Pretty sure I just made him run for the hills

[4LOVE]

So, Ive been talking to a guy for a few months. I live about an hour away but come to my hometown very frequently. We meet up sometimes and talk occassionally. Weve made out and cuddled, but nothing beyond that.

 

I know that its going slow, but there were times when I didnt hear from him for a few days in a row. I basically let my insecurity get the best of me and started to think that maybe he had a girlfriend or just didnt really care for me that much.

 

Once he didnt talk to me for a week and I called him out on it. I normally like to give people the benefit of the doubt so I asked him about it. He said he was sick and gone with his family and didnt mean to ignore me. We've hung out some more and its a lot of fun to hang out in person.. but our text conversations suck and talking on the phone isnt my thing.

 

There is a lot of romantic chemistry between us however everything is going so slow. I am ok with that but I was getting frustrated with how sparatic he is and when I asked for advice, people would tell me that I was being used, etc. Basically filling my head with bad thoughts.

 

The other night he texted me and I ignored it. Today he wrote to me again and I kind of snapped at him. I told him I felt like talking was always on his terms and I didnt want to feel like a door mat. I also said he has a behavior that comes off as not caring.

 

He did a good job at explaining himself and how he doesnt open up for awhile and was getting to know me, etc... but then he said something to the effect of what i was saying was being dramatic and hes had some fun with me and other times hasnt had fun with me. Apparently Im a cool girl too but he was telling me how hes ok with hanging out in groups but he cant be "romantic" with me if its going to "be like this".

 

I basically said I didnt mean to come off as dramatic, but I wanted some form of reassurance or something.

 

So at that point he started to get even more short and well ****. Im pretty sure this got messed up but I dont think what I was asking for was WAY out of left field. Maybe my approach was terrible. I dont know...

 

Recovery move?

[4LOVE]

The more I think about this, the more upset I get with how I just ****ed myself over. Gross. I never act like that and get all "where do we stand" like. I never am th mushy/needy one...

 

[WintersNightTraveler]

If a woman I wasn't even dating yet started making specific demands on my behavior, and critiquing how often I communicate, I'd have been a little freaked out too...

 

For recovery move, don't try to make a big deal out of it or discuss it, or "fix" things - that will just make it worse. It might be too late, but if there's any hope it's along the lines of hanging out and having fun doing the things you liked to do together before, rather than more deep stressful talks and such.

 

The guy probably just dislikes texting BTW. If you guys haven't slept together, I can't understand how your friends think you are being "used."

 

Good luck!

[RedRussian]

For him slow pace was something of a test period maybe, you failed in terms of showing how needy and desperate you might be in a relationship if by this point, where no evens ex yet you already acting like his GF with all the drama that comes from insecurity and unresolved issues

[BWLoca]

It's not like you can read his mind. I wouldn't feel bad at all if I were you...

[4LOVE]

So now that Ive made myself seem like a crazy... do I just leave him alone or apologize? I am not sorry for wanting clarification. However my approach was sort of an ambush.

[harmfulsweetz]

I wouldn't apologise personally.

 

I've been in the same situation recently, and I felt bad for wanting to demand more, bad for feeling bad that he was ignoring me at times. You know what? I shouldn't have felt bad for my feelings on things, I had feelings by this point for him, and it sounds like you do too. And it's right that once our emotions are invested, we should want to know if theirs are too or not. The guy in my case disappeared on me for three weeks, and I texted him during those three weeks. I felt bad for expecting more of him. Looking back, I was putting in more than he was, so I expected more out of it. I'm not wrong for expecting this, neither are you.

 

How to rectify this? You can't really. You shouldn't apologise for having feelings, and worrying where it's all going. You have a duty to yourself to make sure you don't cause yourself unnecessary heartache.

 

If someone comes off as they don't care, it's generally because they don't care. Plain and simple. The guy I wanted came off as if he cared at first, all rushing to text me back and initiate convos, after a while it dwindled to the point I was making all the effort.

 

Teach others how to treat you. If you don't like that he ignores you, but put up with it anyway, then you're asking to get ignored. If you stand up and say you don't like it, won't put up with it, then you will either lose him (which could be a good thing) or he will stop ignoring you.

 

Also, it takes two to make a relationship work, also takes two to make a flirtation, fling, date thing work too.That means the onus is on both of you, not just one.

[4LOVE]

I wouldn't apologise personally.

 

I've been in the same situation recently, and I felt bad for wanting to demand more, bad for feeling bad that he was ignoring me at times. You know what? I shouldn't have felt bad for my feelings on things, I had feelings by this point for him, and it sounds like you do too. And it's right that once our emotions are invested, we should want to know if theirs are too or not. The guy in my case disappeared on me for three weeks, and I texted him during those three weeks. I felt bad for expecting more of him. Looking back, I was putting in more than he was, so I expected more out of it. I'm not wrong for expecting this, neither are you.

 

How to rectify this? You can't really. You shouldn't apologise for having feelings, and worrying where it's all going. You have a duty to yourself to make sure you don't cause yourself unnecessary heartache.

 

If someone comes off as they don't care, it's generally because they don't care. Plain and simple. The guy I wanted came off as if he cared at first, all rushing to text me back and initiate convos, after a while it dwindled to the point I was making all the effort.

 

Teach others how to treat you. If you don't like that he ignores you, but put up with it anyway, then you're asking to get ignored. If you stand up and say you don't like it, won't put up with it, then you will either lose him (which could be a good thing) or he will stop ignoring you.

 

Also, it takes two to make a relationship work, also takes two to make a flirtation, fling, date thing work too.That means the onus is on both of you, not just one.

 

Exactly. "If he acts uninterested, he probably is". So I ignored him and well.. he kept talking so I dont know.

[harmfulsweetz]

I suppose you have to ask yourself about all the other times he ignored you, didn't contact you, and wonder does the one time that he did, make up for all the times he didn't? Sure, when the guy in my situation contacted me after three weeks of not, I was over the moon and dropped my initial 'he's a b@$t@rd' phase, looking back now, I should have trusted my gut instincts. He can't like me that much to do a runner in the first place.

 

Maybe he is interested, in which case, you need to both speak up on this. Just say you need to know where you stand, you don't want to be needy/clingy or whatever, you'd just like to know so you don't waste your time. But it sounds to me like this guy wants it all his own way, on his terms, and if it's not, he kicks up a fuss. Been there too many times to not recognise it.

[4LOVE]

I mean like I said, he hasnt really changed much since the begining. I just wanted to make sure some sort of interest was there and I wanted to tell him the whole push and pull thing was annoying. Like **** or get off the pot ya know? Its not like I was asking to have his first born or texting him every five minutes.. I literally am not clingy.. it just irritated me and I snapped at him. So him being defensive is understandable... but the whole "my way or the highway" attitude is stupid. I mean I am going to leave it alone... but freaking out like that is lame.

 

He was more discussing it with me and then out of nowhere said the whole "this is drama and I cant do it if its gonna be like this". I dont know... I dont really want to say anything to him... but I am proud for at least saying something.. even if my approach was all off. Either he is going to stew on it and talk to me later... or he is gonna say **** it and leave. Since Im not a ball and chain, I am not going to stop him... however that would make me a little sad.

[RedRussian]

My money is on "he is gonna say **** it and leave."

 

But i have lost money before....

[torranceshipman]

Stop contacting him and see how and when he contacts you. Personally, if you two have been dating a while, I don't blame you for calling him out on his lack of communication. Or perhaps you two just have different communication styles. But on the other hand, he could have made more of an effort. All in all - I'd let him do all the running from now on.

[ADF]

Your posts highlight another reason why LDRs--even ones in which you and your SO are only an hour apart--are so difficult. You are so far removed from his daily routine, from the places he goes and people he sees every day, that it is very difficult to know how to interpret his action. Plus, the distance makes communication more difficult and anxiety-ridden.

 

I don't know this guy, so I cannot say whether he has someone else or is just thoughless. What I can say is that when a man is genuinely interested in a woman, he will make the effort to speak to her. If he's really into her, she doesn't need to push him.

[4LOVE]

Im definitely not gonna say anything now! That will just push him farther away.

 

I let my ovaries get the best of me...

[RedRussian]

"I let my ovaries get the best of me"

 

Interesting....I think your ovaries are controlling and are insecure, you should show them who's Boss.

 

What I do i grab my "ovaries" and tell them "BOYS! This time we do it MY Way!" Of course they hurt after, but they get better and we are all cool soon after that.

[4LOVE]

Your posts highlight another reason why LDRs--even ones in which you and your SO are only an hour apart--are so difficult. You are so far removed from his daily routine, from the places he goes and people he sees every day, that it is very difficult to know how to interpret his action. Plus, the distance makes communication more difficult and anxiety-ridden.

 

I don't know this guy, so I cannot say whether he has someone else or is just thoughless. What I can say is that when a man is genuinely interested in a woman, he will make the effort to speak to her. If he's really into her, she doesn't need to push him.

 

I did a LDR for three years. I left him cuz I was tired of it. Sad and unfair situation... still sucks to think about from time to time

 

However, I only work 3 days a week and spend the other 4 back home. I really dont think he has somebody else.. and if he does, thats fine.. but I dont want to waste my time ya know?

 

I completely agree with your last paragraph and thats why I snapped at him. I was just letting it go and he would still talk to me.. every three days, every other day or everyday.. but not for long.. so I was like dude, stop with the bipolar texting and pick a side. I dont like deviations from baseline.. it makes me nervous.

 

He did make a comment in the very begining about how much he hates texting.. lol I should have taken heed to that.. because I told him I hate talking on the phone. When we got into our little "tiff" he said "well I dislike texting and you dislike the phone..."

 

lol.

[4LOVE]

"I let my ovaries get the best of me"

 

Interesting....I think your ovaries are controlling and are insecure, you should show them who's Boss.

 

What I do i grab my "ovaries" and tell them "BOYS! This time we do it MY Way!" Of course they hurt after, but they get better and we are all cool soon after that.

 

Haha you are cracking me up.

 

I am NEVER like this... I usually act cool, calm, and collected all the time.. but thats because I usually have the upper hand. lol.

[RedRussian]

cool, calm, and collected all the time.. but thats because I usually have the upper hand

 

So you would agree that if you did not have an upper hand you would be Cold, Paranoid, and Flustered all the time?

 

I think you and your Ovaries need to sit down and have a talk about kids.

You said you usually have the upper hand, is you BF a "nice guy"?

[Loxx]

Honestly, I don't think what you did was so out of line. Two months is a good long while to be talking to someone to question when you go a week without conversation of some kind..

 

Personally i have done this to women before and it was typically because i was talking to multiple women. Even if he is not juggling, he may not be relationship compatible with you.

 

Personally i know when i am really into a girl i want to communicate at least once per day, even if it is a "Hi, im really busy. just wanted to let you know i am thinking about you".

 

Just back completely off and if he is interested he will reach out.

[4LOVE]

cool, calm, and collected all the time.. but thats because I usually have the upper hand

 

So you would agree that if you did not have an upper hand you would be Cold, Paranoid, and Flustered all the time?

 

I think you and your Ovaries need to sit down and have a talk about kids.

You said you usually have the upper hand, is you BF a "nice guy"?

 

Hahaha. Yup! Type A personality right here! But I normally dont let that shine through so soon

 

I dont have a BF and no, I dont like super clingy guys.. I like a challenge.

[RedRussian]

Symptoms of Type A Behavior

 

1. Time urgency and impatience, which causes irritation and exasperation.
   
2. Free floating hostility, which can be triggered by even minor incidents.
   
3. Competitive, this made them oriented towards achievement which caused them to become stressed due to them wanting to be the best at whatever it may be i.e. sports or in work.
   

[4LOVE]

Honestly, I don't think what you did was so out of line. Two months is a good long while to be talking to someone to question when you go a week without conversation of some kind..

 

Personally i have done this to women before and it was typically because i was talking to multiple women. Even if he is not juggling, he may not be relationship compatible with you.

 

Personally i know when i am really into a girl i want to communicate at least once per day, even if it is a "Hi, im really busy. just wanted to let you know i am thinking about you".

 

Just back completely off and if he is interested he will reach out.

 

I agree. I am not going to force a thing.

 

I was actually talking to him and another guy at one point. I was flaky with the other guy so I definitely know what behavior signs to watch out for... and thats why I brought it up.

 

He mentioned how if he didnt like somebody they would know immediately. I am the same way.. I let the other guy off because I didnt see a connection. He mentioned how he takes awhile to open up... I can see that side too..

 

Oh well... If something happens... yay... if not... oh well. On to the next one

[RedRussian]

Symptoms of Type A Behavior

 

1. Time urgency and impatience, which causes irritation and exasperation.
   
2. Free floating hostility, which can be triggered by even minor incidents.
   
3. Competitive, this made them oriented towards achievement which caused them to become stressed due to them wanting to be the best at whatever it may be i.e. sports or in work.
   

 

 

Type B individuals, in contrast, are described as patient, relaxed, and easy-going, generally lacking an overriding sense of urgency.

 

I am type B glad we get along.

[4LOVE]

Symptoms of Type A Behavior

 

1. Time urgency and impatience, which causes irritation and exasperation.
   
2. Free floating hostility, which can be triggered by even minor incidents.
   
3. Competitive, this made them oriented towards achievement which caused them to become stressed due to them wanting to be the best at whatever it may be i.e. sports or in work.
   

 

wanna hang out sometime?

 

ahahaha

[4LOVE]

So I thought about it. And even though I didnt want to... I apologized for the way I approached him. At this point I dont care about the end result... but I thought Id swallow my pride and just say sorry...