Hopeful30 Posted June 8, 2010 Posted June 8, 2010 My current bf has a daughter. Eventually I will want kids of my own, but I don't want a blended family. Right now everything is going fine, no problems with my bf's kid or with his ex. Nothing of the sort, all smooth sailing. Right now I don't want kids. But if I decide to have children, I will look elsewhere for the person I will have them with. It won't be with my current bf. Is it wrong to stay in a relationship with him knowing this?
Cracker Jack Posted June 8, 2010 Posted June 8, 2010 Of course it is. If you already have it in your mind that you're not going to build a family with this man, the idea of staying with him is flat-out wrong. Let it go now.
ADF Posted June 8, 2010 Posted June 8, 2010 If your BF sees a long-term future with you--and it sounds like he does--then you shouldn't stay in the relationship. But I imagine that, like me, is a little puzzled about why you're so opposed to having a blended family. You aren't ruling children out altogether, so that's not it. What is it?
Feelin Frisky Posted June 8, 2010 Posted June 8, 2010 I don't know enough from what you said to "judge". I will tell you that I was totally knocked into disarray (long time ago) when the girl I was having a torrid romance with did not even tell me that she not only had a kid but had sole custody. I had to hear it from a third party months into the relationship. That put me in a really lousy position. I did not want to raise her child and I wasn't even the least bit into raising any of my own. It was difficult enough being an interacial couple but no one could ever mistke this kid for my son--he was blacker than his mother. She shipped the boy off to grandma's in another state and never mentioned him until we were way into it. It eventually was the final reason after 4 years that she left me. I liked that boy and he did spend some summers with us but had I known her situation I probably would never have asked her out. It was a selfish lie.
Author Hopeful30 Posted June 8, 2010 Author Posted June 8, 2010 If your BF sees a long-term future with you--and it sounds like he does--then you shouldn't stay in the relationship. But I imagine that, like me, is a little puzzled about why you're so opposed to having a blended family. You aren't ruling children out altogether, so that's not it. What is it? I want him to be fully dedicated to our kids and our family, I don't want him going between one family and another. If my dad had kids with another woman, I wouldn't feel as close to him, and he wouldn't be as dedicated to our family. Instead of spending the weekend together, he would spend every other weekend with his other kids. His mind wouldn't be fully devoted to our family, but he would have to alternate and balance between another family and their schedule. It would be different if his daughter lived with him, but the mother has full custody. So we have to deal with all that drama and I don't want my kids to have to see that. Plus they wouldn't feel as close to their dad, because not all his time would be devoted to them. Which is the most important since they would be much younger.
ADF Posted June 8, 2010 Posted June 8, 2010 I want him to be fully dedicated to our kids and our family, I don't want him going between one family and another. If my dad had kids with another woman, I wouldn't feel as close to him, and he wouldn't be as dedicated to our family. Instead of spending the weekend together, he would spend every other weekend with his other kids. His mind wouldn't be fully devoted to our family, but he would have to alternate and balance between another family and their schedule. It would be different if his daughter lived with him, but the mother has full custody. So we have to deal with all that drama and I don't want my kids to have to see that. Plus they wouldn't feel as close to their dad, because not all his time would be devoted to them. Which is the most important since they would be much younger. Wow. I don't quite know what to say. Sure, the fact that his daughter's mother has custody might create some logistical problems now and then. But that seems like a pretty trivial thing to throw a good relationship away over. I'd bet your BF/possible future husband will, throughout the course of his life, be unable to give as much attention as he'd like to the family for all kinds of reasons. He may have to work long hours. He may have to care for a sick parent. You may have a child with some form of disability, and requires more attnetion than the others. Who knows? Life has throws all kinds of obstacles at us. You sound like somone committed to an EXTREMELY intense style of parenting, where your kids are the total center of attention all the time. Not only can that produce spoiled kids, but on a practical level, it usually can't be done. I hope you rethink this.
Ruby Slippers Posted June 8, 2010 Posted June 8, 2010 Wow. I don't quite know what to say. Sure, the fact that his daughter's mother has custody might create some logistical problems now and then. But that seems like a pretty trivial thing to throw a good relationship away over. I'd bet your BF/possible future husband will, throughout the course of his life, be unable to give as much attention as he'd like to the family for all kinds of reasons. He may have to work long hours. He may have to care for a sick parent. You may have a child with some form of disability, and requires more attnetion than the others. Who knows? Life has throws all kinds of obstacles at us. You sound like somone committed to an EXTREMELY intense style of parenting, where your kids are the total center of attention all the time. Not only can that produce spoiled kids, but on a practical level, it usually can't be done. I hope you rethink this. I agree. If this is what you're thinking, I think you are either not that into this guy, or you have some pretty strong fears around the idea of family and kids.
Art_Critic Posted June 8, 2010 Posted June 8, 2010 You sound like quite the catch Hopeful... What happens if you dump this guy and go find another to have a child with and the guy cheats on you and dumps you ? You will be in an automatic blended family if you are to remarry one day.. The only advice I could give you is honestly you need to grow up.. realize that life doesn't revolve around you and be nicer to your BF.. If you really feel this way then drop your BF and give him the opportunity to not be burned by you
TaurusTerp Posted June 8, 2010 Posted June 8, 2010 I understand where you're coming from...I wouldn't want to start a family with someone who already has kids. It's a perfectly reasonable preference. I'd suggest you tell your BF and the both of you take some time to decide if you want to continue seeing each other. If he's serious and you're not, it's not fair to him.
Ruby Slippers Posted June 8, 2010 Posted June 8, 2010 I understand where you're coming from...I wouldn't want to start a family with someone who already has kids. It's a perfectly reasonable preference. Actually, I agree. I would strongly prefer not to have kids with someone who already has them. So I simply wouldn't go on a first date with someone with kids.
Eeyore79 Posted June 8, 2010 Posted June 8, 2010 I have to admit that I agree with the OP; I also wouldn't want my partner going back and forth between our family and another family. I wouldn't want him vanishing every other weekend and for part of the holidays etc to see someone else's kids, and I wouldn't want my kids to have to share their father with another family. I would want his time, affection and financial resources to be committed 100% to our family. I realise that, as ADF said, there could be other issues which affect how much time a man could spend with our family - but if he had other kids too, even that limited time would be halved. Whatever else happens, you can only get a 50% commitment from a man who has another family, and that isn't enough for me. If I had a kid and my partner left me, of course I'd end up in a blended family if I found a new partner and had more kids - but there's a difference between ending up in that unfortunate situation because the partner you trusted has done the dirty on you, and choosing to be in that situation by dating a man with kids... I would never choose to be in that situation when I have other options. If the kid was mine, I would have no choice about being in a blended family, whereas if the kid isn't mine I do have a choice. Also, in that situation I would be the one with a commitment to two families, not my partner... it's then up to my partner whether he's willing to tolerate that. OP, if you genuinely don't see a future with this man then the best thing to do is to dump him. You need to ask yourself why you haven't dumped him already... are you afraid of being alone, or don't think you'll find someone else, or even just need him to pay half of the rent? Whatever the reason, you really need to end this relationship and start looking for someone who you actually want to be with. If you know that kids are a dealbreaker for you in the long term, then maybe you should do what I do and simply refuse to date any guy with kids?
Dolos Posted June 8, 2010 Posted June 8, 2010 I think some of you are being a little irrational. My parents divorced when i was young and have both remarried. I have four siblings (with only one being a "full" sibling) and in my experience parents love all their children pretty much the same. If theres been no obvious drama with his ex wife then there probably wont be, just because they got divorced doesn't mean they hate each other. Also, you seem to have this idea that hes going to dissapear to see his daughter random weekends. My step father only got to see my step sister on weekends, and he never disappeared to see her or ignored anybody else, he just included her in whatever everybody else was doing that weekend. The line about your kids not "being as close" to him is complete bull****. By your logic anybody with more than one child shares less of a connection with their children than somebody with one child, it makes no sense. That said if you're really dead set on this being a deal breaker you should break up with him or at least be honest with him about it.
Eeyore79 Posted June 9, 2010 Posted June 9, 2010 I think for me it's more about not wanting to share "My Man" with another woman and child. I want him to be committed only to me and mine; I don't want him to have ties to a child that isn't mine. I don't particularly want someone else's kid hanging around with my family at weekends, calling our husband and father "Daddy", and costing money that could have been spent on my kids. Although my ex's kids lived miles away, so it wasn't feasible for him to bring them to our place at weekends anyway; every other week he would vanish on Saturday morning, take the kids out, stay at his mother's place, and come back on Sunday afternoon. I didn't want my kids to have a father who was absent every other weekend. I guess what I'm saying is that I understand how the OP feels, and she's not the only one for whom kids are a dealbreaker. My strategy now is simply to avoid dating anyone with kids, because I know it's not for me.
Citizen Erased Posted June 9, 2010 Posted June 9, 2010 Actually, I agree. I would strongly prefer not to have kids with someone who already has them. So I simply wouldn't go on a first date with someone with kids. Yep, same. It's just not a life I would choose to have. The OP owes it to her bf to break it off, she already knows the outcome of their relationship. She also owes it to herself to spend her time on someone that she will be ultimately happy with.
Chocolat Posted June 9, 2010 Posted June 9, 2010 It's irrelevant whether we agree with your notion that you do not want to have a family with someone who already has a child. But it's wrong of you to remain in a r/s with this man when you know you will be leaving him. Not only are you deliberately (and selfishly, imo) putting him in a position to be hurt, it sounds as though you may be doing the same to his daughter.
Author Hopeful30 Posted June 9, 2010 Author Posted June 9, 2010 Its not selfish to want a man without kids, and have second thoughts when dating a man WITH kids. This child will always be a part of his life, and as a result, she will always be a part of mine. When I met him, I had no idea it would get this serious and especially with a kid. As someone asked, the only reason I haven't left yet isn't for such trivial reasons like rent or something of the sort. Its because I am in love with him, and I am struggling with this situation. As someone mentioned, it is true, I do not want a family or kids. My bf knows this, he knows I don't want to get married or have children. He also knows that the fact that he has a child creates many difficulties and inconveniences for us, and moreover me. He knows everything I have just told you, I have chosen to be 200% honest with him regarding this, because this is a serious issue. But note that he hasn't broken it off either, and deep down he knows that eventually things are more likely not to work out.
txsilkysmoothe Posted June 9, 2010 Posted June 9, 2010 I think for me it's more about not wanting to share "My Man" with another woman and child. I want him to be committed only to me and mine; I don't want him to have ties to a child that isn't mine. I don't particularly want someone else's kid hanging around with my family at weekends, calling our husband and father "Daddy", and costing money that could have been spent on my kids. Oh My! "Your Man's" tie to his child existed before his "tie" to you. His child is the one sharing, not you. The child has every right to call him "daddy" because HE IS DADDY. It's perfectly acceptable to not want to date a man with kids so DON'T. It isn't fair to the man or his kid that may feel affection for you - who will at some point learn you resent him/her and don't want them "hanging around with your family." It seems like a harsh view of the one party (child) that didn't voluntarily join any of the relationships affected.
make me believe Posted June 9, 2010 Posted June 9, 2010 I think you should break up with your boyfriend ASAP. You both know that you don't have a future together, so why prolong the inevitable? It's totally reasonable to not want somebody who already has a kid (kids are a deal-breaker for me too), but why did you ever get involved with him in the first place?? You "didn't think it would get serious"? You NEVER know how things are going to turn out, so that was really unfair of you. In the future, avoid this situation by simply not dating guys with kids.
blueberries Posted June 9, 2010 Posted June 9, 2010 i agree with the OP... i wouldn't want to marry someone with children, let alone date someone with a child. but i also think that if in your mind you already know you don't want this, then you need to break up with him. he needs to find someone who will love him and his child...
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