hippochica Posted June 8, 2010 Posted June 8, 2010 Hi there! Forgive me, this is my first time posting on the forums & it's my last resort for advice. I am 21 years old, and living with my parents. I've been dating (to me a great guy) for nearly four months. He's a very caring, hilarious, sweet, and respectful guy. My parents don't care for him too much, since he is currently unemployed & his different hobbies & interests than me. I've been dating since I was 16 and I've never expected my parents to approve of any guy I've brought home or talked about, but I expected at some point the nitpicking and rude comments would be minimal. Now, it seems like they've been getting worse. Most of the comments come from my mother & my little brother. They don't like him, but I don't think they realize that he makes me very happy (yes, I know it's only been four months). We talk about anything and everything under the sun and we get along so well even with our differences in hobbies & interests. I've had a conversation with my dad about how I feel about them talking about my relationship with my boyfriend, he's been very quiet about things which I have told him I greatly appreciate. He's been thinking the reason my mom has been more headstrong about being cruel because she's scared I'm rushing into things & at the same time, she thinks he might be the one to take me away. At this point, I don't know what to do, but these constant comments are getting really annoying and hurtful to me and him. Any advice on how to handle my family?
Mac91 Posted June 8, 2010 Posted June 8, 2010 I'll give you some advice, even though some people can't give me their point of view for my problems From what you've said, it seems like you and your BF are close, very close... so close to the point that your mother feels threatened. I would sit down and have a talk with her, one to one, so she doesn't feel pressured. Explain to her that you still love her, and nothing will replace your love for her, etcs... You'll always be her daughters, and what not. You're 21, I think they should respect your decisions, and although their input is valued, they shouldn't be too vocal. If all else fails, live life and see where it takes you. Just try to ignore the comments. If she doesn't like him, it might be a good indication that he's right for you (right now anyways). Unless of course he does drugs, has bad habits etc... you've given us too little information about him, and why your mom dislikes him. Has he gone to college? are you going to college?
Author hippochica Posted June 8, 2010 Author Posted June 8, 2010 He doesn't do drugs. He doesn't have any bad habits, just unique interests. Both of us are not in college, haven't been. I appreciate your advice. I think a girls day will have to happen soon, just to calm her down.
sagetalk Posted June 8, 2010 Posted June 8, 2010 It sounds like there's more to this guy then is being revealed here. I know girls who have horrible taste in guys and they almost never listen to their parents to their own demise. You're parents know you better than he does and they are way smarter about life than you are. Most parents (unless they are just awful) have their child's best interest in mind. Very few dating relationships (especially at 21) have each others best interest in mind. Your parents will always be there for you, don't abuse that. This guy could find another chick tomorrow and disappear. Value what they have to say. Don't be like 90% of all the dumb girls in this world who ignore their parents, and run away from them with the mentality that some guy loves them more than their parents do. In most cases it's total bologna.
Author hippochica Posted June 8, 2010 Author Posted June 8, 2010 I think their biggest gripes about him is the lack of job. I have seriously lost sleep over what else it could be. I am their oldest child & their only daughter. I don't doubt that they know what's best for me, but at what point is it considered overprotective? I love them (my parents) very much and wouldn't trade them for anything in the world. I've gone through the whole choosing the boyfriend over the parents & the boyfriend DID end up leaving for someone else, I learned my lesson. I didn't see the signs with him and I should have known better. I've tried having a discussion with my mom about why she won't let things from my past go. My boyfriend isn't like my past boyfriends (I can HONESTLY say this) and I truly enjoy being around him and I feel it's a different relationship than my past ones.
sagetalk Posted June 8, 2010 Posted June 8, 2010 1. I think their biggest gripes about him is the lack of job. I have seriously lost sleep over what else it could be. 2. I don't doubt that they know what's best for me, but at what point is it considered overprotective? 3. I've gone through the whole choosing the boyfriend over the parents & the boyfriend DID end up leaving for someone else, I learned my lesson. I didn't see the signs with him and I should have known better. 4. I've tried having a discussion with my mom about why she won't let things from my past go. My boyfriend isn't like my past boyfriends (I can HONESTLY say this) and I truly enjoy being around him and I feel it's a different relationship than my past ones. 1. Excellent gripe, if I was your Dad I'd be ticked. 2. Good never doubt it. Overprotective would be if they said you could never date. Telling you to dump guys that are bad for you is good parenting no matter what age. 3. Have you learned your lesson? It doesn't sound like it. 4. She shouldn't, it's a legitimate argument. And all girls think their new boyfriend is different, you'd dump him otherwise and he wouldn't be your boyfriend. From what you've said here, stick with your parents advice and go slow with this guy. Don't move out with him. Stay with your parents and let things progress slowly and see what happens. If your parents don't change their mind, I'd seriously considering dumping the guy. Especially if he tries to turn you against your parents. That's a sure sign that he is a loser.
Hopeful30 Posted June 8, 2010 Posted June 8, 2010 Tell your mother that you need to learn from your own experiences, and if you will make mistakes, you NEED to make them to understand the consequences. And tell her he makes you happy, and for the time being thats good enough. You're not getting married or having kids.
Author hippochica Posted June 8, 2010 Author Posted June 8, 2010 I find her resilience hypocritical, considering the life she led before she met my dad. I know that's enough for "she wants to you avoid making the same mistakes she made" type of thing, I understand that. I want to live & learn. Like you said, Hopeful30, I'm not getting married or having kids (against my own rules in my mind at this stage). We've discussed moving in, marriage, and kids - but in all hypothetical terms. We're very open with our discussions because we like to hear each others opinions on things. I've told her that he makes me happy & her only response is, "Well that's good for you." Then she ends the discussion and walks out of the room.
allina Posted June 8, 2010 Posted June 8, 2010 I can sort of see your parents point of view. Why doesn't he have a job? Why is he not getting an education? When was the last time he was employed? Did he graduate high school? Has he ever been in trouble with the law? What about you? What are you doing with your life? Are your parents happy with the life decisions you've made? Is it possible that they feel like he will hold you back? What are his and your ambitions in life? What do your parents want for you?
Author hippochica Posted June 8, 2010 Author Posted June 8, 2010 He doesn't have a job, but is searching and applying very hard. He was last employed by the Army-3 months ago, on medical discharge. Has never had any legal issues (I do check these things out before I date any guy). He's not getting an college education by choice. And yes, he did graduated high school. I know my parents are happy with the other decisions I have made in my life. If anyone is going to hold me back in my life, that'll be me. I don't let anyone hold me back, I'm pretty headstrong about my life goals. Our ambitions in life are different, but what couple, dating or married - share every goal in life? I'd like to think my parents want what's best for me & what makes me happy.
allina Posted June 8, 2010 Posted June 8, 2010 He doesn't have a job, but is searching and applying very hard. He was last employed by the Army-3 months ago, on medical discharge. Has never had any legal issues (I do check these things out before I date any guy). He's not getting an college education by choice. And yes, he did graduated high school. I know my parents are happy with the other decisions I have made in my life. If anyone is going to hold me back in my life, that'll be me. I don't let anyone hold me back, I'm pretty headstrong about my life goals. Our ambitions in life are different, but what couple, dating or married - share every goal in life? I'd like to think my parents want what's best for me & what makes me happy. Do your parents know about his history? Have your explained that he isn't some slacker. Being in the Army is pretty respectable and something to be proud of. If they don't know much about him they might not realize that he has goals and that he has done some great things.
marsle85 Posted June 8, 2010 Posted June 8, 2010 I wouldn't date someone who didn't have a job... why are you?
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