EmeraldHeart Posted June 8, 2010 Posted June 8, 2010 I feel that the current guy I am seeing is acting ambivalent and I have been bothered by this. The first 2 weeks were very different from the last 3 weeks. Granted we have only been going out for 6 weeks, but it has just occurred to me that many things I have said to him may seem like I am ambivalent towards this new relationship, when I am in fact not. I hope there is something I can do to turn the tide. When I first felt overwhelmed by how often he was calling me I let him know that I don't need to speak to people everyday and can actually go weeks in between talking to someone...which is true, but I try and not let that happen. We probably only talk 2 times a week outside of work compared to 3-4 like before. When we might not be able to see each other, I tell him it is no big deal. We live 35 minutes apart and when he has offered to pick me up I have told him that I don't want him to go out of his way and he stated that it wouldn't be going out of his way. I have since let him pick me up twice, but I always tell him I don't want to be a burden. Anyone else experience something similar?
that girl Posted June 8, 2010 Posted June 8, 2010 While I think ambivelence can bred ambivelence, I don't think this is what is going on. He seems interested. But I think you are putting so much work into being low maitenence that you will likely regret it when a few months down the road he making no effort (but following your instructions). I'm not a big phone person either, but I don't see why you would tell a guy you can go months without speaking to someone. Those people you go months without a phone call are likely friends, not boyfriends and a month without a phone call could be a huge deal with a boyfriend. As for the picking you up, you only have to say every once in awhile that he doesn't need to go out of his way. If he is offering to pick you up repeatedly, he doesn't mind. But making a huge thing of it when he is so willing, you're kind of insulting his effort. The better response is "Thank you."
paddington bear Posted June 8, 2010 Posted June 8, 2010 While I think ambivelence can bred ambivelence, I don't think this is what is going on. He seems interested. But I think you are putting so much work into being low maitenence that you will likely regret it when a few months down the road he making no effort (but following your instructions). I'm not a big phone person either, but I don't see why you would tell a guy you can go months without speaking to someone. Those people you go months without a phone call are likely friends, not boyfriends and a month without a phone call could be a huge deal with a boyfriend. As for the picking you up, you only have to say every once in awhile that he doesn't need to go out of his way. If he is offering to pick you up repeatedly, he doesn't mind. But making a huge thing of it when he is so willing, you're kind of insulting his effort. The better response is "Thank you." Agree 100%. He wants to do nice things for you, he wants to speak with you and you are in a roundabout way, rejecting that. So, he is now trying to please you by doing what you want, not picking you up, not calling so often and now you don't like it. Instead of saying you don't want to be a burden, say 'thank you for offering to pick me up, that would be great'. As the previous poster said, you will regret this attitude of being low-maintenance down the line, when he puts less and less effort it and then you will get resentful. He wants to treat you like a princess. Let him!
Author EmeraldHeart Posted June 8, 2010 Author Posted June 8, 2010 (edited) I don't know that he has ever tried or wants to treat me like a princess, but I agree with what both of you are saying. The reason I brought up not talking to friends for months at a time, in the beginning, is that he was coming on too strong and now he is barely making an effort. When he told me that he probably couldn't see me this weekend due to his injured dog...I told him no big deal when I wanted to say, that I could come hang at his place. He wanted to bring the dog to my place, which wasn't possible this past weekend and so I told him that couldn't happen because my roommate was hosting a gathering. You hit the nail on the head! It is my thing to make sure I am low maintenance in a relationship. I have done it for so many years. It is a hard habit to break. I hope that I haven't ruined my chances with this man, because I really have/had hope for this relationship. Do you think it is too late to turn things around? What advice would you give? BTW, thank you for your responses. Edited June 8, 2010 by EmeraldHeart
RedRussian Posted June 8, 2010 Posted June 8, 2010 It's not to late just be more active with him, call him first some times, engage him in conversations and be happy to see him and to opportunity of meeting.
Author EmeraldHeart Posted June 8, 2010 Author Posted June 8, 2010 I do initiate calls and I don't have a problem doing so. I initiated texting today to let him know that I would be showing up to work early and hopefully we would see one another. He responded, Ok. It has been so hard since my vehicle has been out of service for about a month, to see each other and it is becoming very frustrating. I don't want to ask him to pick me up and he doesn't always offer. He just wants to hang down here with his dog in tow and that isn't possible at the moment because my dog just sustained a back injury and can't play or jump, etc. He thinks I am just making up excuses and I am not. The last time we saw each other was just hanging at my place. I really want to see him, but I want to feel like he wants to see me as well. He says he wants to see me, he wants it to be like the first couple of weeks were like, but he doesn't do anything to make that happen. UGH! Maybe it is just hopeless and I am refusing to see it because I really like him. He may just not be feeling me the way I am feeling him.
that girl Posted June 9, 2010 Posted June 9, 2010 It is pretty likely that the reason he doesn't offer to pick you up is because you have made such a huge deal of it in the past. You really cannot complain about him not offering to pick you up when you make it clear you are uncomfortable with him picking you up. There is no reason you couldn't have told him you could hang out this weekend if he could pick you up. You could still do that. It wouldn't even occur to me that him driving to meet you is a huge imposition because it is basically the only option. Obviously it is a bit of a hassle for him, but it isn't your fault and pressumably he enjoys spending time with you. You are expecting this guy to read your mind while putting up all these roadbocks that you think make you low maitenance.
witabix Posted June 9, 2010 Posted June 9, 2010 .... You are expecting this guy to read your mind while putting up all these roadbocks that you think make you low maitenance. Yep, what do you want him to do? He tried to friendly and you blew him off in a roundabout kind of way. I have had this done to me, it doesn't breed a feeling of closeness, quite the opposite. I always thought she is not too interested so I back off and then get accusations of disinterest. Don't play hard to get, a lot of men don't like it. It is too confusing.
callingyouuu Posted June 9, 2010 Posted June 9, 2010 You've already set a precedent that you don't want to be a burden, and he's responding just like any guy would do in that situation. He tried to show interest, and you kind of shot him down. You're right; your ambivalence did breed his ambivalence. To fix this, you need to end the cycle. Call him, suggest a fun date outside of your houses, see if he's interested, and then ask him to pick you up at an appropriate time.
Author EmeraldHeart Posted June 10, 2010 Author Posted June 10, 2010 We were speaking last night and I am trying to undo some of what I have done. I am trying to make sure he knows that I am interested...he already knows that I am, but I am trying to make sure there isn't a doubt about that. We were talking on the phone and then his cell phone rang, this is after midnight, and I stated that someone is calling him late. He responded that it was a woman he dated and I asked if he still spoke with her and he said no. He said she had many problems, more like demons. I told him that I didn't need to know about it and he continued on about the drinking problem she had....He stated that she is probably calling because no one else will talk to her. Anyone find this strange? He and I talked about only seeing one another to see where this leads a few weeks ago. Mind you, this is only a 6-7 weeks into us dating. I admit, the phone call he reeceived made me uncomfortable, but I thanked him for being honest and telling me. We were trying to set up plans for the weekend...dinner, maybe the conservatory. I did state that I would like to do something outside of either of our homes. The place I mentioned for dinner he is very interested in. He then mentioned things he may need to do this weekend when trying to decide which day is best. He has to get his motorcycle inspected. He mentioned he may be going on a fireworks run a couple of hours away for the 4th of July. I asked who he is going with...he said no one, he will go by himself. I asked if I could come along. I was trying to show that I am willing to do things he is interested in. Well, that backfired. He hesitated and I asked if he thought I was being pushy. He so umm, no...that he thought I was being quizzical with asking who he was going with. I said that I thought it was a macho thing and that he might be going with his brothers. This happened right after he received the call from his ex. I told him that I was not asking for the reasons he thought I was( taking another woman). I told him that I am going to take his word on such matters (that he isn't seeing anyone else and isn't interested in seeing anyone else) and figure he is being honest with me. He then stated that he thought I might be bored because he buys his stuff at a hunting/sporting place and that he might not go and the he doesn't go every year. He then said he didn't have the money anyway. I said I was just trying to see about spending time together. It isn't about money, but about quality time together, which we have been lacking. Later in the conversation he mentioned this next pay, friday, is his big 22 hours of overtime paycheck. Also, another contradiction, his vacation time for this coming week was rejected at work and he was bummed, he would have had the money for that...going to the beach with his family. By the end of our conversation, we didn't make plans for the weekend and I sarcastically said, please let me know when you decide when you can fit me in so I tell other people that I may make plans this weekend with, when I am available. He did NOT pick up on the sarcasm. Is he sending me red flags that I am choosing to ignore or am I being way too critical and over analyzing things? I have been out of the dating game for a while and I admit to having trust issues. I don't know how to read this guy and I tell him that all the time.
that girl Posted June 10, 2010 Posted June 10, 2010 I don't think the issue is that he thinks you're not interested and I don't think anyone else has posted that they think that is the issue. You are giving mixed signals. You discourage him from making the very basic effort of picking you up or coming to see you and then you complain that he isn't seeing you. The 4th of July thing is weird. It does sound like you were quizzing him rather than asking if he wanted to spend the holiday together. And I'm not sure I would have asked about spending a holiday together that is a month away when you have only been dating 6 weeks. But that part isn't a big deal. I don't get the sarcasm either. Why not just say, "Call me tomorrow so I know whether or not we are meeting up this weekend. If not I need to make other plans." Why go with the sarcasm? You need to calm down because you're sounding crazy. You need to be more upfront and stop obessessing and game playing.
Author EmeraldHeart Posted June 10, 2010 Author Posted June 10, 2010 I didn't ask him about spending 4th of July together. He called to make plans to see one another this weekend. He then proceeded to tell me why he doesn't know when/if he can see me this weekend....one reason being he may be going on a fireworks run to purchase fireworks for the 4th of July. I thought he may be going with his brothers, which is why I asked, when he said he was making the trip alone, I asked if he would like some company. He then backtracked stating that he doesn't have the money and so on. I was trying to see about spending time together. We didn't see each other last weekend and he said he wants it to go back to the first few weeks of dating when we saw each other a couple of times a week. I went with the sarcasm because HE called to make plans and then couldn't decide on whether there will be any plans. I think that is game playing. I let him know what I was interested in doing when he asked and then it boiled down to he doesn't know. I probably am a bit crazy...lol!
paddington bear Posted June 10, 2010 Posted June 10, 2010 Leaving your own 'I'm sooo low maintenance' confusing behaviour out of the whole thing, I've noticed many guys who come on really strong at the beginning just suddenly cool off with no explanation. I find it strange that he doesn't want you to come with him while he picks up fireworks just to get to spend some time with you. And the ex calling (for me anyway) is a red flag. Someone he used to be intimate with is using him still as an emotional crutch - even if he says she has demons, he still picks up the phone. Aside from that, start unlearning the low maintenance thing - hard habit to break as I kind of act the same, it's ingrained, but honestly does you no favours. So, start getting used to saying 'sorry, you can't come here because of the dog, but how about I come to you instead?' 'Thanks for the offer to pick me up' 'oh that's a shame, it would have been fun picking out fireworks with you' and so on...What happens if you do what you are doing is that slowly slowly resentment builds that he doesn't want to see you or whatever issues there is, but sometimes you have to spell it out - women seem to pick up on the unsaid signals from other women, but most men don't so, practice actually saying the words - for this guy and future guys. Meantime keep an eye on his sudden apathy and maybe even say to him 'look you came on too strong at the beginning and it scared me a bit, but I do like you, and now it seems you are not that interested any more'.
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