that she doesn't want them to know that she lied to them and that she doesn't think they'd approve of her being involved with a divorced guy. Which, I told her she should've never lied to them to begin with...which then just made her upset. She explained to me that her she doesn't want them to be disappointed with her decisions about life and that she doesn't want them to "disapprove" of anything she does. I could understand if she was 18-21, but at 26 to lie to your parents and not face up to the consequences seems very immature to me...
Eeyore79 Posted June 8, 2010 Posted June 8, 2010 She obviously has a problem with you being divorced, and feels so ashamed of it that she doesn't want her parents to know about it. My ex was divorced, and I never told my parents or friends because I was ashamed - in the end I dumped him for a guy who had never been divorced. Be prepared for the possibility that this may become a serious issue in the future.
Author ronin73 Posted June 8, 2010 Author Posted June 8, 2010 @Eeyore79 - I think I may not be following you. Are you saying she's ashamed of the fact that I'm divorced or that she's ashamed to be involved with a divorced guy? I'm assuming the latter, but want to make sure. Either way, that doesn't make sense to me. If it was that much of a "deal breaker", why get involved with me to begin with? And were you the same age when you were involved with your divorced ex? Just trying to determine if age really is a factor in this equation...
Confusedalways Posted June 8, 2010 Posted June 8, 2010 that's... strange. I am younger than that and would never lie to my parents about this sort of thing. It's kind of a big deal. I mean, I GUESS I see where she's coming from but I don't understand her reasoning very well....
Ihavenoidea Posted June 8, 2010 Posted June 8, 2010 @Eeyore79 - I think I may not be following you. Are you saying she's ashamed of the fact that I'm divorced or that she's ashamed to be involved with a divorced guy? I'm assuming the latter, but want to make sure. Either way, that doesn't make sense to me. If it was that much of a "deal breaker", why get involved with me to begin with? And were you the same age when you were involved with your divorced ex? Just trying to determine if age really is a factor in this equation... I dont think she is ashamed I think she just doesnt want to deal with the drama from her parents and feel judged. but I agree she shouldnt have lied about it in the first place. The thing is most ounger women want an older guy, they are mature and stable and can provide for them, its not really gold digging but at the same time I have found that most women that age dating or looking for older men just want stability and a meal ticket.
Maxxx Posted June 8, 2010 Posted June 8, 2010 ]I dont think she is ashamed I think she just doesnt want to deal with the drama from her parents and feel judged. [/b] but I agree she shouldnt have lied about it in the first place. The thing is most ounger women want an older guy, they are mature and stable and can provide for them, its not really gold digging but at the same time I have found that most women that age dating or looking for older men just want stability and a meal ticket. I would agree with this I don't think she is ashamed per se' But my woman is a bit like the way this one sounds.......... I don't think my woman has lied to her parents but she does go out of her way not to tell them some things... And it is because she does not want them to disprove of the choices she has made. She is from a very conservative family. I think this type of thing happens in more conservative families. To the OP is she from a VERY conserative family? just wondering I bet she is.... But either way she has started off on the wrong foot if you entend to continue this relationship for the long haul you must insist that you and her come clean with her folks... And if she won't do that you need to reconsider the relationship.
Eeyore79 Posted June 8, 2010 Posted June 8, 2010 My parents don't believe in divorce, or sleeping around, or open relationships, or mixed race relationships, or having children out of wedlock, etc - they are very traditional. When I dated a guy who was divorced, I was ashamed to admit it to my parents, because they would disapprove of him and by extension would disapprove of me for dating him. They would be disappointed in me, and would dislike my boyfriend, so I simply didn't tell them that he was divorced. This caused me a lot of stress, because I was hiding things from my parents and was always worried they would find out, and also because I felt like I was asking my boyfriend to lie about his past. I guess to a certain extent I absorbed my parents' traditional values, and while I liked my boyfriend I didn't like the fact that he was divorced. It was a constant struggle in my mind between liking him and disliking his past - in the beginning I thought that maybe I could come to terms with his past, but in the end I realised I didn't really want to date someone who was divorced. As soon as a non-divorced man who I was attracted to came along, I dumped my boyfriend, and it was a relief because I no longer had to lie to my parents or feel conflicted because I disapproved of his past. After that experience, I decided that I would never again date a man who was divorced or had kids, because I've found through experience that I can't come to terms with his past and what I really want is a single never-married man with no kids. (FYI, since you asked, I was 29 and he was 39.)
make me believe Posted June 8, 2010 Posted June 8, 2010 It sounds like she knows her parents would judge you for being divorced, and she is trying to avoid that. That doesn't make it ok to lie, but really your divorce is none of her parents' business so I wonder why it even came up in the first place. If they asked her, then it's obviously something that is a big deal to them. If she just randomly lied without them even asking, that's really strange. Either way, I think this is a bad sign. Oh and especially because she lied to her parents about your age, too. She must know they won't approve of you. What is she going to do if you two get very serious or even married?? What if/when you meet her parents? Are you going to be expected to keep up with her lies?? What else is she going to lie about? At 26, she should be able to tell her parents the truth and deal with their reaction maturely. If I were you, I would insist she tells them the truth ASAP. At the very least, inform her that if it ever comes up in conversation with her parents, you are not willing to continue the lies so they will find out eventually anyway.
Author ronin73 Posted June 9, 2010 Author Posted June 9, 2010 @Maxxx - Her mom is very liberal, her dad is more middle of the road. Her mom was married and divorced when she was very young (~19), has no contact with the child from that marriage. Her dad had a kid (not with her mom) when he was ~17, wound up giving the kid up for adoption. @makemebelieve - Yeah, I've already met her parents, but the topic has never come up. After I found out she lied to them, she asked me to lie to them if they ever asked (and not to bring it up, otherwise). It originally came up when she started dating me. Soon as she told her mom she was dating someone, she started with the standard "50 questions", and my GF then proceed to just outright lie to her mom. Yep - she lied to her mom about my age for the same reason; she was afraid her mom would give her the, "he's too old for you" speech. I do realize my age and divorce are not her parents business, but I don't like the idea that she's asking me to lie/not bring things up. I do realize that parents can be critical of their kids. Her's definitely have been of her, from what she's told me...on everything from her weight to what she's going to do for the rest of her life. I'm concerned that if she's not setup proper boundaries for them at 26, it is going to continue to be a problem. I don't think you establish boundaries by lying--either black or white lies--to your parents. At some point, you grow up, face the possibility of disapproval, and decide YOU run your own life. It also seems like a huge red flag that this could spill over into our relationship...that she's going to need to have difficult conversations with me and will simply either avoid them (or lie to me) to avoid possible conflict...
that girl Posted June 9, 2010 Posted June 9, 2010 The lying is very iffy because if you end up a member of her family, she's eventually going to have to explain the lie. But on the other hand, you seem to have started this relationship just as your divorce was finalized, which would set off red flags in many people's heads. I can see why someone would lie, particularly if the relationship wasn't serious yet. Honestly, I see this as less of a red flag (assuming she isn't constantly lying to her parents) than your recent divorce so I think you're being a little hard on her.
harmfulsweetz Posted June 9, 2010 Posted June 9, 2010 I think you should talk with her. It could get very tricky if it keeps up, you may have to explain that you think you should both be upfront with people about who you are, that includes your past, your age and such. I think many people, particularly women, do sometimes avoid telling their parents the truth out of fear of their disapproval. You said that they've been judgemental and rather critical of her in the past, this has to have dented her confidence to a degree whereby maybe she thinks she can't stand up to them when they say something. I don't see her as ashamed, probably more expecting of their reaction to you, and wants to avoid that where she can. That doesn't make it right. But maybe understandable. You should discuss this with her, and say you will not participate in her lies. Neither of you should hide who you are, to anyone.
Eeyore79 Posted June 9, 2010 Posted June 9, 2010 Do her friends know your age and that you're divorced, or is she hiding it from them too? I did exactly the same thing with my ex - I lied to my parents and wanted my bf to lie to them too, because I knew that my parents would hate him if they found out he was older and divorced with kids, and by extension they would be disappointed in me and would pressure me to dump him. I found it kind of humiliating to admit that I was dating a divorced man with kids; ideally I wanted a man who had never been married and had no kids, and eventually I ended the (otherwise good) relationship because of that.
Author ronin73 Posted June 9, 2010 Author Posted June 9, 2010 @Eeyore79 - She doesn't really have any friends, though, I've met some of her co-workers. I'd venture to guess she's treated the situation with them the same as she did with her parents, if it has even come up. @harmfulsweetz - Yeah, we had that discussion and that was pretty much her "reasoning"...she was concerned that her parents would pre-judge me in a negative way if they knew my real age before I met them. When I went on to say that we should come clean about it--now that they've met me--she just kept telling me, "it's none of their business" and kept coming back to that/how it would be worse now that she's lied to them. It all seems a little "I broke the lamp and blamed it on the dog, and now they'll know" to me... @thatgirl - You're saying my getting involved with her right after my divorce was final as more of a red flag? Just trying to make sure I'm following your post.
that girl Posted June 10, 2010 Posted June 10, 2010 Yes, I think starting a relationship when you are very newly divorced is a huge red flag. I would expect her friends and family who know to be very wary about the barely divorced guy she is seeing (after they try to discourage her). While I don't support lying about it, I understand it. Newly divorced is a bad dating sign.
Gentlemen_shadow Posted June 10, 2010 Posted June 10, 2010 To some people age is a huge thing and getting divorced once means it's going to happen again where as if you have never been divorced you must be perfect which of course is not true. I have to say that I agree with you and some of the other posts I've seen where it is bad cause there is a good chance something will come up sometime.... even if they wanna send you a cake for you b-day and someone mentions your real age... and then instead of being the one to tell them even if it was her lie and not yours you are now caught red handed with her. My advice would be have a nice long chat with your girl about why she would lie about that. Yeah it's nice make your life seem better mention smalls details a bit off form time to time maybe but important parts of your past.... may not be worth keeping if she's going to lie about your past and seems ashamed of it That having been said I'm recently turned 20 and my current girlfriend is 27 age is just a number
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