fmlx1000 Posted June 8, 2010 Posted June 8, 2010 Well to start off we have been dating for almost 3 years and things have been amazing. We seemed to work perfect and everyone always told us how good we went together. Her story: I get a call at 2:30 and she tells me that hanging out was fun and what-not and that she gave some dude "Bob" a ride home and stopped there for a few minutes and saw a girl I work with there ("haha, small world right?", her words) and then drove home and is tired and wants to sleep. Everythings dandy, same as always. Worst. News. Ever. Friend calls and says I should call the girl I work with. She tells me she came over drunk and that she went into the bathroom with this Bob guy and they had sex and then she went home. I confront her: She laughs as if its a funny joke and gives the whole "are you serious? give me a break" kind of thing. I second-guess it after asking her about it and call the girl back. My gf calls the dude and lucky for me hes still there. They tell me she just asked if he told anyone anything. So now I know for sure. Call her back: I tell her that I know she just called him to ask if he told that girl and use her exact words. I call her out and she is silent. Now I am 100% sure. I flip out... worst feeling ever. Sick to stomach. SHAKING im so mad. Disgust. Betrayed. Normally this is an instant deal breaker for me. Long story short she was raped as a girl and got into destructive patterns, etc. She's always struggled with it. She is telling me that this isn't her and that she didn't want it and that she does love me and that she needs me and all that jazz. A part of me believes it. I know shes had her issues but cheating is... the worst thing a girl could do to me. I've voiced that. I NEED HELP. I don't know what to do. Is there any hope for a revival? Should I cut my losses and just try to move on? This was my very close girlfriend of almost 3 years, she made the BIGGEST mistake... do I give her a second chance? this literally just happened tonight too...
Cracker Jack Posted June 8, 2010 Posted June 8, 2010 (edited) Definitely cut your losses. I laugh when people try to desperately mention how they "love" someone when they're caught doing something they shouldn't have been doing. She even tried to make sure no one said anything, so she knew exactly what she was doing. The worse part was she just did it in the bathroom like it didn't matter. Ugh. And if you give her another chance, she'll likely do it again. Edited June 8, 2010 by Cracker Jack
Author fmlx1000 Posted June 8, 2010 Author Posted June 8, 2010 Yeah... :\ The lying part almost pissed me off more. "And if you give her another chance, she'll likely do it again." True, but how much weight do her issues hold in this whole mess? It is a serious problem shes had and Im wondering if it really is a result of her ****ed up past...
ALombard Posted June 8, 2010 Posted June 8, 2010 Hey FMLX let me give you some advice. I was with a girl for over 4 years. In those 4 years there were 3 times that I can remember that I heard something from her friends or mine about her doing something behind my back, ie. cheating. Each time I confronted her with proof, she would either get angry or sad but always denied it. I, being madly in love with her believed what she told me or took her past issues with her dad as a viable excuse for her behavior. Now ****ed up past or not if this girl in anyway cares about you or respects you she wouldn't have done it. She probably thought you wouldn't find out, now if you do decide to take her back be prepared to basically become her doormat. You will give up any power you had in the relationship by showing her you don't respect yourself enough to call it quits. It's like with a child, if a child goes and colors on the walls in your house and you don't do anything about it they will keep doing it. Cheaters are cheaters are cheaters. There's no two ways about it. Even if you take her back and she never does it again you will still have all that doubt and paranoia swirling around in your head when she goes anywhere without you. So please do yourself a favor and just leave. You'll be heartbroken but at least you will prove to yourself that you respect yourself and aren't controlled by a girl (i was and I wish I could turn back time) AND! You will show her that you don't let sh*t like that fly. So good luck man.
Cracker Jack Posted June 8, 2010 Posted June 8, 2010 Well, her issues could be apart of the reason, but I seriously doubt it. She openly lied to you in order to cover it up--so when taking that into consideration, she had it in her mind to deceive you, which means she knew what she was doing was wrong. She probably believes her issues give her a worthy excuse, but I don't see how in this situation. Everyone has a past; some worse than others. If her past is a reason for her doing this with the guy in the bathroom, then that means her potential for doing it more and using the bad past as an excuse will continue. You know how it ends with a cheater, man. It never ends good. I know out of the goodness in your heart, you want to believe this can be blamed on her mental instability--but it can't be here.
Author fmlx1000 Posted June 8, 2010 Author Posted June 8, 2010 Everything you two are saying makes complete sense... I have definitely made up my mind about staying apart. It would be a very very hard road to try and travel. I don't know how things will play out though. She will be living right next door to me in the fall (we both are going to a university). Im in my apartment with 3 of my friends and shes in hers with 2 of her friends. I guess it might be awkward but it doesn't change what needs to be done. As of now the relationship is over. It was a learning experience if nothing else. I don't completely hate her. I almost feel bad for her now. I guess my plan now is move on. I will probably stay her friend because of how close we have been and the university situation but keep it to just friends. I try to be the most mature person I can and I am going to try to get her into some counseling and guide her in some ways to reform her life and get on the right track but as for "us". I guess it's just over. Any suggestions/ideas/etc on the whole staying friends thing after a break up? I know some guys probably use that as an excuse to eventually get back together but this is definitely not the motivation with me. I guess the question is, Can I still be there for her as a friend?
ALombard Posted June 8, 2010 Posted June 8, 2010 Ok listen to me one more time. Leave it alone, all of it! There's no relationship in any sense of the word. After being with someone for that long it is near impossible to be friends without residual feelings. You're just putting yourself in a bad place. Something will happen down the line and you'll get really messed up. Since my ex dumped me I have completely broken contact with her and you know why? Because her life, her issues, her problems...they aren't mine to worry about anymore. BREAK ALL and I mean ALL contact from her. Who cares if she's going to be your neighbor, it doesn't mean you're obligated to be her friend or even talk to her. As far as counseling goes, once again, her issues aren't yours. SHE CHEATED ON YOU! Why would you want to help someone who has no respect for you?! I tried to help my ex out each time I found out something about her but that's because I thought it would work. Believe me when I say this, people like our ex's can't be helped by others, only by themselves. So move on, leave it alone. As far as you should be concerned the girl you were with is DEAD. So act that way.
Author fmlx1000 Posted June 8, 2010 Author Posted June 8, 2010 I guess its just that I have a good tight group of friends and the fact that my best friend's girlfriend is her roommate which means that she will be around when everyone is hanging out. I don't know how I'll handle that situation, probably just treat her as an acquaintance... but it is awkward and annoying. A part of me just can't understand how things can go so perfectly for almost 3 years and then out of NOWHERE, this happens. It just doesn't fit with who she has been. Part of me wants to believe that she didn't truly mean it and that she just made a huge mistake. Being drunk isn't the best excuse though. In the end it comes down to exactly what you said, it will always be there in the back of my mind. She could never go out with friends, drink at a party, or do anything without that paranoia lingering there. That would be a horrible relationship for me to be in. Your probably right, there can't be much good that comes from staying friends. It worked for me with my first girlfriend of about 1.5 years but that wasn't a situation like this at all. That was mutual, this is just plain f*cked up. I guess it's just parting words and moving on now. Everything happens for a reason I guess, better now than in 2 years, married and with kids. Thanks for everything
northstar1 Posted June 8, 2010 Posted June 8, 2010 Sorry to hear that man, that is rough. However, as Lombard said, you can't be friends. At all. You owe her nothing now. She betrayed and disrespected you and deserves no respect now It's terrible what happened to her, and from what I've read, some who are abused will turn to risky/destructive behaviors in their life, whether it is alcohol/drugs, promiscuity, eating disorders. This doesn't mean she has any excuse to cheat. This girl needs therapy or she will continue her patterns because she likely has a lot of anger and unresolved issues going on internally. But this isn't your problem anymore. Once she cheated on you, she lost that right to your help. And yes, you may have dodged a bullet her. Until she faces her issues and deals with whatever caused her to stray, she's not good relationship material. If it wasn't now, she'd have acted out at some point down the road. Stay strong and keep posting on here, lots of good advice.
tanbark813 Posted June 8, 2010 Posted June 8, 2010 Cut your losses, make a clean break, and move on. You'll just be wasting your time and energy otherwise.
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