PortuguesePrincess80 Posted June 8, 2010 Posted June 8, 2010 I am happy to hear that your done! I really hope you stick to your guns this time...he really doesnt deserve you and all the crap he's put you through! There really is SO much better out there..you just gotta find it..and once you do..believe me..you'll be thinking what the hell was I thinking! I hope you can get past this soon enough..and I think you may just get past it quicker..since you've been hurt time and time again. Your probably just so drained out...as anyone else would be with this guy and mixed emotions. One things for damn sure though..this guy couldnt care less for you or this chick...and he's basically looking out for number 1..which is himself! Let this dog go..one day he will realize what he gave up..and I sure hope you will be so over IT by then that all you can do is stick up that middle finger and tell him to F OFF!
Author LostIt2010 Posted June 8, 2010 Author Posted June 8, 2010 it doesn't feel like i should be rejoicing like you all. i'm devestated. i'm so very, very sad. i hurt all over. my chest has this huge hole in it. i'm sad for me, i'm sad for him, for all the hurt, i'm sad for everything this has become. all i can do is cry.
Snowflower Posted June 8, 2010 Posted June 8, 2010 I don't think anyone here is 'rejoicing.' Many of us who have followed your threads have been so angry at your husband for repeatedly taking advantage of your love for him. You know LostIt, you will probably always love your husband and that is okay. But right now you need to love yourself more. I know you're hurting so badly...is the advice that you are receiving here not helpful to you?
PortuguesePrincess80 Posted June 8, 2010 Posted June 8, 2010 I'm only rejoicing at the fact that it took him to go back to her for the millionth time and you finally standing up for yourself! Don't think we don't feel your pain...cause I know I do. I just think if my H were to continously put me through what yours has put you through..I would honestly just be thinking of myself (well my kid too) at that point. Its very clear he has no regards for you whatsoever. While back with you for a few days he's comparing your sex life to the one with his OW...and you still gave in..thinking you were the problem. I'm sorry you feel the way you do...but when is enough enough??? How many more days...months and years can you possibly go through this? Your only 28 for goodness sakes! I know it hurts now..and it will for a few days...weeks and possibly months ahead....but please don't fall victim to this piece of crap anymore!
Author LostIt2010 Posted June 8, 2010 Author Posted June 8, 2010 it is. its just everyone is so happy i did it. and all i feel is pain. i wish i remember what happy felt like.
Mimolicious Posted June 8, 2010 Posted June 8, 2010 Not rejoicing at all but you are speaking to a few survivors here! AND YOU TOO WILL SURVIVE and that horrible pain that feels like a brick hit you in your face while you were getting up from a bulldozer going over you, will fade away. The love you have for your H one day may turn into pity.
Mimolicious Posted June 8, 2010 Posted June 8, 2010 it is. its just everyone is so happy i did it. and all i feel is pain. i wish i remember what happy felt like. Think for a second, why aren't you happy? Because someone hurt you and that was your H... now he wont be able to hurt you anymore!
Author LostIt2010 Posted June 8, 2010 Author Posted June 8, 2010 he texted me (he hasn't seen the letter) and asking what was up. i am so emotional i told him i hope he had a nice lunch and it was worth it. and that i just want him to know i love him somuch and i wish he could have loved me. (maybe i shouldn't have said that but i was feeling it so i did) he said i got my hat and some shirts and other things it was worth it. i didn't respond and i've turned my phone off. why did he have to see her to get that and talk in secret about meeting up and their feelings for that. she could have left them in a sack on her porch. why can't he see that
turnera Posted June 8, 2010 Posted June 8, 2010 in the note i put i never wanted to speak to him again. at the moment i meant it. i feel bad about saying it bc i know that is impossible bc we have to do divorce, and it seems impossible to never speak to him again. So what? YOU SHOULD BE FURIOUS! He has NO RIGHT to be anything but ashamed. Speak only when you have to. Saying you never want to speak to him is not the same thing as HAVING to speak to him to get your divorce. i some how feel bad what i did will hurt him. in that moment i was hurting so much maybe i should not have been so angry. I will ask you to keep this, print it out, and look it out from time to time. This is YOU letting your low self-worth convince yourself that HIS happiness, HIS wants, are more important than your own. This is NOT TRUE. If he loved you, he would care more about YOUR happiness. You know now, in no uncertain terms, that that is unequivocably false. He does NOT care. Therefore, please step back and think about WHY you feel bad. WHY do you continue to place his happiness over yours? Why do you ignore, suppress, bury what YOU need? At the worst moment in your life, instead of letting yourself hurt for yourself, you again bury that and think only of making sure HE is happy (or not upset). This is an important question. One you will need a good therapist to help you find out, ok?
PortuguesePrincess80 Posted June 8, 2010 Posted June 8, 2010 He can't see that because hes still stuck in this so called affair fog. As long as shes there enticing him..and hes obviously got no power in himself to stay the hell away...the fact of the matter is..he may have just had another sexcapade with her at lunch and couldnt care less once again. I'm sorry but I love you's to this guy means nothing at this point!
Fight4Me Posted June 8, 2010 Posted June 8, 2010 he texted me (he hasn't seen the letter) and asking what was up. i am so emotional i told him i hope he had a nice lunch and it was worth it. and that i just want him to know i love him somuch and i wish he could have loved me. (maybe i shouldn't have said that but i was feeling it so i did) he said i got my hat and some shirts and other things it was worth it. i didn't respond and i've turned my phone off. why did he have to see her to get that and talk in secret about meeting up and their feelings for that. she could have left them in a sack on her porch. why can't he see that He knew what was up. He's playing dumb and hoping you'll believe he only went over there to get his things. But even if he did, that says a lot about how much he values you and this marriage after you made it clear what would happen if he broke NC. A remorseful spouse will not lie anymore. A remorseful spouse is not wishy-washy about who or what they want. A remorseful spouse will not sneak around, even if it has nothing to do with the AP. A remorseful spouse will do anything to heal their BS. You have a gas lighter on your hands, and not one that is anywhere close to being truly remorseful. I have followed your story from the beginning and my heart truly breaks for you because I know the pain of infidelity myself. Nothing is more painful, except maybe the death of a child, so I know that things seem hopeless, that you will not be able to recover. I wish I could just give you instant reassurance and move time ahead for you. All I can say is we're here for you and sincerely want to see you happy. I envision a time when you'll be here helping someone else through the pain, I really do. Take it hour by hour, day by day... but don't second-guess this decision. You absolutely did the right thing.
Brokenlady Posted June 8, 2010 Posted June 8, 2010 this is after a back and forth of almost 7 months and this is our 4th time to "try" and he has already broke no contact twice in less than a week through texting.. we have been in same house for 2 weeks. and me bluntly saying see or talk to her again and i'm gone. why would he drag me back to do this to me??? My guess is that since you've been through this 4 times with him, he doesn't think you'll enforce your ultimatuum. You have no choice now but to make good on your threat to leave if he continued contact. He made his choice to ignore your ultimatum, now is the time for you to make yours. So sorry this is happening to you. Seems like so many WS's flip flop and flounder when they claim to be committed to reconciling. Another poster here not long ago went thru the same thing. Her WS was in MC with her and trying to work it out for almost a year and then she discovered another hidden cellphone talking about the WS leaving her in text messages. The A never stopped. Please don't waste any more time with your H.
Mimolicious Posted June 8, 2010 Posted June 8, 2010 He knew what was up. He's playing dumb and hoping you'll believe he only went over there to get his things. But even if he did, that says a lot about how much he values you and this marriage after you made it clear what would happen if he broke NC. A remorseful spouse will not lie anymore. A remorseful spouse is not wishy-washy about who or what they want. A remorseful spouse will not sneak around, even if it has nothing to do with the AP. A remorseful spouse will do anything to heal their BS. You have a gas lighter on your hands, and not one that is anywhere close to being truly remorseful. I have followed your story from the beginning and my heart truly breaks for you because I know the pain of infidelity myself. Nothing is more painful, except maybe the death of a child, so I know that things seem hopeless, that you will not be able to recover. I wish I could just give you instant reassurance and move time ahead for you. All I can say is we're here for you and sincerely want to see you happy. I envision a time when you'll be here helping someone else through the pain, I really do. Take it hour by hour, day by day... but don't second-guess this decision. You absolutely did the right thing. This is nothing but the truth! I lived through this for many years and trust me LostIn- you'll be better off without him. My exH invented every single excuse to justify his interaction with that trash (sorry). I was stupid and naive to believe it but one day I got fed up and cut his ass off! My life is 20 times better and so will yours!!!!!!!! Don't fall for his mind games. His hat and things are more important than your feelings. The sad part is that they are. There is nothing you can do to change or control what he does and feels, you can only fence for yourself. There is life after him! Trust me!
Jilly Bean Posted June 8, 2010 Posted June 8, 2010 Lost - I'm so sorry to hear this ONLY for the pain you are in. Otherwise, none of it surprises me, and I am SO proud of you for being strong and taking care of yourself. I was having a conversation with an LS pal about this recently, as we both went through horrible breakups not too long ago. We both felt that when someone does something so beyond repair, it almost makes it easier to move on. I hope you start to feel that way each day. Let your friends and family be there for you, and know that even though none of this makes sense today, I promise you, in time when you are stronger and healed, and live has improved incredibly for you, you will look back and all of this pain and nonsense and grief will be for the greater good. Sometimes we all just too stupid to get out of our own way, so the Universe intervenes and removes a bad egg for us. Consider this a gift.
CrayonAngel Posted June 9, 2010 Posted June 9, 2010 Lost it...reading your posts make me hurt for you. I wish I knew you, so I could be there for you. I know it sounds gay but you just need someone to hug you and listen and assure you that everything will work out. NO ONE should have to feel the pain you are feeling right now, but most of us have been there. PLEASE, don't take him back. GET REVENGE, and you know what the best revenge would be? Let him go to his skanky ass gf on the side, let him be with her...move on and live life to the fullest. He will be unhappy I can PROMISE you that...he will make every attempt to get you back once you have closed your door (I mean really close it) you sound like a girl who has a huge heart and compassion for others, you don't deserve this bull****. he needs to have his teeth kicked in.
whichwayisup Posted June 9, 2010 Posted June 9, 2010 really all that would need to be read in other thread is my first post and my last one. they are planning to meet on their lunch hours, he is of course lying to me about it. i found out through hacking his facebook messages. this is after a back and forth of almost 7 months and this is our 4th time to "try" and he has already broke no contact twice in less than a week through texting.. we have been in same house for 2 weeks. and me bluntly saying see or talk to her again and i'm gone. why would he drag me back to do this to me??? i'm shaking i'm so upset and furious. i just want advice as to best course of action for me next. i'm probably going to see if his truck is there and leave their facebook convo on it... and even though i shouldn't probably an anger filled goodbye note telling him to leave me alone. i work for an atty, so i'm not worried about that. You don't have to file for divorce asap, but definately separate. Talk to a lawyer, just incase. He probably thinks you won't kick him out, that he'll be able to smooth talk you, gaslight you, downplay it all. KICK HIS ASS OUT. Don't talk to him about it, don't let him explain. He is knowingly LYING to you and sneaking off, because he is selfish and hasn't realized consquences. Hasn't felt consquences. Sorry for your pain. Sorry he's being an ass-tool and hurt you all over again.
turnstone Posted June 9, 2010 Posted June 9, 2010 You are doing the right thing. When you feel weak - and you will - come to LS. We may not be much, but we're on your side. This. LostIt, there are so many of us here who have been through exactly what you're feeling now. The utter sense of loss of love, of self, of the world as we thought we knew it, is unbearable. But now is the time to put your big girl panties on and force yourself to do the things that need doing. Get control of your life. Start moving on the financial situation, make sure you have your own money that he has no access to, make sure the bills are up to date and everyone knows that you're separated and that you have no financial obligation to anything to do with him. And then book yourself an appointment for a massage/pedicure/haircut. One of the best things I did for myself (apart from getting checked out for STDs ) was to start treating myself to a massage and a couple of spa treatments. Those tensions I was carrying around and I'm sure you are too, were soothed away, if not permanently then certainly for long enough to appreciate it. You've spent too long not being looked after, you deserve it.
Author LostIt2010 Posted June 9, 2010 Author Posted June 9, 2010 (edited) thank you all for the reassurance i'm doing the right thing, i need to hear that. and although i don't believe it, your encouraging words are what i'm hoping for. he never text me. which after what i said i don't know why i'm surprised. an i'm sorry would have been nice. its really hard but my friends are really supportive. its like i want him to contact me and tell me all i want to hear, but really what good will it do it isn't like after that he has some sort of clarity. i'm kind of leaping while all these emotions are so fresh and moving forward with getting an apartment and stuff. i've never been completely on my own before and i'm really scared and i just don't trust it will "all be ok" like everyone says. my old boss (and friend) is giving me tough love which is kinda upsetting bc i'm so fragile right now, but he is reassuring i'll have a job waiting on me when i student teaching making about what i make now, and i'll look (and hopefully get) a decent waitress job on top of that. he says i'll make it just fine that people do it everyday, i'm just scared i won't i guess. that is actually my biggest concern is getting and staying on my feet financially right now. i'm jumping without knowing how far down the ground is or what is down there, i feel like nothing will be there to catch my fall and that is very scary. i don't even have a bed or place to sit and i'm gonna get an apartment... which seems a little crazy. but if i don't do it know and i go back to my friends loft... the thought of it just upsets me, it is like a tomb. it may be the more stable thing to do, but i've got to get on my own i think. i'm going to see about getting a small loan for some apartment expenses and found some pretty cheap stuff on craigs list and ikea... if i can't get the loan at the bank, i'm gonna ask my ex boss...which i don't want to do at all but i may have no choice as for my emotional state. i'm a little numb and still a wreck. i'm trying to stay busy and just think of us as over, but its hard. sometimes it comes in this huge wave and i miss him and just hurt so bad. i wondered what he was doing all night last night, if he was ok, how he reacted. i've cried so much and my chest just aches. i'm going to quit stalking the phone records and facebook, bc it will do me no good. i'm just gonna focus on what i have to do. i feel so alone and scared, and i'm hurting so much i feel like a zombie. its hard trusting absolutely nothing or no one, not even yourself. its scary bc i just don't believe its all gonna be ok anymore. i used to be so positive and have faith that everything works out... but i just don't see how i'm gonna just be ok Edited June 9, 2010 by LostIt2010
Lecturer Posted June 9, 2010 Posted June 9, 2010 It will be ok. In fact, it will be better than ok - in time you'll be the happiest you've ever been in your life. These difficult times build character. I, too, spent time living on my own, without a bed (without anything besides clothing & a radio/alarm clock), without food or money - those hard times only serve to constantly remind me to appreciate what I now have. You are now growing as a person. You will now know what to look for and what to look out for in future relationships, which improves the likelihood of finally finding a healthy one. You will be the strong person others look towards in times of need because you will have been through this. Just go a day at a time.
turnera Posted June 9, 2010 Posted June 9, 2010 Lost, two years from now, when you are used to paying your own bills and buying your own groceries, and you can pick up and go meet your friends without worrying if exbf will give you a hard time, or you can wake up and know you won't have to mess with his BS and you feel FREE...you will wake up with a smile and feel PROUD of yourself for being on your own and living your life for YOURSELF. I promise. Did I suggest to you that you go to www.unitedway.org? They'll help you find ways to get started. May even help you financially, IDK. Oh, and RESALE shops are your friend! You can furnish an entire apartment at Good Will or a real resale shop for a fraction of the normal cost.
Ann_Igma Posted June 9, 2010 Posted June 9, 2010 I am so sorry you are going through all of this, but I'm glad to see that you are getting stronger. As far as furniture goes, also do a search for Freecycle - if there is a group in your area, you may even be able to find a few pieces of free furniture. They might not be the prettiest, but they'll at least function until you can replace them. *hugs* Things will get better!
turnera Posted June 9, 2010 Posted June 9, 2010 Ooh! I forgot all about freecycle! I love them! I don't know what part of Texas you're in but they do have it here in Houston.
Tea Posted June 9, 2010 Posted June 9, 2010 trust me. things are going to work out for you and I'm glad you have some support and a JOB! Lucky you!!! I was on my own shortly before my h.s. graduation (not by choice, family illness) and I think back and wonder "how the HECK did I do that?!" Holding a full time job, a part time job, and going to night school full time. As soon as it was clear I had nobody to support me, my then emotionally abusive boyfriend of 2 years became physically abusive and I walked away from it...alone... I still wonder, but smile because it IS POSSIBLE!!! Now, here's what is important. I know you want him to tell you everything you want to hear and he might try. DO NOT LOSE SITE OF THIS: It's not about him having a fling with her or picking up his stuff, yadda yadda. This is about him CONTACTING her. PERIOD. Contacting her AFTER you told him NO CONTACT. If his hat and shirts were that important, he could have come to you first and showed you the respect you deserve and say "I have some personal items that are important to me at her place. What do YOU think I should do?" He is trying to make you feel silly about jumping to conclusions about his visit. THAT'S NOT WHAT THIS IS ABOUT. This is about broken promises. He's going to tell you that he would have said something to you but didn't want you to be mad. You are allowed to be mad and you are allowed to have a say in the contact he promised to break. There is NOTHING he could say to you to make you feel guilty about this so stick to your guns. You should not care if he went there and he told her to "get lost" forever. What matters is the initial contact. That's it. Don't let him convince you otherwise. He shouldn't have contacted her without your permission even if her child was at your doorstep and he had to drive him/her back to her place. Yes, this is sad for everybody. His response to you, however, is showing that there still is a lack of respect and he doesn't realize or doesn't CARE what he's doing wrong. Best revenge is to be better. Take the high road. Be a better you oh, and as for my ex who kicked me when I was down, he's still unemployed 12 years later. I trudged through school and am an atty now. I have no feelings for this guy except a little pity when he contacted me last year through FB. Yes, like the Beatles said "you'll always have affection for people and things that went before..." but when you find the right person, that love will consume you and all of this will be the past. Hugs.
Mimolicious Posted June 9, 2010 Posted June 9, 2010 Lost it...reading your posts make me hurt for you. I wish I knew you, so I could be there for you. I know it sounds gay but you just need someone to hug you and listen and assure you that everything will work out. NO ONE should have to feel the pain you are feeling right now, but most of us have been there. PLEASE, don't take him back. GET REVENGE, and you know what the best revenge would be? Let him go to his skanky ass gf on the side, let him be with her...move on and live life to the fullest. He will be unhappy I can PROMISE you that...he will make every attempt to get you back once you have closed your door (I mean really close it) you sound like a girl who has a huge heart and compassion for others, you don't deserve this bull****. he needs to have his teeth kicked in. I endorse it because I lived through it and still am!!! His teeth and b@lls!!!!!!!!
2sure Posted June 9, 2010 Posted June 9, 2010 You would think, if you've never done it....that leaving a marriage that involved infidelity would be easier than staying. It isnt. Its harder than you think. As a BS of a serial cheater....I know I have to leave. So, I'm doing it . Some days when I am putting one foot in front of the other regarding the whole divorce I wish I didnt have to. Because I love him. He loves me. Because this could have worked. Because in every other aspect..I was very happy with him. Because I dont want to start over. Because ...all , everything. But I'm doing it..sometimes just because regardless of how I feel, I know its the right thing to do. For me. For my daughter. As is often the case...the right thing IS the hard thing. Anyway, just because your spouse treated you badly does not in any way make leaving easier. Not always.
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