paddington bear Posted June 8, 2010 Posted June 8, 2010 Ok, so for much of a year I've spent either heart-broken, confused, angry, hurt, thinking I'm over it, but not being until the other day when I realised 'I am totally over him'. Question is...now what? I live in Germany, the guys simply do not chat you up here, ignore you when out (and not just me) - I am totally confused as to how exactly people get together here. I've not once witnessed a girl being chatted up or asked out ever here. It must happen some other way.... The only times I have been checked out has been out at nightclubs, but usually by much younger guys...like guys in their 20's and I'm 37 and looking for a boyfriend not some young lover who thinks I'm going to be wildly experienced in bed. But in any case, I haven't got tons of money to go out clubbing every weekend, nor do I have enough single friends to join me even if I did have the cash. Last time I went to a party two different women got all freaked, and subtly hinted 'that's MY man' and now I feel that other women who have boyfriends/husbands see me as some dangerous predatory single woman who would snatch their man from under their nose, purely because I'm single. I'm sick of hearing from both women and men that they cannot believe that "you don't have a boyfriend and what is wrong with the men out there?" I was told eye contact was particularly important here, to keep an eye out on those looking at me and to look back. I have duly done this and it has led to some lingering looks, but nothing else. I've been told by so many foreign girls here that you have to take on the man's role here, to chat men up, woo them etc. But, as I don't come from here, it just seems really unnatural and not what I'm used to and I'm not sure how on earth to start with that. I tried internet dating, but that didn't work out at all, just strange men looking to take me to sex clubs or guys looking for no strings attached sex and I'm not really sure what to do now. I am that damn stereotype. Late 30's, single, friends all either coupled up, married or gay and my opportunities to simply meet someone in the first place through friends has got minuscule, which leaves me with bars and clubs, which I go to rarely now as everyone is coupled up and I can't afford it. I'm so scared that yet another year of my life will go by with simply not much happening at all and I feel like I should be somehow proactive, but am not sure where to start considering my circumstances... I guess this is more of a vent...but if anyone has any advice, I'll take it on board. Life has got much better after a really, really horrendous 2009 start to 2010. I'm happy, but I'm lonely
Stockalone Posted June 8, 2010 Posted June 8, 2010 Question is...now what? I live in Germany, the guys simply do not chat you up here, ignore you when out (and not just me) - I am totally confused as to how exactly people get together here. I've not once witnessed a girl being chatted up or asked out ever here. According to OpenGL's theory from another thread, that must be because prostitution is not illegal in Germany... I was told eye contact was particularly important here, to keep an eye out on those looking at me and to look back. I have duly done this and it has led to some lingering looks, but nothing else. I've been told by so many foreign girls here that you have to take on the man's role here, to chat men up, woo them etc. But, as I don't come from here, it just seems really unnatural and not what I'm used to and I'm not sure how on earth to start with that. German women are very independent. Plenty of them even insist on going dutch on a date. If you are a guy and insist on paying, you run the risk of being perceived as 1. Trying to buy the woman (expecting sex because you paid for dinner) 2. Being desperate (that only women you pay for, go out with you) 3. Believing in outdated gender roles (not considering women to be your equal) 4. All of the above. That said, we still have to approach women, they usually don't throw themselves at us. But I don't consider wooing a woman to be necessary. Sometimes, I wonder if women even appreciate it. Unless a man really enjoys wooing a woman he likes, there is no reason to do so. Women will go out on dates, have casual sex, or have exclusive LTR's with men who hardly do anything to woo them. I tried internet dating, but that didn't work out at all, just strange men looking to take me to sex clubs or guys looking for no strings attached sex and I'm not really sure what to do now. I knew a women who had the same problem with real life encounters. Basically all the men who approached her, were apparently doing so because they wanted to get her into bed quickly. I believe that men are like that because sex is so readily available these days. If they don't have to make an effort, they won't. Men can (especially online) contact plenty of women with virtually no effort. And if all they want is sex, they might very well be successful with that lame approach. After all, there are enough women who want the same thing, having a ONS, or even a FWB situation. But not only that, there are also women who agree to this because they hope it will turn into more or because they think it is the best they can get. I can see how meeting men like that is annyoing if you are looking for a serious relationship, though. I am that damn stereotype. Late 30's, single, friends all either coupled up, married or gay and my opportunities to simply meet someone in the first place through friends has got minuscule, which leaves me with bars and clubs, which I go to rarely now as everyone is coupled up and I can't afford it. I'm so scared that yet another year of my life will go by with simply not much happening at all and I feel like I should be somehow proactive, but am not sure where to start considering my circumstances... In large cities in Germany, there are usually expatriates who regularily meet. You could look into forums for expatriates like Toytowngermany.com Or you could join a "Verein", if that is something you might be interested in. We have them for all sorts of things, sports, culture, animal rights, etc. Another option could be to look for a language partner. When I was in college, they called them "Tandem". Do a search for "Tandembörse" or "English-German-Tandem", "Tandempartner", etc. If you want/need to improve your German, that might be fun. Increasing your social cirlcle that way can make it easier to meet new people and it's not expensive.
Author paddington bear Posted June 8, 2010 Author Posted June 8, 2010 Thanks for the reply. And the clarification!!! So that's why I'm single, because prostitution is legal here. No, I would never expect a man to pay for a date here (or anywhere), so that is not a problem. More the fact of men actually approaching in the first place to get to the point of a date. Once I met this German guy and he blew me off on date two in favour of freshly made potato salad...I hear house parties are good...but every one I've been too are full of couples these days or much younger people taking truckloads of drugs. I think that life has simply been too tough here for many reasons...most of them posted here on LS...I have plenty of friends, it's just the dynamics of the friendships have changed. People have got married, found boyfriends/girlfriends, moved away - and my social circle, while still there, is dramatically altered. Guess getting some new friends as well as my old friends might be a start. The tandem partner thing...I had a friend here who would meet people to do the tandem language thing and she reckoned all the guys were there only to meet girls. One of them took one look at her and walked out the door, so obviously was not impressed. Anyway, I guess I'll have to see how it goes. Perhaps it's best if I avoid German guys altogether just because nothing seems to happen with them at all and I can't seem to figure out how to break down whatever cultural barrier is there to get to the point of talking to them. Bar one man, every other one who has been interested in me since I moved here has been a foreigner. If all else fails, I'll move to a country where prostitution is illegal!
Stockalone Posted June 8, 2010 Posted June 8, 2010 (edited) Thanks for the reply. And the clarification!!! So that's why I'm single, because prostitution is legal here. I had seen you posting in the other thread and thought it would be funny in this context, given that the very idea is so preposterous. No, I would never expect a man to pay for a date here (or anywhere), so that is not a problem. More the fact of men actually approaching in the first place to get to the point of a date. Once I met this German guy and he blew me off on date two in favour of freshly made potato salad...I hear house parties are good...but every one I've been too are full of couples these days or much younger people taking truckloads of drugs. Well, homemade potato salad is serious competition. Seriously though, that is just bad luck. You can meet duds all over the world. I think that life has simply been too tough here for many reasons...most of them posted here on LS...I have plenty of friends, it's just the dynamics of the friendships have changed. People have got married, found boyfriends/girlfriends, moved away - and my social circle, while still there, is dramatically altered. Guess getting some new friends as well as my old friends might be a start. The house parties, I can relate to. My friends are all in serious relationships and starting to get married. They spend most of their time with their SO or other couples. I don't mind, as I think that is normal, but being the only single guy amongst a bunch of couples isn't always fun. But I am a loner, so I am not too shaken by spending less time with my friends. We'll have a boys' night out every now and then or go to a soccer match to catch up and that's fine with me. The tandem partner thing...I had a friend here who would meet people to do the tandem language thing and she reckoned all the guys were there only to meet girls. One of them took one look at her and walked out the door, so obviously was not impressed. A lot of things men do, they do to meet girls. That said, making it the only reason is not good and there is no excuse for behaving that way. That was very rude. Anyway, I guess I'll have to see how it goes. Perhaps it's best if I avoid German guys altogether just because nothing seems to happen with them at all and I can't seem to figure out how to break down whatever cultural barrier is there to get to the point of talking to them. Bar one man, every other one who has been interested in me since I moved here has been a foreigner. As long as fellow foreigners show interest in you, not being asked out by us Germans doesn't seem like a big problem to me. Honestly though, not every German man is the same. I am sure there is a difference compared to what you are used from home, but there are plenty of us who ask out women they are interested in. But maybe from your POV, German men flirting feels like a stone-still stare from across the room. And you certainly aren't alone. There are plenty of foreign women who complain about German men being passive, uptight, unromatic, etc. If all else fails, I'll move to a country where prostitution is illegal! LOL. Edited June 8, 2010 by Stockalone
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