rina_r Posted June 7, 2010 Posted June 7, 2010 My mother is moving in with me...without even prior discussing it with me…without getting my permission. And it would be fine but one major thing – we never had a good relationship. She is a whiner, compassion seeker, always a victim, etc. But the worst thing…while coming to me for help, advice, assistance…she is badmouthing me when talks to her friends. According to her I am selfish, rude, don’t want to pay my dues to her as a parent bc I don’t want to support her – she wants to quit working at 55 y.o. and wants only to sit at home. Every time I do not cater to her needs – I am a monster. She tells them I want her money but she forgets to mention that I pay her phone bill. And never ever in my life I asked her for any money. So…her moving in with me to my 1BDR apartment will be a disaster. I feel depressed bc I don’t want to deal with conflicts on a daily basis but I also cant give into her manipulations any more...
LuckyCharm Posted June 7, 2010 Posted June 7, 2010 Hi There! I also had a VERY bad relationship with my mom, she would bad mouth me too and it got so bad now that I cut her out of my life and it's been the best feeling ever. Why can't you just tell your mom "NO, you CAN'T move in with me!" ? You didn't mention if she's disabled which doesn't sound like that since you said she wants to stop working at the age of 55 and just sit at home...sit on your expense? doesn't sound like a good idea to me! tell her she's gonna have to crash some where else.
Author rina_r Posted June 7, 2010 Author Posted June 7, 2010 No, she is healthy, capable to work, speaks good English, and drives a car. And i guess it is my conscience that does not let me just to tell her off. Cultural stuff... Sometimes she guilt-trips me to the point that i start believing all the crap she is saying about me. I think i will give her time to get a job here but then she'll have to move to her own place. Meanwhile i will spend more time at my boyfriend's place. I do understand that i need to clearly set up boundaries and not to give in no matter what she says. I am just looking for support - i feel alone in it.
LuckyCharm Posted June 7, 2010 Posted June 7, 2010 NO! Don't let her spend even one night in your house! other wise she'll never leave!! I've seen this type of behavior so many times; Mother wants to move in - Daughter doesn't want her to - Mother says it's only for a day or till she finds her own place - Mother then never looks for her own place - Daughter finds herself living a nightmare.... See where this is going? Don't let her stay with you for even one night, you know her intentions!
carhill Posted June 7, 2010 Posted June 7, 2010 Since mom says 'you want her money', she should ensure you never get it by staying at a nice residential hotel in your area until she gets a job and secures an apartment or condo. Rates are reasonable. Then she can tell everyone her selfish daughter made her stay in a hotel. I like that, meeting other's expectations In case that's too cryptic for you, she can stay at your place when you're dead. Not one nanosecond before. Good luck
turnera Posted June 8, 2010 Posted June 8, 2010 Sorry, but it's time to 'grow up' (no offense), and tell her "Sorry, mom, but I can't afford to support you and I can't afford to move to a bigger apartment. Unless you have a paycheck that can be sent directly to the apartment complex, I simply can't handle it." Aside from that, get the book The Dance of Anger. It will teach you a LOT about saying no while still letting them know you love them.
Author rina_r Posted June 8, 2010 Author Posted June 8, 2010 Thanks for the advice, but i AM grown up, it is my mother who is not. Cultural issues is something difficult to understand when you are not a part of that culture. And you know, it hurts a lot when she tells me or her friends that i am a bad daughter, that I am selfish, cold-hearted, etc every time I go against her wishes. It also hurts that I have nobody else in this world, no other family and my only family treats me like this...
turnera Posted June 8, 2010 Posted June 8, 2010 I understand it perfectly. My DD19's best friend is from Thailand, her other is from Korea. Family trumps everything. I'm saying that you can choose to stay with the rules of that culture and ACCEPT it and stop being miserable because you accept it, or you can choose that since you live where you live, and you are an adult, you can CHANGE what you wish to abide by. People shed old cultural norms all the time. What YOU are talking about is a dysfunctional situation in which your mother controls you through ridiculing you, harming your self-esteem, and guilting you. You DO have the right and the option to walk away from it. But you are allowing it to control you. If your only family treats you like this, is it not time to consider finding 'new' family, through friends and acquaintances? I'm not saying you're wrong. I do get it. My own mom did the same thing and it nearly killed me. "Oh, you're wearing THAT? Ok..." Instant mortification, shame, self-hatred, on my part. Through no fault of my own. But there has to be some stage in your life where you hit that wall, that wall that you simply can't ignore any more like you have been - the wall that makes you look at your life and say 'do I want to be driven by guilt for the rest of my life or do I want to find peace and happiness?' Therapy would be a great option in your case. And that book I recommended will help a LOT. It's tiny, you could read it in a day. But very powerful.
Angel1111 Posted June 8, 2010 Posted June 8, 2010 I don't think a child should ever be the provider to a parent unless the circumstances are very extreme. A responsible parent would never expect this of their children. I'm a single mom in my 50's and I cringe at what your mother is doing. My son is going to college and will make a good living but I will never expect him to take care of me. Yea, I'd love to quit work and do as I please - this is called Fantasyland and your mother is living in it. It will be a huge mistake if you let her move in with you. She has no respect for you and probably has no respect for anyone. If she talks badly about you, that's her problem. I can guarantee you that people around her already know what she's like and I doubt they put any importance on anything she says anyway. Keep her out of your house!
LuckyCharm Posted June 8, 2010 Posted June 8, 2010 It says under your user name that your from South USA, is that correct? If so I don't see the problem, it's more than acceptable to say NO here in America As far as the culture things go, who are you trying to please? your moms (and her friends) or yourself? You can't make the whole world happy and I'm sure you found that out years ago with failed attempts to please your mom. Who cares what she says to her friends about you?? My mom also bad mouths me to her friends, that's why lots of her friends on Facebook have only befriended my Brother and not me. but I don't care, I'd rather live my life pleasing myself and the ones who accept me for who I am and not the ones who don't.
Author rina_r Posted June 8, 2010 Author Posted June 8, 2010 It says under your user name that your from South USA, is that correct? If so I don't see the problem, it's more than acceptable to say NO here in America . Yes, i am in USA, and you are right, I can say no. I think i need to engrave it over my bed. Thanks!
LuckyCharm Posted June 8, 2010 Posted June 8, 2010 Yes, i am in USA, and you are right, I can say no. I think i need to engrave it over my bed. Thanks! Please do and let us know how things turn out for you
califnan Posted June 9, 2010 Posted June 9, 2010 Tell her that if she is insistant on moving in with you that it must be temporary .. at this time because the two of you do not have a smooth relationship, and you still have your young life before you .. A vital 55 year old should not do this to her daughter unless it is temporal.. I suggest as soon as she is on her feet, either turn the apt over to her - and go elsewhere - or find her her own place..
Angel1111 Posted June 9, 2010 Posted June 9, 2010 Tell her that if she is insistant on moving in with you that it must be temporary... Hate to say it but this is a really bad idea. Once her mother gets in her home, she'll never get her out. I can just tell by her mother's sense of entitlement. Her mother can figure it out - she's an adult and capable of making it on her own. Her mother needs to grow up.
turnera Posted June 9, 2010 Posted June 9, 2010 If you have to move her in, change the rent into her name. That way, when you are ready to move out and leave her there, it will be HER credit ruined if she doesn't continue to pay.
califnan Posted June 9, 2010 Posted June 9, 2010 Hate to say it but this is a really bad idea. Once her mother gets in her home, she'll never get her out. I can just tell by her mother's sense of entitlement. Her mother can figure it out - she's an adult and capable of making it on her own. Her mother needs to grow up. -------------------- You must read the rest of my post Angel. We took my brother-in-law in - But he and his friends became such a handful and with me (and with my twin babies) .. That as soon as he was able - we got him to put a payment on an apartment .. I took great joy in going to the market and filling his cupboards with groceries as a housewarming .. ha Also I recommended that she could get her mother established .. and that she would leave her mother with the apt, and then get her own living accomodations once again ..
califnan Posted June 9, 2010 Posted June 9, 2010 If you have to move her in, change the rent into her name. That way, when you are ready to move out and leave her there, it will be HER credit ruined if she doesn't continue to pay. ------------------------- Brilliant!
Els Posted June 9, 2010 Posted June 9, 2010 Uh, why not just tell her you will put down the payment for a week at a budget motel for her? I would totally do that for a parent, regardless of anything they had/have ever done.
califnan Posted June 9, 2010 Posted June 9, 2010 Uh, why not just tell her you will put down the payment for a week at a budget motel for her? I would totally do that for a parent, regardless of anything they had/have ever done. ------------------------- Not.
Author rina_r Posted June 9, 2010 Author Posted June 9, 2010 (edited) Uh, why not just tell her you will put down the payment for a week at a budget motel for her? I would totally do that for a parent, regardless of anything they had/have ever done. She does not want to pay a dime for anything, and I am NOT going to pay for her. It is enough that i paid for her phone for years and intl calls, did her tax returns, immigration papers, etc and never got thank you. And there is no way I am leaving my apartment. In case she doesn't want to move out, it would be easier for me to make her life living hell my quarreling all the time. And...she said if she couldn't fond a job for a long time, she would go back to her motherland. That i can believe: she thinks sh*t is made of gold over there. Edited June 9, 2010 by rina_r spelling
carhill Posted June 9, 2010 Posted June 9, 2010 LOL, get a male 'roommate'. That oughta fry her noodle Not really, but like in the movies, pretend.... BTW, you an only or are there siblings?
Author rina_r Posted June 9, 2010 Author Posted June 9, 2010 I am the only one, child of convenience in addition to all. And i do have a boyfriend, but is one from "high society", extremely polite etc. so we cant be behaving like teenagers.
Els Posted June 9, 2010 Posted June 9, 2010 Well, if you want to put yourself through the rigors of living with someone you can't stand instead of considering other alternatives, I suppose it's your call.
califnan Posted June 9, 2010 Posted June 9, 2010 She does not want to pay a dime for anything, and I am NOT going to pay for her. It is enough that i paid for her phone for years and intl calls, did her tax returns, immigration papers, etc and never got thank you. And there is no way I am leaving my apartment. In case she doesn't want to move out, it would be easier for me to make her life living hell my quarreling all the time. And...she said if she couldn't fond a job for a long time, she would go back to her motherland. That i can believe: she thinks sh*t is made of gold over there. --------------------- I understand.. So what do you wish to do Rina .. do you want to tell her that at this time of your life - it would be impossible.. Because it would be a gamble if you could find a job for her that would stick - so that you could relocate her to another apt. OK .. How about this .. If she is determined to join you .. Do shopping for someone who is looking for a roomate - Could be another woman her age in an apt situation or in a home room rental situation .. Then present to your mother, that this is the availability.. Then tell your mother that she would have to have a local job .. Or perhaps a job in a home that would allow free room and board and salary while being a caretaker .. Or tell her she is going to hold off for 7 - 10 more years until she can collect SS (another reason for her to find employment, now) .. Because she must have an income to live in the above suggestions..
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