bohogirl Posted June 7, 2010 Posted June 7, 2010 instead of killing everything that I loved about myself. Hello, first post so please bear with me. I have been lurking for a while and tonight felt the urge to purge myself of the resentment and bitterness that I have been holding onto. Same old story. Decade long on/off relationship with MM. Promises to leave but confusion/timing/ my "pressure" led to inaction. We finished recently when he told me (in anger) that the reason he would not leave his marriage right now was because "I was never content with the way things were". I took this to mean that I was supposed to be happy in my "mistress" role before he would consider divorce. Hell no. I went ballistic. Emailed his wife immediately. But after an hour was fine. I went out with my girlfriends and had a ball. Subsequently, I made sure I kept busy and was doing great. Tonight I am in despair. I cannot recall an obvious trigger but I keep ruminating that I allowed this man to waste my time. I cannot move beyond his cruelty to me and his spouse. It is cruelty to play with someone's emotions and tell them lies just to keep your life intact. Before anyone starts jumping up and down about my belated concern for his spouse. I have outed him/the relationship several times over the years to her. She has kicked him out each time and taken him back. I know it was a horrible dynamic but I thought he had to love me to risk it all. I was terribly young and naive when the relationship started. I now know he risked nothing. He was punishing her and using me. I do not feel grounded right now. Very weak. I pity him but more than that I pity myself. I was a fool to trust some who only cared about himself. Is such a delayed reaction normal? How do I control my emotions so that he does not win. I cannot let him destroy me.
jthorne Posted June 7, 2010 Posted June 7, 2010 I know how you feel. I was angry for quite awhile. I felt like I had wasted my time, and most of my childbearing years. I was mostly angry at myself for allowing it all to happen. How long ago did you break it off with him? And has he tried to contact you? I think it's normal to be angry, and I think it will pass.
Silly_Girl Posted June 7, 2010 Posted June 7, 2010 I think you sound so strong! You have a great handle on what has happened and you have anger, not despair or self-pity. It seems to me he is already 'not winning'.
whichwayisup Posted June 7, 2010 Posted June 7, 2010 I have outed him/the relationship several times over the years to her. She has kicked him out each time and taken him back. Just like you keep taking him back too. Difference is, SHE is his wife and they are married, have a life together, live together (do they have kids?), have kids possibly.. 10 years is a long time to stay a mistress and believe his lies. Yes, he lied to you, manipulated you time and time again, you have every right to be hurt, feel angry and used.. Though, you knew he was married, and still chose to stay with him and believe his lies, for TEN years. Turn some of that anger towards yourself. Sorry to be blunt but to blame him for everything is not right. You made choices along the way too. He never forced you to stick around for nealy a decade. Sorry you're hurting. I hope you're able to let go and move on, heal so you can live a happier life.
fooled once Posted June 7, 2010 Posted June 7, 2010 instead of killing everything that I loved about myself. Hello, first post so please bear with me. I have been lurking for a while and tonight felt the urge to purge myself of the resentment and bitterness that I have been holding onto. Same old story. Decade long on/off relationship with MM. Promises to leave but confusion/timing/ my "pressure" led to inaction. We finished recently when he told me (in anger) that the reason he would not leave his marriage right now was because "I was never content with the way things were". I took this to mean that I was supposed to be happy in my "mistress" role before he would consider divorce. Hell no. I went ballistic. Emailed his wife immediately. But after an hour was fine. I went out with my girlfriends and had a ball. Subsequently, I made sure I kept busy and was doing great. Tonight I am in despair. I cannot recall an obvious trigger but I keep ruminating that I allowed this man to waste my time. I cannot move beyond his cruelty to me and his spouse. It is cruelty to play with someone's emotions and tell them lies just to keep your life intact. Before anyone starts jumping up and down about my belated concern for his spouse. I have outed him/the relationship several times over the years to her. She has kicked him out each time and taken him back. I know it was a horrible dynamic but I thought he had to love me to risk it all. I was terribly young and naive when the relationship started. I now know he risked nothing. He was punishing her and using me. I do not feel grounded right now. Very weak. I pity him but more than that I pity myself. I was a fool to trust some who only cared about himself. Is such a delayed reaction normal? How do I control my emotions so that he does not win. I cannot let him destroy me. No one can destroy you unless you let them. You did play a role in all this - you kept allowing him to keep coming back. His wife may do that too, but that is her decision - possibly based in the history they share, the lies he has told her, the promises he made to her. She 'had' him before you, he courted her, he chose to pledge his life to her in front of friends and family. They made plans for a life together, they have grown to be a family. They spend many more hours together in life than you and he, no matter how much time he spent with you. So own your part (as I believe you are). You can kick yourself from now til 2012, but what is that going to do? Grieve the end of the affair. Grieve how naive you were. Grieve the end of the feelings. Give yourself a set amount of time to grieve this (although I do realize you can't put a timeline on grief) but don't sit here a year from now bemoaning how you were used, how you were lied to, etc. Rid your home of anything he gave you - erase all messages (voice, text, email). Throw away any notes, message, cards. Purge him out of your system. IF needed, seek counseling to help you deal with this. Look to friends to occupy you - but keep in mind, they aren't going to want to hear all about it for the next 3 weeks....they will grow tired of it and start not returning calls, emails, stop inviting you places. They aren't feeling what you are, they aren't living with this -- they will support you, they just don't want to hear it all the time. Focus on what is important to you - focus on keeping busy. Start making future plans for YOU. Most importantly, let him go and realize he isn't what you thought he was and begin to move forward. Good luck!
califnan Posted June 8, 2010 Posted June 8, 2010 Forget his feeble excuses. I regret you wasted 10 years - but am at least happy that you were young at the time.. so maybe not too much waste.. And no he didn't kill everything you loved about yourself.. It is Still There - and better than ever.. From what you have said, everything considered - I think you are still doing great..
NoIDidn't Posted June 8, 2010 Posted June 8, 2010 If you don't want him to win, don't wish he would have killed you. That's giving your power to him. If you truly think that he doesn't deserve it, wish something positive for yourself without him in it.
califnan Posted June 8, 2010 Posted June 8, 2010 He will give you beauty for ashes, joy for mourning, praise for despair.
pureinheart Posted June 8, 2010 Posted June 8, 2010 instead of killing everything that I loved about myself. Ok, this is where to start....loving yourself again Hello, first post so please bear with me. I have been lurking for a while and tonight felt the urge to purge myself of the resentment and bitterness that I have been holding onto. Same old story. Decade long on/off relationship with MM. Promises to leave but confusion/timing/ my "pressure" led to inaction. Sometimes if we "hold" on to the hope, we think what we want will come to pass...just one more month turns into a year and so on...then there is time and emotions invested...it's hard to let go We finished recently when he told me (in anger) that the reason he would not leave his marriage right now was because "I was never content with the way things were". I took this to mean that I was supposed to be happy in my "mistress" role before he would consider divorce. Hell no. This was a cruel mind game, he was putting the "blame" on you I went ballistic. Emailed his wife immediately. But after an hour was fine. I went out with my girlfriends and had a ball. Subsequently, I made sure I kept busy and was doing great. Tonight I am in despair. I cannot recall an obvious trigger but I keep ruminating that I allowed this man to waste my time. I cannot move beyond his cruelty to me and his spouse. It is cruelty to play with someone's emotions and tell them lies just to keep your life intact. Rollercoaster highs and lows, they suck when reality sets in Before anyone starts jumping up and down about my belated concern for his spouse. I have outed him/the relationship several times over the years to her. She has kicked him out each time and taken him back. He knew how to play well, although not so hot with others I know it was a horrible dynamic but I thought he had to love me to risk it all. I was terribly young and naive when the relationship started. I now know he risked nothing. He threw away a lot...I had had a vision concerning exDM, I saw him with none due to his behavior He was punishing her and using me. I do not feel grounded right now. Very weak. I pity him but more than that I pity myself. I was a fool to trust some who only cared about himself. This is very a cruel outcome for both of you, although I can tell you from experience that you and his W will land on your feet, yes there will be the pain of healing, although if you allow the healing, neither of you will even understand why you both allowed it in the first place. Is such a delayed reaction normal? How do I control my emotions so that he does not win. I cannot let him destroy me. It's not delayed, it's been a long time coming and it is here. He won't win, not in the long run. He won't destroy you, he will be too busy destroying himself and has been. What doesn't kill us makes us stronger. Wow, your story touched my heart, and well, welcome to LS (saying this in a low tone, due to wishing your circumstances were not as they are). Ok, you have a half FULL cup here, NOT half empty, and yes much was stolen, but it can all be repaired. Hope you do ok ((((hugs))))
Author bohogirl Posted June 8, 2010 Author Posted June 8, 2010 This situation has been my achilles heel. I had never opened up to anyone like I did with him. And it took a long time. I also know his deepest darkest secrets which would mortify him if I chose to blab. The whole push/pull thing was also two-way. I would get scared that he was wasting my time and tell him to back off. Or, he would see I was preparing to move on without him and then end it. He was always pre-emptive. He would then find his way back to me. I could have worked abroad, gotten married but foolishly factored him into my decisions. After 5 weeks I accept that I no longer love or like him. Over the years I have disliked him on occasion but never stopped loving him. That is progress. Introspection is hard but I have to process my feelings in order to move on. Otherwise I will be wringing my hands until 2012! I hung in there with MM because I couldn't believe we would not end up together. I believed HIS WORDS AND ACTIONS demonstrated that he could not believe his good fortune in having me in his life. It wasn't about sex. There were times when all we would do is stare at each other from either end of my sofa. No touching or words just drinking each other in. I chose to ignore his real concerns about ageing (he's 51 but has always looked older)and my not wanting him if he left his marriage. He had left his wife before and went back home after his AP changed her mind [i am not sure whether finding out about his wife's pregnancy was a factor]. His wife has also cheated on him [so he says]. I knew he was flawed and clearly a happy marriage does not have both spouses cheating in its history. My experience will neither kill me nor make make me any stronger. It has opened my eyes to the fact that you never really know anyone. People that you love/respect/care for can turn on you in the most cruel ways. God forgive me, but last night I was praying for him to hurt the way he hurt me. I am so ashamed of that. He was my lesson. I was not his. He can play happy families now because he is meant to. He can carry on without a care in the world because that is his path. I on the other hand have to take better care of me. Something that is long overdue.
silverplanets Posted June 8, 2010 Posted June 8, 2010 This situation has been my achilles heel. I had never opened up to anyone like I did with him. And it took a long time. I also know his deepest darkest secrets which would mortify him if I chose to blab. The whole push/pull thing was also two-way. I would get scared that he was wasting my time and tell him to back off. Or, he would see I was preparing to move on without him and then end it. He was always pre-emptive. He would then find his way back to me. I could have worked abroad, gotten married but foolishly factored him into my decisions. After 5 weeks I accept that I no longer love or like him. Over the years I have disliked him on occasion but never stopped loving him. That is progress. Introspection is hard but I have to process my feelings in order to move on. Otherwise I will be wringing my hands until 2012! I hung in there with MM because I couldn't believe we would not end up together. I believed HIS WORDS AND ACTIONS demonstrated that he could not believe his good fortune in having me in his life. It wasn't about sex. There were times when all we would do is stare at each other from either end of my sofa. No touching or words just drinking each other in. I chose to ignore his real concerns about ageing (he's 51 but has always looked older)and my not wanting him if he left his marriage. He had left his wife before and went back home after his AP changed her mind [i am not sure whether finding out about his wife's pregnancy was a factor]. His wife has also cheated on him [so he says]. I knew he was flawed and clearly a happy marriage does not have both spouses cheating in its history. My experience will neither kill me nor make make me any stronger. It has opened my eyes to the fact that you never really know anyone. People that you love/respect/care for can turn on you in the most cruel ways. God forgive me, but last night I was praying for him to hurt the way he hurt me. I am so ashamed of that. He was my lesson. I was not his. He can play happy families now because he is meant to. He can carry on without a care in the world because that is his path. I on the other hand have to take better care of me. Something that is long overdue. Ho boho, I'm sorry you are going through this. I think everyone has a different way of processing what has happened into reality. I know part of what I had to do was open my eyes wide to what the real situation was. This needed me to be brutally honest with myself. Having got myself into a bad situation didn't make me a bad person but I did have the need to "shout" at myself to draw attention to how bad it was and how trusting I had been. Somehow in doing this it got attention back on to me and away from them. Maybe it's the same for you, I'm not sure. If ranting at yourself "helps" in small way right now then imho it's ok to do it. If it turns into something very negative for you then it's probbaly not a good strategy. What I remember from when it finally hit home was disbelief .. disbelief that it was happening, disbelief that we wouldn't actually be together and disbelief that I had to get up tomorrow and deal with it all by myself. Shouting at myself at times was almost like slapping me in the face to say "wake up and stop pretending this is not happening" ... you NEED to take control of yourself here ... and it was what I needed. I had spent so many years living for what was right for her, adjusting my life and priorities around someone elses's life and marriage problems that I'd just stopped paying any attention to looking after myself. I'm not sure if this helps, just sharing that, for me being harsh with myself was the right thing to do at one point .. so don't be to down on yourself if you do the same. Sometimes we need to bring out aggression in order to get the motivation going. I hope it improves Chris
Hazyhead Posted June 8, 2010 Posted June 8, 2010 Boho, I understand being left seething... three months later, I still am at the way xMM just cut off from everthing to suit himself. He led you on and strung you along for ten years; allow him no power over you. Instead of wishing he end for yourself, make it a new beginning. Change you and forget (eventually) about him. Never let yourself into that situation again, know that now and look forwards. I feel sorry for his wife whom he has also strung along, but then she knows what he has done, repeatedly, but she is still there. The anger, for me, seems to be lasting a while, but in a weird way it also protects me from further harm because I'd never let myself get into a toxic situation like that again. Keep venting here. I doubt you've heard the last of him so please keep up your strength. ((((boho))))
Author bohogirl Posted June 8, 2010 Author Posted June 8, 2010 You are both so right, thank you. That moment when the scales fall away cannot be described. It is more than disbelief. Even shell shock does not cover it. Being accused of ruining things because I was never "content" to be with him while he was lying to his wife was a sucker punch. Not because it was said but because at that moment i knew he was telling the truth. What I appreciated for the first time was that he is comfortable with the dynamic he already had with his wife. There were no consequences that she could impose that he feared. That dynamic could not be recreated with me. We wouldn't have lasted five minutes unless he broke me. I am so glad that he cannot see me now. Not broken just fragile. But this too shall pass.
OWoman Posted June 8, 2010 Posted June 8, 2010 I could have worked abroad, gotten married but foolishly factored him into my decisions. I hung in there with MM because I couldn't believe we would not end up together. I believed HIS WORDS AND ACTIONS demonstrated that he could not believe his good fortune in having me in his life. I knew he was flawed... Boho, I'm sorry for your obvious pain, but I can't understand why you're blaming him. You CHOSE this. You CHOSE to believe him, despite seeing his flaws. You CHOSE to factor him into your decisions. He was how you CHOSE to invest your time, your emotions, your dreams - every day you made that choice. Blaming him for that now casts you as some victim of some evil power that did these things to you against your will. That wasn't how it worked - you CHOSE to go along with his dreams, his promises, his claims. Sure you may have been naive, ill-informed or foolish - but none of it was forced. You chose freely, and until you see that, and accept that accept that this is not HIS fault, but the consequence of your own choices (however ill-advised they may appear to you now in retrospect), you will not be able to move on in a healthy, sustainable way. If you cast yourself as a victim, you will deny your own agency and prevent yourself from moving on until someone else comes along and saves you. If you keep absolving yourself of your own responsibility for your life, and your choices, you are never going to be in charge of your life. Every day, when you made the choice to stay with him, you must have weighed up the costs of remaining with him vs the benefits - either in the present, or in your hoped-for future. Perhaps now you're seeing it all as having been a future investment that went sour, rather than something that you enjoyed at the time for what it was. If that is accurate, and you were staying all that time for hopes and dreams but nothing worthwhile in the present - that is a choice you made and reaffirmed every day of your life for 10 whole years! That would make you either a very slow learner, not believing what your daily lived experience was telling you (today is hell, but tomorrow might be better... if I stay), or someone with very low self-esteem and expectations, who doesn't believe they deserve anything better than a daily dose of suffering.... OR the past wasn't really that bad, you enjoyed it enough to stay, and keep staying, every day - for 10 years, even though the removal of the future dream of happiness may now cast a pall over it. No one should ever stay in ANY R that's making them unhappy. If you did, for as long as that, then you should be ecstatic that you have now escaped such terminal misery, rather than angry that he is not plagued with the suffering you felt you endured and thus is his due too. By continuing to focus on him you are not only writing yourself out of your life, and out of the driving seat of your life, but you are continuing to deny yourself the daily dose of happiness you could be enjoying. I hope that you will be able to shake this off and move on... and somewhere, hopefully soon, find your own happiness.
Author bohogirl Posted June 8, 2010 Author Posted June 8, 2010 Boho, I'm sorry for your obvious pain, but I can't understand why you're blaming him. You CHOSE this. You CHOSE to believe him, despite seeing his flaws. You CHOSE to factor him into your decisions. He was how you CHOSE to invest your time, your emotions, your dreams - every day you made that choice. Blaming him for that now casts you as some victim of some evil power that did these things to you against your will. That wasn't how it worked - you CHOSE to go along with his dreams, his promises, his claims. Sure you may have been naive, ill-informed or foolish - but none of it was forced. You chose freely, and until you see that, and accept that accept that this is not HIS fault, but the consequence of your own choices (however ill-advised they may appear to you now in retrospect), you will not be able to move on in a healthy, sustainable way. If you cast yourself as a victim, you will deny your own agency and prevent yourself from moving on until someone else comes along and saves you. If you keep absolving yourself of your own responsibility for your life, and your choices, you are never going to be in charge of your life. Every day, when you made the choice to stay with him, you must have weighed up the costs of remaining with him vs the benefits - either in the present, or in your hoped-for future. Perhaps now you're seeing it all as having been a future investment that went sour, rather than something that you enjoyed at the time for what it was. If that is accurate, and you were staying all that time for hopes and dreams but nothing worthwhile in the present - that is a choice you made and reaffirmed every day of your life for 10 whole years! That would make you either a very slow learner, not believing what your daily lived experience was telling you (today is hell, but tomorrow might be better... if I stay), or someone with very low self-esteem and expectations, who doesn't believe they deserve anything better than a daily dose of suffering.... OR the past wasn't really that bad, you enjoyed it enough to stay, and keep staying, every day - for 10 years, even though the removal of the future dream of happiness may now cast a pall over it. No one should ever stay in ANY R that's making them unhappy. If you did, for as long as that, then you should be ecstatic that you have now escaped such terminal misery, rather than angry that he is not plagued with the suffering you felt you endured and thus is his due too. By continuing to focus on him you are not only writing yourself out of your life, and out of the driving seat of your life, but you are continuing to deny yourself the daily dose of happiness you could be enjoying. I hope that you will be able to shake this off and move on... and somewhere, hopefully soon, find your own happiness. The person who deliberately deceived me is to blame for hurting me to the core. Would you admonish a BS like that? If i wish to vent on a public forum instead of bottling up my emotions your perception on the usefulness or otherwise of my CHOICE is irrelevant. It is not victimhood to broach a painful subject. Victimhood would be seeking sympathy which is not what I have done. Furthermore, you have made so many assumptions from the narrative that I have submitted that your opinion is one that can easily be discounted as an attempt to be provocative/personal glory seeking. Only people I care about can hurt me or antagonise me. You are not one of them. I am so glad that you find it so easy to move on from painful events with nary a care. Some of us need a little time.
jthorne Posted June 8, 2010 Posted June 8, 2010 Boho- it's only been 5 weeks? I think you are doing great. This anger is all a part of the process of healing. You will feel a lot of things about him and the relationship before this bliss of indifference sets in. Of course you know you made the choice to get involved with a MM, and chose to stay. You might feel foolish for believing him now. You may feel like he took advantage of your love for him. Totally normal. You may be mad that you've owned your part in the A, but he's never owned his. It's only been 5 weeks. Give yourself some time. You are welcome to PM me if you wish.
RedDevil66 Posted June 8, 2010 Posted June 8, 2010 Hi, I understand your pain. I didn't "waste" 10 yrs, but did "waste" 1 year with a married guy. Please don't look at this as a waste. Every life lessons brings you closer to what your life is all about. The love, the heartache the pain, is all going to give you strength you take into your future. It's still fresh and it's going to take time to move on and get over the pain. Go easy on yourself.
OWoman Posted June 8, 2010 Posted June 8, 2010 The person who deliberately deceived me is to blame for hurting me to the core. Would you admonish a BS like that? I don't typically "admonish" people, but yes, if a BS did keep choosing, repeatedly, to keep themselves in a situation in which they perceived they were not getting sufficient benefit, on the off-chance of some pie-in-the-sky happy-ever-after with a CS who was just dishing out more of the same, day after day - then yes, I would say exactly the same to them, and have done so. I believe in personal agency, in taking responsibility for one's own actions and choices, not blaming someone else just because something didn't work out the way you'd hoped, down the track. Every R has risks attached. If someone asks you to M them, and then down the track you break up, should you blame them for the broken promise? Or accept that Rs, like people, are dynamic, and that things change, that you were party to that change, and move on... If, as a six year old, your then-best friend promises you you will be the bridesmaid at her wedding, and then decades later, you hear from a mutual acquaintance that she married - and didn't as you to be bridesmaid, despite your last having seen her many years before - are you going to blame her for not fulfilling her promise? Come on, this is the real world. Own the consequences of your own choices. If i wish to vent on a public forum instead of bottling up my emotions your perception on the usefulness or otherwise of my CHOICE is irrelevant. It is not victimhood to broach a painful subject. Victimhood would be seeking sympathy which is not what I have done. Such a disproportionate reaction to a VALID response, simply because it wasn't a saccharine bucket of sympathy, would seem to indicate otherwise... "Provocative"? "Personal glory seeking"? doesn't that seem a bit OTT to you? Furthermore, you have made so many assumptions from the narrative that I have submitted that your opinion is one that can easily be discounted as an attempt to be provocative/personal glory seeking. Only people I care about can hurt me or antagonise me. You are not one of them. I am so glad that you find it so easy to move on from painful events with nary a care. Some of us need a little time. Melodrama (as in, "I wish he had just killed me") isn't typically associated with moving on. Rather, it's the kind of tactic people employ when they want to revel in their misery, in the perceived injustice of it all... Grown-ups don't typically carry on like that, especially when their situation is one of their own concerted, repeated and freely-made choice. Wallowing in misery of one's own making and tossing one's toys out of the pram when told to own one's own choices aren't usually constructive responses to misfortune. But hey, if you want to vent, go ahead. As long as it's within the TOS it's allowed. And if reacting disproportionately to responses and opinions you don't like makes you feel better, it's all good and well. Good luck.
SoleMate Posted June 8, 2010 Posted June 8, 2010 This was so good from OWoman, I just have to repost it: Boho, I'm sorry for your obvious pain, but I can't understand why you're blaming him. You CHOSE this. You CHOSE to believe him, despite seeing his flaws. You CHOSE to factor him into your decisions. He was how you CHOSE to invest your time, your emotions, your dreams - every day you made that choice. Blaming him for that now casts you as some victim of some evil power that did these things to you against your will. That wasn't how it worked - you CHOSE to go along with his dreams, his promises, his claims. Sure you may have been naive, ill-informed or foolish - but none of it was forced. You chose freely, and until you see that, and accept that accept that this is not HIS fault, but the consequence of your own choices (however ill-advised they may appear to you now in retrospect), you will not be able to move on in a healthy, sustainable way. If you cast yourself as a victim, you will deny your own agency and prevent yourself from moving on until someone else comes along and saves you. If you keep absolving yourself of your own responsibility for your life, and your choices, you are never going to be in charge of your life. Take back the reins of your life's wagon...you left them dragging on the ground, and/or handed them to a really bad driver who does not share your destination, WAY too long now! Pick them up. Figure out where you will go. Then go there. And if some (same or other) loser tries to talk his way into your wagon, grabbing the reins and steering you into a ditch, then....JUST....SAY....NNNNOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!
Fieldsofgold Posted June 8, 2010 Posted June 8, 2010 This was so good from OWoman, I just have to repost it: Take back the reins of your life's wagon...you left them dragging on the ground, and/or handed them to a really bad driver who does not share your destination, WAY too long now! Pick them up. Figure out where you will go. Then go there. And if some (same or other) loser tries to talk his way into your wagon, grabbing the reins and steering you into a ditch, then....JUST....SAY....NNNNOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!! Very, very well said!
Mimolicious Posted June 8, 2010 Posted June 8, 2010 You can kick yourself from now til 2012, but what is that going to do? Don't do that! The world is supposed to end by then... (sorry I just had to act a clown for 2 seconds). I understand that you feel betrayed, used, fooled, etc... but you already knew that he was capable of doing this. 10 yrs is a long time OUCH! but wasting another second dwelling on someone that doesn't deserve it, is a bigger waste. Now you know and now you should know better... What I am really surprised is at the fact that you outted him time after time and yet he would get back to leading this A affair with you??!?!? Weren't you supposed to be "sunshine on a cloudy day"? I am sure that you caused him serious beef at home, yet he still continued to see you. Toxic! You'll live. I wish you strenght but for some reason, this sounds like it's far from over...
skywriter Posted June 8, 2010 Posted June 8, 2010 Please don't look at this as a waste. Every life lessons brings you closer to what your life is all about. This, to me is what it all comes down to, live and learn, so you'll never have to regret again. That was brilliant Red Devil!
TinaniT Posted June 8, 2010 Posted June 8, 2010 I am sorry you are hurting. Try not to wish for anyone else to hurt. That will only hurt you, deep inside. Try to focus on other things. For me, exercising is a great way to work through stress. A friend likes gardening. Do you have anything like that? I DEFINITELY understand feeling like you have wasted time, and that you should have known, or changed it sooner, but regardless of what has happened in the past, don't dwell... it is not something you can change. Just try to move forward. One second at a time if you have to. Good luck. -Tina
Author bohogirl Posted June 8, 2010 Author Posted June 8, 2010 I am so very thankful to those posters who shared their experiences. There is a great deal of wisdom in your words. I wish you all happiness and a glorious future. I was so confused as to why I was bouncing off the walls when I had been doing fine. Now I realise that I hadn't dealt with any of it. Burying how I felt didn't work for me. I needed to face and truly accept what happened before it could be all boxed away in the darkest recess of my mind. Venting helped enormously last night. Attempting to Internalise those feelings would have been a mistake. I read somewhere that depression is anger turned inwards. I feel more on an even keel right now. I had a great day at work and received kudos for bringing an important assignment to a profitable conclusion. Work will have to be my outlet for the time being. Once again, I appreciate being treated with such courtesy (on the most part). p.s I laughed out loud at one point during this thread. The humor was so unexpected but sorely needed.
Fieldsofgold Posted June 8, 2010 Posted June 8, 2010 Quote: "I chose to ignore his real concerns about ageing (he's 51 but has always looked older)and my not wanting him if he left his marriage. He had left his wife before and went back home after his AP changed her mind [i am not sure whether finding out about his wife's pregnancy was a factor]." This paragraph just hit me, and raised LOTS of questions. Am I reading this correctly that you were not his first affair? I am assuming he was married to the same woman at that time? How long has he been married to her, and how many years of their married life has he been in an affair with someone? If he was unhappy enough in his marriage to leave for a previous AP, why would he go back to his W after the A ended? That doesn't make sense. It might be a good idea in the future to consider the history of a potential love interest. Just a thought.
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