seren Posted June 7, 2010 Posted June 7, 2010 Don't quite know how to title this, so will type first, title later. Me and H were in the mess Saturday (he is long term military), one of his colleagues is there, looking all despondent and so we talk. His wife has found out he has had an A, she has cancer and he is devastated, feels like a s***, doesn't now why it all started, doesn't want anything other than to turn back time and wish it all away. H spent hours talking with him, H is not known for talking personal stuff so this was out of character for him. He didn't share his A experiences with the guy, but seemed to make a difference. Anyway, on the way home and later we talked and H said he totally understood what the guy was saying. H went on to say that before the A, when we were not doing so good and he became a different man, he watched as I became a success in my profession, felt pride in my achievements, but didn't feel comfortable with our new social circle, felt stupid, felt not good enough. He said that when I was diagnosed with ovarian cancer he felt impotent , felt unable to do anything, that I was coping so well and that he felt that he had no role. He went on to say that the more he felt useless, the more distant he became, that he felt that I would be better off without him, that all my attempts to talk to him about our problems just pushed him deeper into himself. H had a tour in Iraq, he says that he was unable to prevent the death of his friend and that this added to him feeling less than. I remember when all this was happening that he kept saying he wasn't a good man, to which I would say that he was wonderful, that I loved him with all my heart and soul, but he felt detached. I blamed me, I said that if he felt that I couldn't give him what he needed, then I was sorry, that there would be someone who would accept his behaviour who would love him, but that I would always love him. He says that he knew I would make the split easy for him, he offered me all his pension, I refused, I said I would help him to sort whatever he needed sorting as long as he was happy. He says that this just made him feel an even bigger s*** and so his behaviour bordered on emotional abuse. I asked if he found peace with OW, he says that the longer he saw her, the more sordid he felt, he felt that she was all he deserved and that he abhorred sneaking around, said it made him feel unclean. He said that he got perverse pleasure telling her about my achievements and watching her try to show that she had passed a work exam, or that he said that I rarely cooked, because I was busy working and she made cakes for him. He said that he saw her trying to compete and told her that she didn't even come close. I asked why not end it, was it great sex, what was it? he says he could rarely achieve an erection as she repulsed him (I know not nice at all) and that he once threw money at her as she felt like a whore to him. I was shocked, sad, angry and just felt that all this heartache, all this pain for what? and then realised that I had contributed to him feeling less than, not intentionally, but nevertheless owned my part in it all. But why an A? because it was a self fulfilling prophecy, as in I feel less than, I feel like a s***, I will act like a s***, see what a s*** I am. But, what about OW says I? what about her he says, she could have been anyone. This statement made me feel angry with him for his cavalier treatment of another (OW) for his treatment of me and our son and for the little importance he placed on our M. A ding dong followed, and I came to realise that the A wasn't about me, our marriage, OW, just about H and the poor, sad man he was at that time. Even so, I am even more sad at this kind of A and the reasoning behind it. I posted because I share the A details with no one, other than yourselves. A vent perhaps, so thanks for the time and space.
Woman In Blue Posted June 7, 2010 Posted June 7, 2010 Wow...your husband's got a million excuses as to why the poor, deprived fellow wanted to fool around on the side. What will his excuse be next time? A change in his favorite TV station's Friday night lineup? Having to learn the newest software on his cell phone? Jeez, if his affair is your "reward" for being successful in your job and subsequently facing the horror of ovarian cancer, he can keep it. And lastly Seren, don't be too angry or upset for his treatment of the OW. She willingly walked into that situation with a married man - no one held a gun to her head and forced her to do it. She deserved everything she got in the end. You, however, did NOT.
Spark1111 Posted June 7, 2010 Posted June 7, 2010 I've had many of the same experiences, seren, in my fWS's affair. He grew angry and distant way before he crashed into her, unhappy in himself and detached from all, not just me. We had been through five years of hell; he broke his spine, became legally dependent on pain meds, was in and out of jobs, and I worked my azz off to keep a roof over our heads and assumed most of the responsibilities around here. We had turned a corner when he had successful surgery, became drug free, and landed a new prestigious position that required a lot of travel. I breathed a sigh of relief, put a bounce back in my step, and thanked heaven we were finally back on track. But we weren't. He still seemed depressed; his emotional abuse continued and now there was arrogance towards me and the children. We just chalked it up to job stress, but there was something we could not put our finger on. He had crashed into her and she saw him with new eyes; a gaze of admiration. She knew nothing of his past failures, and he could spin his overcoming of his problems to continue to feel like superman....with a stranger. He needed to wipe out a past where he had felt like a total failure, and I guess I and his children were a daily reminder of that. No matter what we said or did to encourage him, it did not matter. She provided a clean slate; thought he was oh-so-wonderful and when he was with her that is how she made him feel because that was how he acted with her. And he so desperately needed to feel that from someone who did not know his past. After DDay, he came to realization on his own, that they had both used each other. Playing the Knight In Shining Armor to this damsel in distress had cost him, time, lots of money, his marriage, many friendships and sadly, his self-respect. I could see a great romantic passionate affair for love, and I was ready to set him free for "true love." But it wasn't true love for him, although a necessary component of his affair dynamic was to profess all sorts of things to the OW to keep the "See, I am wonderful" illusion alive. And I had less respect for him when his affair was more about vengeful ego-validation than true love for his OW.
crazycatlady Posted June 7, 2010 Posted June 7, 2010 What a sad story, Seren. I don't think I ever knew your story. However, given what I know of military men, I can easily see this happening, and have seen this happen before as well. They don't handle helpless very well. You are a strong person to forgive from this, even stronger to realize that it had absolutely nothing to do with you. CCL
pureinheart Posted June 7, 2010 Posted June 7, 2010 Don't quite know how to title this, so will type first, title later. Me and H were in the mess Saturday (he is long term military), one of his colleagues is there, looking all despondent and so we talk. His wife has found out he has had an A, she has cancer and he is devastated, feels like a s***, doesn't now why it all started, doesn't want anything other than to turn back time and wish it all away. H spent hours talking with him, H is not known for talking personal stuff so this was out of character for him. He didn't share his A experiences with the guy, but seemed to make a difference. Anyway, on the way home and later we talked and H said he totally understood what the guy was saying. H went on to say that before the A, when we were not doing so good and he became a different man, he watched as I became a success in my profession, felt pride in my achievements, but didn't feel comfortable with our new social circle, felt stupid, felt not good enough. He said that when I was diagnosed with ovarian cancer he felt impotent , felt unable to do anything, that I was coping so well and that he felt that he had no role. He went on to say that the more he felt useless, the more distant he became, that he felt that I would be better off without him, that all my attempts to talk to him about our problems just pushed him deeper into himself. H had a tour in Iraq, he says that he was unable to prevent the death of his friend and that this added to him feeling less than. I remember when all this was happening that he kept saying he wasn't a good man, to which I would say that he was wonderful, that I loved him with all my heart and soul, but he felt detached. I blamed me, I said that if he felt that I couldn't give him what he needed, then I was sorry, that there would be someone who would accept his behaviour who would love him, but that I would always love him. He says that he knew I would make the split easy for him, he offered me all his pension, I refused, I said I would help him to sort whatever he needed sorting as long as he was happy. He says that this just made him feel an even bigger s*** and so his behaviour bordered on emotional abuse. I asked if he found peace with OW, he says that the longer he saw her, the more sordid he felt, he felt that she was all he deserved and that he abhorred sneaking around, said it made him feel unclean. He said that he got perverse pleasure telling her about my achievements and watching her try to show that she had passed a work exam, or that he said that I rarely cooked, because I was busy working and she made cakes for him. He said that he saw her trying to compete and told her that she didn't even come close. I asked why not end it, was it great sex, what was it? he says he could rarely achieve an erection as she repulsed him (I know not nice at all) and that he once threw money at her as she felt like a whore to him. I was shocked, sad, angry and just felt that all this heartache, all this pain for what? and then realised that I had contributed to him feeling less than, not intentionally, but nevertheless owned my part in it all. But why an A? because it was a self fulfilling prophecy, as in I feel less than, I feel like a s***, I will act like a s***, see what a s*** I am. But, what about OW says I? what about her he says, she could have been anyone. This statement made me feel angry with him for his cavalier treatment of another (OW) for his treatment of me and our son and for the little importance he placed on our M. A ding dong followed, and I came to realise that the A wasn't about me, our marriage, OW, just about H and the poor, sad man he was at that time. Even so, I am even more sad at this kind of A and the reasoning behind it. I posted because I share the A details with no one, other than yourselves. A vent perhaps, so thanks for the time and space. This is interesting Seren and reminds me of a sick in the head bf I had at one time. He played a lot of games, lied quite frequently, was trying to see another also at the same time etc. We broke up and he would call periodically and one of these times of severe remorse of how he treated me he told me he was cruel to see what it would feel like to be cruel. He had a gf prior to me, that treated him like crap and decided to do that to me. I am not saying your H is sick, although it did sound much like what I went through...underseved cruelty/mind games. I really hope he is better now:).
Recommended Posts