skt2020 Posted June 7, 2010 Posted June 7, 2010 Hi guys- I just broke up with my bf of 3 1/2 years on thursday because i found out he has been facebook messaging other girls who he thinks are "cute" and he will just message them to see if he can get a response. His excuse? He got freaked out by the seriousness of the relationship and "wasn't thinking" and never wanted anyone else, just wanted the attention, because he "didnt know what he had", and "now he does" apparently. so we are broken up, i'm not committed to him right now but he is trying to prove himself to me that he is trustworthy and the only way i will consider a second chance is if i see consistency and if he figures out why he was wanting attention. My question is 1) does that sound like something forgivable and 2) do guys really do these hurtful things and not think about the consequences? Why do they freak out and sabotage things instead of communicating their fears and doubts? (not saying all guys are like this, but in my situation this guy is) Thoughts??
alphamale Posted June 8, 2010 Posted June 8, 2010 1) does that sound like something forgivable and i don't know 2) do guys really do these hurtful things and not think about the consequences? yes Why do they freak out and sabotage things instead of communicating their fears and doubts? because we don't like to talk about our "feelings" and "emotions"
DenverBachelor Posted June 8, 2010 Posted June 8, 2010 Hi guys- My question is 1) does that sound like something forgivable and 2) do guys really do these hurtful things and not think about the consequences? Why do they freak out and sabotage things instead of communicating their fears and doubts? (not saying all guys are like this, but in my situation this guy is) Thoughts?? Men aren't as articulate or communative as women in general. I read a report that for every three words a woman says during the day, a man says one. He may just have wanted some attention or affirmation that he can still attract women. Men are hunters -- that's a natural skill we'll always have within us. We need to hunt and sometimes when we're in a situation where we've stopped hunting because we've gotten something, there is a natural impulse to do more hunting. Men cheat for physical reasons and women cheat for emotional ones. I would just explain to him why what he is doing makes you upset and ask that he not do it again. If he does, then you have reason to break it off but I don't see anything very egregious in this situation. He isn't actually meeting these women, right?
Author skt2020 Posted June 8, 2010 Author Posted June 8, 2010 No he isn't meeting up with any of them because i caught him before he could i think. I guess that is right, i am a little hard on him when it comes to the emotional stuff, and i def. agree that women cheat for emotional reasons, men for physical. The one thing that hurt the most was that we were at a b-day party together last sunday and he went home and found a girl that was there on facebook, messaged her and told her he thought she was cute. That was the worst. I just feel like if he is seeking attention then he should do it outside of our relationship so i don't get hurt. Also one more thing------ We had not been nearly as sexually active with each other and i addressed it to him alot, i would do things like buy sexy underwear or lingerie and he never initiated anything of it, but he said he backed off with sex because he was feeling like we were in too much of a routine together and he was freaked out of the commitment. it sounded like a copout to me.
alphamale Posted June 8, 2010 Posted June 8, 2010 hmmm....you should probably start seeking comfort with other men
DenverBachelor Posted June 8, 2010 Posted June 8, 2010 Also one more thing------ We had not been nearly as sexually active with each other and i addressed it to him alot, i would do things like buy sexy underwear or lingerie and he never initiated anything of it, but he said he backed off with sex because he was feeling like we were in too much of a routine together and he was freaked out of the commitment. it sounded like a copout to me. He could very well be "bored" with his current relationship with you and is engaging in "thrill-seeking." The first thing to go is sex when the relationship is dying.
Author skt2020 Posted June 8, 2010 Author Posted June 8, 2010 yeah thats what he claims he was doing..."thrill seeking". He is so torn up about it now, he is actually freaking out over losing me and he tells me now that he didn't understand how everything he wanted was with me until he saw how much he hurt me a light switch went on and he said he thought "WTF am i doing?" I'm so confused if i should give him a second chance. I just don't want to get hurt again.
Woggle Posted June 8, 2010 Posted June 8, 2010 Women are actually the ones who have commitment issues. Men might take longer to commit but once we do we stick with it. Women commite easily but also unattach very easily. Look at how many divorces are initiated by women.
Pyro Posted June 8, 2010 Posted June 8, 2010 Women are actually the ones who have commitment issues. Men might take longer to commit but once we do we stick with it. Women commite easily but also unattach very easily. Look at how many divorces are initiated by women. don't be so sure. I have seen and heard of plenty of guys with commitment issues. Ones wanting to see if the grass is greener on the otherside type. People like you fail to think about how many of those divorces issued by women are due to the husband physically or verbally abusing her or cheating on her. If the majority is because women fall out of love with their husbands, then please show me some stats to back that up.
threebyfate Posted June 8, 2010 Posted June 8, 2010 yeah thats what he claims he was doing..."thrill seeking". He is so torn up about it now, he is actually freaking out over losing me and he tells me now that he didn't understand how everything he wanted was with me until he saw how much he hurt me a light switch went on and he said he thought "WTF am i doing?" I'm so confused if i should give him a second chance. I just don't want to get hurt again.I wouldn't give him a second chance. His behaviour says that he doesn't respect you or appreciate what he has. Guys who are like this, aren't worth your time since once he gets you back, the grass will again be greener elsewhere. Commitment phobia is just an excuse for bad behaviours.
ADF Posted June 8, 2010 Posted June 8, 2010 My thoughts are that your BF (ex-BF?) is fairly typical. Most men would never commit if they didn't feel they had to. They'd be perfectly happy just drifting along, "hanging out" with a woman for years on end, forever keeping their options open. To understand this, it helps to put it in histroical perspective. The ultimate commitment is marriage. There was a time when a man had to marry to achieve full personhood. If he wanted to live with a woman, to have a sex llife, to maintain the respect of his family and community, he had to have a wife. Even a man's employer might think he was flightly and irresponsible if he didn't "settle down" by a certain age. None of that is true anymore. There is nothing a man might possibly want--love, sex, companionship--that he needs marriage in order to get. Nothing. For men, the incentive to marry is basically gone. Men today often dread marriage. They associate marriage with a loss of freedom, the end of their youth, and they dread financial ruin in the case of divorce. Many men weigh the pros and cons of marriage and say, "no thanks." This attitude bleeds into committed, non-martial relationships as well. From a female point of view, a committed, LTR may be the best of all possibel worlds. But from a male POV, FWB is the best of all possible worlds. In a FWB, a man gets all the benefits he would get from a LTR--affection, sex, companionship--but with no strings! FWB is the ultimate win/win, have-my-cake-and-eat-it-too situation, from the male POV. Many men much prefer FWB to "real" relationships for this reason. They will try for a FWB if they can get it, and only "settle" for having a GF if they can't. Bottom line: men do not seem to have the same need for long-term commitment that women do. I don't know why they don't, but they don't. And nowadays, it is possible--at least in theory--for them to get everything they want from women without commiting. Hence, more and more men want to keep their options open.
TouchedByViolet Posted June 8, 2010 Posted June 8, 2010 N Also one more thing------ We had not been nearly as sexually active with each other and i addressed it to him alot, i would do things like buy sexy underwear or lingerie and he never initiated anything of it, but he said he backed off with sex because he was feeling like we were in too much of a routine together and he was freaked out of the commitment. it sounded like a copout to me. This is a huge red flag. Sounds like he wants his cake and to eat it too. I would be VERY cautious about taking him back. He will probably be normal with you for awhile but then revert back to his old ways.
threebyfate Posted June 8, 2010 Posted June 8, 2010 I agree ADF that you're describing the Peter Pan portion of the male population. I disagree that you're describing all men. Of the men that I've been in LTRs with, commitment hasn't been an issue beyond my ex-husband who had Narcissitic Personality Disorder which is the ultimate in having his cake and eating it too. And even with him, he was quick to want a real relationship and also, quick to want and demand marriage after pursuing me for two years, where I wanted nothing to do with him. His issues with infidelity had nothing to do with any fear of commitment. It had to do with being broken inside. Hopefully the Peter Pan men aren't as broken inside.
TouchedByViolet Posted June 8, 2010 Posted June 8, 2010 Bottom line: men do not seem to have the same need for long-term commitment that women do. I don't know why they don't, but they don't. And nowadays, it is possible--at least in theory--for them to get everything they want from women without commiting. Hence, more and more men want to keep their options open. I totally disagree. There are so many generalizations about men/women and most of them (I'm guilty of this too) come from personal experiences of loss, anger and sadness. A few men or women in our own lives leave a mark that affects the way the whole gender is treated. I am a male looking for a LTR and the last girl who I felt strongly about told me all she wants is a FWB situation. Women are just as likely to engage in this activity as men. And in my experience women have more power in this department compared to men, because they have the sexiness . Unless of course the guy is some sort of player then women go for the guy get burned and come here to post about it.
ADF Posted June 8, 2010 Posted June 8, 2010 I agree ADF that you're describing the Peter Pan portion of the male population. I disagree that you're describing all men. I am definately not describing all men. I didn't mean to make it sound like I was. My points were general ones, not categorical ones. However, I think I may have described the OP's BF to some extent.
AnitaGirl Posted June 8, 2010 Posted June 8, 2010 Sounds to me like he was pushing boundaries to see what he could get away with. Establish boundaries and stick to them. Some men will try to get away with as much as they can, regardlessof other people's feelings.
Recommended Posts