stillafool Posted June 12, 2010 Posted June 12, 2010 So what? YOU SHOULD BE FURIOUS! He has NO RIGHT to be anything but ashamed. Speak only when you have to. Saying you never want to speak to him is not the same thing as HAVING to speak to him to get your divorce. I will ask you to keep this, print it out, and look it out from time to time. This is YOU letting your low self-worth convince yourself that HIS happiness, HIS wants, are more important than your own. This is NOT TRUE. If he loved you, he would care more about YOUR happiness. You know now, in no uncertain terms, that that is unequivocably false. He does NOT care. Therefore, please step back and think about WHY you feel bad. WHY do you continue to place his happiness over yours? Why do you ignore, suppress, bury what YOU need? At the worst moment in your life, instead of letting yourself hurt for yourself, you again bury that and think only of making sure HE is happy (or not upset). This is an important question. One you will need a good therapist to help you find out, ok? I agree with this post. If your h loved you the way you love him he would not do this to you. Your love is not equal and you have to face this. I don't believe that all he did with his OW was collect his things. He should have left them there. Does he really need a cap and those shirts enough to betray you to get them? If they were that important why couldn't he ask you to go with him over there to pick them up? I'll tell you why and it's because he wanted to have his "fix" with the OW. He has no problem putting his "desires" ahead of yours so I will ask you also - Why do you feel his happiness is more important than yours? He hurt and betrayed you and yet you feel bad because you sounded angry in a letter? Lost he even told you that he wished that you had given him an ultimatum. He is telling you there that he wishes you would be stronger and not take his sh--. I think if you would stop crying over him and stand up for yourself he will definitely respect you more. He is and has been treating you like a doormat.
stillafool Posted June 12, 2010 Posted June 12, 2010 You would think, if you've never done it....that leaving a marriage that involved infidelity would be easier than staying. It isnt. Its harder than you think. As a BS of a serial cheater....I know I have to leave. So, I'm doing it . Some days when I am putting one foot in front of the other regarding the whole divorce I wish I didnt have to. Because I love him. He loves me. Because this could have worked. Because in every other aspect..I was very happy with him. Because I dont want to start over. Because ...all , everything. But I'm doing it..sometimes just because regardless of how I feel, I know its the right thing to do. For me. For my daughter. As is often the case...the right thing IS the hard thing. Anyway, just because your spouse treated you badly does not in any way make leaving easier. Not always. I agree. Leaving and starting over is harder than staying and working on the marriage. If you stay, yes it will be hard working through your marital problems but you don't have the stress and expenses of moving to a new place and facing the unknown. That is much harder in my opinion and takes a great deal of courage.
silktricks Posted June 12, 2010 Posted June 12, 2010 I agree. Leaving and starting over is harder than staying and working on the marriage. If you stay, yes it will be hard working through your marital problems but you don't have the stress and expenses of moving to a new place and facing the unknown. That is much harder in my opinion and takes a great deal of courage. I have done both (2 different marriages). I don't think anyone can say which is harder for someone else - you can only say it for yourself. For ME - staying and working on the marriage was much much more difficult. When I left my 1st (serial cheater) husband, I had small children, no place to live and no job. I moved cross country to establish a stable home for all of us and find a job that could pay enough to raise a family. Still, that was a walk in the park compared to the work of rebuilding a troubled marriage - for ME. (Frankly, both take a lot of courage Each takes a different kind of courage, though...)
MizFit Posted June 12, 2010 Posted June 12, 2010 I have done both (2 different marriages). I don't think anyone can say which is harder for someone else - you can only say it for yourself. For ME - staying and working on the marriage was much much more difficult. When I left my 1st (serial cheater) husband, I had small children, no place to live and no job. I moved cross country to establish a stable home for all of us and find a job that could pay enough to raise a family. Still, that was a walk in the park compared to the work of rebuilding a troubled marriage - for ME. (Frankly, both take a lot of courage Each takes a different kind of courage, though...) I moved out with a 3 year old and a job that covered about half of the bills I knew would be coming my way. My parents loaned me some money at the beginning and somehow my boy and I managed it. That was 19 years ago...it was the hardest thing I have ever been through in my life, but I would change none of it. Having said that...I don't think I could go through repairing a marriage after an infidelity. I think I would find it as silktricks is saying...I think it would be such a task for me personally I could not do it. OP...good luck to you...you will survive.
jj33 Posted June 13, 2010 Posted June 13, 2010 Lost, so sorry for your pain. People are happy for you because you took a stand and stood up for yourself and stopped the cycle of him gaslighting you while continuint to see the OW. As scary as the future may seem today, people are happy that you are opening the door to a happier future for yourself. Its perfectly normal to want that text. Its so so disorienting to be betrayed in this way by the person who is supposed to love you most in the world. No matter how clear the evidence, a little part of your brain and your heart wants to believe that there must be some mistake. Its thinking, of course he will call or text and say all the things I need to hear to allow my life to go on as normal. You are a very strong person and you are going to get through this and come out better on the other side. You just have to breathe and get through it day by day. Wishing you all the best jj
White Flower Posted June 13, 2010 Posted June 13, 2010 (edited) i was so mad and hurt and upset about seeing his truck there, in the note i put i never wanted to speak to him again. at the moment i meant it. i feel bad about saying it bc i know that is impossible bc we have to do divorce, and it seems impossible to never speak to him again. i some how feel bad what i did will hurt him. in that moment i was hurting so much maybe i should not have been so angry. i have so much for him, i don't know if it will ever go away. i love him. but i know he doesn't give me much choice, i know its at a point i need to move on. but i do wish him well and don't want to see him unhappy. maybe one day we can talk and close things in a more loving way with each other. i don't know. i'm just hurting. for me, for him, for everything. You remind me of me so DON'T feel bad for hurting him. It is completely understandable the way you lashed out at him. He knows you're in great pain and he knows he has caused it. He can put on his big boy pants and take it if he's a man at all. I'm sorry you're going through this, I really am. Edited June 13, 2010 by White Flower
turnstone Posted June 13, 2010 Posted June 13, 2010 I have done both (2 different marriages). I don't think anyone can say which is harder for someone else - you can only say it for yourself. For ME - staying and working on the marriage was much much more difficult. When I left my 1st (serial cheater) husband, I had small children, no place to live and no job. I moved cross country to establish a stable home for all of us and find a job that could pay enough to raise a family. Still, that was a walk in the park compared to the work of rebuilding a troubled marriage - for ME. (Frankly, both take a lot of courage Each takes a different kind of courage, though...) I think this too. I've even moved country so I could stop his contact once and for all and that took a lot of work, but again, it would have taken far more work to me to stay.
fooled once Posted June 13, 2010 Posted June 13, 2010 thank you all for the reassurance i'm doing the right thing, i need to hear that. and although i don't believe it, your encouraging words are what i'm hoping for. he never text me. which after what i said i don't know why i'm surprised. an i'm sorry would have been nice. its really hard but my friends are really supportive. its like i want him to contact me and tell me all i want to hear, but really what good will it do it isn't like after that he has some sort of clarity. i'm kind of leaping while all these emotions are so fresh and moving forward with getting an apartment and stuff. i've never been completely on my own before and i'm really scared and i just don't trust it will "all be ok" like everyone says. my old boss (and friend) is giving me tough love which is kinda upsetting bc i'm so fragile right now, but he is reassuring i'll have a job waiting on me when i student teaching making about what i make now, and i'll look (and hopefully get) a decent waitress job on top of that. he says i'll make it just fine that people do it everyday, i'm just scared i won't i guess. that is actually my biggest concern is getting and staying on my feet financially right now. i'm jumping without knowing how far down the ground is or what is down there, i feel like nothing will be there to catch my fall and that is very scary. i don't even have a bed or place to sit and i'm gonna get an apartment... which seems a little crazy. but if i don't do it know and i go back to my friends loft... the thought of it just upsets me, it is like a tomb. it may be the more stable thing to do, but i've got to get on my own i think. i'm going to see about getting a small loan for some apartment expenses and found some pretty cheap stuff on craigs list and ikea... if i can't get the loan at the bank, i'm gonna ask my ex boss...which i don't want to do at all but i may have no choice as for my emotional state. i'm a little numb and still a wreck. i'm trying to stay busy and just think of us as over, but its hard. sometimes it comes in this huge wave and i miss him and just hurt so bad. i wondered what he was doing all night last night, if he was ok, how he reacted. i've cried so much and my chest just aches. i'm going to quit stalking the phone records and facebook, bc it will do me no good. i'm just gonna focus on what i have to do. i feel so alone and scared, and i'm hurting so much i feel like a zombie. its hard trusting absolutely nothing or no one, not even yourself. its scary bc i just don't believe its all gonna be ok anymore. i used to be so positive and have faith that everything works out... but i just don't see how i'm gonna just be ok I am glad your friend (ex boss) IS giving you tough love because I think you need it. Yes you are hurting. Yes it is scary. Yes you are in pain. BUT - you are alive. You know without a doubt your H is a liar, a cheater and is someone who can't be trusted. He threw your love for him is your face. He continued to abuse you (mentally) with all the 'honest' talk about the OW, the comparisons, the blaming YOU for HIS issues. And you allowed him to do it. That has GOT TO STOP. You cannot control another person. You didn't make him stick his weiner into someone else. You didn't MAKE him try to reconcile the marriage. You didn't MAKE him break your trust. You didn't MAKE HIM lie to you. You didn't MAKE him go see her. He did that. He knew he could do it because he knew how much you wanted to reconcile. He knew he could continue to do it because of how much you loved him. YOU CANNOT FIX HIM. You cannot make him love you like a partner should love another. Please, please, please DO NOT take him back. Do not see him. Do not talk to him. He will only blame YOU, he will only LIE to you. He will tell you nothing happened. He will blame you for checking his facebook (which is hysterical since he is nothing but a liar and a cheat who proved he couldn't be trusted). You love the idea of who he was. You can't love who he is because he is a gigantic, self centered ass. He doesn't deserve to cut your grass, let alone be married to you. I don't mean to be so harsh, but time to pull up the big girl panties and face it all. The marriage is over. You are finding your OWN place to decorate how YOU like. You will be lonely - but so are millions of other people. You will heal. You will come out stronger. You will find someone who love and respects you -- when the time is right. You will hold your head high. You will not ever again allow someone to disrespect you so badly. YOU WILL SURVIVE!! So many women don't get a 2nd chance at life. So many women would sit and wallow in all this and have the biggest pity party around. You have friends. You have support. You have your LIFE back. No more tip toeing around. No more feeling uneasy and unsure. No more dealing with 'truth' and 'fiction'. Grab the life that is in front of you. You control your destiny now. Go grab it! ((hug))
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