LostIt2010 Posted June 8, 2010 Posted June 8, 2010 trying to make a decision on what to do, and follow through with in the 'Sex After an Affair' thread. please any advice and experience would be helpful. i'm running off pure emotion and want to make the best choice of action. i'm at my breaking point. whatever i do i will be able to stick with.
Spark1111 Posted June 8, 2010 Posted June 8, 2010 Let him go. For your sake and your sanity. You cannot fix him. He can only fix himself. He is broken and confused. And because you have been so kind to him, so loving and forgiving towards him, you are now broken and confused too. Get away and save yourself. Step outside of his drama and confusion. Don't engage in the triangle anymore. Take your angle out of it, permanently.
scatterd Posted June 8, 2010 Posted June 8, 2010 So sorry you are going through this.Have you both been to counseling?i would not put up with this.For some reason he is doing as he pleases with out caring what happens.My husband did the same thing we argued for months I got to the point I just wanted out and did not want anything to do with him.It was like a switch being turned on.I would not talk to him,I pushed him away when he wanted to kiss,I would not say I loved him when he said he loved me, I told him I was leaving to do as he pleases but leave me alone all of a sudden he was the guy he was before.We have been going to counseling and have not argued lately.It seems when you finely quit caring and just want to leave and have your own life they change their mind.I know how it feels It is draining.I wish I had the answers but the only answer I do have is to not put up with it show him the door.Good luck I hope it works in your favor.
califnan Posted June 8, 2010 Posted June 8, 2010 I didn't participate in the other thread, so I don't know what was said in the way of comments. I just read your original post on that thread. And what comes to mind is that the wife doesn't have to compete with the OW. I believe that since marriage is under God - there is a great Respect for the union, and that the marriage and the wife is to be cherished. Your husband must decide which woman he wishes to be with - It isn't for you to compete.
silverplanets Posted June 8, 2010 Posted June 8, 2010 trying to make a decision on what to do, and follow through with in the 'Sex After an Affair' thread. please any advice and experience would be helpful. i'm running off pure emotion and want to make the best choice of action. i'm at my breaking point. whatever i do i will be able to stick with. you might want to consider seeing a good lawyer if you haven't already .. and when I see good I mean one who will listen and understand where you are coming from (not one who says just "let's go get him") ... At the end of the day D proceedings can be stopped if he wants to come back and you want to accept him ... but if he's still seeing her then why would you stop proceedings .. So my advice, go talk to a lawyer .. at least they will give you real options and paths to follow ... Lots of sympathy for you Chris
Author LostIt2010 Posted June 8, 2010 Author Posted June 8, 2010 really all that would need to be read in other thread is my first post and my last one. they are planning to meet on their lunch hours, he is of course lying to me about it. i found out through hacking his facebook messages. this is after a back and forth of almost 7 months and this is our 4th time to "try" and he has already broke no contact twice in less than a week through texting.. we have been in same house for 2 weeks. and me bluntly saying see or talk to her again and i'm gone. why would he drag me back to do this to me??? i'm shaking i'm so upset and furious. i just want advice as to best course of action for me next. i'm probably going to see if his truck is there and leave their facebook convo on it... and even though i shouldn't probably an anger filled goodbye note telling him to leave me alone. i work for an atty, so i'm not worried about that.
sally4sara Posted June 8, 2010 Posted June 8, 2010 If you are not ready to go the route of divorce or leaving if you're not married to this guy..... Expose expose expose! Everyone the two of you deal with should know about it. Parents, friends, coworkers. If she works with him, a nice chat with the HR head is in order. Sure he and her might lose their jobs, but what does his job matter to you if the relationship ends? And since she doesn't seem to care if YOU lose you position in the relationship, you don't need to care if she loses her position either.
Lecturer Posted June 8, 2010 Posted June 8, 2010 Lostit2010 - I told you this would happen. You know how I feel. Stop being an enabler, stop being a carpet. You know what you need to do.
califnan Posted June 8, 2010 Posted June 8, 2010 LostIt, It happens when you have finally had enough - and it looks as if you have.
califnan Posted June 8, 2010 Posted June 8, 2010 i just want advice as to best course of action for me next. i'm probably going to see if his truck is there and leave their facebook convo on it... and even though i shouldn't probably an anger filled goodbye note telling him to leave me alone. QUOTE] --------------------- In the situation of a marriage, I think everything should be done in face to face communication - and putting your thoughts together as to exactly how this has affected you, and what he has done to you, and in not honoring you or the marriage.
silktricks Posted June 8, 2010 Posted June 8, 2010 Don't put any more energy into attempting to reconcile this marriage. He has hurt you beyond recovery, IMO. Just leave. Get a divorce. Try your best to not carry the stain of this relationship on into your future. Take care of yourself and thank your lucky stars that you have no children so need have NO further contact with him for the rest of your life. You'll do fine, you just need to have some rest and some space so you can recover.
Tea Posted June 8, 2010 Posted June 8, 2010 My heart breaks for you. I know you've asked for guidance and you have your options. I've learned that the opposite of love is not hate/anger/emotional outbursts...it's indifference. Of course, you still love him and you are on this emotional roller coaster, but I think you need to pull yourself together. He has been manipulating you. He has sweet-talked you while still giving the OW some kind of show of respect and support while he should be 100% devoted to you. About the details, well, yes, the truth hurts and you probably thought you wanted to know the details as painful as they are. However, he is still communicating with her which is betraying you. They don't need closure. Neither do you. He gave it to you once he communicated with her through Facebook. Here is what I think you should do. Just sit at the table and wait for him to come home. Gather your thoughts perfectly. Don't yell. Don't scream. Don't cry. Just say matter-of-factly "You betrayed me for the last time. You first betrayed me by ____, again by _________, and then ______ yet I still pushed for us because of our history together. You've made me feel inadequate and inferior. Now, you cannot even give me the respect I believe I've earned after giving our marriage another shot. You've shown me that you do not appreciate, respect, or deserve me. You could say you love me, but I need somebody that will respect me for my own dignity." Then show the facebook messages and a pic of his truck in front of her house and say "this is not respect. I got an apartment. My boss is drafting the decree. This is over. If you need to talk about any details, contact my lawyer." You need to be done. You expressed regret for not letting him go in the past. Let him simmer in what he has cooked up. Give it at least 3 months. Focus on yourself. He is clearly not going to let her go without something drastic.
silktricks Posted June 8, 2010 Posted June 8, 2010 I've learned that the opposite of love is not hate/anger/emotional outbursts...it's indifference. Of course, you still love him and you are on this emotional roller coaster, but I think you need to pull yourself together. Indifference will come, but it will take time. You can't get there (usually) when you are being treated as badly as Lost is being treated. {snip} Here is what I think you should do. Just sit at the table and wait for him to come home. Gather your thoughts perfectly. Don't yell. Don't scream. Don't cry. Just say matter-of-factly "You betrayed me for the last time. You first betrayed me by ____, again by _________, and then ______ yet I still pushed for us because of our history together. You've made me feel inadequate and inferior. Now, you cannot even give me the respect I believe I've earned after giving our marriage another shot. You've shown me that you do not appreciate, respect, or deserve me. You could say you love me, but I need somebody that will respect me for my own dignity." Then show the facebook messages and a pic of his truck in front of her house and say "this is not respect. I got an apartment. My boss is drafting the decree. This is over. If you need to talk about any details, contact my lawyer." This is IMO really great advice You need to be done. You expressed regret for not letting him go in the past. Let him simmer in what he has cooked up. Give it at least 3 months. Focus on yourself. He is clearly not going to let her go without something drastic. Do not even THINK this way. Make it be over for you, otherwise you stay on the merry-go-round that is decidedly NOT merry. Leave him and stay left. Don't consider ANY possibility of a future with him, as that is the path you've gone down too many times. Treat yourself as you are, a valuable wonderful human who has been traumatized beyond bearing. Take care of yourself and let this mockery of a marriage be over.
califnan Posted June 8, 2010 Posted June 8, 2010 Here is what I think you should do. Just sit at the table and wait for him to come home. Gather your thoughts perfectly. Don't yell. Don't scream. Don't cry. Just say matter-of-factly "You betrayed me for the last time. You first betrayed me by ____, again by _________, and then ______ yet I still pushed for us because of our history together. You've made me feel inadequate and inferior. Now, you cannot even give me the respect I believe I've earned after giving our marriage another shot. You've shown me that you do not appreciate, respect, or deserve me. Then show the facebook messages and a pic of his truck in front of her house and say "this is not respect. QUOTE] ------------------------- I like a statement - such as this, as well..
Disintegration Posted June 8, 2010 Posted June 8, 2010 I think you have been put through enough. He plans on seeing her and I'm sure more inappropriate actions will ensue. He is lying to you yet again. He doesn't know that you know what he is up to. I think you should confront him about it and leave him for good. He isn't trying to reconcile and do what he needs to be done to salvage your marriage. I think you should continue with your divorce.
PhoenixRise Posted June 8, 2010 Posted June 8, 2010 Lostit I feel like you are hoping that somehow someone will give you the magic bullet to get your husband to SEE. To SEE what he is doing. To see what he is losing. to see how much you love him. To See.. He sees it. You have to accept that he knows exactly what he is doing. He is not the same man you married anymore. The more you put your heart out there, expecting him to be that man, the more you will hurt. He wants both. He is doing everything in his power to make sure he gets both. You can't control him. But you have choices. You can accept that he will do anything he has to (lie, hurt your feelings, run around behind your back, etc,) to make sure he has what he wants (both) and just accept that this is what your relationship will be and Live with it until OW gets sick of it and goes away (and she may never do this). OR you have to face the pain of losing him and walk away. These are really your only choices.
Tea Posted June 8, 2010 Posted June 8, 2010 Indifference will come, but it will take time. You can't get there (usually) when you are being treated as badly as Lost is being treated. {snip} This is IMO really great advice Do not even THINK this way. Make it be over for you, otherwise you stay on the merry-go-round that is decidedly NOT merry. Leave him and stay left. Don't consider ANY possibility of a future with him, as that is the path you've gone down too many times. Treat yourself as you are, a valuable wonderful human who has been traumatized beyond bearing. Take care of yourself and let this mockery of a marriage be over. In all honesty, I do agree that you should move on and don't look back. Sometimes it's easier to just take it day-by-day or week-by-week. Mentally saying "okay, three months it's just me and no contact" you'll find you're in a better place months down the line with a clear head and not just mourning the loss that forever brings with it. Writing on LS helps, but see if you could start keeping a journal about all of this. That way, whenever you get the feeling of going back for more, you remember how hurt you are and how you are feeling right now. The only reason I mention this is because you did express remorse about not cutting ties before and being in this sad position. I believe when you are cheated on, the feeling you have is rejection. All you want is to no longer feel rejected. Want him to want you over her and see how hurt you are. Please don't see it this way. You did nothing wrong. Your husband, who vowed to spend his life with you and only you, strayed. While, it's forgivable (and forgiveness is ultimately what you have to do, but tolerating the behavior while in the marriage you absolutely do not), he is not looking to be forgiven. He is looking for you to accept and trust him while he continues with this other woman. Sure, he told the other woman that their relationship may not go anywhere because he may want to go back with you, but he never said "listen, we are over because I want to fully commit to my wife." He basically put out some bait to see if she'll be okay with being more careful and still want him. He needs the ego boost. She gives it to him. He contacted her. He did not tell you. He hopes you won't find out. He's not looking for forgiveness, he's hoping for your ignorance. That's an insult to your intelligence and trust. I do hope you gather some strength and focus on your needs for now. Your needs should not include making him want you. It should be your needs without him in your life. It's a powerful thing to find yourself and realize how strong and amazing you really are.
Mimolicious Posted June 8, 2010 Posted June 8, 2010 Let him go. For your sake and your sanity. You cannot fix him. He can only fix himself. He is broken and confused. And because you have been so kind to him, so loving and forgiving towards him, you are now broken and confused too. Get away and save yourself. Step outside of his drama and confusion. Don't engage in the triangle anymore. Take your angle out of it, permanently. Where were you when I needed you???!!! LostIn2010- this is good advice here. Wish you well!
Author LostIt2010 Posted June 8, 2010 Author Posted June 8, 2010 (edited) his truck was there. maybe it was good for me to see it, see them knowing they were in her apt so close to me parked outside bc it made me so sick to my stomach and so upset i actually got sick. i left and went to our house and packed everything i had. only thing left in house of mine is kitchen table and chairs and my grandmas dishes. i have 3 appts tomorrow of apts to look at and my ex boss has said he has job i can do at home for what i'm making now, i'm going to get a waitress job on top of that while i student teach. my ex boss (who has known me since i was 18) is also a friend and very well off. he said he would loan me money if i needed it to get on my feet. i'm thinking of taking him up on his offer and borrowing $1000 for furntiture and necessities for getting on my feet and on my own, then paying back $150 a month to him. I'm staying with my friend tonight. She has been there through it all and very comforting while helping me be strong too. I don't know what he will do when he gets the letter and facebook proof when he gets home. we haven't spoken any today, except for this morning where he said he wasn't talking about it and we can just talk later. i wasn't honest with him about knowing what i knew and feel bad for it, but he wasn't honest either and drove me to it. i was very hurt and lashed out in the letter. but what did he expect. i really hope he just leaves me alone. he will either do that or text me lashing out in anger which will hurt but i will just ignore. what else is there to say i'm numb. i just want to run away. i can't even put into words how hurt and devestated i am. Edited June 8, 2010 by LostIt2010
silktricks Posted June 8, 2010 Posted June 8, 2010 You are doing the right thing. When you feel weak - and you will - come to LS. We may not be much, but we're on your side.
Mimolicious Posted June 8, 2010 Posted June 8, 2010 his truck was there. maybe it was good for me to see it, see them knowing they were in her apt so close to me parked outside bc it made me so sick to my stomach and so upset i actually got sick. i left and went to our house and packed everything i had. only thing left in house of mine is kitchen table and chairs and my grandmas dishes. i have 3 appts tomorrow of apts to look at and my ex boss has said he has job i can do at home for what i'm making now, i'm going to get a waitress job on top of that while i student teach. my ex boss (who has known me since i was 18) is also a friend and very well off. he said he would loan me money if i needed it to get on my feet. i'm thinking of taking him up on his offer and borrowing $1000 for furntiture and necessities for getting on my feet and on my own, then paying back $150 a month to him. I'm staying with my friend tonight. She has been there through it all and very comforting while helping me be strong too. I don't know what he will do when he gets the letter and facebook proof when he gets home. we haven't spoken any today, except for this morning where he said he wasn't talking about it and we can just talk later. i wasn't honest with him about knowing what i knew and feel bad for it, but he wasn't honest either and drove me to it. i was very hurt and lashed out in the letter. but what did he expect. i really hope he just leaves me alone. he will either do that or text me lashing out in anger which will hurt but i will just ignore. what else is there to say i'm numb. i just want to run away. i can't even put into words how hurt and devestated i am. LostIt, from the bottom of my heart, I really wish I had a magic wand right this sec to make this all go away. I have been there many times and I know exactly how you feel. (((BIG HUG))) Just know that you may not understand it now, btu one day you will look back and laugh at this and you will see those who caused you this pain get what they deserve. I really wish you strength and keep your head up.
Snowflower Posted June 8, 2010 Posted June 8, 2010 i'm numb. i just want to run away. i can't even put into words how hurt and devestated i am. (((LostIt2010))) You don't even have to try to put this into words...many of us have been where you are and we understand. It seems like you have options and a plan on what to do next. That's good. At least you know you did everything you could to save your marriage. When you look back on this incredibly painful episode in your life, you will know that you took the high road-that you did everything you could but in the end it wasn't to be. Even the most painful lessons in life have something to teach us and believe it or not, eventually you will look back on this and realize that you learned more about who you are and what your life is supposed to be like. There are better things out there for you, I promise!
Author LostIt2010 Posted June 8, 2010 Author Posted June 8, 2010 i was so mad and hurt and upset about seeing his truck there, in the note i put i never wanted to speak to him again. at the moment i meant it. i feel bad about saying it bc i know that is impossible bc we have to do divorce, and it seems impossible to never speak to him again. i some how feel bad what i did will hurt him. in that moment i was hurting so much maybe i should not have been so angry. i have so much for him, i don't know if it will ever go away. i love him. but i know he doesn't give me much choice, i know its at a point i need to move on. but i do wish him well and don't want to see him unhappy. maybe one day we can talk and close things in a more loving way with each other. i don't know. i'm just hurting. for me, for him, for everything.
Mimolicious Posted June 8, 2010 Posted June 8, 2010 (((LostIt2010))) You don't even have to try to put this into words...many of us have been where you are and we understand. It seems like you have options and a plan on what to do next. That's good. At least you know you did everything you could to save your marriage. When you look back on this incredibly painful episode in your life, you will know that you took the high road-that you did everything you could but in the end it wasn't to be. Even the most painful lessons in life have something to teach us and believe it or not, eventually you will look back on this and realize that you learned more about who you are and what your life is supposed to be like. There are better things out there for you, I promise! Whoa! You just brought tears to my eyes, because this is such a TRUE STORY!!!!! LostIt seems to be stronger than she thinks. She's got a game plan and is executing it, she will be in a better place in no time. Any place is a better place than in that dark-room full of lies and infidelity. ((HUGS))
Lecturer Posted June 8, 2010 Posted June 8, 2010 You're taking the first steps towards happiness. That is very fortunate about the stuff with your ex-boss... my wife could kill for a job she could do at home! Come here for strength whenever you need it. Strength to get through things, and strength to avoid talking to your EX again.
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