REAL Stomach Aching Issues With Fiancee

[LiveKhaos]

For some time now I've been extremely busy living a relationship from HELL. I'm 22 and I've been with my fiance (and her three kids) for about a year. I first met her while going out and after about 2 months of talking and dating our time got cut short because she was living with her mom and she couldn't under no circumstances live there anymore. (Mind you that this is my first relationship where I fell in love) She gave me a call, explained the situation and it was either finding a place to live with her and her three kids or letting her go to a homeless shelter.

 

I did what I believe any man who is in love would do and I told her we would find a place, even though we had agreed to move in together after a year into our relationship. I was alright with the kids and they really liked me since the first one was 5 years old, the second was 3 and the last was 1 years old.

 

At the time she didn't have any income and where I was working at barely paid me enough to support myself..but I fought through that and decided to help her and the kids out. We finally found a place and moved in that week. Everything was soooo stressful for me because I had to learn not only how to become a loving boyfriend but a father as well, overnight.

 

After some time (about a month or so) deep issues and harsh arguments started arising. Because of the tension and all the stress I was going through we both began to slowly loose respect for one another and eventually we began to yell and scream at each other saying harsh and un-loving things, cursing at each other, and throwing things.

 

We ended up breaking it off about 8 times. But everytime we got back together because neither of us had felt this strong about another person ever in our lives. We began to have deep problems again like no trust, no respect, the kids (a pain), and violence more verbally than anything. Although I've never hit her and never plan to, I have thrown and slammed many things because she provokes me to that point on purpose even though I've been working on my temper.

 

Now fast forward to present day. We've just made arranges to move into a new home and continue to live and work on our relationship. We've made improvements and have progressed, but there's still a lot of issues between us. She has a lot of resentment towards me becuase of the way I've acted and I have a toooon of resentment towards her as well because of the way we moved in together and the things that have happened.

 

I've tried soooo hard to make things work but even though I know she loves me things are still the same in so many aspects. She's so damn stubborn, always points the fingers at me, has too much pride, takes a really long time for her to forgive even if its the stupidest thing, knows how to push me way over the edge, and has a lot of issues herself.

 

I've tried to break up with her but I'm way too attached. I've never been in love and it hurts like hell. As long as she's reachable to me in terms of location I don't see myself being able to stay away. Now I'm in no way a doormat to her, but she probably knows this and does things on purpose to piss me off. I wish things would be different and we could live a happy life, but I just don't know. I can't just up and move either. This is just the icing of the things that have happened...nowhere near the REAL story...that would take too long.

 

I need help, I'm so emotionally drained

[norajane]

We've just made arranges to move into a new home and continue to live and work on our relationship. We've made improvements and have progressed, but there's still a lot of issues between us. She has a lot of resentment towards me becuase of the way I've acted and I have a toooon of resentment towards her as well because of the way we moved in together and the things that have happened.

 

And what exactly are you going to do to "work on your relationship" that you haven't already done? Why do you think anything will improve?

 

Sorry, but once the resentment builds up and you've already lost respect for each other, there's no recovering from that. You are both better off making lives for yourself, separately.

 

You're way too young to continue living this life of HELL, as you put it. Move on.

[LiveKhaos]

Thank you for replying! The kids are somewhat of a pain like most kids...but I've grown to love them as well...which makes it all the harder. I would like to move on but I don't know if I have the strength to do it. I'm emotionally drained and I feel like I'm trapped because I can't let go that easily.

 

I just had a conversation with her a couple of hours ago and she told me that she just had so much anger built up inside of her because of me, and that she's not excited about moving into the home. I know I'm young, but I've always been keen to the possibility of having a family. And now that I have it, it's all going to fall apart over night. The kids are extremely attached to me and they call me dad. Both of the younger ones don't know any other dad besides me.

 

I also gave her an ultimatum, "either you want to be with me, or you don't". I asked her to make a decision and she couldn't answer it, and still hasn't. I don't know what it means exactly.

 

This is very hard for me. I don't mean to sound like I'm moping or whining, but moving on just like that is easier said then done.

[D-Lish]

You're way too young to be in a situation like this.

Things will only get worse. You should never consider getting married with so much resentment surrounding your relationship. At 22 years old, you really want to embark on a relationship with a woman with 3 small children and no means to support herself? Your situation sounds like a nightmare...

[norajane]

I also gave her an ultimatum, "either you want to be with me, or you don't". I asked her to make a decision and she couldn't answer it, and still hasn't. I don't know what it means exactly.

 

It means "she don't".

 

And it means you should not be marrying her, or moving to a new place together. It means you should be moving on.

 

Yes, her kids will be sad, but better now than later. The longer you stay, the harder it will be on the kids when you eventually leave. And you will have to eventually leave, because she's only with you out of convenience and habit at this point, not because you two are good together.

[LiveKhaos]

It means "she don't".

 

And it means you should not be marrying her, or moving to a new place together. It means you should be moving on.

 

Yes, her kids will be sad, but better now than later. The longer you stay, the harder it will be on the kids when you eventually leave. And you will have to eventually leave, because she's only with you out of convenience and habit at this point, not because you two are good together.

 

 

Thank you...I knew she didn't. I've just been trying to avoid reality.

[whichwayisup]

Her kids are not your responsibility. Nor is she.

 

At age 22, the last thing you need is to be an instant father, to 3 kids that aren't you own.

 

The dynamic isn't good between you two and staying together for the reasons you listed aren't good enough. Sure, it's going to be painful to walk away, but can you imagine your life and how you'll feel in 2-5 years?

[BettyBoop]

I agree with the others - you're way too young for all this drama! She didn't answer you when you asked her - she is just there for the convenience of nowhere else to go and you're paying for everything.

 

I know it is hard once kids call you "daddy" but you have to remember that they're NOT yours. And staying with their mother is NOT what is best for them - that is a nasty situation to be brought up in.

[LiveKhaos]

Thank you all for your input. I'm very great full.

 

Last night we spoke once more and we both broke down. I doubt that she's with me for convenience since she's very independent and is dying to actually find another job, despite the lack of jobs in our area. It's hard for us to talk clearly when we're both upset because of our tempers, and she constantly asks me to give her some time to cool down, but I'm in patient and I demand answers at an instant.

 

I'm not easy to deal with, as she isn't as well. But we both love each other and we're willing to continue fighting for our relationship. She's had the opportunity to leave me more than enough times in the past and she's stuck around even though she's had the option to live with her father or cousin for some time until she gets back on her feet. But point being she hasn't.

 

I'm not saying everything's 100% perfect, but I'm not giving up that easily. Sure I'm young, but like I said I'm only interested in having a family. A lot of our problems happened after January of this year when she had a miscarriage with our possible son/daughter and we both didn't know who to point fingers at so we said it wasn't either of our faults, but my guess is she had a bit of resentment towards me because of that. At that time we weren't sure she was pregnant (until we later found out) and I ended up breaking up with her and causing a lot of stress as well as when I moved everything she was doing heavy lifting which the doctor believed was the root cause of the miscarriage.

 

Either way I'm going to see how this plays out. I'm young, but I started to live my life much younger then most people. When I was 14 I was doing what a 20 year old would've done. I've always been surrounded by individuals who where at least 5-9 years older then me and I ended up maturing at a much faster rate than the majority of young men at my age. This has all contributed to my current situation.

 

I also owe most of what I have to her support morally and emotionally when it came to the success of my business. If I hadn't had this obligation at hand, I would've never continued to strive in order to succeed.

 

I'm 22 and have my own successful business, although this is not to boast, I only say this to give you a glimpse into my life. Someone with my age and in my current situation would never put up with this, but the fact that I'm tired of being out clubbing meeting women over 30+ years and taking them home, being single without a plan, and living somewhat reckless plays a vital role into the current stage my life is in.

 

Thank you all for your help and comments!