Nightshades Thorns Posted June 8, 2010 Posted June 8, 2010 hello, please bear with me, not only am I new to this site, but to forums as well. Hopefully I have choosen the appropriate area to post this. I am feeling extremely guilty. I am not in an ongoing relationship w commited man, but recently I had a severe error in judgment, and had a one night stand w a friends boyfriend. He promptly confessed to her the next morning and I have rightly so, been shuned by not only her but any of our mutual friends, save only a few. I am very aware that I was in the wrong, but I'm conflicted in several areas. First of all is, what if anything I should say to her. At this point she has not contacted her and I've left her alone, as there is nothing I can say to make her feel better. Secondly, her BF has demonized me in the whole situation. He has openly called me "the worst mistake of his life, that cost him the best thing that ever happened to him". I'm not even sure what I'm seeking here, maybe just validation that I am not a lost cause as a human being, or maybe that I am.
secretlady76 Posted June 8, 2010 Posted June 8, 2010 hello, please bear with me, not only am I new to this site, but to forums as well. Hopefully I have choosen the appropriate area to post this. I am feeling extremely guilty. I am not in an ongoing relationship w commited man, but recently I had a severe error in judgment, and had a one night stand w a friends boyfriend. He promptly confessed to her the next morning and I have rightly so, been shuned by not only her but any of our mutual friends, save only a few. I don't need to tell you that this is prossibly the worst thing you can do to a friend!!! I am very aware that I was in the wrong, but I'm conflicted in several areas. First of all is, what if anything I should say to her. You say nothing and keep away from her. I mean if you were her, would you really want you coming up and saying anything? Words cannot express her feeling towards you, trust me, they will be less than complimentary... At this point she has not contacted her and I've left her alone, as there is nothing I can say to make her feel better. Secondly, her BF has demonized me in the whole situation. He has openly called me "the worst mistake of his life, that cost him the best thing that ever happened to him". Of course he was going to say that to save face. He will of course come off better than you, they always do. However, she will probably in the end get rid of him once the anger sets in. He however sounds like an ar*e and needs to be kept away from too. I'm not even sure what I'm seeking here, maybe just validation that I am not a lost cause as a human being, or maybe that I am. You're not a lost cause but you need to accept that the next few months are not going to be much fun. Keep your head down. I'm afraid people don't forget and of course the two of them will have made you sound a lot worse than you actually are. Just stick with those who HAVEN'T judged you....good luck.
Author Nightshades Thorns Posted June 8, 2010 Author Posted June 8, 2010 You're not a lost cause but you need to accept that the next few months are not going to be much fun. Keep your head down. I'm afraid people don't forget and of course the two of them will have made you sound a lot worse than you actually are. Just stick with those who HAVEN'T judged you....good luck. Thank you, trust me I know how badly I messed up but it's still nice to hear any words of encouragement. The really messed up part was that the next day, he asked, "where it left us?" Only after I didnt reciprocate a desire to continue any type of relationship did he then become hostile.
secretlady76 Posted June 8, 2010 Posted June 8, 2010 Typical man, once he realise you regretted what had happened and wasn't going to have a repeat performance, he probably worried that you were going to go to his girlfriend and spill the beans, so he got there first, portraying you as some vampire woman who wouldn't say No. Idiot. Oh well, what is done is done. Accept it and move on, well try and move on!!!!!
Author Nightshades Thorns Posted June 8, 2010 Author Posted June 8, 2010 The funny part was I had no intention of telling her. Not only because I didnt want to be caught, which I didnt. More importantly, to spare her feelings. I know honesty is usually the best idea, but I believe that at the appropriate times, that honesty should be tempered w mercy. If he was so over come w guilt over it, its understandable, but telling her he had just slept with one of her friends, served only to add to her pain and ease his own. Maybe thats why I'm having such a hard time w it, because he has chosen to take the path that causes everyone but himself the most hurt. Undoubtably hers, and then by making me the sole person at fault.
JustJoe Posted June 8, 2010 Posted June 8, 2010 NT, right now you are feeling sorry for yourself, so the first thing to do is get over it. Then you must realize that what you and he have done is to upset the group dynamic that you and your friends have built, and that it will never be the same, no matter how hard you try. You also must realize that if you were a true friend,, you should have been the one to disclose the ONS, not the BF. If you had a steady BF and he cheated with one of your friends, wouldn't you feel better towards that friend if she came to you and was honest? By not disclosing, you showed that you were more worried about being caught, don't respect your friend, and that you can't be trusted with any of your friend's BFs. How many friends will be OK with that? In this situation, the one who discloses, usually suffers less than the one who remains silent. Because he told her first, you are now the slut, and that's how your friends will look at it. If you had told, then you would have shown to your friend that it's her BF, who can't be trusted, and that you respect and care for her, enough to make amends. I think that in your situation, you will probably have to find a new circle of friends. This group will probably never forget this , and because you were silent, you will always be mis-trusted. Remember this , in the future, and try to be a better friend, and also try to be less selfish and more caring . The golden rule applies, do to your friends, how you would want them to do to you. Good Luck
JustJoe Posted June 8, 2010 Posted June 8, 2010 BTW, this doesn't mean you're a bad person, it just means that you made an immature mistake, and need to change your behavior so that nothing like this happens again. You'll be OK.
Owl Posted June 8, 2010 Posted June 8, 2010 I'm curious if you've told the man you're committed to what happened?
Author Nightshades Thorns Posted June 8, 2010 Author Posted June 8, 2010 your absolutely right, I am feeling a little sorry for myself, even though Im not the victim. for lack of a better term; buyers remorse. I also absolutely know, that our friendship is over and what that group of ppl will always think of me, and if bashing me helps her feel better then I encourage her. I expect no less. I hadnt mentioned it earlier b/c it was a seperate incident, but I do know what shes feeling like, as I WAS the victim of betrayal when I was married, however my husband at the time didnt cheat on me w a friend, but instead w a MUCH younger, (as in not legally able to drive) girl. So my musings about disclosure are not recent revelations about being told such things. The girl is the one that disclosed to me btw. I appreciate your second message. I know that I did a very bad thing, but that I must learn from it and make better choices in the future, instead of allowing it to define me. I suppose I just need a "safe" forum at this point.
Author Nightshades Thorns Posted June 8, 2010 Author Posted June 8, 2010 I'm curious if you've told the man you're committed to what happened? I'm not committed to anyone.
JustJoe Posted June 8, 2010 Posted June 8, 2010 NT, that's what we are here for, to provide a place where people can come and get ideas and different perspectives about their issues. I'm no angel and have been in an EMA, so I can give some insights into this problem , that others might not have. True friendship sometimes requires us to hurt our friends feelings, in order to save them far worse hurt in the future.
Author Nightshades Thorns Posted June 8, 2010 Author Posted June 8, 2010 NT, that's what we are here for, to provide a place where people can come and get ideas and different perspectives about their issues. I'm no angel and have been in an EMA, so I can give some insights into this problem , that others might not have. True friendship sometimes requires us to hurt our friends feelings, in order to save them far worse hurt in the future. Thats the other thing thats been nagging at me. Im the type of person that looks for something/anything good to come out of bad situations. In that regard I've been thinking a lot about any positive from this. And please dont take this as me justifying what I did at all! But I cant help but think that I liked both of them as ppl, but constantly cautioned her about the relationship, b/c he was never as committed as her, and obvious about it. (They have been on again and off again lately b/c of this) Icant help but wonder, what my motivations were: did i just show an extreme lack of judgment, or did I subconsciously do it on purpose to prove to her what kind of person he really is...at last report she had stopped the relationship in it tracks. and then which one is worse? I admit Im not upset theyre not together, now she'll have a solid reason to drop him and stay away.....therefore re-opening the possibility for her to have children in the future, which she desperately wants. Either reason is still unexusable, but I've been pondering this often lately
Fieldsofgold Posted June 8, 2010 Posted June 8, 2010 I think there are several good things that could come out of it. She learned he was untrustworthy and not who she needed to be with. Hopefully you learned to not betray your friends. Hopefully you learned not to mess with someone else's man. (thankfully they were not married with children - that would have been sad.) We have all done things we are ashamed of, have all done things we wished we hadn't done. (Well, most of us. Some seem to have no concience.) Be thankful that you have enough integrity and good character about you to feel bad for what you did. That may be the most encouraging thing about the whole situation. You're a good enough person to feel bad about it! Forgive yourself, remember the lessons learned, and move on.
Owl Posted June 8, 2010 Posted June 8, 2010 I'm not committed to anyone. My apologies, I completely misread that sentence in your original post. Chalk this up as a "painful learning experience", and realize that you're probably going to have to get a new circle of friends.
Author Nightshades Thorns Posted June 8, 2010 Author Posted June 8, 2010 My apologies, I completely misread that sentence in your original post. Chalk this up as a "painful learning experience", and realize that you're probably going to have to get a new circle of friends. no prob. Luckily my friends are not all composed of just one set clique, so that particular circle of friends is basically gone, (Im fairly certain they've already issued the 'shot to kill' orders, but other circles of my friends know a few a her friendsm and then others dont know them at all, so at least I wont be friendless. Interestingly enough, 2 of her close friends have not banished me, both men and one of them is the "guy" in question's roomate! Btw: the shot to kill orders, is symbolic, not literal
secretlady76 Posted June 8, 2010 Posted June 8, 2010 Interestingly enough, 2 of her close friends have not banished me, both men and one of them is the "guy" in question's roomate! That's men for you. Beware, they'll both be trying to get their leg over next...
Author Nightshades Thorns Posted June 8, 2010 Author Posted June 8, 2010 That's men for you. Beware, they'll both be trying to get their leg over next... Yeah, your prob right...
Author Nightshades Thorns Posted June 8, 2010 Author Posted June 8, 2010 I hope you have removed that clique of friends from any of your social networking like Facebook and what not. I suppose it is no contact with that group of people from here on out, they will not let you live that mistake down. I am assuming that as far as they are concerned you are the slut that the girls need to keep their men away from. Women can be so malicious. Consider it a lesson learned, like everyone said. Mistakes happen, and at least you recognized it as just that. Welcome to forum life, btw! They can be very helpful... albeit addicting. Ty, it has been extremely helpful! Oh, I got un-friended sooo hard the other day! I only found out she knew, after her (ex)BF emailed me, so they all took the initiative to take care of the FB thing before I even knew. But yes, I am now officially the "homewrecking whore". Im not surprised that the few ppl still talking to me are the guys, (in this instance), they are far more understanding of sexual F-ups. I always have been closer to the guys than I ever was her. I talked and hung out w the "forgiving" guys FAR more often then her. She usually only contacted me when she wanted something. The 2 guys still talking to me are the only ppl that are holding her BF just as responsible as me, and his roomate, more so, b/c her BF was the one to take the initiative that night. (I'm actually not sure if who took the initiative really matters, but at least they arent assuming that I chased him around until I simply wore down his resistance ....which just stupidly plays into his innocent act)
pureinheart Posted June 8, 2010 Posted June 8, 2010 hello, please bear with me, not only am I new to this site, but to forums as well. Hey, welcome to the forum, sorry it had to be under these conditions. Hopefully I have choosen the appropriate area to post this. I am feeling extremely guilty. I am not in an ongoing relationship w commited man, but recently I had a severe error in judgment, and had a one night stand w a friends boyfriend. He promptly confessed to her the next morning and I have rightly so, been shuned by not only her but any of our mutual friends, save only a few. The friends that turned their backs on you were mostlikely not your friends anyway, be glad you know who your friends really are. I am very aware that I was in the wrong, but I'm conflicted in several areas. First of all is, what if anything I should say to her. At this point she has not contacted her and I've left her alone, as there is nothing I can say to make her feel better. Secondly, her BF has demonized me in the whole situation. He has openly called me "the worst mistake of his life, that cost him the best thing that ever happened to him". Actually he is the worst mistake of your life...turn the tables...who's the demon here? I'm not even sure what I'm seeking here, maybe just validation that I am not a lost cause as a human being, or maybe that I am. You are definitly not a lost cause...hopefully you will find a new crowd and put this behind you ASAP...life is way too short, live it while you can!!!!
pureinheart Posted June 8, 2010 Posted June 8, 2010 (this quote was meant for LisaLee) Ty, it has been extremely helpful! Oh, I got un-friended sooo hard the other day! I only found out she knew, after her (ex)BF emailed me, so they all took the initiative to take care of the FB thing before I even knew. But yes, I am now officially the "homewrecking whore". Im not surprised that the few ppl still talking to me are the guys, (in this instance), they are far more understanding of sexual F-ups. I always have been closer to the guys than I ever was her. I talked and hung out w the "forgiving" guys FAR more often then her. She usually only contacted me when she wanted something. The 2 guys still talking to me are the only ppl that are holding her BF just as responsible as me, and his roomate, more so, b/c her BF was the one to take the initiative that night. (I'm actually not sure if who took the initiative really matters, but at least they arent assuming that I chased him around until I simply wore down his resistance ....which just stupidly plays into his innocent act) Ok...this confirms it. It hurts to be removed completely from people you hang out with, but on down the road you will be that much wiser. Me and my group of friends...we all messed up, but always stayed closely knitted together...to this day!!!!!!! MORE THAN 30 yrs LATER!!!!!!!!! Now these my dear are FRIENDS with a capitol F....find some friends like this...k... Everybody messes up and for them to behave that way is certainly their right, although it is your right also to understand what true friendship is...you made a mistake period...both of you fessed up...so really this sounds like a gossipy bunch to me anyway. Hey, you can be our friend here on LS!!!!!!!
Author Nightshades Thorns Posted June 8, 2010 Author Posted June 8, 2010 (this quote was meant for LisaLee) Ok...this confirms it. It hurts to be removed completely from people you hang out with, but on down the road you will be that much wiser. Me and my group of friends...we all messed up, but always stayed closely knitted together...to this day!!!!!!! MORE THAN 30 yrs LATER!!!!!!!!! Now these my dear are FRIENDS with a capitol F....find some friends like this...k... Everybody messes up and for them to behave that way is certainly their right, although it is your right also to understand what true friendship is...you made a mistake period...both of you fessed up...so really this sounds like a gossipy bunch to me anyway. Hey, you can be our friend here on LS!!!!!!! AMEN! if it wasnt for my real friends, I dont know what I would do! I called my BFF yesterday, (he lives across the country) and told him what happened. He didnt condemn or condone what I did, just simply said, "Yeah girl, you ****ed up!" and then went on to remind me of his past major SNAFUs!
jwi71 Posted June 8, 2010 Posted June 8, 2010 I am feeling extremely guilty. I am not in an ongoing relationship w commited man, but recently I had a severe error in judgment, and had a one night stand w a friends boyfriend. He promptly confessed to her the next morning and I have rightly so, been shuned by not only her but any of our mutual friends, save only a few. Actions and consequences. She will clearly no longer consider you a friend and rightfully so. Following the same line of reasoning, those in the clique who are shunning you also have every right and reason to do so. If you would like to maintain those friendships then perhaps you should contact them and, as you have above, speak plainly and honestly. At best, they come to an understanding and forgive...you get your friends back. At worst, you get called all kinds of of unpleasant things rhyming with "bore". First of all is, what if anything I should say to her. Nothing. At this point she has not contacted her and I've left her alone, as there is nothing I can say to make her feel better. Exactly why you say nothing to her. Let her be. Secondly, her BF has demonized me in the whole situation. He has openly called me "the worst mistake of his life, that cost him the best thing that ever happened to him". Weasel. He's trying to minimize the damage and shirking his role in the whole affair (pun intended). Perhaps he should be reminded you didn't forcibly rape him that night. I'm not even sure what I'm seeking here, maybe just validation that I am not a lost cause as a human being, or maybe that I am. Lord no. You made a horrendous decision. Own it, learn some lessons, develop boundaries and move forward. Lost cause? Hardly.
Fieldsofgold Posted June 8, 2010 Posted June 8, 2010 Do you think it would be bad to write her an apology note, just telling her you deeply regret what happened, maybe asking her forgiveness? I'm trying to put myself in her shoes. I'm sure it wouldn't heal the friendship - not intended to - but it might help make amends.
Dexter Morgan Posted June 8, 2010 Posted June 8, 2010 hello, please bear with me, not only am I new to this site, but to forums as well. Hopefully I have choosen the appropriate area to post this. I am feeling extremely guilty. I am not in an ongoing relationship w commited man, but recently I had a severe error in judgment, and had a one night stand w a friends boyfriend. so you are in a R with a committed man, AND you messed around with a friend's bf? sounds like more than ONE severe error in judgement. sounds like a character issue.
Fieldsofgold Posted June 8, 2010 Posted June 8, 2010 so you are in a R with a committed man, AND you messed around with a friend's bf? sounds like more than ONE severe error in judgement. sounds like a character issue. No, she's not in a relationship with anyone. But did have ONS with a friend's bf.
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