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Are you in a longterm relationship & still have sexual chemistry?

confuzzled68

By confuzzled68
in Marriage and Life Partnerships

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confuzzled68 Member

confuzzled68

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I'm looking for feedback from people who are in a long-term relationship (more than 3 years) and are still physically attracted to their spouse.

 

Let me clarify what I mean: I do believe that no relationship can sustain the intense, passionate, floating on the clouds feeling that is at the beginning of a relationship. Those chemicals released at the beginning, don't last. Science has established that. And thank goodness, because you'd never be able to get anything done because it is almost an obsessive kind of love at that stage.

 

What I"m trying to figure out is does that lust, physical attraction, sexual chemistry just FADE/come and go or does it always DISAPPEAR completely once you've been together a few years?

 

Can you have companionate love and still (at least sometimes) get turned on looking at your spouse and want to jump his/her bones? Or is it one or the other: companionate love OR sexual chemistry?

 

I'm not really interested in just opinion unless that opinion is based on personal experience.

 

Thanks in advance for any insight you can give.

ADF Established Member

ADF

Posted
Posted

Actually, I've found sex often gets better with someone over time. Let's face it--the first time you have sex with someone is probably not gonna be the best. You don't know the person, don't know what they like. As you grow to know each other sexually, the quality of your sex together often imprvoes. At least, that's been my experience.

allina Established Member

allina

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I have been with my fiance for about 4 years and we still have amazing physical chemistry. We have sex often, have great sex and enjoy being "all over each other." :p:laugh::love:

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confuzzled68 Member

confuzzled68

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Thanks for your input. A follow up question for you: Do you live together and, if so, how long have you lived together?

 

I have been with my fiance for about 4 years and we still have amazing physical chemistry. We have sex often, have great sex and enjoy being "all over each other." :p:laugh::love:
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confuzzled68 Member

confuzzled68

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may I ask how long you've been with your partner?

 

Actually, I've found sex often gets better with someone over time. Let's face it--the first time you have sex with someone is probably not gonna be the best. You don't know the person, don't know what they like. As you grow to know each other sexually, the quality of your sex together often imprvoes. At least, that's been my experience.
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confuzzled68 Member

confuzzled68

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Allina, another question for you: Would you say you and your fiance get along well on a daily basis or is there a lot of conflict/arguing? Would you say you are best friends or is any of the emotional connection lacking? I ask because I've heard some say that the hot sex is usually with people you have conflict with. That you can't have both a strong friendship and strong sexual relationship.

 

I have been with my fiance for about 4 years and we still have amazing physical chemistry. We have sex often, have great sex and enjoy being "all over each other." :p:laugh::love:
allina Established Member

allina

Posted
Posted
Thanks for your input. A follow up question for you: Do you live together and, if so, how long have you lived together?

 

We live together. We have lived together for about 3 years.

 

Allina, another question for you: Would you say you and your fiance get along well on a daily basis or is there a lot of conflict/arguing? Would you say you are best friends or is any of the emotional connection lacking? I ask because I've heard some say that the hot sex is usually with people you have conflict with. That you can't have both a strong friendship and strong sexual relationship.

 

He's more than my best friend and we get along very well. We actually don't fight and argue a lot, we have a really mellow and supportive relationship, but it is not boring. We definitely don't have the type of relationship where you get in to huge, dramatic fights then have great make-up sex.

 

We honestly love each other a ton and we're really happy. I think a part of it comes from us having fun together, doing different things while still maintaining our own separate friends and hobbies.

ADF Established Member

ADF

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may I ask how long you've been with your partner?

 

The longest I was with a partner ws for six years.

She's_NotInLove_w/Me Established Member

She's_NotInLove_w/Me

Posted
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I have been in a relationship 17 years. Both my wife and I have only had one sexual partner in our entire lives.

 

I would define our sex life as passionate, loving, and sometimes even containing highly erotic charge....

 

We certainly have our issues, but the quality of sex and/or level of sexual attraction is not one of them. The frequency and/or quantity sometimes can be.

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confuzzled68 Member

confuzzled68

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If you can say that you are in a LTR AND you still have sexual chemistry, can you elaborate on the other parts of your relationship? Do you have alot of conflict/fighting outside the bedroom? Or do you feel you have a healthy emotional connection/friendship PLUS the sexual? Because i've heard some say that the great sex is with people that you will have conflict with...that you can't have good sexual relationship AND good day-to-day loving friendship (at least not in a long term relationship).

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confuzzled68 Member

confuzzled68

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I appreciate your input. I have to ask though....looking at your user name 'she's not in love with me'.. .does that mean you have good sex but there are issues elsewhere in your relationship? She's not in love with you but you have good sex?

 

I have been in a relationship 17 years. Both my wife and I have only had one sexual partner in our entire lives.

 

I would define our sex life as passionate, loving, and sometimes even containing highly erotic charge....

 

We certainly have our issues, but the quality of sex and/or level of sexual attraction is not one of them. The frequency and/or quantity sometimes can be.

Edited by confuzzled68
mem11363 Established Member

mem11363

Posted
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Together 21 years. Married for 20. Both 47. First/only marriage for both of us. Each had about 20 sexual partners before we met.

 

Great chemistry from the start.

 

We are BOTH in love with each other. I would say more than half our marriage has been "in love" the other half "strong love".

 

Chemistry and sex has been good to great to incredible all the way through. During love - it is good - during in love great/amazing.

 

Neither of us has cheated.

 

We DO have INTENSE conflict on occasion. This is a rough estimate but I think it is close: 19 days out of 20 are paradise, 1 day in 20 is all out emotional warfare. Never physically hit/hurt each other - we very rarely use bad language - almost never employ hateful personal attacks. BUT during a fight, some fairly painful things may get said in anger. Generally though they are about the specific issue - and usually it is NOT worth the amount of conflict.

 

My wife has told me she finds fighting cathartic. I absolutely believe that if I did not fight with her, when she wants conflict (I would estimate she initiates our fights 2/3 of the time by pushing boundaries - doing male fitness testing) her respect/passion/desire would slowly fade.

 

As for the raw physical - we have both stayed in good shape - I definitely get turned on looking at her/touching her.

 

I am a little bit reserved emotionally with her. I say and do all the love stuff less than I want, and a little bit less than she wants. This requires effort but I am convinced it produces a lot of sexual heat for BOTH of us.

 

 

I'm looking for feedback from people who are in a long-term relationship (more than 3 years) and are still physically attracted to their spouse.

 

Let me clarify what I mean: I do believe that no relationship can sustain the intense, passionate, floating on the clouds feeling that is at the beginning of a relationship. Those chemicals released at the beginning, don't last. Science has established that. And thank goodness, because you'd never be able to get anything done because it is almost an obsessive kind of love at that stage.

 

What I"m trying to figure out is does that lust, physical attraction, sexual chemistry just FADE/come and go or does it always DISAPPEAR completely once you've been together a few years?

 

Can you have companionate love and still (at least sometimes) get turned on looking at your spouse and want to jump his/her bones? Or is it one or the other: companionate love OR sexual chemistry?

 

I'm not really interested in just opinion unless that opinion is based on personal experience.

 

Thanks in advance for any insight you can give.

xxoo Established Member

xxoo

Posted
Posted

My H and I are best friends. We've been married 17 years, and sexual partners for 19.

 

I am deeply attracted to him. A sniff of his neck makes me rub parts against him. We are experiencing a second (third?) honeymoon of sorts, as our children are now of an age to "go off and play" and give us some alone time in the afternoon. Afternoon grope sessions are daily, with an ear out for approaching children.

 

Again, as the kids are getting older/easier (at least in terms of neediness), the sex at night is pretty frequent right now. And experimental, after too many years doing it hurriedly before a baby woke up :o

 

It isn't the same as the first couple of years. Then, I couldn't sit next to him at dinner without having dirty thoughts. I can eat dinner in peace now. But, honestly, the sex is more deeply satisfying now. He's had 2 decades to study my body (his favorite subject, lol) and learn how to make it "sing". He's quite good at it! :D

 

We've never had "make up" sex, though. I'm not sure how that even works.

 

Also, my libido was quite low the year after each child was born. We didn't have much sex that first year, each time.

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confuzzled68 Member

confuzzled68

Posted
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Thank you so much for sharing. It is good to know that "it" actually does exist.

 

My H and I are best friends. We've been married 17 years, and sexual partners for 19.

 

I am deeply attracted to him. A sniff of his neck makes me rub parts against him. We are experiencing a second (third?) honeymoon of sorts, as our children are now of an age to "go off and play" and give us some alone time in the afternoon. Afternoon grope sessions are daily, with an ear out for approaching children.

 

Again, as the kids are getting older/easier (at least in terms of neediness), the sex at night is pretty frequent right now. And experimental, after too many years doing it hurriedly before a baby woke up :o

 

It isn't the same as the first couple of years. Then, I couldn't sit next to him at dinner without having dirty thoughts. I can eat dinner in peace now. But, honestly, the sex is more deeply satisfying now. He's had 2 decades to study my body (his favorite subject, lol) and learn how to make it "sing". He's quite good at it! :D

 

We've never had "make up" sex, though. I'm not sure how that even works.

 

Also, my libido was quite low the year after each child was born. We didn't have much sex that first year, each time.

silktricks Established Member

silktricks

Posted
Posted

We've been together over 30 years. Though we have gone through periods of waxing and waning, as I believe is true with most couples, we have always had sexual chemistry together. He is IMO the most desirable man I have ever met - certainly ever been with. The touch of his hand is still electrifying.

 

He tells me I am "hot" and his actions bear out that I truly am hot as far as he's concerned.

Lecturer Established Member

Lecturer

Posted
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Together 11 years. Each other's first and only partners. For the first 2 years (high school and 1st year uni) we had sex every opportunity, as much as possible. She then went through depression and basically terminated our sex life, putting great strain on the relationship. I stayed with her, and after 1-2 years she recovered from depression but our sex life never fully recovered.

 

She remained the 'limiting factor' - and that "all-over-each-other" chemistry was no longer there, since it requires both people to feel it (I certainly did, but she did not). This continued (me hungering for her constantly, her fluctuating) until about a year ago. At times she'd rise to my level and things would be good (getting pregnant and during pregnancy), and other times she'd be much lower.

 

Around a year ago, my sexuality 'broadened', and I became more and more frustrated with her/us. After some conflicts/discussion, she started increasing her efforts, but I think it was too late. The last few months I feel I've lost the chemistry for her - she is incredibly attractive, but I don't see her that way anymore. Put simply, I'm still horny but I don't lust for her anymore. Ironically, I'm now in the best shape of my life (workout 6-7 nights a week), and I think she has started lusting for me almost as much as in our first 2 years together.

crazycatlady Established Member

crazycatlady

Posted
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Together 14 years, married 13 years in August.

 

Very intense physical connection from the very first time meeting face to face, however we were debating things online for three years before we actually met. So our arguing has gone on longer. Its not fighting, we both have very strong opinions and will argue it out until one of us is proven right, we agree to disagree, or on rare occassions we win the other other.

 

We find the other to bring a balance in each of us. He keeps me from being overly optimistic about people, and I keep him from being overly pessimistic. I can't say he is my best friend nor am I his...what we are is so much more beyond friendship. Its a connection that I;ve never been able to explain. I'm not religious, not even really spiritual....however if I did believe I honestly would say he is my soulmate. We complete each other emotionally and physically.

 

The physical connection comes and goes. Now a days I try to keep the goes to a minimum by having sex when I might not feel like it, thinking dirty thoughts on purpose, it helps me keep interested. Our biggest issue is the fact that he's a morning sex and I'm an afternoon sex person. I have great difficulties actually reaching an orgasm in the morning, and he has no interest in the afternoons very often. But we both like nights.

 

Even when we are apart we often sextext cybersex or phonesex lol.

 

He is the sexiest man to me. And he feels I am the sexiest woman. We have a great deal of fun in and out of the bedroom.

asrgal Member

asrgal

Posted
Posted

My bf and I have been together for over 4 years. At this point he works out of town, but just for a total of 8 month and we see each other almost every other weekend. We lived together for 2 years and yes, he still lives here, just id job is out of town right now. Just some background.

Our love life is just amazing and it has gotten so much better, well maybe that is not said right, but more meaningful whith time. We are all over each other and love trying stuff out. When he was still home we pretty much had sex daily, sometimes we just cuddle ;-)

We had our shares of up's and down's and actually went through quiet a bit together and always figured things out. We don't argue much anymore, it is as we found that understanding between each other and just know each other better. I miss him a lot and get crazy at time because of it, but I get over it and we are just fine.

Love life and passion has def. become much better and meaningful with time.

She's_NotInLove_w/Me Established Member

She's_NotInLove_w/Me

Posted
Posted (edited)
I appreciate your input. I have to ask though....looking at your user name 'she's not in love with me'.. .does that mean you have good sex but there are issues elsewhere in your relationship? She's not in love with you but you have good sex?

 

Elaborating on my screen name. I registered at a time when I was very down and concerned about our relationship. I had really gone out of my way on Valentine's Day 2009 to make it all special. Nice Dinner, Nice Hotel, a jar of hershey's kisses with individual personal reasons why I love you attached to each kiss, etc, etc. Then, in the middle of the evening, she springs on me "I love you, but I am not in love with you!" Long story short, after working on our relationship, about 3 months later, she recanted and said that she should have never said that... she claimed to have regretted saying it. Things are still not the same now, but much improved from the lowest point.

 

But alas, we have a shared history of 17 years. We are each other's only sexual partners. We have 5 kids ages 3,5,10,13,15. We have many reasons to make it work. And so we try and try again. The one thing that's pretty much been always at least good, and usually great, sometimes mind blowing and over the top, and never really poor or lacking, has been our sexual relationship. I genuinely believe much of this is based on our naivety and innocence. Since she and I know no other love than the one we share...

 

Will it last, I do not know. She thinks I want to move on. I think she wants to move on. Neither of us will pull the trigger any time soon.

 

One of my life's greatest wishes is to be happy and in love and exclusively with my wife on every intimate level possible for the rest of our natural lives. Something I (perhaps we) have been lacking lately is the confidence that will happen...

 

But in the meantime, no issues as far as sexual chemistry. It may rise and fall, but stoking the fire when the embers seem to be about ready to fade out, always works for us!

Edited by She's_NotInLove_w/Me
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