I didn't know you were like this

[nixa]

I'm going to do my best to keep this simple.

 

I just need to know if I'm completely ridiculous and annoying or if my BF is being inconsiderate and/or self-centered...lately he's been making me feel like I'm supposed to be an 8 or higher on the happy scale 24/7, and that I'm not allowed to have any other feelings, particularly if it's regarding HIM.

 

Over a month ago I moved in with my BF (but am maintaining my former residence in the meantime). When I first "moved in" (I don't feel it can even be called that really) I had one of the his and hers sinks in his master bathroom and one dresser drawer. BF promised he was going to clean out one of his his/hers closets for me to use for my clothes.

 

Six weeks later he still hadn't done it, I was living out of a suitcase, with my crap piled up in a big mess on the floor, and the only closet space I had was about 3 inches of space where I had moved some of his things to make room so I could hang up some work clothes (professional attire).

 

For the last six weeks I did everything I could think of to get BF to make room for me, offered to help, etc., and on several occasions explained to him how important it was for me to not be living off the damn floor (which one would think is obvious), and for him to make space for me (especially since moving in was his idea). His responses were typically in the line of "I know it needs to get done, but it's not going to be fun". Ironically, he didn't seem to understand how NOT FUN it was for me to live off the floor.

 

Finally, on Saturday I told him he needed to start going through his things or I was leaving, as it appeared he didn't want me to be there.

 

Sunday he finally did it - and it only took him an hour

 

However, at this point I was hurt, and pretty angry that he didn't seem to understand how big a deal this was for me.

 

I wish I could just be happy that he finally did it, but I'm not. At this point I want an apology, and most importantly and understanding on his part how inconsiderate he was. I very calmly and politely told him that I really appreciate that he cleaned out one of his closets, but I'm very hurt and disappointed, and feel disrespected, that I had to live off the floor and nag the **** out of him for 6 weeks to do it.

 

He responded "I didn't know you were like this."

 

Thoughts and/or advice please.

[sagetalk]

Why not pick a guy who treats you like you want to be treated rather than trying to change a guy into the man you want him to be?

[TaraMaiden]

Well.....

 

"That works both ways, you jerk! I didn't know you were like this...! Apathetic, inconsiderate, lethargic, selfish and self-centred!"

 

.....Might be a good response......

 

 

It also might be a good thing to move back to your place (without him knowing) and see how long it takes him to get in touch with you.

Over a month, and you can consider it ended......

[nixa]

Is getting him to understand things like that a lost cause?

 

At this point, for this issue, it clearly is, and I won't get anywhere, though I'm still so angry and hurt I don't want to drop it - I honestly don't understand how he can not care - but for future issues.....??

[Miss Right]

I have a different take on the whole situation.

 

It doesn't sound like there was any malicious intent behind his actions. He could've honestly just not understood the urgency and how it came across, which is completely understandable when you consider how guys are. It's not everything you deem significant, he will hold to the same esteem and vice versa. It's part of being in a relationship and within the normal dynamics of the male-female relationship altogether.

 

ry not making a mountain out of molehill. You were hurt and felt tried, which is perfectly warranted, but it’s not end of the world, and it certainly won't be the first time you won't view the same situation in the same light. Use this opportunity to explain to him how you feel, and WHY you feel this way. If he's not a complete jerk, he won't fight you for this (afterall, you can't help the way you feel) and I'm sure he will apologize.

 

Maybe you "being this way" equates to you making a huge stink out of something he cannot understand and sees as insignificant. And again, it's insignificant because he doesn't understand and perhaps if the shoe were on the other foot, he wouldn't react or feel as you do now.

 

All the best!

[nixa]

I have a different take on the whole situation.

 

It doesn't sound like there was any malicious intent behind his actions. He could've honestly just not understood the urgency and how it came across, which is completely understandable when you consider how guys are. It's not everything you deem significant, he will hold to the same esteem and vice versa. It's part of being in a relationship and within the normal dynamics of the male-female relationship altogether.

Try not making a mountain out of molehill. You were hurt and felt tried, which is perfectly warranted, but it’s not end of the world, and it certainly won't be the first time you won't view the same situation in the same light. Use this opportunity to explain to him how you feel, and WHY you feel this way. If he's not a complete jerk, he won't fight you for this (afterall, you can't help the way you feel) and I'm sure he will apologize.

Maybe you "being this way" equates to you making a huge stink out of something he cannot understand and sees as insignificant. And again, it's insignificant because he doesn't understand and perhaps if the shoe were on the other foot, he wouldn't react or feel as you do now.

All the best!

I see your point, but this is the thing: even if he doesn't think it should be a big deal for me to live off the floor for over a month because he's too lazy to do something about it in the timeframe he promised, once I explained to him the first time (let alone the second, third and fourth) that it was a big deal to me and I was getting angry/frustrated over it, I think it was very clear that this was important to me, and he should've cared enough at that point at least to finally do something.

 

But it wasn't and he didn't.

 

And then when I tried explaining it yet again, he didn't understand, and he didn't care, and he didn't apologize, or even acknowledge that my feelings were valid.

[WintersNightTraveler]

It sounds like this guy is just one of those guys who hates housework and considers closets space and such as trivial things. A little inconsiderate of him perhaps since it's important to you but I think you're blowing it out of proportion. There are probably similar things that you don't even think about much that might be very important to him.

 

Nagging is never the way to go with guys like this, next time just move his crap to some other closet, or corner him on a lazy sunday and do it with him to make sure it gets done, but don't let it drag on for six weeks and meanwhile slow boil about it.

 

Calling him names or going home without telling him will just make things far worse and are bad ideas if you actually like the guy and want to try to make it work. Why make such a big deal out of a closet? There are so many worse problems to have than who gets what closet or how to divvy up the multiple sinks...

 

Maybe he also isn't very experienced living with other people?

 

Also if you're still maintaining your old residence he might have seen it as you living off the floor, he might see it as you brought some stuff over and are still in the process of moving.

[Miss Right]

That's it...sometimes, they just really don't get it. Not even drawing a picture could make them understand. I'm telling you, it's normal. It WILL happen.

 

You just have to ask yourself, is it really that HUGE of a deal to me? ..him not being urgent in making space for you? He did respond when you made your final threat about moving out, so clearly he wants you there. Yes, it certainly sucks that you had to take it all the way there to get a response out of him, but it happens.

 

It isn't cool that he didn't apologize, however, because even when they don't get it and don't respond how we would like, they can still apologize. He just might be a little harder to get an apology out of (he's not the only one).

 

I'm not telling you what to do, but think about it before making any decisions...really think about it, and decide what you can live with and what you absolutely cannot. I would be singing a different tune if the issue were something far more serious than him not moving fast enough to make space for you, and then coming across as a jerk. If this isn't "typical" behavior for him and he isn't constantly "not getting it," then I would let this one go.

[Miss Right]

It sounds like this guy is just one of those guys who hates housework and considers closets space and such as trivial things. A little inconsiderate of him perhaps since it's important to you but I think you're blowing it out of proportion. ... Why make such a big deal out of a closet? There are so many worse problems to have than who gets what closet or how to divvy up the multiple sinks...

 

Maybe he also isn't very experienced living with other people?

 

 

I could not agree more. The same way I see it.

[norajane]

He responded "I didn't know you were like this."

Nice. So he's the lazy ass who resisted every attempt you made to help him make room in the closet, and who turned a blind eye every time you explained how important this was to you, and now he's turning it around on you to make you feel like there's something wrong with you for feeling upset.

 

Not a good sign for the future.

 

Clearly, he has no intention of apologizing or seeing it your way. At this point, he expects you to just drop it, no big deal, move on.

 

If this is how he behaves every time you have a concern about something, then I would run far and fast if I were you. If he's consistently inconsiderate and turns it around on you for being too demanding, you are going to constantly be hurt and angry. Life's too short to live like that.

 

Keep your place. I have a feeling you'll be moving back there relatively soon.

[TaurusTerp]

Why didn't you just move his crap out of a closet after the first week?

[nixa]

Why didn't you just move his crap out of a closet after the first week?

 

No place to put it, unless I dumped it on the floor, which I think is disrespectful.

[torranceshipman]

Having the girl you love move in with you should be one of those cool, happy moments that you will always remember. If he can't even be bothered to clean out a bit of space for your stuff, and instead makes you keep your belongings in a heap on the floor, then it is pretty safe to say that he is not ready to cohabit, or make an effort of any kind. And that he is a jerk. You need to move out!

[SarahRose]

No place to put it, unless I dumped it on the floor, which I think is disrespectful.

 

 

Ah but it was perfectly ok and acceptable for him to disrespect you!

 

Don't listen to the gals who say put up with it as this is how men are. The ONLY reason men are like this is because they pull stunts like this and women put up with it. They would never get away with this crap on the job would they.

 

That is how you get roped into doing everything around the house like a maid.

 

It sounds like he is really lazy and inconsiderate and trust me, it doesn't get any better.

 

I would just move back to your own place and forget about it.

[Miss Right]

Ah but it was perfectly ok and acceptable for him to disrespect you!

 

Don't listen to the gals who say put up with it as this is how men are. The ONLY reason men are like this is because they pull stunts like this and women put up with it....

 

I would just move back to your own place and forget about it.

 

 

Wow, forgive me for also seeing it as trivial. Men do what you let them get away with (anyone does), that's true, but it's not necessary to make a big deal out of everything. We need to be realistic when we deal with these things, and if some of you honestly believe that this is the most "terrible" thing in the world, I don't see how any of you can maintain a viable relationship. You won't get very far being so rigid and ALWAYS expecting your partner to see things your way. You can talk about it till kingdom come, but in the end, he doesn't HAVE to see it your way, it's his right, just as much as it's your right not to HAVE to see it his way. The same way you can't understand how he "doesn't get it" is the same way he could not understand why "you don't get it." You BOTH are unyielding right now, not just him...think about that. You can't just throw the towel in every time someone doesn't understand you...I mean, I guess you can, but where is that going to leave you in the end?

 

And because it's not an issue that I (let me stress this is MY opinion) don't think is a "deal breaker," why hold the grudge and be miserable about it forever. You're not going to win every battle. He didn't tell you to "shut the heck up and go sit down," he just doesn't see it as a big deal, and I don't think EVERYONE will. Pick your battles and be flexible when you can. Anyone who doesn't think that they will have to resign to losing some battles (and by that I mean, getting the other party to agree, understand and see it all your way), is seriously living in the land of make believe. Are you willing to let something like this dictate what kind of relationship you're going to have? If he's always inconsiderate and insensitive, I could understand, but don't turn an isolated incident into ALL he is.

 

That's why I suggest you seriously think about how important this is. If he were so much of an inconsiderate, "jerk", would you really have gotten this far with him? By the way you're reacting to this of all things, I highly doubt that.

[sagetalk]

 

If he were so much of an inconsiderate, "jerk", would you really have gotten this far with him?

 

Heck yes she would have, where have you been? Jerks do very well with women and from her description of his behavior I'd say he's a massive one.

[brainygirl]

I think I woulda made space for myself after two or three days of him not making any room for me.

 

Better yet, i wouldn't have moved in until he's made space for me.

[Feelin Frisky]

Congratulations. You've discovered the your BF's a dip sh**. Stuff like that tends to eventually push people apart. I can ID with it because I had a GF move in with me--but we both moved together into a new place so there wasn't any territorial stuff. Although she turned out to be a great homemaker (stuff like moving furniture around to give a different look to the place when I wasn't there), I found after about the third day of living together that she'd be "turning in" at 9:30PM and saying "good night.

 

I couldn't believe how fast living together went to me watching porn and whacking off while I had a perfectly healthy woman in my bed. I had to wonder if she had an agenda. Did she show me all this hot sex and what not only in motels and her temporary stays at relatives houses only knowing all along that once she was in a stable relationship she could just shut it all down. Yeah we had sex sometimes but it was like a temporarily hot babe went back to a somewhat frigid orientation. I loved her in any regard but that was the beginning of the end right at the beginning.

[Ruby Slippers]

Having the girl you love move in with you should be one of those cool, happy moments that you will always remember. If he can't even be bothered to clean out a bit of space for your stuff, and instead makes you keep your belongings in a heap on the floor, then it is pretty safe to say that he is not ready to cohabit, or make an effort of any kind. And that he is a jerk. You need to move out!

Yeah, sounds bad.

 

The last time I moved in with a guy, he went to significant lengths to prepare his place to become our place, in advance. I never had to ask for him to make room for me in his life and our home.

[nixa]

Wow, forgive me for also seeing it as trivial. Men do what you let them get away with (anyone does), that's true, but it's not necessary to make a big deal out of everything. We need to be realistic when we deal with these things, and if some of you honestly believe that this is the most "terrible" thing in the world, I don't see how any of you can maintain a viable relationship. You won't get very far being so rigid and ALWAYS expecting your partner to see things your way. You can talk about it till kingdom come, but in the end, he doesn't HAVE to see it your way, it's his right, just as much as it's your right not to HAVE to see it his way. The same way you can't understand how he "doesn't get it" is the same way he could not understand why "you don't get it." You BOTH are unyielding right now, not just him...think about that. You can't just throw the towel in every time someone doesn't understand you...I mean, I guess you can, but where is that going to leave you in the end?

 

And because it's not an issue that I (let me stress this is MY opinion) don't think is a "deal breaker," why hold the grudge and be miserable about it forever. You're not going to win every battle. He didn't tell you to "shut the heck up and go sit down," he just doesn't see it as a big deal, and I don't think EVERYONE will. Pick your battles and be flexible when you can. Anyone who doesn't think that they will have to resign to losing some battles (and by that I mean, getting the other party to agree, understand and see it all your way), is seriously living in the land of make believe. Are you willing to let something like this dictate what kind of relationship you're going to have? If he's always inconsiderate and insensitive, I could understand, but don't turn an isolated incident into ALL he is.

 

That's why I suggest you seriously think about how important this is. If he were so much of an inconsiderate, "jerk", would you really have gotten this far with him? By the way you're reacting to this of all things, I highly doubt that.

 

I don't really understand why you're being so rude to me. Thanks for sharing your opinion.

 

Yeah, sounds bad.

 

The last time I moved in with a guy, he went to significant lengths to prepare his place to become our place, in advance. I never had to ask for him to make room for me in his life and our home.

 

That was what he said he'd be doing.

[seekandfind]

He sounds like a douche, is he kind and considerate in other aspects of your relationship?

Or does he have a history of similar behavior and pulling other stunts like this? Because if so it is only going to get get worse as time progresses..

[that girl]

I actually know someone who had the exact same thing happen and they did work things out.

 

You have every right to be upset, part of someone moving in is making room for them. He didn't do the most basic thing. I think it is a cop-out to say you were nagging. Nagging is repeatedly harassing him to take out the trash while the big game is on, asking a few times over the course of a month when you can stop living out of suitcases is totally reasonable.

 

I would give it a day so you can think and they I would think about the living situation overall.

 

Are you guys a good match in terms of living together otherwise? Does he do roughly half the housework or is he leaving it all for you? Do you generally agree on how your relationship should work?

 

I think when people start living together they should mutually agree on how things will work, division of space, household chores, calling when you won't be home (or not). Make this the time to figure things out. It could be that he was super busy or that he was freaking out a tiny bit (and taking it out on your clothes). Or he could just be super lazy (which might be a relationship ending problem). You need to talk.

[MisUnderstanding]

Nixa, forget the apology, you won't get it. He doesn't think he's done anything wrong and he won't. Good thinking on keeping your old place.

Watch him, watch what he does, and slowly record in your head. If this was a one-time occurence, then maybe it was a misunderstanding, but if he keeps doing things like that - move out. I've met men like that, inconsiderate, lazy, only thinking about themselves, not willing to take responsibility, and then playing guilt trips on you. Give it a few months and then you will see the big picture. One advise, don't try to get him to do things, he should know when things need to be done on his own. And if he doesn't - he never will.

[ComeUndone]

Wow, forgive me for also seeing it as trivial. Men do what you let them get away with (anyone does), that's true, but it's not necessary to make a big deal out of everything. We need to be realistic when we deal with these things, and if some of you honestly believe that this is the most "terrible" thing in the world, I don't see how any of you can maintain a viable relationship. You won't get very far being so rigid and ALWAYS expecting your partner to see things your way. You can talk about it till kingdom come, but in the end, he doesn't HAVE to see it your way, it's his right, just as much as it's your right not to HAVE to see it his way. The same way you can't understand how he "doesn't get it" is the same way he could not understand why "you don't get it." You BOTH are unyielding right now, not just him...think about that. You can't just throw the towel in every time someone doesn't understand you...I mean, I guess you can, but where is that going to leave you in the end?

 

And because it's not an issue that I (let me stress this is MY opinion) don't think is a "deal breaker," why hold the grudge and be miserable about it forever. You're not going to win every battle. He didn't tell you to "shut the heck up and go sit down," he just doesn't see it as a big deal, and I don't think EVERYONE will. Pick your battles and be flexible when you can. Anyone who doesn't think that they will have to resign to losing some battles (and by that I mean, getting the other party to agree, understand and see it all your way), is seriously living in the land of make believe. Are you willing to let something like this dictate what kind of relationship you're going to have? If he's always inconsiderate and insensitive, I could understand, but don't turn an isolated incident into ALL he is.

 

That's why I suggest you seriously think about how important this is. If he were so much of an inconsiderate, "jerk", would you really have gotten this far with him? By the way you're reacting to this of all things, I highly doubt that.

 

^^^^

I don't really understand why you're being so rude to me. Thanks for sharing your opinion.

 

 

She's not being rude.. she is stating her opinion on your situation, which is what you asked for. When you come on a public forum looking for advice, you are going to get a multitude of opinions, not all of which line up with your perspective.

 

FWIW I agree with her... you blew this out of proportion by not handling it earlier on. You should have just moved his shyt out of the way since he did not do it after much prodding. You sat on this and steeped for over a month so of course you're mad. Yeah, he should've considered your position, but he's a guy and it wasn't directly impacting him so it got put off over and over again (because you didn't do anything about it).

Edited June 10, 2010 by ComeUndone

[nixa]

^^^^

 

 

She's not being rude.. she is stating her opinion on your situation, which is what you asked for. When you come on a public forum looking for advice, you are going to get a multitude of opinions, not all of which line up with your perspective.

 

FWIW I agree with her... you blew this out of proportion by not handling it earlier on. You should have just moved his shyt out of the way since he did not do it after much prodding. You sat on this and steeped for over a month so of course you're mad. Yeah, he should've considered your position, but he's a guy and it wasn't directly impacting him so it got put off over and over again (because you didn't do anything about it).

I don't have a problem with the advice/opinion given by Miss Right. I think she raised some good points. I never once stated that she was wrong or that she gave bad advice or that I didn't care for her opinion.

 

However, I have not been arguing with her, and she goes and writes a rude flipping out post.