lovejunkie298 Posted June 7, 2010 Posted June 7, 2010 So basically I met this guy at my place of work, and I have a boyriend and he has a girlfriend, however I felt an amazing connection soaring through me once I laid eyes on him. It was not just his looks, but his attitude and the way he walked and carried himself across. However he worked a lot less hours than me, so I barely ever saw him, and it took a long time to even get his attention. This is absolutely ridiculous I know, but I am obsessed with him and have been obsessed with him for about 9 months. Anyways, a few weeks after he appeared, he popped up in my dream, and this does not happen often at all. When I dream about a guy, intimate or not, it means that Ireally like them, and this confirmed it. I woke up and immediately thought 'Oh no'. He was so unnatainable, but I wanted him more and more. So we barely exchanged words, but flirted consistently for about a month and a half, where I would only actually see him for a few hours a week, and he was in a different department to me, however I was simply drawn to him. I would steal his minor small belongings as a way of flirting, and not return them until the next time I saw. him. He did not act amazingly interested, as he was living with somebody, but he still showed some signs that he felt a small bond between us. One day, after the continuous flirting, I overheard randomly that he was not coming back to work and was deeply deeply upset. I did not know what to do as he was simply all I thought about, and the chemistry that passed through me was the strongest I had ever ever experienced. I became incredibly depressed that I would never see him again, and even more upset that he did not even count me as more than anything, or that I was irrelevant to him. I plucked up the courage a few weeks later to send him a text, claiming that I had something o his. He texted back to say that he would come and pick it up later on in the week and I was OVERJOYED. After a few weeks, I heard from him again saying that he would come by later in the evening, and I was so excited. Then he came by, we spoke for half an hour and ended up kissing, but I made an incredibly stupid mistake and told him that I needed to go as I was late or something(which was true) and I was just too anxious and scared. After he left, I never heard from him again, and it has been about 6 or 7 months. The likelihood is that he has deleted my number as I am irrelevant, and nothing is going to happen. I seriously cannot take this anymore as I am still to this day OBSESSED with him and it is ruining my life. I have to stress that I am not a loser who stalks people, but a young attractive woman who gets attention regularly and has a busy life. I don't know what to do about this and I seriously need some help. I am not clingy and desperate and don't want to text him as he will be freaked out that I still have his number etc. but I am going crazy. I have never EVER felt like this before.. please please help me.
theodora Posted June 7, 2010 Posted June 7, 2010 Hi there Not sure im of any help really. there are sum really wise people on here who im sure will say good stuff, just thought id reach out and say sorry your going through this. thing which stands out to me reading your post is that whatever your going thru, seems not really to be about him. Maybe your not happy in your relationship, or your job or something. I kno it probably feels like it's about him but since you hardly know him...it can't really be. he's just a fantasy, and believe me I KNO how powerful it can be to fall in love with a fantasy. It feels really real, and in a way, that means it IS real...but at the same time once you realise it's just a fantasy sometimes that makes it easier to understand and deal with. one thing seems sure, he doesn't feel the same way. sorry if thats not what you want to hear, but aside from him having a gf, if he was real into you he would have found a way to text or call you. if you havent heard from him in so long then it's because he has prob either moved on, or wants to move on. i reckon this is really about you, and how you are in your life, and what he represents. think about what he represents and you might realise what is missing. and when you realise what is missing, think of a good way to try and find it somewhere healthy and good and achievable. wise words.........i kno. easier said than done. failing all of the above you could also send him a text or email, just to see what happens. after all, if you are compeleed to find out for certain then sometimes these thing are worth being a bit crazy over. Work out what you'd lose by being honest with him, and if you can deal with the fact that he may not respond, or he may reject you then go for it. in the meantime just look after yourself. i have had so many crushes in my life! i kno how painful it is. i got one now which is hurting, so at the least kno your not alone
Author lovejunkie298 Posted June 7, 2010 Author Posted June 7, 2010 Thanks so much, I seriously expected people to write mean stuff on here to be honest.. You are completely right, it is not really about him, but I feel that I will not be happy unless I get him or gain contact with him. Something is seriously wrong with me:( well you are right, im not really happy in some aspects of life, but why is it him that I have these srong feelings for? And nobody else? He probably is just a fantasy..how do you not fall in love with a fantasy? Well yeah of course he doesn't feel the same way, that really really is upsetting, I know he would have! Well he has NO idea how I feel as I keep this stuf inside, in fact I seemed to be playing hard to get. I shall send him a text probably, but I am really really scared of rejection. I would be crushed, however it would also be good to actually put an end to things and give things a proper conclusion. Thanks so much, that is really really kind of you! You take care as well, and good luck with your crush and everything..
jthorne Posted June 7, 2010 Posted June 7, 2010 Uh, not to be insensitive, but you have a boyfriend, but you've been infatuated with a guy you barely know for a few months. This is URGENT why??? You barely know the guy, so what you are infatuated with is your IDEA of him. You had a dream about him, so you've decided he's the one for you? Seriously? I had a dream about Henry Cavill last night after watching The Tudors. I guess that means I should dump my fiance. This guy could be a total jerk once you got to know him. He can't be that upstanding if he'd kiss another girl behind his girlfriend's back. Not sure why you'd want something like that for yourself, but whatever. You haven't spoken with him for quite a while, yet he knows how to reach you if he wanted to. Why hasn't he? Maybe it's because he has a girlfriend?!?! Obviously, he wasn't that interested in you, or he would have told you about him leaving his job and made the effort to keep in touch. Sorry, he hasn't done that. Since you are wasting all your time thinking of this other guy that has his own girlfriend, you are obviously not spending much time on your relationship with your own boyfriend. Looks like it's time to let him go so he kind find someone who respects him and loves him, and will spend her time thinking about him instead of someone else. Good luck!
MorningCoffee Posted June 7, 2010 Posted June 7, 2010 I once experienced the same sort of feelings for a co-worker. Much of your description reminds me of the concept called "limerance" -- a state of being that may be relevant to your feelings for this guy. You might check it out. http://www.tennov.com/bookr/QnA.html
Author lovejunkie298 Posted June 7, 2010 Author Posted June 7, 2010 Everything you are saying here is right. I am an absolute idiot but I cant help how I feel. Uh, not to be insensitive, but you have a boyfriend, but you've been infatuated with a guy you barely know for a few months. This is URGENT why??? You barely know the guy, so what you are infatuated with is your IDEA of him. You had a dream about him, so you've decided he's the one for you? Seriously? I had a dream about Henry Cavill last night after watching The Tudors. I guess that means I should dump my fiance. This guy could be a total jerk once you got to know him. He can't be that upstanding if he'd kiss another girl behind his girlfriend's back. Not sure why you'd want something like that for yourself, but whatever. You haven't spoken with him for quite a while, yet he knows how to reach you if he wanted to. Why hasn't he? Maybe it's because he has a girlfriend?!?! Obviously, he wasn't that interested in you, or he would have told you about him leaving his job and made the effort to keep in touch. Sorry, he hasn't done that. Since you are wasting all your time thinking of this other guy that has his own girlfriend, you are obviously not spending much time on your relationship with your own boyfriend. Looks like it's time to let him go so he kind find someone who respects him and loves him, and will spend her time thinking about him instead of someone else. Good luck!
Author lovejunkie298 Posted June 7, 2010 Author Posted June 7, 2010 I looked it up and it sounds about right. Thanks for finally giving what I feel a term that I can refer to more easily. Much of your description reminds me of the concept called "limerance" -- a state of being that may be relevant to your feelings for this guy. You might check it out. http://www.tennov.com/bookr/QnA.html
jthorne Posted June 7, 2010 Posted June 7, 2010 Everything you are saying here is right. I am an absolute idiot but I cant help how I feel.I never said you were an idiot. But you are definitely not seeing things as they really are.
Hazyhead Posted June 7, 2010 Posted June 7, 2010 I had a dream about Henry Cavill last night after watching The Tudors. I guess that means I should dump my fiance. Sorry, this is off-thread mostly... JT, you're engaged? Congratulations! Lovejunkie - you need to let this go. Given the way you are obsessing over him no contact would be wise. If he rejects you, you'll be crushed; if he remembers you, you're back to more obsessing. It's not healthy, sweetie - move on.
torranceshipman Posted June 7, 2010 Posted June 7, 2010 Hi there, I'd never say anything mean to this...being obsessed with a guy you never see? I think there is a glitch in the matrix somewhere and you might need a few appointments with a counselor just to work out how you got into this thought pattern. Although you might not agree with me now - this isn't completely about him - its more to do with something you are wanting/needing/missing/need validation for. You're not the first and certainly wont be the last to feel this way, but you do need just a bit of help to get past it. Good luck
Author lovejunkie298 Posted June 7, 2010 Author Posted June 7, 2010 Thanks so much! How could a councellor help? It is absolutely ridiculous I know it myself, but it doesn't stop me from wanting him even more.. Hi there, I'd never say anything mean to this...being obsessed with a guy you never see? I think there is a glitch in the matrix somewhere and you might need a few appointments with a counselor just to work out how you got into this thought pattern. Although you might not agree with me now - this isn't completely about him - its more to do with something you are wanting/needing/missing/need validation for. You're not the first and certainly wont be the last to feel this way, but you do need just a bit of help to get past it. Good luck
jthorne Posted June 7, 2010 Posted June 7, 2010 Sorry, this is off-thread mostly... JT, you're engaged? Congratulations! Lovejunkie - you need to let this go. Given the way you are obsessing over him no contact would be wise. If he rejects you, you'll be crushed; if he remembers you, you're back to more obsessing. It's not healthy, sweetie - move on.Thank you very much! Thanks so much! How could a councellor help? It is absolutely ridiculous I know it myself, but it doesn't stop me from wanting him even more..But you barely even know him! You are wanting what you THINK he is! You're living inside your head. You've developed a fantasy in you head, and no way he's gonna be anywhere near as good as your fantasy, trust me. What would happen if you told your BF you have a crush on someone else? I may differ with Hazy, but I'm starting to think that maybe you should contact this guy. If he's a jerk to you, yes it might crush you, but it would show you what he really is. I dunno, I have to think more on that. But I know one thing- you have to find some way of figuring out that your fantasy is NOT reality.
Owl Posted June 7, 2010 Posted June 7, 2010 If you feel this strongly, my first suggestion is to dump your boyfriend. Always end one relationship before pursuing another. Clearly your current BF isn't "cutting the mustard". So give him the old 'heave ho' now, so you can set the stage for being with this other guy. Don't keep the current BF around as a fallback plan...not fair to any of the three of you.
ADF Posted June 7, 2010 Posted June 7, 2010 Stop, stop, stop. Let your rational mind kick in here. Let me repeat what you wrote, in part: "I felt an amazing connection soaring through me once I laid eyes on him. It was not just his looks, but his attitude and the way he walked and carried himself across." What does any of this mean, really? Nothing. It's just a bunch of just mushy-gushy teenage stuff. That "connection" isn't real. It is purely hormonal. So you met a guy you found wildly attractive. That happens now and again in life. But don't start thinking about changing your whole life in response to a sudden rush of emotion. That's not wise.
fooled once Posted June 8, 2010 Posted June 8, 2010 Totally agree with the others. He isn't into you - he kissed you because he felt you would be easy to get in the sack...is this really the kind of guy you want????
MorningCoffee Posted June 8, 2010 Posted June 8, 2010 I looked it up and it sounds about right. Thanks for finally giving what I feel a term that I can refer to more easily. The book is called "Love and Limerance," and I suggest it to help you see the difference. . . .
Author lovejunkie298 Posted June 8, 2010 Author Posted June 8, 2010 You're probably right, he isn't interested. But I can'tr take that, Id rather know for sure that he isn't rather than be hanging! Yeah it's so obsessive, this has never happened before to me. No my bf has no idea, the reason I did not speak about this in my post was because I didn't wanna get a whole load of abuse about how unfair I was being to him by liking someone else. I also didn't mention that my bf hates this guy. I feel and know that my bf and I are not right, but he literally won't let me break up with him because he is so in love with me (don't ask why) so there isn't much I can do.But mostly you have built him up in your fantasies. It is a very obsessive, especially considering you two never really had anything between each other and it sounds like you were little more than a blip on his radar. Does your bf know about all this? How do you feel towards your bf? You have hardly mentioned him.
Author lovejunkie298 Posted June 8, 2010 Author Posted June 8, 2010 Well I'd rather that, than nothing to be fair..I just want him so much. Totally agree with the others. He isn't into you - he kissed you because he felt you would be easy to get in the sack...is this really the kind of guy you want????
Author lovejunkie298 Posted June 8, 2010 Author Posted June 8, 2010 I wouldn't tell my bf this as he would be absolutely crushed, I'd rather just not tell him, because he would be SO hurt. I do want to contact him but you are right, I am scared of being rejected and hurt by him. I wouldn't even know what on earth to say.. Thanks. Thank you very much! But you barely even know him! You are wanting what you THINK he is! You're living inside your head. You've developed a fantasy in you head, and no way he's gonna be anywhere near as good as your fantasy, trust me. What would happen if you told your BF you have a crush on someone else? I may differ with Hazy, but I'm starting to think that maybe you should contact this guy. If he's a jerk to you, yes it might crush you, but it would show you what he really is. I dunno, I have to think more on that. But I know one thing- you have to find some way of figuring out that your fantasy is NOT reality.
Author lovejunkie298 Posted June 8, 2010 Author Posted June 8, 2010 I can't dump my bf. I have tried, and he just begs me not to and becomes ill etc..I want to as I feel it is right, but he just won't emotionally let me dump him. I KNOW I should dump him as it's not fair as you said, but yes it's not right to carry on this way. If you feel this strongly, my first suggestion is to dump your boyfriend. Always end one relationship before pursuing another. Clearly your current BF isn't "cutting the mustard". So give him the old 'heave ho' now, so you can set the stage for being with this other guy. Don't keep the current BF around as a fallback plan...not fair to any of the three of you.
Nightshades Thorns Posted June 8, 2010 Posted June 8, 2010 I agree w much that has been posted already. I do want to say that I have been through very nearly the same situation, and I can honestly say that he's not into you. He recognized your text for what it was, and saw an opportunity for sex; when it didnt pan out he cut his loses. Where you have regrets about not doing more than kissing, it was prob the best possible choice you could have made. (I speak from expierience) He would have left w/o a trace anyway. But you shouldnt ignore your feelings either, just realize that your feelings for him are not actually caused by him; but far more likely is stemming from something that is stemming from you and/or your relationships w your boyfriend. If you and your boyfriend can work it out, great! but if not, it isnt fair to stay together, if you do, this situation will only repeat itself (again from experience).
bentnotbroken Posted June 8, 2010 Posted June 8, 2010 You have no control over your life. You just float through letting the others make the decisions for you. You can't help how you feel, you can't dump your BF because he won't let you. Are you an adult or not? Take some responsibility for you life and your decisions. Being a junkie is no good in any situation of life. It is a crutch, an excuse not to be an adult.
RedDevil66 Posted June 8, 2010 Posted June 8, 2010 I felt this way about a pair of shoes once and when I went back to the store, they were sold. I obsessed about them for months ;-) Of course I am being silly, thought it's a true story, but you're being silly and immature in your emotions. Obsession is a form of avoidance. Figure out what in your life you're truly trying to avoid, then you will get over this.
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