Author TinaniT Posted June 8, 2010 Author Posted June 8, 2010 Oh my god! Oh my god! He had been putting off filing because he wanted his wife to go to a lawyer first so she felt comfortable, but he did and she got them and that finally got her to! Her lawyer is accepting his lawyer's proof of assets that he had done a couple months ago, and with the offer, apparently recommended she signed right away! She called and asked if he was sure and said she would sign if he is! She is agreeing to (every!) weekend custody for him and she keeps them during the week, alternating holiday weeks, and he gets two and a half straight weeks in the summer to take them on vacation. It is EXACTLY what he wanted and was hoping the generous offer would do (in addition to him believing she was owed it) He thinks that his wife is not the kind of woman to behave inappropriately in front of the children, because she has no hard bone in her body, and that it is not something to worry about. I am still going to push everything out... but if it's happening this fast (He had me prepared for it to take much, much longer between the assets and her not wanting to, and the other complication) - it shouldn't be an issue at all to push it out and wait. Hell, if we can't wait another 6 months to be "open" what would it say. He still wants to tell his wife because he hates having lied to her and be together and in the open sooner, but he always respects my decisions and I think the counsellor will support them, too, and he'll be more okay with it and know it's not because of any doubt in my mind. Whew. I'm breathless right now.
bentnotbroken Posted June 8, 2010 Posted June 8, 2010 You know absolutely squat about their life. Only the drivel he spews. But it is only someone else's life right? Why ask her about her side?
Author TinaniT Posted June 8, 2010 Author Posted June 8, 2010 You know absolutely squat about their life. Only the drivel he spews. But it is only someone else's life right? Why ask her about her side? Thank you for taking the time to read and respond. In any relationship, you don't know whether somebody is being honest or dishonest with you. It comes down to whether you trust them or not, and whether you choose to believe them. In this case, I do. If I were dating a single man, and he told me that he grew up in a certain environment, I would believe him and not go confirm with his family... In much the same way, I feel comfortable trusting a man who has been wonderful to me. Also, the divorce is because he doesn't love her, and regardless of anything else, that isn't just going to change. He assured me early on his wife and him had no chance long before he met me, and reassured me later when his wife asked for another chance to work it out and I told him he should give it to her.
Author TinaniT Posted June 8, 2010 Author Posted June 8, 2010 (edited) Also, I have one other problem with the assumption that any MM must be lieing about his marriage. In our situation, with me as the "MW" because I was, and cheating on my husband (while he insisted on an open marriage, he didn't intend for me to sleep with anyone he didn't tell me to) - I was completely honest with MM as the "OM". He never questioned me, and that was correct because I never lied to him, not once. So why would I assume he is lying to me? Obviously all WS (wow look at me getting the lingo) are lying about their relationships. And if I didn't trust him, I certainly don't love him... and this is all a moot point. Edited June 8, 2010 by TinaniT
RedDevil66 Posted June 8, 2010 Posted June 8, 2010 You're a young naive woman, he a confused old man. You've know this liar for 5 months and you believe what comes out of the mouth of an obsessed cheater. All I can say is you're in for the SHOCKER of your life in the next 6 months. His wife signed that fast, I can tell you this, she probably can't wait to get away from this idiot fast enough. He's all yours now. Enjoy! And what Fooled said was bang on. Listen to the voices of wisdom and experience.
Author TinaniT Posted June 8, 2010 Author Posted June 8, 2010 Time to go! He decided to take a couple days off work to celebrate, and we rented a cabin on the lake, and my best friend is coming up with her husband and kids so we can trade babysitting services. (thank God for flexible jobs!) At the risk of too much information, we've not had sex in a couple weeks (no babysitter, and a lot going on with trying to work our stuff out and some family stuff, etc- so it's mainly just been hanging out playing with my son) -- hopefully that can be rectified. :D So if anyone has any advice or whatever to give, I'll be gone for the next few days and will have to get back to you later! Thanks again for the help, both given and attempted. I know it all comes from a good intentioned place.
HappyAtLast Posted June 8, 2010 Posted June 8, 2010 However, I must say that it sounds to me like you are simply moving from man to man and will remain what is essentially the "same" relationship.... one in which you can neither take care of yourself of your child. Hence, yet another relationship in which you do not have equal footing or voice. Just something to think about. Enjoy your vacation.
greengoddess Posted June 8, 2010 Posted June 8, 2010 LOL same stories over and over. He married her but did not love her she was pregnant. and that's why he was married over 20 years and has a 6 year old?? She neglects the kids. Poop and weeks worth of dirt all over the house. Ummm yep ok but no biggie off he runs out the door for the week leaving his children in that mess with no worries... She signed an agreement that quick:laugh::laugh: Anyone buying this?
fooled once Posted June 9, 2010 Posted June 9, 2010 I am not sure if I should respond, as you have already decided who and what and why I am without much basis, but I will try. Because he doesn't feel in love with her. I mentioned that as some problems, as is the fact that the kids tell him that she ignores them to spend time on her computer and watching television. Biggest problem is no love (he never thought he was in love with her, though she got pregnant and they got married. He does believe he owes her a lot as she has been a good woman and a good wife.) Yet he never contemplated leaving her before and they have 4 kids and he must have forced her to have sex -- at least 4 times. I UNDERSTAND falling out of love and no, I don't believe he married her and didn't love her. Sorry - any man that says that - in my view - is a piece of crap. He shared years with her, all the while pretending he didn't love her. He planned a future with her -- all the while pretending he didn't love her. Baloney. But if you need to believe that...that's not my issue. He has tried to hire a live in house keeper several times to help his wife, and also tried to hire a cleaning service to come every other day to help. His wife refused. (As I mentioned, I believe.) He does say that he is pretty sure she did so to bother him, because she knew it would, and probably to get back for him not being the husband he should have been over the years, which he admits he wasn't, but has analyzed what he did wrong (plenty, according to him, probably more than her) He does clean on the weekend to help when not out with the kids. I did not say he expects immaculate, merely tidy. He came home one weekend to find an entire counter filled with the whole week of dishes from when he last did them, dog poop on the living room floor, and her sitting on her computer. He believes it is because she is clinically depressed, and has been, but she has refused to seek help even when he tried taking her. Again, he has to say something bad about her to make you feel good about 'taking care of him' and being a part of the affair. Funny, he complains about her being on the computer, but it is okay that he travels all the time and cheats on her. But she is bad for being on the computer? Maybe her depression is because of how he treats her? Maybe she is depressed because he is never home? Maybe she is depressed because she knows he is cheating on her? I mentioned that because I know she has self esteem issues and is sensitive about her age, weight and looks. Perhaps at that point it doesn't matter, but I supposed it might have an even further impact. Though, looks of course mean something in any relationship - being physically attracted to someone - and showing RESPECT to your partner by making an effort for that person. How exactly do you know about her self esteem issues? Because HE told you so? How about asking HER about HER issues? And believe it or not, many of us in our 40's aren't depressed about our age or do we have self esteem issues because of our age. Many of us in our 40's would never want to be in our 20's again. When you get to your 40's, you will understand what I am talking about. Age isn't everything. So you want her to show RESPECT for her H by making an effort to look good? how do you know if she doesn't have a thyroid issue? how do you know what she has or hasn't done in regards to her weight? Maybe she does dress up nice for him? Maybe she does try ... you don't KNOW what she does or doesn't do. And that is really hysterical that you talk about her respecting him by looking nice when he is screwing someone else LOL. I mean really - what do you call him having a mistress? Do you call that respectful? Relationships aren't all about looking good. There are way more important things that looking good - it is about how you TREAT each other. I really believe as you grow up and mature, you will come to realize that looks may attract a person, but they don't bond a person to you. Once day, that guy you are sleeping with will lose his hair, get more wrinkles, may even develop a pouch belly -- and with your mentality right now, I guess that means the relationship is over because he isn't respecting you by looking good. A couple things here. I was a sahm at the request of my husband. I did keep an immaculate house, handled all bills, did everything for my husband (breakfasts, pack lunch, make dinner, anything that needed mailed, communicated with his family so they'd know he was okay), etc. I did this while he restricted my access to the money and he wouldn't allow me to have a car like he did even though he makes 150,000 a year and I'm in an inconvenient area with a toddler. I mentioned my husband was abusive. He regularly called me stupid, a cow (I am a size 2), selfish, cuss at me... If I didn't have dinner ready and warm when he got home, he would take away my phone the next day (and we have no house phone). I'd have to ask him at least 4 days in advance for permission for him to watch our son for a few hours for me to go out with friends. Forgive me if I am not incredibly concerned with with what he thinks of I am a sahm because my earning potential is hardly (only $150/mo) greater than the childcare costs for a not yet potty trained child, and because I think it is very, very beneficial to a child to have their mother rather than strangers caring for them. My husband agreed to this in the separation when his lawyer let him know he'd have to pay most of the childcare expenses were I to go to work and it would increase his support payment. He'd rather not. mm did give me living expenses in case my husband makes good on his promise to leave the country. If he does not, the money is going into a college account for my daughter. (And I doubt the lawyers will be concerned about this very small percentage when he is offering far more than what the courts would give her) Sorry, but I think it is wrong of you to take money from HER family for you and your kid. That is just plain wrong. If he isn't ashamed of doing it, he should tell her that he gave you money because you can't afford to raise your child on your own. There are many women in this world who have had dead beat ex husbands but they didn't go find a married guy to have an affair with and take money from them. They did what they had to do to raise their child on their own. As a matter of fact, I am one of them My ex rarely paid his support on time and I was left dealing with robbing peter to pay paul (not sure if you understand that phrase --- as I am older and it is an older phrase). I did the best I could. I worked full time and yep, had 'strangers' (your words) raising my son while I worked to keep a roof over our head. I didn't have a sugar daddy to pay my bills for me. As I mentioned, he has offered her almost 100% of the marital assets (97% actually) , and the child support payments and alimony double the standard amounts. He believes she is owed that and has no intention of changing that. But yes, he is a horrible man. That sounds exactly how a horrible man would approach it. I never called him a horrible man - but he has horrible actions. Cheating on your spouse is horrible, IMHO. It is abusive. That is entirely not what I said, or what I said I thought, so it is interesting that you believe I'm going to ignore the things saying that. I think it's a bad idea for us to move in together right now. But since you've shown such excellent reading comprehension in the rest of my post prior to attacking me, I suppose I should not be surprised. I never attacked you. I stated my views. I stated my opinion based on person experience and from being a member on here and reading story after story -- all with the same theme running through them. But it is fine. You know who I am and where I've been, and who he is; there is no need to let facts get in the way of your judgments. He is an awful man trying to pull one over on his innocent wife. We agree - he is an awful man because of how he has treated his innocent wife. UNLESS she knows of the affair and gave it her blessing? I am a money hungry whore who cannot see anything from the dollar signs, regardless of the fact he treats me wonderfully (and will not have as much money after the divorce especially with as generous as he is being), more so than anybody ever has, and that we love each other and have a solid respectful relationship.) The truth is, afterall, often wholly inconvenient. Never called you a money hungry whore - those are your words, NOT mine. Don't put words in my mouth. Also, I have one other problem with the assumption that any MM must be lieing about his marriage. In our situation, with me as the "MW" because I was, and cheating on my husband (while he insisted on an open marriage, he didn't intend for me to sleep with anyone he didn't tell me to) - I was completely honest with MM as the "OM". He never questioned me, and that was correct because I never lied to him, not once. So why would I assume he is lying to me? Obviously all WS (wow look at me getting the lingo) are lying about their relationships. And if I didn't trust him, I certainly don't love him... and this is all a moot point. Married men LIE. Once again - does his wife know he has a mistress? Does his wife know he has been giving you money? If not - then he is not respectful or truthful with her. But I keep forgetting, the MM only lies to the wife, not to the OW. Good luck -- you seem to be getting exactly what you want. Enjoy your time away and having sex.
RedDevil66 Posted June 9, 2010 Posted June 9, 2010 She'll be back in tears one of these days . She's young and truly naive
Author TinaniT Posted June 10, 2010 Author Posted June 10, 2010 Never called you a money hungry whore - those are your words, NOT mine. Don't put words in my mouth. . I was referring to your comment that I am intent on moving forward because I see money with him. It is love that makes me want to move forward. He is wonderful to me and to my son. I was reminded yet again this morning on how much having him in my life has improved my life. I have no doubts he is the love of my life. He helps and supports me in every regard, in a way I have never known. The longer I'm with him, the more things improve. We both made a mistake in getting involved before our marriages were legally over, even if we both perceived them as over and just wanted to wait out what we thought of as necessary, him because of obligation, me because of fear... but that mistake is made... and we are lucky we found each other in this. We certainly would not have in any other situation, with different circles and different ages. I regret hurt I have caused but I cannot regret the most positive thing in my life (other than my son, of course.).
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