theodora Posted June 6, 2010 Posted June 6, 2010 So I posted a while ago about my A with older MM. I've decided I'm going to get out. This makes me real scared and sad. I'm scared he will be angry and not let me go. I'm scared I won't have the strength to be on my own, even if he lets me. I'm scared that he'll say he agrees but then act as though it's nothing has changed, and in a moment of weakness or loneliness I will give in and sleep with him again, and it will all begin again. I'm really scared but I kno its the right thing to do. Advice given on here was all pointing in one direction. No one said, "hey that sounds great, your onto a winner!" And I knew they wouldn't cos I already kno I'm not! I kno this is all ****ty. I shouldn't be scared of my man, of upsetting him, of expressing my feelings. The other day he shouted and swore at me cos I was out. he'd told me he couldnt come round so i went out but then he changed his mind and decided he could and he was so mad. When he wants me, he demands i be there immediatley but I'm not ever allowed to be sad or needy because hes got stuff which just "comes first". He tells me i make my choice, but then he comes on really strong and i get so confused because when he wants me it feels like he needs me and loves me and it feels so good. i dont want to upset him, but this hurts too much to carry on. When he's kind, he's so kind. I dont mean to badmouth him. I do mean he's supportive. he is. I feel like he realy loves me. Its just i realised this week that its only if he's got nothing else to do! I'm a time filler. It hurts so much to realise even tho i kno people will say im an idiot for not knowing it straight away. i admit it! im an idiot I'm going to break it off. I'm scared. But I'm kinda excited too. Maybe after this something good will come into my life, with the room i'll make for it. I'd like a man who really loved me, and who wanted to be with just me. Now if I can just make myself believe that's possible............... Thanks to everyone who gave advice Lou
jthorne Posted June 6, 2010 Posted June 6, 2010 You can do anything you are truly determined to do. Tell him it's over, and not to contact you again. If he asks why, tell him to ask his wife. Then block all forms of contact- email, text, phone, etc. No contact is easy when you want more for yourself and know that you deserve more.
fooled once Posted June 7, 2010 Posted June 7, 2010 So I posted a while ago about my A with older MM. I've decided I'm going to get out. This makes me real scared and sad. I'm scared he will be angry and not let me go. I'm scared I won't have the strength to be on my own, even if he lets me. I'm scared that he'll say he agrees but then act as though it's nothing has changed, and in a moment of weakness or loneliness I will give in and sleep with him again, and it will all begin again. I'm really scared but I kno its the right thing to do. Advice given on here was all pointing in one direction. No one said, "hey that sounds great, your onto a winner!" And I knew they wouldn't cos I already kno I'm not! I kno this is all ****ty. I shouldn't be scared of my man, of upsetting him, of expressing my feelings. The other day he shouted and swore at me cos I was out. he'd told me he couldnt come round so i went out but then he changed his mind and decided he could and he was so mad. When he wants me, he demands i be there immediatley but I'm not ever allowed to be sad or needy because hes got stuff which just "comes first". He tells me i make my choice, but then he comes on really strong and i get so confused because when he wants me it feels like he needs me and loves me and it feels so good. i dont want to upset him, but this hurts too much to carry on. When he's kind, he's so kind. I dont mean to badmouth him. I do mean he's supportive. he is. I feel like he realy loves me. Its just i realised this week that its only if he's got nothing else to do! I'm a time filler. It hurts so much to realise even tho i kno people will say im an idiot for not knowing it straight away. i admit it! im an idiot I'm going to break it off. I'm scared. But I'm kinda excited too. Maybe after this something good will come into my life, with the room i'll make for it. I'd like a man who really loved me, and who wanted to be with just me. Now if I can just make myself believe that's possible............... Thanks to everyone who gave advice Lou Hon, what is this about him "letting you" end it? Hello - you OWN your life. YOU get to make the decisions for YOU. The very fact that you are scared of him..that isn't love. He doesn't own you, he doesn't control you, he doesn't get to dictate to you. I don't believe he loves you. If he loved you, he would respect you, cherish you and not think he owns you. I think you just want love so badly, you are willing to sacrifice yourself for it. Don't ever settle. You are only 24 - you have so much ahead of you. GO GRAB LIFE. Go --seize what you want. Don't ever settle for sharing someone; because you don't have to. You should be with a man who is proud to be with you, who wants to be with you and isn't scared to have you on his arm in public. He would shout to the world he loves you and ONLY you. Never settle for sharing your bed with a man who shares a bed with his wife; never settle for sharing a man who is already committed to someone else. Never settle to have your life dictated by when he can sneak away to see you, call you. Stand up for YOURSELF. Don't let anyone tell you what to do, etc. You are responsible for your own life. Grab it, own it and do great things with it!
Lauriebell82 Posted June 7, 2010 Posted June 7, 2010 Wow, this guy sounds like a real peach! I think you could do WAY better then him. He sounds controlling and he probably drives his wife nuts and pisses her off constantly, therefore she gives him a hard time..which is probably why he cheats on her!!! Be strong and lose this guy...you can do it, have faith in yourself!
whichwayisup Posted June 7, 2010 Posted June 7, 2010 Let me ask you, if this guy was single and he was treating you the way your MM is and has been treating you, would you be doing the same thing as you are now? Scared to end it, scared to speak up, scared that he'd get mad at you? These are questions you don't have answer here, but to yourself. You ARE in an abusive situation! This MM is a complete A-hole, has control issues and is emotionally abusive to you.
skywriter Posted June 7, 2010 Posted June 7, 2010 Hi theo', Truth be told, this older MM, probably thinks to himself, "she's young and should do better than a guy like me". He knows that you waiting on the side' for something that is never going to happen is wrong. So he acts insecure and possesive' in an effort to divert his guilt onto you. So, don't confuse that behavior with love, it's possesive guilt, at best. If he can act that way towards someone who is settling for less than is deserved. He might also be able to up and walk away without guilt, should his W discover him involved with another woman.
Woman In Blue Posted June 7, 2010 Posted June 7, 2010 The other day he shouted and swore at me cos I was out. he'd told me he couldnt come round ... Lou, how is your MM going to be able to "not let you go" when he can't even get out of the HOUSE when he wants to? Doesn't exactly give him much leverage. I don't believe you have to "fear" him coming to your house and keeping you a prisoner down in your basement until you change your mind about leaving him because his wife won't let him do overnights or weekends, so you're safe, there. Golly, he sounds like a real charmer, this one.
Author theodora Posted June 7, 2010 Author Posted June 7, 2010 Well......... I did it. I told him it's over. Wasn't as bad as I thought. In fact he probably is relieved. I'm not sure its guna be this easy. he says fine but i kno when he wants sex he'll ask for it. Just need to stay strong and remember what its like when he doesn't - he doesn't call!!! Now am just left with overwelming feeling of sadness and lonieliness... So. Thanks so much everyone for these amazing message. I really hope i can meet someone good and loving. Hope i can stay strong with this. worse thing is i'm going thru a break up and can't talk to anyone because no one knows we were together. cant tell my friends ive been lying to them. cant talk to him. cant talk to family. just have to be with it on my own. which is hard. but one day at a time i guess. i just feel so sad. he didn't even care that its over. just said it was fine whatever i wanted. i miss him already, and he doesnt miss me at all. how did i let this happen? grrrrrrrrrr. so mad at myself. i guess i learnt alot tho. like....no more married guys...........it just HURTS in the end!!!!!
skywriter Posted June 7, 2010 Posted June 7, 2010 Hi theodora, I'm sorry to hear you are hurting. I think you may have done the best thing you could do for yourself though. I mean, really, what good could come from being with someone who belongs to someone else? I know how you feel, as I am going through the same thing. I just do the best I can each day to keep NC. I've backslid a time or two. I just get back on the NC and keep trying to maintain it. Sometimes are harder than others. For example, if something important occurs, who's the first person you want to share it with? Him. I just have to try and stop myself from contacting him by rationalising that he'd be calling his W, not me. I know it's true, and it hurts to realise the truth. It hurts more to repeat the cycle of being second to his W. You deserve to be loved completely, don't let yourself settle. Oh and about him not being upset by what you said. Men are good at compartmentalising(sp?) their emotions. The MM I was involved was amazing at it. In fact he ran like he was on fire, when I tried to have a serious discussion.
scatterd Posted June 8, 2010 Posted June 8, 2010 I am sorry you are hurting just think what he is doing to his wife Run and stay away he does not care who he hurts.If he trys to stop you call his wife Im sure that will keep him away.I am glad you see what it is for it could be worse.Find a man capable of loving only you.He had to love his wife he married her. Im sure he has said allot but he is rewriting history for an excuse for why he is cheating on his wife.to bad she does not know she could find the love she deserves her self.Keep strong its not fun on either side so move on and enjoy life.big hugs
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