jp_savga Posted June 8, 2010 Posted June 8, 2010 In order to ask my question of the forum, let me give a bit of the backstory... it's not anywhere near complete, so I'll try to fill in the gaps if ya'll ask questions. Discovered my W's affair about 3 mos ago and we're still trying to figure out if there's anything left in the M to save. It was an EA for her, and she swears there was no sex, though she does admit he got to 3rd base. I don't know if we can save the M or if I can ever forgive her, but I'm willing to try if she's totally committed to repairing the damage she created. She admits to still having feelings for OM, but doesn't know what those feelings mean. That is, they're still in that first stage of dating where you like what you see and get close to each other, but haven't dug deep enough to find flaws that each of you may be hiding. So, in short, she doesn't know if he's THE ONE or not. (don't even get me started on how a MW shouldn't still be looking for THE ONE; that's a whole other rage issue for me.) She doesn't know if she'll ever get over this love lost (if she recommits to me), and she doesn't see how I'll be able to get over the doubt caused wondering if she'll run off to be with the OM down the road. Instead of agreeing to NC and completely recommitting to the M and our 2 kids, she wishes for a way to "safely" explore her relationship with OM. FTR, I'm completely against this, because it's a lose-lose situation. Either she falls more completely for OM and I lose her; or she goes all the way with him, finds out he's not THE ONE and comes back to me tainted (that is, she was with someone else when she was vowed to me alone). We're not separated; I've decided to stay for the sake of the kids and to hopefully work on the M with her. My question for ya'll is what options are there for her to "explore" her feelings for this OM? Personally, I don't see any and thus I'm completely against it, but I want to hear the other perspective, if it's out there. Thanks, JP
Windsurf66 Posted June 8, 2010 Posted June 8, 2010 How old are you and your wife, and your kids as well
Windsurf66 Posted June 8, 2010 Posted June 8, 2010 I dun think there are any options for her to explore her feelings for the OM, and also dun think you should agree to it. By wanting to explore feelings with the OM, she is not remorseful abt the affair, and not committed to working on the marriage with u. Also, she does not seemed to have deep feelings for the OM (only in the initial stage of dating), but yet refused to give him up and want to explore further. It means that if this affair does not turn out well, she may very well move on to other potential OMs. I dun think she values this marriage and I dun think you have much choices too.
WalkingOnEggs Posted June 8, 2010 Posted June 8, 2010 I think you've lost perspective, which is understandable given the shock of what you're going through. I'd say she's not giving you any good choices. You are absolutely right that you're in a lose-lose situation. If she explores and likes it, she's gone. If she explores and he dumps her, you'll always know you were second pick. The fallback guy. Plan B. You have 2 small children so this is even harder for you. But you really can't stay in this situation. I just simply don't see how that would work. I'd suggest to her that yes, she should go ahead and explore the feelings with OM fully and completely. To make it even more genuine, make sure she moves out of the house. Given her goofiness right now, you could probably get her to sign custody over to you and forfeit any divorce settlement. This sucks. But please don't let her do this to you.
Owl Posted June 8, 2010 Posted June 8, 2010 My wife had an online EA six years ago. I 'caught them' far earlier than they'd expected, and when d-day hit he bought her tickets to come live with him. She pictured that the kids would love him, I'd eventually forgive her (and him) and we'd all be fast friends and kind of an extended family. Reality turned out a little different for her. I made it CLEAR. If she got on that plane...there'd be no coming back. No friendship of any kind. She'd be gone from my life, completely and totally. I told her point blank there'd be no friendship. The kids refused to even consider living with her (with him), and rejected the idea of meeting him. It was a harsh reality check for her. She begged me...she even said "Just let me go see if what we have is "real"...if it's not, I'll come back to you." Sounds like what you're hearing too. My response was a resounding "NO. I'm not your backup plan.". She fumed, was furious/hurt/angry/depressed. I held my ground. I meant it. There was no way that exploring options with another man while married to me was going to fly. If that's what she wanted, she was faced with the choice of an immediate divorce, or trying to reconcile our marriage. It took her about a month to come around. And it didn't happen until she truly caught on that I was serious...and started talking to a lawyer. The good news is this...we successfully (very successfully) recovered our marriage. We're doing awesome now. She regrets what she did, but that was in the past, and we've both learned a lot from it. My suggestion is to hold your ground, if you truly feel that way.
xxoo Posted June 8, 2010 Posted June 8, 2010 It was an EA for her, and she swears there was no sex, though she does admit he got to 3rd base. It may fall short of penetration, but this is clearly a PA imo (in addition to being an EA). I would not accept her "exploring" the relationship with the OM while still in your relationship. She can explore her feelings and behaviors in individual and marriage counseling, while having no contact with the OM.
whatcanidonow2 Posted June 8, 2010 Posted June 8, 2010 hey JP, sorry about what you're going through. Not dis-similar from my own experience. Still in limbo about where I'm going, though my W has ended all contact with the OM. Feelings haven't gone yet though, and it's still tough. The truth is you will only get one answer here, and I agree with what everyone's writen so far. If you want to get any other perspective at all, I think you need to post on the general "Marriage & Life Partnerships" page. You'll possibly get a more balanced view (if there is another perspective on this), because this Infidelity forum is full of BS's who normally only see things from one point of view. There may be another, but you won't find it here, that's all I'm saying.
Windsurf66 Posted June 8, 2010 Posted June 8, 2010 The other way, is to set her free by agreeing to what she wants. The theory is to set her free, if she loves you, she will come back to you. But i really depends on the character of the person that is being set free. If the wife is good, she goes to the OM, things do not work out, she will not return to the husband if she does not love him. If the wife is selfish/bad/evil, for financial stability or other selfish reasons, she will return to the husband even if she does not really love him. And some years later, when there are other potential OMs, she will start it again
Passion4Life Posted June 8, 2010 Posted June 8, 2010 In order to ask my question of the forum, let me give a bit of the backstory... it's not anywhere near complete, so I'll try to fill in the gaps if ya'll ask questions. Discovered my W's affair about 3 mos ago and we're still trying to figure out if there's anything left in the M to save. It was an EA for her, and she swears there was no sex, though she does admit he got to 3rd base. I don't know if we can save the M or if I can ever forgive her, but I'm willing to try if she's totally committed to repairing the damage she created. She admits to still having feelings for OM, but doesn't know what those feelings mean. That is, they're still in that first stage of dating where you like what you see and get close to each other, but haven't dug deep enough to find flaws that each of you may be hiding. So, in short, she doesn't know if he's THE ONE or not. (don't even get me started on how a MW shouldn't still be looking for THE ONE; that's a whole other rage issue for me.) She doesn't know if she'll ever get over this love lost (if she recommits to me), and she doesn't see how I'll be able to get over the doubt caused wondering if she'll run off to be with the OM down the road. Instead of agreeing to NC and completely recommitting to the M and our 2 kids, she wishes for a way to "safely" explore her relationship with OM. FTR, I'm completely against this, because it's a lose-lose situation. Either she falls more completely for OM and I lose her; or she goes all the way with him, finds out he's not THE ONE and comes back to me tainted (that is, she was with someone else when she was vowed to me alone). We're not separated; I've decided to stay for the sake of the kids and to hopefully work on the M with her. My question for ya'll is what options are there for her to "explore" her feelings for this OM? Personally, I don't see any and thus I'm completely against it, but I want to hear the other perspective, if it's out there. Thanks, JP jp_savga , as she is still intrested in exploring her relationship with OM , she doesn't seem to be committed in repairing the damage . Basically she wants to keep you as a back up plan if it doesn't work with OM . That itself should be humiliating for you as a husband . I completely agree with Owl , you should tell her that any further contact with OM will mean immediate divorce .
Owl Posted June 8, 2010 Posted June 8, 2010 jp_savga , as she is still intrested in exploring her relationship with OM , she doesn't seem to be committed in repairing the damage . Basically she wants to keep you as a back up plan if it doesn't work with OM . That itself should be humiliating for you as a husband . I completely agree with Owl , you should tell her that any further contact with OM will mean immediate divorce . ONLY IF you're truly willing to follow through with that.
lostsunsets Posted June 8, 2010 Posted June 8, 2010 There are no options for her to "explore" her feelings with the OM. Tell her if she goes to see him or talks to him, you're through. Just like owl said. Oh, you also need to separate finances if she is a SAHM. You don't want her using your money to pay for an affair.
ADF Posted June 8, 2010 Posted June 8, 2010 No, no, no. You've to be kidding. Not only has your wife admitted to an affair--and for the record, I don't think you should believe her claim to have never had sex with this man for 2 seconds--but she fully intends to continue it! And you think this is acceptable? DIVORCE THIS WOMAN. It will not only be better for you, but better for your kids, too. What kind of example are setting for your kids? Mommy screws around with another man, and daddy just sits there and takes it? Believe me, kids pick up more than you think and if you allow this, they will have zero repsect for you or your wife when they figure out what is going on. Don't let this lying, schemeing, excuse for a woman be a role model for your kids. Don't let your kids grow up thinking their father is a weak, needy, pathetic doormat.
Gman95670 Posted June 8, 2010 Posted June 8, 2010 If it were me, I would tell her she needs to understand what being married means. If she's not 100% committed to you, then perhaps it's time for her to leave. Obviously she doesn't understand that she is supposed to be committed to you for life. You're not some toy that she can put in the closet, play with another toy and then return to you. It's not supposed to work that way. I would suggest telling her that either she has NC with the OM or for her to leave (and the kids stay with you). She can't have it all.
Author jp_savga Posted June 9, 2010 Author Posted June 9, 2010 Thank you all for your replies. You're all saying things that I've already thought of or felt. It seems that I do need to ask myself the tough question: Do I want to do what it takes to end the relationship? Since I wrote the OP, I've found more clues that she may be still in constant contact with OM. I intend to confront her tomorrow on this evidence; her response will probably direct me one way or another. Thanks again, and keep the responses coming.
turnstone Posted June 9, 2010 Posted June 9, 2010 As well as Owl's story, Spark1111's posts are also worth reading for the way she handled her husband's wavering. She removed herself as a choice, as a backup plan which is what you need to do. But also as Owl says, you can only tell her that if you are prepared to actually do it. Every time you don't follow through on that promise will tell her you're ok with what she's doing and reinforce it. Act and act quickly.
Ann_Igma Posted June 9, 2010 Posted June 9, 2010 Thank you all for your replies. You're all saying things that I've already thought of or felt. It seems that I do need to ask myself the tough question: Do I want to do what it takes to end the relationship? Since I wrote the OP, I've found more clues that she may be still in constant contact with OM. I intend to confront her tomorrow on this evidence; her response will probably direct me one way or another. Thanks again, and keep the responses coming. If there's one thing I have learned, confronting your partner with evidence will not do you much good unless you already know what action you want to take and are prepared to do so. I second Turnstone's suggestion of reading Owl's and Spark's stories.
jnj express Posted June 9, 2010 Posted June 9, 2010 Hey JP---at this point you need to let your wife know that she is not part of the family----she has chosen to be with another man, and if that is what she wants---you can't/won't stop her----make sure that she knows that the family will not tolerate what she is doing----therefore she is free to leave----she is not to attempt contact with any of you again, until she has completely ended it with the other man, or filed for D., at which time the court will set up custodial rights for all parties----don't have a big argument, be very calm, and icy about what you say---and tell her to leave---the mge., will not tolerate her and her friend----that is not the way mge., is conducted. Also make sure you cover the financial aspects---cut off her credit cards, place all finances in an acct., in your name only----and allow her enuff money to live and no more----as to where she will live after being kicked out of the home----that is her problem---she chose to be with another man---let him take care of her living conditions You will get a definite reaction one way or the other-----from there the future is up to you----just make sure you stay tuff, and serious---no lovey--dovey, touch--feely---if she decides to come back, and go NC with the other man.
silverplanets Posted June 9, 2010 Posted June 9, 2010 Thank you all for your replies. You're all saying things that I've already thought of or felt. It seems that I do need to ask myself the tough question: Do I want to do what it takes to end the relationship? Since I wrote the OP, I've found more clues that she may be still in constant contact with OM. I intend to confront her tomorrow on this evidence; her response will probably direct me one way or another. Thanks again, and keep the responses coming. The question right now is what is YOUR line on what is acceptable. If you don't have a line then how is she to know there are any limits. As the others say, though, if you draw a line and she ignores it then you have to be ready to deal with what means. Right now she's going to keep on pushing those boundaries because there isn't any push back ... so it will keep going until one day it really IS too much for you. How "in your face" does it have to get before it's not acceptable to YOU?
2long Posted June 9, 2010 Posted June 9, 2010 Don't confront her with evidence. Why does she need "proof" of what she already knows? By revealing your sources, you clue her in as 2 how you know, so she can do damage control and go deeper underground. You only need 2 reveal that you know, and don't go in2 2 much detail, because she might be able 2 figure out how you know from that, and go deeper underground. People like your W think that the feelings she's experiencing are "love" because they're so intense that she can't get this guy out of her mind. But falling in love isn't love at all - and it will fade in a couple of years if there isn't also real love behind it - love as a conscious choice. Right now, her affair is exciting because it's new and it's "their little secret". She's found her @$$holemate. But when the excitement wears off in a couple years and she looks back on what she gave up for this loser (her family), she'll realize there's no such thing as soulmates - just life-altering choices and their consequences. Take care of those kids (and yourself!) right now. Stand up for your family. Stay in your house. If she must pursue this affair, she must do it away from you, and with the firm knowledge that you won't be sitting around patiently waiting for her 2 re2rn. -ol' 2long
AmIWrong Posted June 9, 2010 Posted June 9, 2010 Have you considered what might be missing/broken in your marriage that she opened herself up for an EA? And what is missing from within you that you're looking for "options" to let your wife explore her feelings for another man? Maybe an EA isn't a deal breaker for you, but her not willing to fully commit to you and your marriage certainly should be. IMO, the kinds of options you should be considering are: 1. Make her choose: a) your marriage b) a relationship with OM 2. Better yet, YOU decide: a) wait in the wings and hope she doesn't choose him b) let her go and start the healing process for yourself. If she wants to pursue her relationship with OM let her do it as a divorcee. Either way, something has to change, or you'll change nothing. She will continue the EA...in secret, and EAs eventually will turn into PAs.
road Posted June 9, 2010 Posted June 9, 2010 jp s "It was an EA for her, and she swears there was no sex, though she does admit he got to 3rd base." Once the touching begins it's no longer an EA. Your WW had a PA. Third base, oral sex, blow job, is not sex? Another Bill Clinton. No sex but how did Bills cum stains get on Monica's dress? Sorry to say this but most WW will always admit to less then what they actually did to do damage control. So in your case there had to be a whole lot more.
seibert253 Posted June 10, 2010 Posted June 10, 2010 If it were me, I would tell her she needs to understand what being married means. If she's not 100% committed to you, then perhaps it's time for her to leave. Obviously she doesn't understand that she is supposed to be committed to you for life. You're not some toy that she can put in the closet, play with another toy and then return to you. It's not supposed to work that way. I would suggest telling her that either she has NC with the OM or for her to leave (and the kids stay with you). She can't have it all. ^^^^^^ This No better advice then right here
Author jp_savga Posted June 10, 2010 Author Posted June 10, 2010 Thanks Gman for the awesome wording. I think I'll phrase it just like that when she calls to ask what she needs to do to get back in the house. Turnstone, I read owl's story (thanks, owl, for sharing!) but I can't Spark1111's. Where is it posted?
Passion4Life Posted June 10, 2010 Posted June 10, 2010 Thanks Gman for the awesome wording. I think I'll phrase it just like that when she calls to ask what she needs to do to get back in the house. Turnstone, I read owl's story (thanks, owl, for sharing!) but I can't Spark1111's. Where is it posted? is she not living in the house at present ?
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