Oceanblue47 Posted June 8, 2010 Posted June 8, 2010 I would like to thank the all the people that responded and posted their remarks, it is now four months since I uncovered my partners affair, We are still together (as we have two school age children) remorse, regret are still not part of the equation. The affair is definitely over, she discovered the OM mobile phone number in my wallet recently and removed it, ( I was thinking I might need it) she put on a "song and dance" and said she and I do not want to remember this, so I let it go Then last Friday I discover (late one night) that she texted the O/M. I was taken aback by this, a short message (its so wintery here, here is a hug, have a cuddly weekend) I asked if you wanted to remove any trace of O/M why did you text him, she said he never responds to her texts anyway, so why did you send it I asked? she is obviously in the _affair fog_ but I emotionally tiring from this rollercoaster The O/M is married with 2 18 / 20 year old children he has retracted to his M and has had no contact of any kind, will she snap 2, or should I plan my separation? "My eyes are on the sparrow"
Windsurf66 Posted June 8, 2010 Posted June 8, 2010 Her attitude after the discovery of her affair has been extremely poor. And she has told you that she is not in love with you. Have you both gone for MC? If not, why not? How abt give her one last chance. Dun tell her its her last chance, but emphasize to her that you absolutely do not want any form of contact betw her and OM. If she contacts the OM again, or she refuses to go for MC, then I guess the option is to file for divorce. If after you have filed, and she still shows no remorse and regret at all, then I think you know yr marriage is gone
scatterd Posted June 8, 2010 Posted June 8, 2010 Does the MM wife know about this?I would let her give it to her.You need to let her go if she does not stop. you deserve respect and love.You both need counseling my husband and I are going it seems to be helping.I hope all gos well with you.Good luck
silverplanets Posted June 8, 2010 Posted June 8, 2010 I would like to thank the all the people that responded and posted their remarks, it is now four months since I uncovered my partners affair, We are still together (as we have two school age children) remorse, regret are still not part of the equation. The affair is definitely over, she discovered the OM mobile phone number in my wallet recently and removed it, ( I was thinking I might need it) she put on a "song and dance" and said she and I do not want to remember this, so I let it go Then last Friday I discover (late one night) that she texted the O/M. I was taken aback by this, a short message (its so wintery here, here is a hug, have a cuddly weekend) I asked if you wanted to remove any trace of O/M why did you text him, she said he never responds to her texts anyway, so why did you send it I asked? she is obviously in the _affair fog_ but I emotionally tiring from this rollercoaster The O/M is married with 2 18 / 20 year old children he has retracted to his M and has had no contact of any kind, will she snap 2, or should I plan my separation? "My eyes are on the sparrow" Maybe she's just feeling down and very lonely .. maybe at a low moment ??? I KNOW this is NO excuse but it might be the case. Your problem is, if what she says is true, then the only reason it's not escalating again is because he is not re-engaging. She's basically touting herself as available ... and when the message sinks in that he is not interested where is her attention fix going to come from. Sounds like there is a serious issue under here of her needing attention or her feeling alienated in the marriage. Surely it needs to be discussed by you two (and a counsellor) and worked through ... I think you have a fair reason to understand why she is texting. Bear in mind that she may not actually know the reason for sure.
Passion4Life Posted June 8, 2010 Posted June 8, 2010 I would like to thank the all the people that responded and posted their remarks, it is now four months since I uncovered my partners affair, We are still together (as we have two school age children) remorse, regret are still not part of the equation. The affair is definitely over, she discovered the OM mobile phone number in my wallet recently and removed it, ( I was thinking I might need it) she put on a "song and dance" and said she and I do not want to remember this, so I let it go Then last Friday I discover (late one night) that she texted the O/M. I was taken aback by this, a short message (its so wintery here, here is a hug, have a cuddly weekend) I asked if you wanted to remove any trace of O/M why did you text him, she said he never responds to her texts anyway, so why did you send it I asked? she is obviously in the _affair fog_ but I emotionally tiring from this rollercoaster The O/M is married with 2 18 / 20 year old children he has retracted to his M and has had no contact of any kind, will she snap 2, or should I plan my separation? "My eyes are on the sparrow" My friend I have read your previous posts too , from your wife's attitude it seems she doesn't care about you at all . Get some courage , tell her that as she hurt you so badly & still doing it without any remorse , you have decided to divorce her . Let her see some consequences of her actions else she will keep treating you like a doormat . It looks she will resume the affair once the OM is available . Dont allow her to treat you so badly . Best of luck
Passion4Life Posted June 8, 2010 Posted June 8, 2010 Maybe she's just feeling down and very lonely .. maybe at a low moment ??? I KNOW this is NO excuse but it might be the case. Your problem is, if what she says is true, then the only reason it's not escalating again is because he is not re-engaging. She's basically touting herself as available ... and when the message sinks in that he is not interested where is her attention fix going to come from. Sounds like there is a serious issue under here of her needing attention or her feeling alienated in the marriage. Surely it needs to be discussed by you two (and a counsellor) and worked through ... I think you have a fair reason to understand why she is texting. Bear in mind that she may not actually know the reason for sure. She is texting because she wants to continue the affair but OM is not responding . So once he is available they are going to be together again . It doesn't look like she is even slightly bothered about her husband or faimly .
RobD70 Posted June 8, 2010 Posted June 8, 2010 I have a feeling you are being too much like the “nice guy” or doormat and she has lost all respect for you. She thinks you are pathetic so you have to man up and change that. If I was in your sitch, I would start preparing for a divorce. Mind you it may never come to that but you have to show her you are not to be disrespected anymore. Start pulling back emotionally asap and look into the filing process of a divorce where you are at. Tell her you are not happy with how things are and you think it’s best if you separate. Without you or the OM to run too she should panic. No more second or last chances, those are just pleads to by time or change the subject. Time to bring out the big guns and show her who's boss. For your marriage to be saved, SHE has to save it. You have to basically dump her and she has to do everything in her power to stop you. If she doesn’t then it was already over. You filing for a divorce and showing her you are serious will wake her up and if she has any feelings left for you they should surface. As long as you do nothing or try to fix the marriage yourself all you’ll end up doing is enabling her to treat you like dirt. Once you stand up to her she’ll think twice about that.
scatterd Posted June 9, 2010 Posted June 9, 2010 I agree with Rob she assumes she can do as she pleases and you are going to keep allowing it.Show her where the bears **** in the woods.Go a it and if she does not change let her MM support her which wont happen.Have you told his wife she needs to know also and tell her she is calling. Good Luck
Mombot Posted June 9, 2010 Posted June 9, 2010 Does the BS always need to know about the A? If the marriage is not good on it's own, is this necessary? What is constructive about that?
Windsurf66 Posted June 9, 2010 Posted June 9, 2010 Does the BS always need to know about the A? If the marriage is not good on it's own, is this necessary? What is constructive about that? Yes, its necessary. To cut the BS's financial losses, get rid of the WS early and find someone who is worthwhile to start over again. Why stay with an unfaithful wife and suffer emotionally, psychologically, physically and financially.
seibert253 Posted June 9, 2010 Posted June 9, 2010 Here's my opinion on what I would do if I were in your situation, oh, almost forgot I was in your situation once. This worked for me: 1. Grow a set of nads and be the strong man she really deep down inside wants. 2. Tell her your relationship will not heal while there's three people involved in it; you, your lady, and the OM. Someone needs to go by by. 3. Make it crystal clear to her that ANY further contact with the OM is totally unacceptable. Any further contact on her part will result in an end to you relationship, (be prepared to back this up) 4. Tell her if she wants to be in a committed relationship with you, she is to send the OM and NC text, email, letter, whatever, and you are to watch her do this. You also will proof read it. This NC letter should be simple and to the point; "I have committed to repairing my relationship with XXXX, and in order to do this I can no longer have any contact whatsover with you. I will never contact you again and I request you do the same. If you attempt to contact me in any fashion, I will immediately tell XXXX". That's it, nothing more, nothing less. 5. She needs to be totally transparent to you in everything. You should have free and open access to all email accounts, cell phones, everything. 6. Both of you should be in IC and couples counseling to find out why this happened, and what both of you need to do to repair your relationship, and insure this never happens again. These "demands" and not negotible. Make it clear this is what you require from her in order to remain in your relationship. Let her know anything less, shows you she's not 100% committed to repairing the damage SHE caused, and she's not 100% committed to you. Anything less than 100% is not acceptable. Be prepared to walk away from the table if she balks and tell her you will end your relationship unless she's committed to being in it.
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