WARNING: Don't be me.

[SilverLining]

Don't be me. I don't even want to be me. Well...me is great, I don't want to be the 'me' that my ex sees me as, the 'me' that I was when we were dating, and when we broke up.

 

I was struck by lightening. I met a guy that I fell passionately in love with, and although we had some great times and some amazing chemistry, he was unable to return the feelings or respect that I had for him. I dated this guy for 6 years, and he dumped me every year. WARNING: If your bf dumps you once every year, it's ok to look at the situation and walk away. I wish I had, it would have saved me a lot of heartache. I watched my friends get married and have children as years went by and he still didn't know if he wanted to marry me. WARNING: If your bf has no clue where the relationship is headed after you have put in years of time being together, it's ok to walk away.

 

I tried to figure out how to make him happy - I never could. I spent more time thinking about his needs than my own. I went from being a happy, optimistic person to someone who was incredibly moody and depressed, who lost all confidence and faith in herself. WARNING: If you are dating someone who makes you feel crappy about yourself, it's ok to walk away. But I was so in love with who he used to be, and who he was once in awhile during the good times, that I kept myself in the game.

 

I found out he was sending flirty emails to a coworker...I confronted him and he apologized, and then suddenly started talking about wanting a future with me. I was so overwhelmed and happy that this experience seemed to make him realize I was the one, that I was willing to forgive and forget. WARNING: if your bf is spending his time wooing another woman, it's ok to walk away. I really wish I had went with my gut on this one, because some months later he began to have an emotional affair with a coworker that he SAYS wasn't physical, but he hasn't established himself as exactly trustworthy, has he? He was sending her emails detailing how beautiful she was and how much he wanted to date her, going over to her house, and buying her things. WARNING: If your bf gets caught lying to you and betraying your trust...c'mon...do I REALLY need to spell it out?

 

Well, he flipped when he realized I knew the extent of the damage. He told everyone how he had messed up and how important I was. He sent flowers, cried, the works. I had never seen him so adamant about wanting me in his life. Finally, he convinced me to go to counseling. We had been together 5 years by this time. During the next 6 months, he seemed to change completely. He finally saw how much he had been hurting me over the years and stopped blaming me for everything that was wrong with us. He told me every day that he loved me and felt so happy to be with me. He proposed to me, spent 8 grand on the ring I fell in love with despite my telling him it wasn't necessary. It was a dream come true...until he dumped me a month later. WARNING: If the guy who proposed to you suddenly says that he never really wanted to marry you, for goodness sake, throw in the towel already!

 

But I didn't. I couldn't believe that he would break things off so suddenly like that. I gave him 2 weeks to consider it. When those 2 weeks were up, he still wasn't sure. Well, that's an answer, isn't it? But nope, I thought he really meant that he wasn't sure. WARNING: NOT SURE MEANS NO. It also means, I don't want to tell you no because then you might stop having sex with me. All in all, the breakup took a month. WARNING: When the guy you spent almost 6 years with can't even break up with you to your face or even give you an explanation, stop fighting it.

 

I was humiliated. I had to go back and tell everyone that the engagement was off. I was devastated. I tried to not speak to him, but he kept calling me. Eventually we settled into a pattern where we would go out once a week on an amazing date and have sex afterward. I thought we were getting back together. It seemed so obvious to me how good we were together, I couldn't understand why he would throw it away, his family couldn't understand, his friends couldn't understand. WARNING: Just because everything seemed ok, doesn't mean it is. When your bf wants to break up, it's done. Walk away. I didn't, and we didn't get back together. In fact, I found out that he was trying to date other girls while he was 'hanging out' with me. I was crushed.

 

Eventually I realized he was no good for me. I began to get over my heartbreak little by little, helped in part by a short relationship that really helped me to see how unhealthy my past relationship had been and how unhappy I was. Yet, I continued to hang out and sleep with my ex on a casual basis. I said that I didn't love him anymore, but I think deep down I still did; I just didn't like him as a person or respect him anymore. Still, I was beginning to revert back to my natural self and felt much happier than I had been in years. Until we went on a date that he said was the best date he had ever had, and he began to act as though he were considering getting back together. Suddenly I was confused and excited...and despite knowing he was oh so bad for me, still wanted in some ways to be together again. But my obsessing was unnecessary. He called to let me know that he had started seeing someone new, and that we couldn't hang out anymore. But that didn't stop him from texting me sexually explicit messages soon after, or calling me and asking me to come over to sleep with him. He had only dated this girl a grand total of 2 weeks and he was already screwing people over. I'm glad to say I refused to go over.

 

The last straw was shortly after. I found out that my ex had been dating a friend of his sister's for 4 months, while lying to me about their relationship, so I would continue to have sex with him. It was a shock. After all this time, he was still lying to me, still playing a game. I suddenly understood that continuing to see him, even in a casual sense, made me seem less than I am. I came off as desperate. I came off as needy. I wasn't appearing to be the strong, confident woman that I am.

 

We've never met, but let me tell you something about me. I'm beautiful, I'm passionate. I'm educated and I've got a great sense of humor. I'm all in sorts of ways completely amazing. I can name any number of wonderful gentlemen who would love to date me. But I didn't see any of this. All I saw was what my ex was reflecting back at me. WARNING: I went from gf, to fiancee, to the girl he slept with while dating other girls. I went from this amazing, special person to someone I didn't even recognize. I will never let anyone have so much control over me again. Falling in love is great, but not when you give someone control over your self-esteem. Nothing is worth that. I gave my ex 6 years while we were involved, and 2 when we were not. He can't have any more of me or my precious time.

 

My ex never saw me as the great person I am, and I would chance it to say that whoever is reading this is reading this because your sig other didn't see it in you either. I just wanted to say, whatever you are doing, STOP. Take a breath and look around. You can redefine yourself even in this painful time. You can be who you WANT to be, who you essentially ARE. You can look at the warning signs and recognize the situation for what it is, and walk away with your dignity intact. I wish I had done this the first year we were together. The signs were all there, but I refused to see them.

 

None of us knows what life will bring, but I can promise you this - I am taking this lesson to heart. I may fall in love again someday, I may get married and have children, or maybe get hurt once more. But I will never, ever forget to treat with love and respect the person who matters most - Me.

Edited June 6, 2010 by SilverLining

[bluebird25]

This is an amazing post, SilverLining.

 

I am going through my own healing process after ending a 2-year relationship with a man who could not see the great person that I am. The warning signs were there 6 months into our relationship, and they continued to pop up time and time again. I gave him chance after chance time and time again, and he would mess it up every time. I was the best thing that ever happened to him, and he would mess it up every time.

 

Over time, the relationship took its toll on me as well. I was so preoccupied trying to take care of my toxic relationship instead of taking care of myself. I thought that it was worth it, that he was worth it, that there must be some kind of self-sacrifice for this kind of deep, emotional connection that we shared. But no amount of connection is worth sacrificing your own self-respect, your own self-love.

 

Right now I'm trying to get back to the strong, beautiful, confident, independent woman that I had always strived to be before I met him, and during the first couple of months we were together. I lost that somewhere down the line, but I know it's attainable again.

 

Someone once told me, relationships come and go but the relationship you have with yourself will always stay.

 

Thank you for writing an inspiring post. In moments that I feel lost and lonely, I will remember this.

[jerrytodd]

Wow SilverLining, that is quite a post. I am so glad you are emerging out the other side. I feel for you as so many of us did who believed so much in the other person. It is so easy for me to suggest Borderline or Narcissistic Personality Disorders as the answer but it may or may not make you feel better.

 

I hope the support of the people here let you move through this as quickly as you deserve.

[vicssea]

Writing from your Heart and you are Awesome

 

ps your words ring all to familiar for me

[Disintegration]

This was an excellent post. I am glad you regained your sense and self worth back. I know how hard it is to break free from a dysfunctional relationship and you do lose a part of who you are and become someone you don't recognize. I know a lot of us can identify with your exact experiences. I know your words are encouraging and inspirational. At the time I know you couldn't imagine a life without your ex, but I know now you are aware you'll be better off without him. All the best.

[basujunera0610]

thanks dude .....

 

 

i don't gonna make the mistake you did .......

 

 

thanks for your warning .....................:bunny:

[worlybear]

Terrific post! Heart-felt and inspirational!

[jen_r]

I wish I were you, in the sense that you got to break away finally.

I hope i'm not in this mess for another 4 years....

[SilverLining]

Thank you for reading my post, and for your wonderful messages. It's so encouraging that my crappy experience might help someone somewhere.

 

I have decided to go NC for real this time...yeah it's a bit late in the game, but better late than never, right? I would encourage everyone to do this...not having contact prevents you from acting ridiculous and being less than what you are...and when you have a better handle on your emotions, it will be easier to deal with the ex.

 

Another thing I would like to suggest...get the book "It's Called A Breakup Because It's Broken" by Greg Behrendt and Amiira Ruotola-Behrendt. I was introduced to this by a roommate who was going through her own breakup, and it's been immensely helpful. Meaning that even in my darkest moments, when I thought I would die from sobbing, when the pain was so unbelievable and the humiliation was too deep, when I didn't want to get out of bed and when I couldn't face the world, I would open this book and read, and by the time I read a few chapters I was ready to get out of bed and kick a$$! It is, quite literally, what got me through my breakup and I have sent copies to other heartbroken friends who have used it as well. I currently have 2 copies on hand - one for me (I STILL read this book from time to time) and one for any friend to borrow. I can't recommend it highly enough. It's funny, inspiring, and a big help.