lillymountain Posted June 7, 2010 Posted June 7, 2010 hi everyone, i stayed away from this forum for quite a while, hoping to figure out things by myself. i am still in my ldr but i really dont know if i can survive it any longer.... we had a rough patch for more than 6 months now which ended in a break down on my side - i literally collapsed at work, due to too much stress: working studying and being basically the one who does the travelling (earning 10 times more then me, not joking, he pays for the flights) i work at an intesive care unit and on the weekends i am off to university doing my masters degree - i still managed to find time to see my boyfriend twice a month (it is a 3 hour flight) by blocking my working hours. my gp diagnosed a burnout and was close to perscribe me antidepressants. in march my bf told me for the 2nd time that he had comittment issues, but that time he was more specific and told me that he was not sure if he could live monogamously......he said that and asked me not to run away and gave me keys to his appartment. i tried to handle it somehow, but couldnt, especially because he made quite a few comments about a girl at his office he had seen 8 months ago for the first time and that i didnt use all of my female, sexy ressources. before christmas i had offered to pause study and to move to his place - its all within the european union, so i would not have needed a visa or anything. he is not european and needs to stay in england (i am from the continent) for up to another year from now on, to get a passport. moving there for half a year would have been ok and actually feasable for me, and it would have been a way to fill the long time gap. he didnt watn me to and made a big deal out of it...and that was when all this commitment sh** started. it really hurt and it felt so unfair... it felt so unfair, because i had made a lot of sacrifices to set up a schedule that would allow us to see each other on a kind of a regular basis giving him time for his also demanding work. another problem: when we met he was not over his last gf, but never told me about her, till she showed up and then he kept contact for another 6 months letting her know, when i was in london. and the i got scared, very scared and clingy and needy and freaky, everything he finally said he would commit, but i was really not over this broken trust. one day he left his gmail open on my computer and i it was not a decent thing of me to do...but i went through them and that is how i found out, that he always told his ex when i was there i tried to break up, he pulled me back the problem now: he just sayed that we have been thrown a couple of months back and that he needed to find out if out relation was still his goal and that would take a while, but that he was confident and that i should just be patient and see what is gonna happen. that is so f** hard for me to do! what i would need now is a real and true comitment to be able to trust again. i was never more in love than i am with him, but it there is so much pain and i am gonna fly home tomorrow feeling alone again.... thank you so much for reading this horribly long post lilly
Spiritofnow Posted June 8, 2010 Posted June 8, 2010 (edited) Argggghhhhhhhhh! That is how I feel when I read a post where I perceive someone who is being taken advantage of. I know love can be complex, but it really shouldn't cause so much pain, and mistrust and loneliness. Is that what you really want from a relationship? Ask yourself what your ideal relationship looks and feels like and I think you will get a clearer picture of where you are right now. I know when I was younger and had self-esteem issues, and, oh, just a myriad of negative experiences in intimate relationships I attracted people to me that were a reflection of where I was....I am going to refrain from going on and just say this. You have a lot going for you - you are motivated, you obviously have a good work ethic, you have a vision for your future, you are committed, so is being with this guy part of all those positives? Do you believe this situation is what you truly deserve? Edited June 8, 2010 by Spiritofnow
Author lillymountain Posted June 8, 2010 Author Posted June 8, 2010 @spiritofnow thank you i read through my own post again... no, it is not what i think i truly deserve but i got myself very deep down into this situation and i dont know how to get out of it i mean, i missed every single point when i could have drawn back with dignity and now im stuck i managed to blame me for everything btw, that i didnt give him enough space from the start of long distance or that i was too fast with everything but isn't there the golden rule, that if a guy wants you he is there? and doesnt make you wait and wait and wait it just doesnt make any sense....he could have let me gone a long time ago. i was a bit afraid of long distance from the start, so what i was trying to do was following all those ldr rules: comunicate on a regular basis (4 times a week) fix dates when you can see each other be comitted involve the other in your life as much as possible have at least vague plans when the distance is gonna end ..... what he wanted was: (as far as i know) not too many plans when we see each other just enjoy the time wothout ever discussing any issues - is that possible??? always a bit of an unknown when we would see each other again i am 28, i am too old for those games when we came together, i told him, that i didnt want any games. and i gave him 2 months he came and said, yes, that was what he wanted
Spiritofnow Posted June 8, 2010 Posted June 8, 2010 (edited) I think it's easy to blame ourselves when a relationship doesn't seem to be going well. 1. Because we think we should have been different, and 2: by blaming ourselves we can avoid dealing with the fact that the relationship we are in probably isn't right for us. It seems to me that you are ready to look beyond your own behaviour now and realise that HE is responsible for the way he has behaved towards you. I empathise with you when you say that you are at an age where these games are too much. However, I would say that at any age this is too much. YOU have tried to observe all the LDR boundaries and guidance in order to be a thoughtful and good girlfriend, but what has he done to ensure YOUR HAPPINESS??? Or to ensure that your relationship with him lasts the distance??? It seems to me from what I have read that you are the one who has worked hard at maintaining your relationship with him, and that you are the one who has compromised. A relationship should be 50/50 - equal partners. You ask for a way out - well there is a way out. You decide that this relationship is not good enough for you and you end it. I know it's hard to choose that, but it has to be better to heal and move on rather than continually feeling the way you have described. : ) Edited June 8, 2010 by Spiritofnow
Spiritofnow Posted June 8, 2010 Posted June 8, 2010 when we see each other just enjoy the time wothout ever discussing any issues - is that possible??? This seems totally one sided to me - there shouldn't be any hard and fast rules in a relationship that prevent two people from being honest with each other and being able to discuss their issues. He has in affect muted you, because he wants to avoid anything that looks like commitment. You should be able to discuss the issues that are important to you. Would you deny him being able to communicate his feelings with you?
Spiritofnow Posted June 8, 2010 Posted June 8, 2010 (edited) it just doesnt make any sense....he could have let me gone a long time ago. I think this quotes highlights the most important issue here - you are looking for signs that he is going to change or that by him sticking around means that he will come to care for you the way you would like him too. Stop waiting for him to treat you better, and treat yourself the way you deserve, and have a relationship with a guy who accepts you for who you are and is prepared to be an equal partner. You are allowing him to cause you pain by staying in an unequal relationship. LDR's can ONLY be SUCCESSFUL if both parties are willing to put in the same amount of effort and commitment. I don't mean to sound hard and uncaring I am just giving you my sense of honesty. I am rooting for you to choose better for yourself. I think you deserve better : ) Edited June 8, 2010 by Spiritofnow
stace79 Posted June 8, 2010 Posted June 8, 2010 Get out of this relationship. You have seen a pattern of bad behavior from him, and I guarantee you it will not change. He will continue to treat you badly because he knows that you (right now) are incapable of leaving for good. If you stay in this relationship at this point, your stress WILL become your fault, because you continue allowing him to treat you this way. You have a choice here. Stay in a bad relationship with someone who doesn't really love you, or be single and start taking better care of yourself!
Author lillymountain Posted June 9, 2010 Author Posted June 9, 2010 thank you very much guys it is so unbelievable for me.... when me met we spent three months in a row together living at my place without any problems - it was amazing, i never had experienced that before and i did have quite a lot of guys. i feel like a looser, really maybe there was great potential and i was ****ing it up by being planful at the beginning, but there is a reason why i had to do this: i was in a ldr once, less in love but it still was important and i got pretty badly cheated on - i had given heas of space at that time, we talked maybe once wvery two weeks. so this time i was prepared to do it differently, but was obviously scared that something could go wrong - once burnt always afraid. he now told me that i pressured him from the start and that is something i dont get. i can really bunderstand that i developed a clingy and not very helping behaviour after he told me the first time he was not sure about comitting which was 7 months ago. But before that i just did all the normal things i guess. i started planing when we could see each other again - i think that is normal, but i probably should have waited for him to do so i even thought about getting a different job to have more time off - stupid little me i thought it was just fair, considering the fact, that he came very close to loose his existance in london staying with me such a long time in summer and using up all of his money. a ldr means a lot of stress. that is a fact, especially when both partners are working a lot an when there is not a lot of time you can spend together. i made ALL those typical "mistakes" women make but really.... is this all my fault? even if i was a bit scared of long distance at the start is it really normal that a guy suddenly doesnt know anymore and then gives you more than half a year of yes' and no's?? and doesnt see that he is exactly driving you into either turning around and leave or starting to hold on tight because you have no foundation you can trust?
goatee Posted June 9, 2010 Posted June 9, 2010 So you're basically the local girl dating the truck driver. I don't think there's any long term advantages for you in this relationship
Author lillymountain Posted June 9, 2010 Author Posted June 9, 2010 he called me three times yesterday telling me, that he misses me....:( and he skyped me twice tonight does that make any sense?
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