My anxiety is ruining my life.

[Nikki Sahagin]

This is something I find very difficult to talk about, especially in real life, so please be kind with me.

 

I have lived with anxiety all of my life since childhood. I don't really know why or how it all began. I have an incredibly loving and wonderful family who have given me anything and everything i've ever wanted. I would become anxious as soon as I left them. My first memory of primary school is feeling like I was in a prison and that my mum had abandoned me. I would bite my nails until they bled and wouldn't even be able to answer my name to the register. I was incredibly shy and timid but was able to make friends, I would never go out anywhere with them though as this made me nervous. I hated PE and drama (public speaking) - these things filled me with dread. Whenever I was nervous, I would be unable to eat and so for most of primary school I would not eat breakfast. I would even be afraid to stay at peoples houses. The ways my nerves manifested physically were in biting my nails, not eating, washing my hands and frequently needing the toilet. I would worry about dentist appointments and school trips MONTHS in advance, being unable to sleep and having reoccuring nightmates. The panic would be so intense I would do nothing on my weekends or summer holidays because to me the school year consisted completely of fear, panic and dread. I tried to explain this to my parents but I didn't know at the time what was wrong with me, or even that there WAS anything wrong with me. I became good at hiding; home was my refuge and I escaped into books and movies. To some extent I created a fantasy world so that when I stopped living in the real world, I had my world to live in - I wasn't just alone. I became amazing at creating characters and worlds and animals. I also created the ideal me, the me I wanted to be; beautiful and brave, who travelled the world and was carefree and could do anything.

 

My anxiety seemed to calm down when I started secondary school. For the first 2 years I was 'okay'. I remember seeing a lot of things I didn't like; our school had a lot of black students and a lot of them were INCREDIBLY racist. I'd never experienced anything like this before. The teachers were ineffectual, students rude and cruel. I was going through my awkward teen phase and my timidness came back. I hated performing drama in front of people like this - it was like torture. I hated PE also just because for me exercise has always helped bring on my panic. Well I began to feel nervous EVERY week for PE and drama and in the end had to make excuses to avoid participation; it became so awful in the end that I had to lie I was ill and sit in the medical room. I am naturally thin anyway but because of the lack of eating I lost a lot of weight. I would be sick every morning before school. I just felt like my life was hell. I would have to go home a lot and the relief when I sat in the car was amazing. At the same time, I went from intense emotions to feeling completely flat, but feeling flat was a relief from the pain. I spent sleepless nights crying, days not eating, no-one understanding. My dad is very no nonsense and my mum very happy - no matter how often I tried, they just didn't 'get it' so I gave up and resigned myself to the fact I would never lead a normal life because I had this 'curse' or 'illness' or 'habit' - whatever it was.

 

To cut the story short, I am 21 now and my anxiety is STILL going. Because for me, I always have a choking/gagging sensation from panic, I drink a lot, I always have a bottle of water and I HAVE to chew something. This seems to alleviate the panic. But there are situations where you can't drink or chew...and these situations cause the most panic for me.

 

I hit my rock bottom when I went away on holiday just recently, and had a TERRIBLE panic attack; I couldn't leave my hotel room, so them I became terrified of the journey home, the flight, everything. It was awful and seriously felt like hell.

 

I've tried CBT with a really lovely therapist, betablockers, a short duration of diazepam (2 days) and natural anxiety remedies, nothing has helped. I'm beginning to feel I can't take anymore. I'd rather die than live this half a life...not that I would ever do that, but its like watching myself die slowly, just living in so much fear. I even work myself up into a mad frenzy just seeing the doctor to even try to ask about this; I sit in the waiting room panicking and crying. I can't get a grip. My anxiety effects me massively phyiscally, moreso than mentally, are there any other solutions for me?

[Nightshades Thorns]

hello, im brand new to posting so if I dont use the correct abbr please excuse me.

 

I was very pleased that you are seeking professional care, just keep in mind that each medication is very different, even within their respective categories. Just b/c one SSRI didnt work doesnt mean that another wont. It's been proven that the best results occur when medication is combined w therapy. sometimes it can just take a bit to find the right med and the right therapist. Have you ever considered/tried hypnosis?

 

I truely sympathize w you, I have a mild version of social anxiety.

[asrgal]

Def. get professional help. You have to want to make the first steps and have someone help guide you, which it will make you feel really good in the end knowing you made it through by yourself. And you will have the tools to deal with the anxiety in the future.

 

Also find something that relaxes you, if it is yoga, reading etc.

 

I also suggest reading the book Living in the Now - it teaches you some techniques of letting go of the past and not worry so much about tomorrow.

 

Good Luck!

[SouthernSunshine]

I can't stand the thought of paying someone to listen to me, but in your case, it wouldn't hurt. Opening up will make you feel a lot better. I was on the medication Zoloft, and it really helped with my anxiety, but I hated the side effects so I stopped taking it. I still get nervous sometimes around a crowd of people, unless I'm drinking.. but I've mad a LOT of progress just living. One day I realized that people don't give a hoot what I'm doing, how I walk, or what I'm saying to someone else unless it involves them. People aren't watching my every move.

 

Zoloft will help you come out of your shell, as long as you're not a sexually active person, (NO sex drive is a side effect)... the medication should work fine! Talk to your parents about therapy. Good luck!

[EricaH329]

Is there a reason why you took diazepam for only 2 days? Are you against medication or did it not work for you?

 

I, too, have suffered from anxiety since I was 18. I was put on Paxil and Xanax for about a year. It worked. I am now off Paxil, but still occasionally take Xanax when I feel my anxiety beginning to come back. I no longer have anxiety to the extent I once had it.

 

Have you taken medication (narcotics) for a long period of time before? If not, I suggest doing so. I know that not too many people are keen on the idea of taking medication, especially for long periods of time, but when it gets to the point that are you at... you really have no other choice.

[Nightshades Thorns]

I can't stand the thought of paying someone to listen to me, but in your case, it wouldn't hurt. Opening up will make you feel a lot better. I was on the medication Zoloft, and it really helped with my anxiety, but I hated the side effects so I stopped taking it. I still get nervous sometimes around a crowd of people, unless I'm drinking.. but I've mad a LOT of progress just living. One day I realized that people don't give a hoot what I'm doing, how I walk, or what I'm saying to someone else unless it involves them. People aren't watching my every move.

 

Zoloft will help you come out of your shell, as long as you're not a sexually active person, (NO sex drive is a side effect)... the medication should work fine! Talk to your parents about therapy. Good luck!

 

 

 

(FYI: Wellbutrin is often prescribed in tandum w Zoloft, Paxil, etc, b/c it will stop the loss of sex drive)

[Nightshades Thorns]

I would just like to voice a word of caution: It is not uncommon for those who suffer from anxiety to self medicate w alcohol or drugs, (I fell into this trap for a while). Alcohol is often refered to as "the poor mans Xanax) Obviously meds such as Xanax are very effective,as long as prescribed and taken appropriately. I have several friends that self medicate w Xanax and it often causes more problems than it fixes. Im soo not anti-meds, but they need to be taken responsibly

[melodymatters]

I don't really like SSRI's either, but what they can do is retrain your brain in a way. I went on paxil back when my anxiety was high and it helped quell it. So, when I got off a year later, my mind and body were used to functioning without the panic and anxiety.

 

My experiences were similar to Erica's above.

 

Also before ssri's I was on a low dose of buspar, which is a very mild, non narcotic who's only purpose is to quell anxiety.

 

Good luck, keep trying, I know how awful it can be. Some good news is that anxiety seems to be at it's strongest in ones 20's and seems to decrease with age.

[Feelin Frisky]

Chronic anxiety and panic attacks are often the result of under-production of GABA (GABA-amino-buteric-acid) 80% of which the brain is absolutely dependent upon. The prevailing medical treatment is to prescribe a manufactured drug instead of a "supplement". GABA capsules are sold in health food stores and in on-line vitamin outlets. There's nothing to stop you from experimenting with these supplements. I find the usual 500 mg cap to be too much and have taken halves. A doctor is just following an ancient playbook which is not doing you any favors if they prescribe benzodiazapines like Valium, Ativan (lorazapam), Xanax (alprazolam), clonopin (clonazapam) all of which do not treat the cause and simply blanket medicate the symptoms by sedating the central nervous system. Such drugs are physically addicting and can cause your life to become more of a roller coaster where you obsess about always having enough medication.

 

Since GABA supplements are legals and cheap, it really can't hurt to see how you feel after a few days of experimenting. If you are bowled over by the results as I was, be careful not to just take this supplement every day for a long time because it can cause your already weak production of GABA to shut down lower. If you stop suddenly you can have all your symptoms back and worse. But if you discover that you are GABA deficient, you can do a lot of looking into this aspect and work with your doctor under knew knowledge as to what your cause is. Be aware that most doctor's do not have this knowledge and you may have to approach someone who is up to date with this correlation.

[Nikki Sahagin]

Thankyou so much for all the responses, i'm sorry it took me a while to reply, I haven't been able to get to a PC.

 

Erica, I basically was afraid to tell my doctor how I feel. Possibly the most annoying thing i'm facing is my inability to truly admit I have a problem. I know it, but I can't say it. I feel this stigma of guilt, failure, embarrassment, like i'm not functioning and i'm ashamed of that. I went to my doctor and I was so nervous and panicky I had to write how I felt onto a piece of paper, he said he was reluctant to give me diazepam which becomes addictive and requires heavier doses. Also diazepam makes me feel floaty, and I don't really want to feel that, I just want the physical symptomes to go away. He gave me betablockers which didn't do a thing for me at all, so I stopped taking them. He also said he would prescribe something else if they didn't work, but like a coward I just never went back. I then went to get some herbal medications from a shop in England called Holland and Barrett, I bought anti-stress tablets and something called htp (or something), I was taking them but didn't notice a change. My problem is that no matter how low I hit, I am still terrified to seek help. I feel pathetic and embarrassed, I also feel so scared to go to them. Even in my most desperate times, its like the panic and fear is so strong, I just hide away, and then feel the guilt that i'm not helping myself.

 

My mum knows about my panic, but I think she really doesn't want me to go on medication. For me, I can't see any other way.

[Nightshades Thorns]

first of all, let me congratulate you on the progress you've already made! You have overcome your anxiety in seeing a Doctor and in seeking advise here. Second let me stress to you that there is absolutely NOTHING to be embarassed about. Don't allow other people's ignorance stop you from taking the necessary actions to ensure your happiness.

 

What type of doctor did you see? Was it a general practitioner or a psychiatrist? Any good psychiatrist will understand your anxiety to vocalize your feelings and will have no problem letting you "talk" to them through writting. (You can also research and find Dr.'s that specialize in anxiety). You are not the only person that is effected to this degree by anxiety; there are psychiatrists with the experience and expertise to help you. I think that you are right, the best course of action at this point would be to see a Dr.

 

I can only repeat my personal opinion that you make sure that you don't rely solely on medication, but also participate in frequent talk therapy. You do not necessarily have to use the Dr prescribing meds for the therapy, (many people see an M.D. for meds and a PhD for therapy. It trends to be more affordable this way and doesnt cause a problem as long as the two Dr.'s are in communication with each other. That is what I do. I see a psychiatrist for medication and see a seperate PhD for psychotherapy).

 

Keep in mind as well that any SSRI's you may try will not have immediate results, they take around 3 weeks before any noticible changes are seen.

 

Just remember that you do have people who support you, here and from what you've said at home. Don't focus on the end result, just take everything one step at a time. You're motivated to make a change so I believe that you will do very well

 

Sorry for my rambling.

[Nikki Sahagin]

Thankyou nightshades, your help is priceless what are SNRA's? (I just know I spelt that wrong, I forgot it as soon as I clicked reply!)

 

So would I need a referral to a therapist or psychiatrist to prescribe meds?

[Nightshades Thorns]

Thankyou nightshades, your help is priceless what are SNRA's? (I just know I spelt that wrong, I forgot it as soon as I clicked reply!)

 

SSRI's are prescription meds that effect the amt of seratonin (one of several neurotransmitters responsible for mood.) Ex. Zoloft, Paxil etc. They are not habit forming in general.

 

So would I need a referral to a therapist or psychiatrist to prescribe meds?

 

I'm not sure. I think it would depend on your insurance. Many times one will be able to refer you to the other. I strongly urge you to do some research on both. Its like buying a car, you dont just pick the first one you come across. I suggest that any therapist you use be a PhD though. Above everything they both should be accredited and give you their credentials w/o incident.

 

 

 

I'm glad you find this helpful

[You'reasian]

This is something I find very difficult to talk about, especially in real life, so please be kind with me.

 

I have lived with anxiety all of my life since childhood. I don't really know why or how it all began. I have an incredibly loving and wonderful family who have given me anything and everything i've ever wanted. I would become anxious as soon as I left them. My first memory of primary school is feeling like I was in a prison and that my mum had abandoned me. I would bite my nails until they bled and wouldn't even be able to answer my name to the register. I was incredibly shy and timid but was able to make friends, I would never go out anywhere with them though as this made me nervous. I hated PE and drama (public speaking) - these things filled me with dread. Whenever I was nervous, I would be unable to eat and so for most of primary school I would not eat breakfast. I would even be afraid to stay at peoples houses. The ways my nerves manifested physically were in biting my nails, not eating, washing my hands and frequently needing the toilet. I would worry about dentist appointments and school trips MONTHS in advance, being unable to sleep and having reoccuring nightmates. The panic would be so intense I would do nothing on my weekends or summer holidays because to me the school year consisted completely of fear, panic and dread. I tried to explain this to my parents but I didn't know at the time what was wrong with me, or even that there WAS anything wrong with me. I became good at hiding; home was my refuge and I escaped into books and movies. To some extent I created a fantasy world so that when I stopped living in the real world, I had my world to live in - I wasn't just alone. I became amazing at creating characters and worlds and animals. I also created the ideal me, the me I wanted to be; beautiful and brave, who travelled the world and was carefree and could do anything.

 

My anxiety seemed to calm down when I started secondary school. For the first 2 years I was 'okay'. I remember seeing a lot of things I didn't like; our school had a lot of black students and a lot of them were INCREDIBLY racist. I'd never experienced anything like this before. The teachers were ineffectual, students rude and cruel. I was going through my awkward teen phase and my timidness came back. I hated performing drama in front of people like this - it was like torture. I hated PE also just because for me exercise has always helped bring on my panic. Well I began to feel nervous EVERY week for PE and drama and in the end had to make excuses to avoid participation; it became so awful in the end that I had to lie I was ill and sit in the medical room. I am naturally thin anyway but because of the lack of eating I lost a lot of weight. I would be sick every morning before school. I just felt like my life was hell. I would have to go home a lot and the relief when I sat in the car was amazing. At the same time, I went from intense emotions to feeling completely flat, but feeling flat was a relief from the pain. I spent sleepless nights crying, days not eating, no-one understanding. My dad is very no nonsense and my mum very happy - no matter how often I tried, they just didn't 'get it' so I gave up and resigned myself to the fact I would never lead a normal life because I had this 'curse' or 'illness' or 'habit' - whatever it was.

 

To cut the story short, I am 21 now and my anxiety is STILL going. Because for me, I always have a choking/gagging sensation from panic, I drink a lot, I always have a bottle of water and I HAVE to chew something. This seems to alleviate the panic. But there are situations where you can't drink or chew...and these situations cause the most panic for me.

 

I hit my rock bottom when I went away on holiday just recently, and had a TERRIBLE panic attack; I couldn't leave my hotel room, so them I became terrified of the journey home, the flight, everything. It was awful and seriously felt like hell.

 

I've tried CBT with a really lovely therapist, betablockers, a short duration of diazepam (2 days) and natural anxiety remedies, nothing has helped. I'm beginning to feel I can't take anymore. I'd rather die than live this half a life...not that I would ever do that, but its like watching myself die slowly, just living in so much fear. I even work myself up into a mad frenzy just seeing the doctor to even try to ask about this; I sit in the waiting room panicking and crying. I can't get a grip. My anxiety effects me massively phyiscally, moreso than mentally, are there any other solutions for me?

 

What other kind of help is available for you in the UK?

 

Public speaking is high upon most people's fears. To overcome this is divine

 

Best way to overcome the fear of public speaking is to do it more often perhaps by volunteering in public and learning to control the fear by managing it from a small scale, until you can slightly scale it up.

 

Start small. Speaking confidently and smartly in front of an audience of say 100+ say college-educated individuals takes 10-20 speaking opportunities with smaller audiences, where you make mistakes and learn.

 

What other kinds of public speaking organizations can you take part of?

Edited June 13, 2010 by You'reasian

[jean-luc sisko]

OP, breathe. Breathing calms us down.

[HurtZ]

Smoke a joint!