Delacy Posted June 7, 2010 Posted June 7, 2010 Hi, i really could do with some advice here... My relationship ended 3 years ago, ive tried forming new relationships, but i always think of my ex and im still deeply in love with her, why is this?? i havn't even seen her in 3 years either.
zerovandez Posted June 7, 2010 Posted June 7, 2010 Do you talk to her now? Are you friends with her? Is she aware of your feelings?
Steadfast Posted June 7, 2010 Posted June 7, 2010 It is very common for people to continue loving someone after a breakup. You may always love her. I still love my ex, but more specifically, love who she used to be. The girl I thought she was. That is, if she ever was that person. It is better to not look for love if you feel you're needing it. Do what it takes to come to terms with your feelings, then move towards being happy in your own skin. Three years is a long time, but some people take longer than others. It's OK! Once you are happy, content and motivated you'll meet someone. Even then, you might still love her, but you'll have moved on too. You have to. What other choice is there?
Author Delacy Posted June 7, 2010 Author Posted June 7, 2010 Thank you so much...i may meet someone new but i dont think i'll ever move on, because i havn't after such a long time, do i just have to except that i will always be in love with her...???
getbackwithex Posted June 8, 2010 Posted June 8, 2010 I am in the exact same boat. It's been over three years for me too. I've dated, in fact I'm going on a date tonight, but I still think about her. It's tough for me because I still have to see her once in a while because of mutual friends. I wish I didn't have to sometimes. I think the most important thing for you to do is continue on your path and keep on keepin' on. If you've gone three years with absolutely no contact, then you can do it for the rest of your life. BTW it is okay to still love them, even though they are not in your life and may never be again. I still love my ex because I respect her and realize life is too short to hold grudges with people who a genuinely good people. One day when I'm ready I may reach out again and work on being friends, but for now because of the feelings I have I know that I cannot do that until there are absolutely no expectations
mickleb Posted June 8, 2010 Posted June 8, 2010 Acutally, it is NOT okay to still love them years after they dumped you. Most likely it is a result of your PASSIVE commitment phobia. Take it from someone who's been there and do yourselves a favour by reading 'He's Scared, She's Scared' by Stephen Carter. Even if you think I'm completely off the mark: do it. What harm can it do? Take care. x
McGrupp Posted June 8, 2010 Posted June 8, 2010 go out and bang lots and lots of women. how many girls have u been with since? anything less then 30 and keep it moving. it helps a lot. and i mean quality women no hoes or fat girls
Nikki Sahagin Posted June 8, 2010 Posted June 8, 2010 I would really examine your feelings closely. Is it really love? Or obsession/infatuation/nostalgia? If you feel it is love, why do you think you are still feeling this way? As another poster stated, it could be a passive form of committmentphobia, it could be so many things. I think we always look back on things with rose-tinted glasses and we feel there is nothing out there that can beat that experience.
DustySaltus Posted June 8, 2010 Posted June 8, 2010 Until you LET GO no one will be able to get close to you because you won't allow them to. I think it's important to get to the root of the issue here. Why do you love her so much after all of this time? What did she do to make you realize that she wasn't the woman that you thought she was? What is missing in your life right now that you feel the need to go back to that relationship in your mind to get some sense of happiness? These are all questions that you need to ask yourself. Have you spoke with a therapist about this issue. They can be a tremendous help for you. I never went to one before my bad break up with my ex-fiance but it got me through it and made me realize what I needed to do to get back to me. You just have to WANT to move on. Otherwise it's just a waste of time.
Ilovecake Posted June 8, 2010 Posted June 8, 2010 Delacy, you think you are in love with this woman because for some reason you decided to idealize her. I was in the same boat; I was in love with my ex 12 years after we broke up. I compared every man to him. Last year I got to spend some time with my ex and realized exactly why it was we broke up so long a go. Even though he’s a very intelligent, kind individual there were definitely personality traits that were not competitive with what I was looking for in a partner. You need to remember the reasons you are no longer with her instead of putting her on a pedestal in your mind.
Author Delacy Posted June 8, 2010 Author Posted June 8, 2010 Thanks folks... I'm not scared of commitment, i do want a new relationship, but in my head i think no one is going to treat me better than how she did, she was SIMPLY out of this world, i know i do need to bring her down off this pedestal!! but how!!??
Author Delacy Posted June 8, 2010 Author Posted June 8, 2010 Should have mentioned before, this was a gay relationship, not that it makes a difference!
hopesndreams Posted June 8, 2010 Posted June 8, 2010 go out and bang lots and lots of women. how many girls have u been with since? anything less then 30 and keep it moving. it helps a lot. and i mean quality women no hoes or fat girls No woman of "quality" would want to be with a man that bangs lots of lots of women. Sorry bud, but only "hoes" would want a piece of you.
hopesndreams Posted June 9, 2010 Posted June 9, 2010 Should have mentioned before, this was a gay relationship, not that it makes a difference! Three years is such a long time. No one can be that special to throw your life away over. She's only human after all. There are billions of women on the planet and when you do find someone of interest, do not compare her to the ex. She will be a completely different person, with her own uniqueness and special qualities.
tonnywillgram Posted June 9, 2010 Posted June 9, 2010 i agree, everyone is unique! we might have some have something in common but still we are different.. hope everything will turn out well for you.
Frommemoriespast Posted June 15, 2010 Posted June 15, 2010 Honestly, I cannot believe some of these replies. If you have ever fallen in love, really fallen hard for someone, then it does not matter how long ago it was or how long it took you to fall...you're always going to feel love for that person. People like to tell to you that there must be something wrong with you if you are still feeling this way, but those are the people who have never felt what you feel for someone. Love is strong, and everlasting... and if you didn't still feel it, well then it wasn't love then was it. If you thought you were inlove and then those feelings vanished, then it was infactuation. If it was just pure attraction, that too fades away. However, when you feel love towards another human being then those feelings stay in your "heart" forever, at least you will still feel that way when you think about them or see them. Yes, if you stay on ________(fill in blank with her/his name) mode 24/7/365...then yeah it's an obsession, and should talk to someone. Other than that, feeling them around you, looking for them everywhere you go (and sorta hoping you do not see them), that stuff takes a while to go away. If you still have feelings for her, tell her. If the situation allows that is! If you did something to cause the break up, trying talking to her about anything else. Eventually work up to appologies! And then, tell her how you never forgot about her, and haven't found anyone that touches your heart and no one ever will the way she did. If you were the person that was on the rough side of the break up, it's possible that you are holding on mainly because of that and because she shows up still at your social gatherings. Don't let anyone make you feel bad about loving her still, it's your feelings...your business. You cannot help who you love, reguardless of whether you want to or society tells you it's wrong. I hope that you can work through how your feeling, and if it's something that you can work out with her, give it a chance..if you do not try you'll never know.
xox101 Posted June 15, 2010 Posted June 15, 2010 (edited) You are not in love with her but with the memory of her. Two completely different things in my opinion! So you have to sort the memories out as what you have now is an infatuation with the memory of someone you last knew three years ago. For all you know she could be twice the size she was now with an addiction to big macs and double fries! It is true it takes time to get over someone we were deeply in love with but it also takes action on our part! That action can comprise moving house/apartment/town/city, changing jobs/friends,taking up new hobby's,travelling the world, in fact anything that jogs your mind out of the past and into the present. For my friend that is exactly where you are spending your life- in the past! And the past does not exist except in our minds as memory's. As has already been said, seeing a professional councillor can be of immense help. A councillor can help you to work out why your relationship ended, how to forgive yourself and your ex and how to move on in your life! Also each time your ex pops up in your mind make a deliberate effort to either think of something else or do something that will concentrate your mind on something else. Our minds are wonderful at allowing us to get through our day in autopilot! That is why you don't have to concentrate that much when doing day to day things like driving or operating a computer. Unfortunately that autopilot function has it's downside, it operates a bit like a CD player on constant replay! Constantly bringing up memories from the past because it has got into the habit of doing just that! Your mind can be retrained by you to ignore those memories or at the very least store them somewhere dark and deep. But it takes commitment and effort to do this and sometimes it is just easier to wallow in our self pity and our story. Am I being a little harsh in saying that? Perhaps but it is your life and living it in the past is simply a waste! Edited June 15, 2010 by xox101 Sig
Author Delacy Posted June 15, 2010 Author Posted June 15, 2010 Honestly, I cannot believe some of these replies. If you have ever fallen in love, really fallen hard for someone, then it does not matter how long ago it was or how long it took you to fall...you're always going to feel love for that person. People like to tell to you that there must be something wrong with you if you are still feeling this way, but those are the people who have never felt what you feel for someone. Love is strong, and everlasting... and if you didn't still feel it, well then it wasn't love then was it. If you thought you were inlove and then those feelings vanished, then it was infactuation. If it was just pure attraction, that too fades away. However, when you feel love towards another human being then those feelings stay in your "heart" forever, at least you will still feel that way when you think about them or see them. Yes, if you stay on ________(fill in blank with her/his name) mode 24/7/365...then yeah it's an obsession, and should talk to someone. Other than that, feeling them around you, looking for them everywhere you go (and sorta hoping you do not see them), that stuff takes a while to go away. If you still have feelings for her, tell her. If the situation allows that is! If you did something to cause the break up, trying talking to her about anything else. Eventually work up to appologies! And then, tell her how you never forgot about her, and haven't found anyone that touches your heart and no one ever will the way she did. If you were the person that was on the rough side of the break up, it's possible that you are holding on mainly because of that and because she shows up still at your social gatherings. Don't let anyone make you feel bad about loving her still, it's your feelings...your business. You cannot help who you love, reguardless of whether you want to or society tells you it's wrong. I hope that you can work through how your feeling, and if it's something that you can work out with her, give it a chance..if you do not try you'll never know. Thank you for that, really. She doesn't love me back at all though, so there is no chance for us.
Ilovecake Posted June 15, 2010 Posted June 15, 2010 Honestly, I cannot believe some of these replies. If you have ever fallen in love, really fallen hard for someone, then it does not matter how long ago it was or how long it took you to fall...you're always going to feel love for that person. People like to tell to you that there must be something wrong with you if you are still feeling this way, but those are the people who have never felt what you feel for someone. Love is strong, and everlasting... and if you didn't still feel it, well then it wasn't love then was it. If you thought you were inlove and then those feelings vanished, then it was infactuation. If it was just pure attraction, that too fades away. However, when you feel love towards another human being then those feelings stay in your "heart" forever, at least you will still feel that way when you think about them or see them. Yes, if you stay on ________(fill in blank with her/his name) mode 24/7/365...then yeah it's an obsession, and should talk to someone. Other than that, feeling them around you, looking for them everywhere you go (and sorta hoping you do not see them), that stuff takes a while to go away. If you still have feelings for her, tell her. If the situation allows that is! If you did something to cause the break up, trying talking to her about anything else. Eventually work up to appologies! And then, tell her how you never forgot about her, and haven't found anyone that touches your heart and no one ever will the way she did. If you were the person that was on the rough side of the break up, it's possible that you are holding on mainly because of that and because she shows up still at your social gatherings. Don't let anyone make you feel bad about loving her still, it's your feelings...your business. You cannot help who you love, reguardless of whether you want to or society tells you it's wrong. I hope that you can work through how your feeling, and if it's something that you can work out with her, give it a chance..if you do not try you'll never know. You can still care for someone after years but really you should not still be in love. If you feel that after years of not being around them you are still in love with someone and you are obsessing about them than what you really are is addicted to the idea of whom you think they are and that is not healthy. If stunts your growth as a person because you are so busy concentrating on a fantasy instead of living your life to the fullest. You need to take the focus off your ex and on to bettering you and building a happy life for yourself so that you are living in the present not pinning for the past. Start by exploring why it is you have such a hard time letting go and strengthen that part of you.
Ckyh Posted June 18, 2010 Posted June 18, 2010 (edited) Honestly, I cannot believe some of these replies. If you have ever fallen in love, really fallen hard for someone, then it does not matter how long ago it was or how long it took you to fall...you're always going to feel love for that person. People like to tell to you that there must be something wrong with you if you are still feeling this way, but those are the people who have never felt what you feel for someone. Love is strong, and everlasting... and if you didn't still feel it, well then it wasn't love then was it. If you thought you were inlove and then those feelings vanished, then it was infactuation. If it was just pure attraction, that too fades away. However, when you feel love towards another human being then those feelings stay in your "heart" forever, at least you will still feel that way when you think about them or see them. Yes, if you stay on ________(fill in blank with her/his name) mode 24/7/365...then yeah it's an obsession, and should talk to someone. Other than that, feeling them around you, looking for them everywhere you go (and sorta hoping you do not see them), that stuff takes a while to go away. . wow. That was really well said...made me really take a look at myself and feel that I am normal for still loving my ex even though we split up 8 months ago and it was due to me ending things (read my first thread if interested)...I hope I can get over the pain that I am feeling and the fear that I will never meet someone who I shared such strong feelings for in the past. *sigh* Edited June 18, 2010 by Ckyh
XKatieX Posted June 22, 2010 Posted June 22, 2010 Its a rare feeling to always love someone no matter what, unconditionally. But its a love that DOES exist, so no there is nothing wrong with you. It can be the best feeling in the world but it can also be the worst feeling in the world, if you ever lose that person. For all the people saying its not normal, they obviously have never experienced unconditional love before. Be thankful that you can love someone so deeply, its a very special thing. Unfortunately if that person doesn't love you/want to be with you, there is nothing you can do other than to try and help yourself move forward.
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