Author Nightshades Thorns Posted June 9, 2010 Author Posted June 9, 2010 Do you think it would be bad to write her an apology note, just telling her you deeply regret what happened, maybe asking her forgiveness? I'm trying to put myself in her shoes. I'm sure it wouldn't heal the friendship - not intended to - but it might help make amends. at this point I think she abhors the fact that we are residing on the same planet. From my own past experience I think it is best that I leave her alone, esp this soon after. If/when she feels comfortable talking to me, she will contact me. ANYTHING I say to her right now will only upset her. The friendship is not salvagable.
Author Nightshades Thorns Posted June 9, 2010 Author Posted June 9, 2010 No, she's not in a relationship with anyone. But did have ONS with a friend's bf. Wow, thank you for clarifying that while I was offline.
whichwayisup Posted June 9, 2010 Posted June 9, 2010 at this point I think she abhors the fact that we are residing on the same planet. From my own past experience I think it is best that I leave her alone, esp this soon after. If/when she feels comfortable talking to me, she will contact me. ANYTHING I say to her right now will only upset her. The friendship is not salvagable. It's easier for her to make you the bad guy, of course with the help of her boyfriend, who threw you under the bus and basically (probably) made it seem like you came onto him, and he was drunk, couldn't say no, blah blah blah. Best thing to do is completely back off. Leave her alone, that friendship is over, it'll never, ever be the same. All you can do is give it time and focus on yourself. Fix "you" so this doesn't happen again in the future. Whatever your reasons were for having a ONS with this girls boyfriend, make sure that this mistake isn't repeated with anyone else in the future. Don't cozy up to guys that are taken, especially when drinking.
Author Nightshades Thorns Posted June 9, 2010 Author Posted June 9, 2010 so you are in a R with a committed man, AND you messed around with a friend's bf? sounds like more than ONE severe error in judgement. sounds like a character issue. While I appreciate the attention you paid to my post and taking the time to respond to it: I assure you that I am very aware of all of my character flaws, simply stating that they are present is slightly ineffective. Even IF it WAS the situation that you originally thought, I was under the impression that it would still merit the non-judgmental counsel of the sites members.
pureinheart Posted June 9, 2010 Posted June 9, 2010 Weasel. He's trying to minimize the damage and shirking his role in the whole affair (pun intended). Perhaps he should be reminded you didn't forcibly rape him that night. (This is a partial quote by JW) JW, this one cracked me up
pureinheart Posted June 9, 2010 Posted June 9, 2010 AMEN! if it wasnt for my real friends, I dont know what I would do! I called my BFF yesterday, (he lives across the country) and told him what happened. He didnt condemn or condone what I did, just simply said, "Yeah girl, you ****ed up!" and then went on to remind me of his past major SNAFUs! There ya go...that IS a friend! I was talking about this very matter to my psychologist as I needed some confirmation. There are enough people out there to run us down...hey it's not hard to find condemnation out there, although a REAL friend will love you no matter what. I am really glad your gonna find different friends because you seem like you are really cool...
pureinheart Posted June 9, 2010 Posted June 9, 2010 so you are in a R with a committed man, AND you messed around with a friend's bf? sounds like more than ONE severe error in judgement. sounds like a character issue. Man Dexter she already said she messed up, the character issue comes when one is unable to admit a fault. She defined what she saw as a fault.
Dexter Morgan Posted June 9, 2010 Posted June 9, 2010 No, she's not in a relationship with anyone. But did have ONS with a friend's bf. ah, I missed the "not" in her statement, so my bad.
Dexter Morgan Posted June 9, 2010 Posted June 9, 2010 (edited) Even IF it WAS the situation that you originally thought, I was under the impression that it would still merit the non-judgmental counsel of the sites members. as if judgement in any way compares to sleeping with a friend's bf. you want to feel bad, proclaim remorse, vow to change....fine, more power to you Edited June 9, 2010 by Dexter Morgan
Dexter Morgan Posted June 9, 2010 Posted June 9, 2010 I am very aware that I was in the wrong, but I'm conflicted in several areas. First of all is, what if anything I should say to her. At this point she has not contacted her and I've left her alone then thats what you do, leave her alone, you don't say anything to her. even if for some reason she decides to patch things up, you wouldn't be trusted around any of her bfs again. So if she doesn't want to talk to you, respect at least that and leave her alone. Secondly, her BF has demonized me in the whole situation. He has openly called me "the worst mistake of his life, that cost him the best thing that ever happened to him". that isn't demonizing you. Although its stupid for him to call it a mistake, its the act he is referring to, not you.
Author Nightshades Thorns Posted June 9, 2010 Author Posted June 9, 2010 then thats what you do, leave her alone, you don't say anything to her. even if for some reason she decides to patch things up, you wouldn't be trusted around any of her bfs again. So if she doesn't want to talk to you, respect at least that and leave her alone. I agree. I don't want to take away her power to choose when and if she wants to talk to me (yell at me). My concern was that I don't want her to think that I don't care about the pain I caused to her. But, like I said I agree with you and leaving her alone is the lesser of two evils. that isn't demonizing you. Although its stupid for him to call it a mistake, its the act he is referring to, not you. My point here, is that he is blaming ME for a choice HE made, as I am to blame more than him.
Author Nightshades Thorns Posted June 9, 2010 Author Posted June 9, 2010 as if judgement in any way compares to sleeping with a friend's bf. you want to feel bad, proclaim remorse, vow to change....fine, more power to you Like I said earlier, I just need a place were I can process the situation without being bashed. (Have no fear that I'm not being bashed by others. She may not be speaking to me, but her friends dont seem to have that problem, not to forget that her exBF is doing the majority of the bashing.) Ultimately, yes, my end goal via processing what happened is not the vow to change, but the actual change. Anyone who thinks that I'm looking for forgivness here so I can carry on w life like it never happened, would be wrong. I have had issues w impulse control my whole life, and I want to be a better person. This is one of several resources I'm utilizing to reach that goal.
Snowflower Posted June 9, 2010 Posted June 9, 2010 Ultimately, yes, my end goal via processing what happened is not the vow to change, but the actual change. Anyone who thinks that I'm looking for forgivness here so I can carry on w life like it never happened, would be wrong. I have had issues w impulse control my whole life, and I want to be a better person. This is one of several resources I'm utilizing to reach that goal. Well, it sounds like you are taking important steps in learning more about yourself. I won't bash you...and I'm a fBS...but when the guy (not sure whether to call him your boyfriend or her xBF) is saying it was a mistake...he might not necessarily be saying YOU were a mistake but that his decision to have a ONS with you was a bad choice/mistake. He might be owning his decision or he might not, I can't tell...only he can. From what you write, it appears that even you think the ONS was a mistake or bad choice, right? Does that mean you think he was the mistake? See the difference? I LOVE your avatar, by the way!
Author Nightshades Thorns Posted June 9, 2010 Author Posted June 9, 2010 Well, it sounds like you are taking important steps in learning more about yourself. I won't bash you...and I'm a fBS...but when the guy (not sure whether to call him your boyfriend or her xBF) is saying it was a mistake...he might not necessarily be saying YOU were a mistake but that his decision to have a ONS with you was a bad choice/mistake. He might be owning his decision or he might not, I can't tell...only he can. From what you write, it appears that even you think the ONS was a mistake or bad choice, right? Does that mean you think he was the mistake? See the difference? I LOVE your avatar, by the way! Thanks I seriously appreciate the bash-less replys! He's def NOT my BF! The next day he asked about "us" and only after I said I didnt want to persue a relationship w him, did he get nasty. I thinks he feels all the remorse and guilt that I do, and I am an easy target for him to use in his coping process. I think the ONS was one mistake and that it was w him another. But both were results of my choices, not his existance. Thanks about my avatar
Dexter Morgan Posted June 9, 2010 Posted June 9, 2010 My point here, is that he is blaming ME for a choice HE made, as I am to blame more than him. doesnt matter what he thinks, you are both to blame for what was done to his gf/your "friend" its his own problem and fault what happened to himself.
Author Nightshades Thorns Posted June 9, 2010 Author Posted June 9, 2010 doesnt matter what he thinks, you are both to blame for what was done to his gf/your "friend" its his own problem and fault what happened to himself. Thank You!! It's my fault I lost a friend; it's HIS fault he lost a GF.
Dexter Morgan Posted June 9, 2010 Posted June 9, 2010 Thank You!! It's my fault I lost a friend; it's HIS fault he lost a GF. exactly............
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