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Maybe I asked before - What do married people fight about....

Toodamnpragmatic

By Toodamnpragmatic
in Marriage and Life Partnerships

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Toodamnpragmatic Established Member

Toodamnpragmatic

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Really comes down to 4-5 things....

 

1. Money - I am a little frugal (by no means cheap) and though we have pretty much what we want still fight about it.... Now when I say cheap, I buy big ticket items, want my spouse happy and have bought expensive presents, but may get pissed if she wants to buy the children a small bottled water while on vacation (which I/we spent big dollars) and then get frustrated at a $4 bottle. Same with questioning some furniture purchases, appliances and thinking we spent a little more then I wanted too.... But I admit that is my problem...

 

2. Children/School/Activities/Discipline - I should just know to shut up and know that I'm wrong :p:D

 

3. Cleaning - she is a 9, I strive to be an 8 (probably am a 7.5).... Oh and the clutter, where only I am accused of it.....:p

 

4. Sex - Of course, but for those tired of hearing me, talk/write and go on about it, I'll say little else, though we really don't fight about it.

 

That is about it. We spend adequate time together, do things together and apart.

 

So what else is there????

Edited by Toodamnpragmatic
alphamale Established Member

alphamale

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So what else is there????

having relatives and in-laws over

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Toodamnpragmatic Established Member

Toodamnpragmatic

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having relatives and in-laws over

 

How could I forget.... Also visiting them....;)

1qkblugt Member

1qkblugt

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Besides the everyday happenings around the house.. kids, cleaning, laundry and disciplining kids...

 

Money money money.... and the lack of it LOL Mostly cuz I do the "bills" and he doesn't realize how much stuff costs :( But we're working on that !!!!! But we don't let that get in the way too much.. because at the end of the day ur special someone and family is what matters most.

xxoo Established Member

xxoo

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The only thing we argue about with any regularity is the kids. Kids are stressful. These arguments never get heated, though.

 

We have a heated argument 2-4 times a year about something random. I feel unheard or misunderstood or taken for granted, and I press, press, PRESS the issue until I feel heard. It sometimes takes until the next day to communicate through it, but we always do--and feel closer for the effort.

quankanne Established Member

quankanne

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regular argument lately is his so-called friend that has no respect for the marriage and is here all the damn time. Finally pointed out to DH that he and I were in the marriage, not him and his friend or me and my friends, and that I want at least weekends to ourselves without this person present.

 

will see how long it lasts this time ... I have a feeling I'm gonna have to get brutal with his friend before he "gets" it.

Stung Established Member

Stung

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We have argued about politics before. We sometimes argue about time management. We occasionally argue 'about' sex/money/quality time/kids/the ex--but honestly our real arguments tend to really be about how we communicate about those (and other) things, how we listen to each other and prioritize/respond to each others needs. We have different communication styles and my husband can be a poor listener, so these are the central issues we're still in the process of ironing out. He is committing himself to try to learn to be a better listener, though, and I respect and appreciate his efforts. And he is definitely better at admitting when he is wrong than I am, so that's something for me to work on.

locamia Member

locamia

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My H and I are very compatible and rarely ever argue. We have the same views on money and spending habits. He wants more sex I could probably be happy with less but we've found our middle ground. He doesnt help with cleaning but I dont expect him to because he works I dont, and he still does little things here and there to help me anyway. We have different opinions of our in-laws so that comes up sometimes, I find he's harder on my family than he is on his own. And definitely the kids stress us out, plus he is more strict where I tend to let little things go for the sake of my sanity. Our biggest issue (I guess I should say mine) is that he never wants to leave the house! I know he works very hard so I try not to pressure him but I want a life. I'm stuck at home all day so I like to go out, he just wants to relax after work, understandably. He almost always comes out with me and the kids to make us happy but then I just have the feeling the whole time that he would rather be sitting at home. So frustrating! Hard to find middle ground on this one :confused:

giotto Established Member

giotto

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communication... i.e. lack of it from my wife... I'm always guessing and sometimes she "forgets" to tell me the most basic things! i.e. I'm going out tonight, or we are going out tonight!

 

Sex... well, we used to, not anymore... I've resigned myself... :D

 

My smoking... well, gave up 13 months ago, so no more arguing about that... sometimes I might get a little too drunk... not, that she doesn't approve, but she doesn't like to see me a bit off the rails when the kids are there... fair enough... I don't do that that often, though! :D

 

Lastly, we did argue about money when I was smoking... she didn't like me spending it on cigarettes and she was worried about my health...

 

Ah... I did tend to isolate myself when we were having sex problems... she still wanted us to be a family and be all together... I didn't... I just wanted to leave... we argued about that...

Lecturer Established Member

Lecturer

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Thankfully, my wife and I don't fight very much. The only things we get upset over are sex (her not being interested enough) or spending time together (me not wanting to spend as much time with her as she'd like).

 

We have a system for money that has given us zero problems in 11 years together. Essentially it is just a double-veto system. Neither of us can make non-necessity purchases over, say, $5 without approval of both people. However, when we have a good monthly surplus we will each take, say, $100 which is fully discretionary and cannot be vetoed or questioned by the other. We are both respectful and fiscally conservative, and neither of us has any inflated sense of entitlement, so we'd never just show up having blown $1000 on clothes or a toy or something. We both know our financial situation, how much we have and where it is all going. Occasionally we'll want something 'big' and have a discussion about the need, then come to a mutually agreeable decision. For example, we recently allocated $500 each to buy clothing. We both like to make the other happy, and enjoy granting each other approval to make bigger purchases, but this way we keep ourselves in check, and it allows us to remind each other of financial things that may have slipped our mind.

 

As for cleaning, she has a much higher requirement than I, so it makes sense that she has to put in that effort if she wants it there. I don't make messes of course - I'm just talking about frequency of chores. For example, if I'm cool having the floors cleaned once every 2 weeks, then I'll clean them that often. She, however, requires them cleaned 1-2 times per week, so she has to do the leg work on that if its what she wants. This system is logical and fair, and works for us.

Edited by Lecturer
silktricks Established Member

silktricks

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kids - they're grown now, so no longer this one

money - we're on the same page now, so no longer this one

in-laws - my family's all dead now, so only 1/2 as much on this one

jealousy - he doesn't get so jealous anymore, so not nearly so much here

 

When we do fight now, it's usually about one or the other of us not being sensitive about the other's position on a topic.

Honorable_Venerable Established Member

Honorable_Venerable

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Money, though no so much now.

 

Kids, in that both of us know we have the answer to getting them to do what we want;)!

 

Cleaning - I prefer clean, she prefers neat.

 

Sex:mad:

 

Going to the seaside - me and the kids wouldn't care less if we never went again as long as we live, she adores it. Never serious, just groans and glowers.

 

We argue about inlaws - but both sets both give us the bloody pip, so it's a case of each blaming the other for inviting them over, then ranting about how it'll be a weekend we won't get back!

Lauriebell82 Established Member

Lauriebell82

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I'm not married yet..in 3 months I will be!!! I feel like am I though, as I have been with my fiance for 4 years and we have lived together for 2.

 

Things we fight about:

 

1. ANYTHING to do with cleaning!!! Laundry, dishes, vacuuming, making the bed, ect.

 

He is a neat freak (I call him Gary Poppins) and I am not so much. We have both tried to work on it though, he has tried to do less nagging and I have tried to become more motivated to clean. I have to admit, in the last 6 some months we have fought so much less.

 

2. He is also conflict adverse: he gets upset being around my familiy because we are dysfunctional and fight all the time! But the weird thing is, he doesn't mind creating conflict himself!

 

Again, we have tried to work on that by me trying not to fight with my parents in front of him, and if I do and it bothers him he has worked on a way to tell me without sounding bossy and mean.

 

Basically I think you need to come up with a system that works for you and that you are both capable of doing..the fights seem to disappear after that!

xxoo Established Member

xxoo

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He is a neat freak (I call him Gary Poppins)

 

That's hilarious :laugh:

 

Basically I think you need to come up with a system that works for you and that you are both capable of doing..the fights seem to disappear after that!

 

You are absolutely right about this. I think that's why we mostly argue about the kids--because the kids (and the dynamic between them) are always changing and growing. By the time we get a system that works smoothly, it's already obsolete :p

Lauriebell82 Established Member

Lauriebell82

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That's hilarious :laugh:

 

Yeah, he's always saying "Let's tidy up." So I snap my fingers at whatever needs cleaned up like Mary Poppins does! He doesn't like that too much...hehe

 

 

 

You are absolutely right about this. I think that's why we mostly argue about the kids--because the kids (and the dynamic between them) are always changing and growing. By the time we get a system that works smoothly, it's already obsolete :p

 

Yeah, that's something that is unavoidable I supposed. I guess in that case just constant communication and working things out. I'm tired just thinking about that!

allina Established Member

allina

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His mom and my OCD.

Spark1111 Established Member

Spark1111

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I've read that 90, yep 90, percent of all marital arguments are not resolvable.

 

You and your spouse are two separate people and will always have a separate view or opinion of any given situation.

 

In the best marriages they accept this, and try to negotiate from a position of compromise as opposed to power: I am right and you are wrong.

 

The best view is we are both right.

 

So, let everything go that can be let go, and if it is non-negotiable to you, announce that, talk about it, and ask your spouse to respect it, as you would too if they were adamant.

 

Nothing trivial is worth damaging the relationship over, IMHO.

laRubiaBonita Established Member

laRubiaBonita

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H and i do not really fight or argue, yes we do differ in opinion on things and i prefer to do things "The Right Way" :D and he does things "His Way"- which isn't wrong, it's just not My Way.... so i tend to bite my tongue- or i go back later and do it right (like folding clothes, putting things away right).

 

but we do not fight; mainly beacuse nothing has come up that has proven to be fight worthy....

 

i could easily nag about why he cannot shut the cabinet doors or why the fridge must remain open the entire time he is making a sandwich or why he cannot put things back where he got them (especially his tools) so he doesn't have to get frustrated when he cannot find the plyers.

 

i have gotten better at listening too.

hotgurl Established Member

hotgurl

Posted
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H and i do not really fight or argue, yes we do differ in opinion on things and i prefer to do things "The Right Way" :D and he does things "His Way"- which isn't wrong, it's just not My Way.... so i tend to bite my tongue- or i go back later and do it right (like folding clothes, putting things away right).

 

but we do not fight; mainly beacuse nothing has come up that has proven to be fight worthy....

 

i could easily nag about why he cannot shut the cabinet doors or why the fridge must remain open the entire time he is making a sandwich or why he cannot put things back where he got them (especially his tools) so he doesn't have to get frustrated when he cannot find the plyers.

 

i have gotten better at listening too.

 

 

My Husband does this too. Why can't they just shut the doors and put things back. grrr...

 

 

we don't argue a whole lot but if we do it is about the chores and him not getting projects done in a timely matter.

 

Some thing I just can't do on my own and he says yea I'll do it 2-3-4-8 months go by nothing. But than I am a nag if I bring it up.

Lecturer Established Member

Lecturer

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Well, the last few years my wife and I have become much better at resolving issues. Nearly always we can communicate our side in a way that let's us both come to a point where we go "ok, yeah, I/You are correct". For me, this came from a conscious effort, not just in the relationship area but in life in general. I decided I needed to be able to open my mind and be convinced to alter my stance on something. I mean - how many people argue/debate with a pre-conception that they will never change? IMO that is close-minded, immature, and pointless. I now go into debates/discussions/arguments fully able to have my mind changed, and I carry that over to the relationship. Of course, this does not stop conflicts over preference, only over logic-based opinion.

 

If there is conflict over, say, what we should do this Saturday, we each present the facts on why we think our thing should win, then we consider that logically, at which point we nearly always have arrived at the same conclusion.

seren Established Member

seren

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Him spoiling the naughty puppy and not following the new train said puppy programme.

Him not putting empty toilet rolls in the bin !! grrr

Him insisting on putting the sauce bottle back when it is empty.

My shoes, the sheer amount, the totally impractical shoes, oh, just my shoes and the cost of.

My clothes, too many (says he) everywhere (says he).

My leaving CD's in the CD player, solved this by buying ipod and zeppellin, now it's because I leave the thing on.

When we go caravanning, me not allowing ANYONE to use the toilet. Yuck, use the dammed toilet block!!

Him not cooking but expecting to eat every 4 hours - I eat when and if I am hungry.

Oh the list is endless ... more bickering than anything and just don't get me started on remote controls, the number of, the constant dammed channel flicking ... oh and wall to wall sport ... and how he hates my putting open cartons of anchovies in the fridge (am an anchovyaholic fresh only) OK I'll stop now.

laRubiaBonita Established Member

laRubiaBonita

Posted
Posted
Him spoiling the naughty puppy and not following the new train said puppy programme.

Him not putting empty toilet rolls in the bin !! grrr

Him insisting on putting the sauce bottle back when it is empty.

My shoes, the sheer amount, the totally impractical shoes, oh, just my shoes and the cost of.

My clothes, too many (says he) everywhere (says he).

My leaving CD's in the CD player, solved this by buying ipod and zeppellin, now it's because I leave the thing on.

When we go caravanning, me not allowing ANYONE to use the toilet. Yuck, use the dammed toilet block!!

Him not cooking but expecting to eat every 4 hours - I eat when and if I am hungry.

Oh the list is endless ... more bickering than anything and just don't get me started on remote controls, the number of, the constant dammed channel flicking ... oh and wall to wall sport ... and how he hates my putting open cartons of anchovies in the fridge (am an anchovyaholic fresh only) OK I'll stop now.

 

(not to pick on you seren- just using your list as an example)

see all those things are just those little things that i will not waste my time making a big deal out of- will they ruin your lives? no, they are just the little actions that make two people different.

 

if you open anchovies bather him soo much he can get a ziplock bag and put them in there.

and yes- i love clothes and shoes too- but him pestering you about it certainly will not cause you to quit getting more.

and pestering about TV- to me fighting about TV is like fighting over who get the first high off of drugs- it's dumb.

just turn the darn thing off and enjoy each other- or read a book.

Lizzie60 Established Member

Lizzie60

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I haven't read the thread.. but I pretty much know what people will say... that's why I'm soooooooo happy I'm single.. :laugh:

confusedinkansas Established Member

confusedinkansas

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After 30 years of marriage & our share of difficulties & arguements/fights......We now Rarely fight. We have disagreements, however, those don't turn into fights like they did in the earlier years of our marriage.

Either we've both just grown accustomed to making concessions...........OR.........We're FINALLY happy! I'm going to go with BOTH!! :cool:

seren Established Member

seren

Posted
Posted
(not to pick on you seren- just using your list as an example)

see all those things are just those little things that i will not waste my time making a big deal out of- will they ruin your lives? no, they are just the little actions that make two people different.

 

if you open anchovies bather him soo much he can get a ziplock bag and put them in there.

and yes- i love clothes and shoes too- but him pestering you about it certainly will not cause you to quit getting more.

and pestering about TV- to me fighting about TV is like fighting over who get the first high off of drugs- it's dumb.

just turn the darn thing off and enjoy each other- or read a book.

 

Not feeling picked on at all :) all above said very tongue in cheek, we don't argue, but we do have bickering down to a fine art, we are very different, yet also so very alike. H never, ever argues, but will pick at corners, I like a clearing the air type argument, but settle for discussing what's on my mind. After 26 years together we can weather the odd storm (or 3, and have done), at times we are both in a funk over something, then catch each others eye and laugh because we are both being stupid. never go to sleep on an argument is my advice and don't sweat the small things.

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