Question re: moving forward

June 7, 2010

I met my MM at the end of January. We quickly fell for each other.

I am 26 and have been married 4 years, together 7. My husband is verbally abusive (to me, not my son!). There is a lot there; I am from an abusive home growing up, but let's keep it concise in that by the time I realize how inappropriate it was, I was pregnant with my now 2 year old son, with no degree and very little earning potential. (And a threat from my husband to leave the country to avoid support if I ever left him.) We were in an open marriage, at the insistence of my husband.

MM is 44. He has been married 21 years. His wife is a good woman, but he does not love her. They had their problems in which unhappiness brewed, of course, from her messiness and unwillingness to bring somebody in to help or to clean despite being a SAHM, to her large weight gain, to the lack of sex in the last of the 4 years of their marriage. (He did, after a while, stop trying and move into a different bedroom), but he believes it all comes down to that having not been there ever. He was faithful until he met me. (And not due to lack of offers; he is an incredible man: handsome, fit, energetic, passionate, strong, extremely well to do) He was planning on leaving her when the kids were older and had considered the marriage over for some time.

As I mentioned, MM and I fell for each other very quickly. He states that he has never loved anybody the way he loves me before and that it shows what he has been missing his whole life (not just the years they were having problems.) He initiated divorce with his wife. It is taking time, however, as she is fighting it despite him offering almost all marital property and over double the standard child support and alimony... and there are a lot of assets and some other complications to be considered.

He is very urgent on moving forward. In fact, he is somewhat obsessive in his love, depressed when we are not together. (I have worried that is the "affair fog" I read about on the forums and he is not seeing clearly, but he insists this is not the case.) I know he is in pain because currently, when he is with his kids, he is not with me, and when he is with me, he is not with his kids - despite my repeated insistence that his kids need to be coming first and I'm a big girl and okay on my own. I also know he is hurting because he hates being dishonest; it is contrary to how he sees himself as a person, and he wants to rectify that and be honest with the world and his stbxw. I also know his feeling that he's waited a long time for love. He wants to move in together right away and get married as soon as his divorce is final.

I have been holding him off. I feel it wouldn't be appropriate to move in untl I have the general concerns:

1. I do not want to hurt his wife any more than possible. I got involved in this situation that will hurt, and I cannot change that. However, I think finding out about the affair will mainly hurt her. She already struggles with self esteem issues, and I imagine if it is perceived as him leaving her for a younger, thinner, prettier woman would sting (though he is only changing the timeframe, not the end result, that's not how it would appear) She might suspect already, however, as he has been insistent I am his relationship and I always come first, to support me in whatever I need, which means any time call, any time coming if I ask, etc. which I'm sure shows at home though I try not to use it often he won't even tell me if something else is going on because he doesn't want me to alter my behavior to suit anything else because I mean more to him than that (his words).

2. His kids! We have plenty of obstacles already to them liking me... which I feel is important to us being together forever. The age difference, the fact I live several hours from them (as would their dad afterwards)... if its perceived as I caused their parents to split... well, that would be horrible. And no kid should have to consider that anyhow. He believes his kids would understand because they know that he's been living seperately (same house) from their mom for a couple years already and that they will love me because he loves me. I think this is overly optimistic. I don't have the kid issue with my son, because my son is young ,and my son loves him (as he loves my son.)

So those of you who have moved on with a MM and continued life together, how did you proceed? What were the consequences? What would you do the same; what would you do differently? How do you minimize the hurt your actions caused? How do you lay the groundwork for a happy and healthy forever?

Thank you.

-Tina

Edited June 7, 2010 by TinaniT

June 7, 2010

I wanted to add... Yes, I am aware that if I was avoiding the pain of his wife and etc completely, it would be best to leave him. However, I am unwilling to take this step. I love him absolutely, feel my first order of duty and not to cause pain is towards him, and am not willing to consider that option. I do deserve blame for getting into this situation, but from where I am now, that is not an acceptable or reasonable option for me. I do feel horrible it happened like this and not after he had actually divorced, but think that him and I are meant to be together, which is not something I say easily or have said before. I didn't used to believe in love. This is fast, and I have tried to vet it with skeptimism, but there is no doubt that we are meant for each other. There is no excuse for where I am, and what I have done, though we have requested God's forgiveness for our acts, but I appreciate suggestions for moving forward from this place.

-Tina

June 7, 2010

TinaniT said:
And a threat from my husband to leave the country to avoid support if I ever left him.

Well let's give this loser a Father of the Year award, shall we? Can you imagine this idiot completely abanonding everything he knows, everyone he loves, a career he's been building - and all to flee to Argentina to live in a hut, just to avoid paying child support? What an imbecile and quite unlikely to happen.

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MM is 44. He has been married 21 years.

And you're 26. Can we say "midlife crisis?" Yes, we can.

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His wife is a good woman, but he does not love her. They had their problems in which unhappiness brewed, of course, from her messiness and unwillingness to bring somebody in to help or to clean despite being a SAHM, to her large weight gain, to the lack of sex in the last of the 4 years of their marriage.

And he's been a model husband? I'd love to hear HER side of the story because I can guarantee you, it's probably a bit different than his.

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He was faithful until he met me.

LOL...all cheating married guys say that.

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He initiated divorce with his wife. It is taking time, however, as she is fighting it despite him offering almost all marital property and over double the standard child support and alimony... and there are a lot of assets and some other complications to be considered.

Not sure where you live, but if you're in the US, it's kind of hard to "fight" a divorce nowadays. You can prolong it with stupid details, but you really can't "fight" it anymore.

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He is very urgent on moving forward. In fact, he is somewhat obsessive in his love, depressed when we are not together.

Be very careful - you almost sound like your role to him is "exit affair." People often have an affair to give them the incentive to make the "exit" from their marriage that that've been wanting to make. It's very possible that once he's out, he's going to see things a lot differently.

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He wants to move in together right away and get married as soon as his divorce is final.

Huge, collassal mistake. Don't do it. You are 100% correct about it being totally inappropriate, for starters. But it's usually the kiss of death when a newly divorced man DOESN'T take the time to readjust to life after divorce, spend the proper time mourning the end of his marriage, and get RIGHT with himself emotionally, once more. He's pushing for an immediate living together/marriage situation because he doesn't want to go through the necessary steps that one must go through after a divorce. Don't allow it - or you'll be sorry.

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However, I think finding out about the affair will mainly hurt her. She already struggles with self esteem issues, and I imagine if it is perceived as him leaving her for a younger, thinner, prettier woman would sting..

But that's exactly what he IS doing. He's leaving his wife for a woman 20 years younger than himself. This guy is page #4 of the Midlife Crisis Handbook.

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His kids! We have plenty of obstacles already to them liking me... which I feel is important to us being together forever. The age difference, the fact I live several hours from them (as would their dad afterwards)...

So he plans on basically deserting his kids to move hours away to your neck of the woods? I guess we need to give HIM a Father of the Year award right along with your ready-to-flee-the-country husband.

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He believes his kids would understand because they know that he's been living seperately (same house) from their mom for a couple years already and that they will love me because he loves me.

LOL. He's sleeping in a separate bedroom (supposedly - unless you live there you really DON'T know if he is or not). Let's assume he is. Even so, he's not "living separately" from his family, he's merely sleeping in a different bed at night, and for all you know, they've told the kids that his snoring keeps mom awake so he has to sleep down the hall. Big deal. It's hardly a "separation" situation these kids are seeing.

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How do you minimize the hurt your actions caused? How do you lay the groundwork for a happy and healthy forever?

That's a tough task for anyone. I think you're putting the cart before the horse. Let's see if MM actually divorces and moves out your way, first.

June 7, 2010

Hi Tina, welcome to LS.

I wish I could tell you that the road ahead is going to easy for you but it's going to be really hard. I wish I could tell you that it won't be that hard, but chances are it probably will. It's good that you are concerned about the other parties involved and you want to minimize the hurt, but the truth is, most of the damage is already done, regardless if they are aware of it or not.

One thing greatly concerns me about your post and that is where you mentioned that he is urgent about moving on and is "obsessive about his love." I would caution you to think very, very carefully about allowing him to move into your space or you and he sharing space so soon. You need time to get to know this man under more real life circumstances and he needs time to heal and put the past behind him and deal with it as honorably as possible. If he truly loves you and he and you want a good stable relationship, you both need to slow things down. He also needs to make his kids his priority and lessen the damage done to them as much as possible. You also need to be aware that it's possible that even though he clearly has stated he is going to leave the marriage, he might or he might not, when all is said and done.......and it's possible that he may leave and then do some flip flopping back and forth.

I'm sorry that I'm not painting a picture that is full of roses and wine but the reality ahead of you is going to be really hard and you need to be prepared for almost anything.

Keep posting and again, welcome to LS.

June 7, 2010

Woman In Blue said:
That's a tough task for anyone. I think you're putting the cart before the horse. Let's see if MM actually divorces and moves out your way, first.

He has filed the paperwork. He was trying to avoid that until she said she accepted getting the divorce but he has decided not to wait any longer.

As for the moving, he works in my area currently, and stays in hotels during the week and is just home on the weekends. That is why the moving to this area and not trying to find another one closer. His wife told him to take the job that requires this because she is happier when he is not home. I am sure she is quite unhappy in the marriage, too. These events as they went don't happen in a vacuum.

Thank you for your input, very much.

June 7, 2010

BB07 said:
Hi Tina, welcome to LS.

I wish I could tell you that the road ahead is going to easy for you but it's going to be really hard. I wish I could tell you that it won't be that hard, but chances are it probably will. It's good that you are concerned about the other parties involved and you want to minimize the hurt, but the truth is, most of the damage is already done, regardless if they are aware of it or not.

One thing greatly concerns me about your post and that is where you mentioned that he is urgent about moving on and is "obsessive about his love." I would caution you to think very, very carefully about allowing him to move into your space or you and he sharing space so soon. You need time to get to know this man under more real life circumstances and he needs time to heal and put the past behind him and deal with it as honorably as possible. If he truly loves you and he and you want a good stable relationship, you both need to slow things down. He also needs to make his kids his priority and lessen the damage done to them as much as possible. You also need to be aware that it's possible that even though he clearly has stated he is going to leave the marriage, he might or he might not, when all is said and done.......and it's possible that he may leave and then do some flip flopping back and forth.

I'm sorry that I'm not painting a picture that is full of roses and wine but the reality ahead of you is going to be really hard and you need to be prepared for almost anything.

Keep posting and again, welcome to LS.

Thank you. I've never posted in a forum before, and was afraid to post this situation. Your input means a lot.

June 7, 2010

I do feel sure he is moving forward. He's felt I am taking too long moving forward and worried I was stringing him along in the past, but he's not shown any indication of doing so himself. He has if anything expressed concern that I am not pushing him any more than I am, as he wants to be sure I'm not willing to accept the same kind of behavior my husband put me through all these years anymore (to the effect of he has paid for me to go to counselling and given me the money I need to live the next several years with my son until I get my degree upfront so that I never feel beholden to him for money even if my husband does take off as he threatened.)

I certainly understand and appreciate the idea of not counting my eggs before the hatch, however. Always a wise adage to avoid trouble.

June 7, 2010

Tina

You really need to look into this more.You may think everything is OK but men that cheat rarely leave their wifes.What do you think they would say to you that you have no future.Read mid life crisis on men you might be surprised.I assure you his wife suspects something and the whole family is hurt.I would be wondering what kind of man does this to his wife and children.You could be in her same shoes someday also.Read what goes on here their is a affair fog and if you jump in you may regret it.I suppose no matter what we say you are going to do continue this affair and i guess some people have to learn the hard way.All the action has not started yet and when it does it will hurt allot of people including your self so beware and Good luck on your new journey.

June 7, 2010

Thank you for your input Scatterd.

All variety is welcome, because I have not told anyone except 8 people about what is going on, friends of mine who I am aware have had affairs in the past (2 recent, 6 distant past). As all of them are currently married to their "OM/OW", I am sure it is a different picture they give than might be the more appropriate to expect or consider. Different insight.

Is there anyone else here who has gone through a similar situation and are on the other side, either for good or for bad, here?

June 7, 2010

TinaniT said:
I do feel sure he is moving forward. He's felt I am taking too long moving forward and worried I was stringing him along in the past, but he's not shown any indication of doing so himself. He has if anything expressed concern that I am not pushing him any more than I am, as he wants to be sure I'm not willing to accept the same kind of behavior my husband put me through all these years anymore (to the effect of he has paid for me to go to counselling and given me the money I need to live the next several years with my son until I get my degree upfront so that I never feel beholden to him for money even if my husband does take off as he threatened.)

I certainly understand and appreciate the idea of not counting my eggs before the hatch, however. Always a wise adage to avoid trouble.

Do take advantage of the counseling and the smart thing to do would be both of you to go. There is a big ****e storm ahead of you both. How old are his children?

I don't know about you, but for me.....a big indicator of what kind of man you are dealing with is how he treats his children, and don't just go on what he tells you either.

June 7, 2010

Just because he's filed doesn't mean he will actually do that. Hang around here and you will see that. AFAIK, there are only two OW's here that actually became wives.

Regardless, I've not read in your posts that you are initiating divorce yourself. Do you plan to stay married, and force this newly divorced MM into an open relationship? Do you think he's going to go for that? Or are you hedging your bets and not getting divorced until he does?

June 7, 2010

And what about your husband? You say you two have an open marriage, or did have one, do you now plan on divorcing your H?

Don't put your eggs in one basket. Your MM is a skilled liar and from what you've said about him, his marriage, the stuff about his wife, is textbook MM.

Do you actually have proof he's filed? That his wife is aware he does want out? It's very easy for him to tell you all this stuff, all the meanwhile his wife doesn't know. It is possible he's lied to you, about everything, including the impending D.

Also, is he going to move away from his own children? Be out of their daily lives? How is your H going to accept another man around his son? How is your son going to adjust to all this? I certainly hope (if all goes down as you expect it to) you don't introduce your MM to your son for a long time. Keep it separate until your son adjusts to your own divorce.

June 7, 2010

jthorne said:
Regardless, I've not read in your posts that you are initiating divorce yourself. Do you plan to stay married, and force this newly divorced MM into an open relationship? Do you think he's going to go for that? Or are you hedging your bets and not getting divorced until he does?

Yes, I have initiated divorce. I am currently living seperately from my husband with a friend, though not divorced yet. No, he certainly would not go for an open relationship; nor would I desire that. Regardless of the other situation, I know now that staying in an abusive relationship because I was afraid of how I would manage and take care of my son is not the best thing for my son in the long run.

June 7, 2010

whichwayisup said:
And what about your husband? You say you two have an open marriage, or did have one, do you now plan on divorcing your H?

Don't put your eggs in one basket. Your MM is a skilled liar and from what you've said about him, his marriage, the stuff about his wife, is textbook MM.

Do you actually have proof he's filed? That his wife is aware he does want out? It's very easy for him to tell you all this stuff, all the meanwhile his wife doesn't know. It is possible he's lied to you, about everything, including the impending D.

Also, is he going to move away from his own children? Be out of their daily lives? How is your H going to accept another man around his son? How is your son going to adjust to all this? I certainly hope (if all goes down as you expect it to) you don't introduce your MM to your son for a long time. Keep it separate until your son adjusts to your own divorce.

I thought I addressed this above. I'm sorry. He, due to work and the request of his wife, currently lives away from his family during the week. My son is two (or will be next month anyhow) and they have already met.

June 7, 2010

BB07 said:
Do take advantage of the counseling and the smart thing to do would be both of you to go. There is a big ****e storm ahead of you both. How old are his children?

I don't know about you, but for me.....a big indicator of what kind of man you are dealing with is how he treats his children, and don't just go on what he tells you either.

He is in counselling, as well. He has been for years. We have not gone together. Perhaps that is something worth considering. Thank you.

He has four children, ranging from 6 to 16. I have not met them. From his stories of what they are doing, etc, over the weekends he is a wonderful father. I know he is wonderful to my son.

I have not requested proof of anything. I am sure if I asked he would give it, however, as he has offered. I haven't, figured it makes a difference; in that, if he wants to be with his wife, in the end, nothing really makes a difference to that, this will not be something that lasts in any case. I do not believe it to be the case, but I know you cannot force a relationship. Do you think I should just for peace of mind.

Thanks again for the input. As I mentioned, my friends seem to have an unsual success rate and I definitely want to go in open-eyed.

June 7, 2010

TinaniT said:
Is there anyone else here who has gone through a similar situation and are on the other side, either for good or for bad, here?

I'm sure there will be others that will give you some input.

Here is a little of my back story. I met and fell in love with my stbdmm when he was separated, he went back to the marriage. We continued seeing each other for 1 1/2 years...I couldn't take it any longer and walked. Life went on, he stayed married for almost another 3 years, I got into another relationship, (big mistake as I didn't allow myself time to heal and my choice as to what kind of person I got involved with was ALL WRONG). stbdmm and I had very little contact during that time period, occasional emails, hi how are you stuff. No lines were crossed. My relationship was falling apart, his marriage was also, and no we didn't discuss it at that time.

He emailed me in early 2008, he had moved out, for reasons that had nothing to do with me, (for which I'm glad). I left the relationship that I was in later in the same year, (for my own sanity and safety). We immediately starting dating, he was 8 months out of it. In hindsight, I should have allowed myself some time to heal. You'd think everything would be marvelous right, because f i n a l l y we are free and clear, well not. lol His stbx has caused him all sorts of grief, she doesn't want to let go, can't agree on a financial settlement, ect. stbdmm and I are living 2 1/2 hours away from each other, he is working 2 jobs, family illness, ect.

My ex bf caused me all sorts of grief which included harassment, intimidation, threats, for over a year..... scary stuff, it was. It has been unbelievable stressful and hard and there aren't any children from his marriage involved and it was a short marriage too. His stbx does not know about our affair all those years ago, but she now knows that he is seeing me this go around (after the separation) and boy is she pissed, = grief for him and border-line bunny boiler behavior for both of us.

It's been one crazy ride. :)

June 7, 2010

Two things right off make me nervous.

His almost obsession over you and he GAVE you money to live for the next few years????

He sounds very controlling. He does not want you to move and advance in your life after leaving your husband. He wants to keep you home and dependent upon him with no source to better yourself and be able to live independently. Use that money to enroll in college or a trade school and get a job.

Also, he is not what he appears if he could give you that kind of money without his wife knowing. I think he is very sneaky. Please slow way down with him. get yourself healthy after being in an abusive situation and learn to support yourself without depending n a man.

Just from the little you said this man scares me. That's probably why his wife is happier hen he is not there.

A good father?? He is gone 5 days of the week and then his wife is there to help him on weekends. You know nothing of this guys parenting skills.

June 7, 2010

greengoddess said:
Two things right off make me nervous.

His almost obsession over you and he GAVE you money to live for the next few years????

To be clear, I am in college. He gave me enough money that I could continue school and get my degree and not have to enter the workforce without a degree or worry about feeding my son. He says he wants me to finish school and never have to feel dependent on anybody. He gave it at once so I knew there were no strings attached, and no expectations, even if I chose not to be with him.

June 7, 2010

So he is giving a large amount of marital assets to you and his wife doesn't notice?

Her lawyer will come after you for her half of that money. She will find out.

You don't think that he must be really sneaky to hide that kind of money from his wife and give it to you? That level of deceit to his wife of 20 years would have me running for the hills.

June 7, 2010

I really think you are getting yourself involved with the same type of man you just left only he has 20 more years experience manipulating people.

Something is really wrong here and I think you know it and that's why you are hesitant. Trust your gut!!!

June 7, 2010

greengoddess said:
I really think you are getting yourself involved with the same type of man you just left only he has 20 more years experience manipulating people.

Something is really wrong here and I think you know it and that's why you are hesitant. Trust your gut!!!

My husband is only 2 years younger than he is.

Thank you for your input. I do not believe that to be the case from him. (Naturally, or I'd be gone.)

(The amount he gave me as a percentage of his yearly income, let alone his net worth, is quite low. Not a percentage I'd question if my husband removed. However, he did sell a couple of his many cars for it.)

And he has not behaved in a way other than putting my needs first at all. However, I do understand avoiding future abusive relationships is statistically more difficult at this point and something I must be diligent about, so I appreciate your point.

Edited June 7, 2010 by TinaniT

June 7, 2010

I talked to him about the counselling, and he said he'd be more than happy to go to a couples/premarital counselling, and to discuss the issue re: when is appropriate to meet the kids with the children's therapist (he hired one for the divorce for questions and in case they need help dealing.) He still believes that we should get a move on, but says he absolutely doesn't want me to feel at all uncomfortable with the situation ever. And I feel like the psychologist might say the same thing as I did.... while I'm anxious to meet the kids he loves, not to their detriment...

We'll see how that goes. Thanks for the suggestion

June 8, 2010

TinaniT said:
I met my MM at the end of January. We quickly fell for each other.

I am 26 and have been married 4 years, together 7. My husband is verbally abusive (to me, not my son!). There is a lot there; I am from an abusive home growing up, but let's keep it concise in that by the time I realize how inappropriate it was, I was pregnant with my now 2 year old son, with no degree and very little earning potential. (And a threat from my husband to leave the country to avoid support if I ever left him.) We were in an open marriage, at the insistence of my husband.

MM is 44. He has been married 21 years. His wife is a good woman, but he does not love her. They had their problems in which unhappiness brewed, of course, from her messiness and unwillingness to bring somebody in to help or to clean despite being a SAHM, to her large weight gain, to the lack of sex in the last of the 4 years of their marriage. (He did, after a while, stop trying and move into a different bedroom), but he believes it all comes down to that having not been there ever. He was faithful until he met me. (And not due to lack of offers; he is an incredible man: handsome, fit, energetic, passionate, strong, extremely well to do) He was planning on leaving her when the kids were older and had considered the marriage over for some time.

As I mentioned, MM and I fell for each other very quickly. He states that he has never loved anybody the way he loves me before and that it shows what he has been missing his whole life (not just the years they were having problems.) He initiated divorce with his wife. It is taking time, however, as she is fighting it despite him offering almost all marital property and over double the standard child support and alimony... and there are a lot of assets and some other complications to be considered.

He is very urgent on moving forward. In fact, he is somewhat obsessive in his love, depressed when we are not together. (I have worried that is the "affair fog" I read about on the forums and he is not seeing clearly, but he insists this is not the case.) I know he is in pain because currently, when he is with his kids, he is not with me, and when he is with me, he is not with his kids - despite my repeated insistence that his kids need to be coming first and I'm a big girl and okay on my own. I also know he is hurting because he hates being dishonest; it is contrary to how he sees himself as a person, and he wants to rectify that and be honest with the world and his stbxw. I also know his feeling that he's waited a long time for love. He wants to move in together right away and get married as soon as his divorce is final.

I have been holding him off. I feel it wouldn't be appropriate to move in untl I have the general concerns:
1. I do not want to hurt his wife any more than possible. I got involved in this situation that will hurt, and I cannot change that. However, I think finding out about the affair will mainly hurt her. She already struggles with self esteem issues, and I imagine if it is perceived as him leaving her for a younger, thinner, prettier woman would sting (though he is only changing the timeframe, not the end result, that's not how it would appear) She might suspect already, however, as he has been insistent I am his relationship and I always come first, to support me in whatever I need, which means any time call, any time coming if I ask, etc. which I'm sure shows at home though I try not to use it often he won't even tell me if something else is going on because he doesn't want me to alter my behavior to suit anything else because I mean more to him than that (his words).
2. His kids! We have plenty of obstacles already to them liking me... which I feel is important to us being together forever. The age difference, the fact I live several hours from them (as would their dad afterwards)... if its perceived as I caused their parents to split... well, that would be horrible. And no kid should have to consider that anyhow. He believes his kids would understand because they know that he's been living seperately (same house) from their mom for a couple years already and that they will love me because he loves me. I think this is overly optimistic. I don't have the kid issue with my son, because my son is young ,and my son loves him (as he loves my son.)

So those of you who have moved on with a MM and continued life together, how did you proceed? What were the consequences? What would you do the same; what would you do differently? How do you minimize the hurt your actions caused? How do you lay the groundwork for a happy and healthy forever?

Thank you.
-Tina

I don't even know where to start.

You have known this guy not EVEN 5 months and you both are divorcing to be together?? And your son has met him? You don't think his kids will figure out you were screwing daddy behind mom's back? They will and they will NOT like you.

He is divorcing his wife because she has gained weight and doesn't keep a good house? And what has he done to help keep the house cleaned? She has how many kids? 4? And he expects an immaculate house? :laugh:

Isn't it nice how you threw out there that the wife isn't going to like her YOUNGER, THINNER, PRETTIER replacement ... wow. Obviously, looks mean a lot to you and the MM.

So he travels a LOT according to you - so when is he actually with his kids? You say he drops everything to be with you - and you are a couple hours away. So when is he parenting? How come you never hear the OW talk about what a crappy dad these guys are? How come he is always this fantastic guy? And in the not even 5 months you have known him, how do you know what kind of guy he is? You don't even KNOW HIM - so how can you proclaim to know the kind of father or HUSBAND he is?

Do you really think your H is going to be understanding when you move in some guy old enough to be your father into the home of his son? And what exactly are you doing to support your son, besides going to school? It is BOTH parents job to FINANCIALLY support their kids -- or have you go the cheating MM paying your portion of it? When will you be getting a job to support your son?

TinaniT said:
He has filed the paperwork. He was trying to avoid that until she said she accepted getting the divorce but he has decided not to wait any longer.

As for the moving, he works in my area currently, and stays in hotels during the week and is just home on the weekends. That is why the moving to this area and not trying to find another one closer. His wife told him to take the job that requires this because she is happier when he is not home. I am sure she is quite unhappy in the marriage, too. These events as they went don't happen in a vacuum.

Thank you for your input, very much.

I hope she takes him to the cleaners. I hope she gets alimony (and it sounds like she will since she is a SAHM) .. and I normally despise a man paying alimony. But in this case - she is being exposed to an STD (sorry, I don't believe the claim that they haven't had sex in a long time), he is lying, sneaking, cheating and being totally dishonest with her, he is putting HIS needs above his children, spending family money on his mistress, etc.

You have NO - ZERO - idea what goes on in their home besides what the guy who wants down your pants has told you. But I am sure he has done NOTHING to make the marriage unhappy. I am sure he has been this great guy to his wife.

I don't see this turning out good for anyone --- but as you said --- you are not going to change the course of actions or direction. You see $$$$ in your future from this guy. You see this big happy family since your cheating friends have had success. As a step mom, I can tell you, blending families is the hardest experience I have ever had - and there was no infidelity in my first marriage or my H's first marriage. We met way after divorces had been final (years!). You on the other hand, are dad's mistress and you think the kids are going to be cool with that. Not gonna happen.

You are all starry eyed right now and have no idea the sh*tstorm about to hit - especially after the wife finds out he has been cheating.

Moving in together right now is the 2nd biggest mistake you could make - after being involved with a married man. I know in your mind right now, you think that was a good idea, so I am sure you will probably discount all of us saying DON'T MOVE IN TOGETHER RIGHT NOW!

Sorry I can't be optomistic like your friends -- I see nothing but misery and unhappiness all over this situation.

June 8, 2010

greengoddess said:
Two things right off make me nervous.

His almost obsession over you and he GAVE you money to live for the next few years????

He sounds very controlling. He does not want you to move and advance in your life after leaving your husband. He wants to keep you home and dependent upon him with no source to better yourself and be able to live independently. Use that money to enroll in college or a trade school and get a job.

Also, he is not what he appears if he could give you that kind of money without his wife knowing. I think he is very sneaky. Please slow way down with him. get yourself healthy after being in an abusive situation and learn to support yourself without depending n a man.

Just from the little you said this man scares me. That's probably why his wife is happier hen he is not there.

A good father?? He is gone 5 days of the week and then his wife is there to help him on weekends. You know nothing of this guys parenting skills.

------------------

Smart woman.. Green Goddess.. Community funds = illegal ..

June 8, 2010

I am not sure if I should respond, as you have already decided who and what and why I am without much basis, but I will try.

fooled once said:
He is divorcing his wife because she has gained weight and doesn't keep a good house? And what has he done to help keep the house cleaned? She has how many kids? 4? And he expects an immaculate house?

Because he doesn't feel in love with her. I mentioned that as some problems, as is the fact that the kids tell him that she ignores them to spend time on her computer and watching television. Biggest problem is no love (he never thought he was in love with her, though she got pregnant and they got married. He does believe he owes her a lot as she has been a good woman and a good wife.)

He has tried to hire a live in house keeper several times to help his wife, and also tried to hire a cleaning service to come every other day to help. His wife refused. (As I mentioned, I believe.) He does say that he is pretty sure she did so to bother him, because she knew it would, and probably to get back for him not being the husband he should have been over the years, which he admits he wasn't, but has analyzed what he did wrong (plenty, according to him, probably more than her) He does clean on the weekend to help when not out with the kids. I did not say he expects immaculate, merely tidy. He came home one weekend to find an entire counter filled with the whole week of dishes from when he last did them, dog poop on the living room floor, and her sitting on her computer. He believes it is because she is clinically depressed, and has been, but she has refused to seek help even when he tried taking her.

fooled once said:
Isn't it nice how you threw out there that the wife isn't going to like her YOUNGER, THINNER, PRETTIER replacement ... wow. Obviously, looks mean a lot to you and the MM.

I mentioned that because I know she has self esteem issues and is sensitive about her age, weight and looks. Perhaps at that point it doesn't matter, but I supposed it might have an even further impact.

Though, looks of course mean something in any relationship - being physically attracted to someone - and showing RESPECT to your partner by making an effort for that person.

Quote
Do you really think your H is going to be understanding when you move in some guy old enough to be your father into the home of his son? And what exactly are you doing to support your son, besides going to school? It is BOTH parents job to FINANCIALLY support their kids -- or have you go the cheating MM paying your portion of it? When will you be getting a job to support your son?

A couple things here. I was a sahm at the request of my husband. I did keep an immaculate house, handled all bills, did everything for my husband (breakfasts, pack lunch, make dinner, anything that needed mailed, communicated with his family so they'd know he was okay), etc. I did this while he restricted my access to the money and he wouldn't allow me to have a car like he did even though he makes 150,000 a year and I'm in an inconvenient area with a toddler. I mentioned my husband was abusive. He regularly called me stupid, a cow (I am a size 2), selfish, cuss at me... If I didn't have dinner ready and warm when he got home, he would take away my phone the next day (and we have no house phone). I'd have to ask him at least 4 days in advance for permission for him to watch our son for a few hours for me to go out with friends. Forgive me if I am not incredibly concerned with with what he thinks of

I am a sahm because my earning potential is hardly (only $150/mo) greater than the childcare costs for a not yet potty trained child, and because I think it is very, very beneficial to a child to have their mother rather than strangers caring for them. My husband agreed to this in the separation when his lawyer let him know he'd have to pay most of the childcare expenses were I to go to work and it would increase his support payment. He'd rather not. mm did give me living expenses in case my husband makes good on his promise to leave the country. If he does not, the money is going into a college account for my daughter. (And I doubt the lawyers will be concerned about this very small percentage when he is offering far more than what the courts would give her)

fooled once said:
I hope she takes him to the cleaners. I hope she gets alimony (and it sounds like she will since she is a SAHM) .. and I normally despise a man paying alimony. .

As I mentioned, he has offered her almost 100% of the marital assets (97% actually) , and the child support payments and alimony double the standard amounts. He believes she is owed that and has no intention of changing that.

But yes, he is a horrible man. That sounds exactly how a horrible man would approach it.

fooled once said:

Moving in together right now is the 2nd biggest mistake you could make - after being involved with a married man. I know in your mind right now, you think that was a good idea, so I am sure you will probably discount all of us saying DON'T MOVE IN TOGETHER RIGHT NOW! .

That is entirely not what I said, or what I said I thought, so it is interesting that you believe I'm going to ignore the things saying that. I think it's a bad idea for us to move in together right now. But since you've shown such excellent reading comprehension in the rest of my post prior to attacking me, I suppose I should not be surprised.

But it is fine. You know who I am and where I've been, and who he is; there is no need to let facts get in the way of your judgments. He is an awful man trying to pull one over on his innocent wife. I am a money hungry whore who cannot see anything from the dollar signs, regardless of the fact he treats me wonderfully (and will not have as much money after the divorce especially with as generous as he is being), more so than anybody ever has, and that we love each other and have a solid respectful relationship.) The truth is, afterall, often wholly inconvenient.

Edited June 8, 2010 by TinaniT

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