Lauriebell82 Posted June 6, 2010 Posted June 6, 2010 I could have put this in other sections but this is more of a marriage related question then anything else. First of all, I am not pregnant. I'm getting married in 3 months and I have been talking with my fiance about when we will start a family. A few years ago I was under the impression that he wanted to wait a long time. I wanted to wait also, however lately he has been saying that he wants it to happen soon. He wants to start trying on our 1st year anniversary (September 18th). That seems so soon to me, I don't know why. I'm scared or nervous or something. I can't explain it. I DO want to have children, I have told him this over and over. But when I admitted that I am scared HE said he is scared that it means I don't want to have kids. He explained that he doesn't want to start a family with me if I am not ready and he feels bad now because I seemed to have changed my mind. Can anyone help me out? Any mothers feel the same way when they got married? How long did you wait?
Change2 Posted June 6, 2010 Posted June 6, 2010 My husband and I got pg very quick two weeks after marriage. We were ready!! Becoming a mother and all that comes with it can be very scarey! Yes, i was ready to be pg but after i found out i got scared. Why are you scared? Are you ready to have kids when he is? Keep communicating with him like you are and explain to him why you are scared. It is normal to get that way!! I have been pg 3 times and been scared everytime!!!
Stung Posted June 6, 2010 Posted June 6, 2010 I could have put this in other sections but this is more of a marriage related question then anything else. First of all, I am not pregnant. I'm getting married in 3 months and I have been talking with my fiance about when we will start a family. A few years ago I was under the impression that he wanted to wait a long time. I wanted to wait also, however lately he has been saying that he wants it to happen soon. He wants to start trying on our 1st year anniversary (September 18th). That seems so soon to me, I don't know why. I'm scared or nervous or something. I can't explain it. I DO want to have children, I have told him this over and over. But when I admitted that I am scared HE said he is scared that it means I don't want to have kids. He explained that he doesn't want to start a family with me if I am not ready and he feels bad now because I seemed to have changed my mind. Can anyone help me out? Any mothers feel the same way when they got married? How long did you wait? Honestly, this sounds more like a mash-up of pre-wedding jitters and control issues than anything else. Wanting to wait at least 2-3 years to have a baby is perfectly reasonable especially at your ages (you're what, 26ish?) and I suspect if he wasn't a little frazzled by the upcoming wedding he wouldn't think twice about it. Having a baby is a wonderful thing if it's what you both want, but it is a hugely transitional period and it can put a lot of stress on a marriage. The first several months of infancy especially are HARD and unlike anything else you will ever experience. And, btw, the first year of a marriage is often said to be the hardest, as it is also a transitional period (in my experience, even if you have been living together already). I was never in your situation; my husband and I were living with kids from the first moment we met, his daughter from a previous girlfriend and my goddaughters who I was the primary caretaker for at that time, so we never got to live together just as a couple for any stretch of time more than a few days here and there. It accelerated the commitment of our relationship, that's for sure . And we were planning to start trying for a baby of our own when I turned 35, but we had an oopsie and Nature stepped in early; I'm 35 now and our son is 18 months. I love my son/kids/our life as a family so much I wouldn't actually change anything, but at times I have my wistful moments that we couldn't take a long romantic overseas honeymoon, or that we never got to feel our way through the landmines that every new marriage stumbles across without the added stressors of kids on top of it. And yeah, before I had my son I was tremendously nervous about the changes he would bring to all of us. It's natural. I think it's a little unfair of him to start switching the plans around and applying pressure to you at this late date, but try to keep in mind that this is likely his way of deflecting some of the pressure he himself is feeling, he might be trying to refocus some of his anxieties and regain some control. Not a great coping mechanism, but there it is. Try to talk to him when you are both feeling calm, using the standard "I" statements about how this is making you feel. Assuming you really do want children, explain to him that you just want a couple of years to enjoy being his wife before you make the huge change into being a mom, too. Compromise and put a more definite date than "sometime" without letting him bully you into "next year", he might be having a hard time reconciling himself to the nebulousness of your idea, especially if he is a numbers-and-facts guy. How does telling him you want to start trying for a baby when you turn 30 sound? If you can both agree to something like that, ask him to return his focus to the wedding. And make sure he has control over some aspect of his wedding if he doesn't already, the music or the cake or something, a project of his own that's not being hovered over by an anxious bride and mother-in-law-to-be already.
bananalaffytaffy Posted June 6, 2010 Posted June 6, 2010 I'd say you need to be married at least 6 months before even discussing when to start a family, especially if you two have not previously lived together. Get used to living with each other first before bringing a baby into the equation.
califnan Posted June 6, 2010 Posted June 6, 2010 . Having a baby is a wonderful thing if it's what you both want, but it is a hugely transitional period and it can put a lot of stress on a marriage. The first several months of infancy especially are HARD and unlike anything else you will ever experience. And, btw, the first year of a marriage is often said to be the hardest, as it is also a transitional period (in my experience, even if you have been living together already). QUOTE] ----------------------- I agree with the above.. I was on the pill when first married as we wanted to combine our salaries for a downpayment on a home, first.. After going off the pill, it took me about 3 yrs to conceive my twins.. So it could be that you wouldn't necessarily conceive right away - anyway? But it's true, having a baby can take a lot out of you - and a great transition.. take it as it comes, and in total agreement for both you and your husband.. The most wonderful miraculous thing that ever happened to me..
Els Posted June 6, 2010 Posted June 6, 2010 No, it's possible to conceive even a couple of weeks after going off the pill.
Fight4Me Posted June 6, 2010 Posted June 6, 2010 It sounds to me like he's afraid that you might be changing your mind altogether about having children, and in his attempt to alleviate this, is trying to get you to commit to a date. Is he the type that likes/needs to plan everything in advance? Also, it seems there is some miscommunication going on. He hears "I'm scared" and translates that to "I'm not sure I will go through with it." Then this stood out to me in your post... A few years ago I was under the impression that he wanted to wait a long time.A few years ago, plus another year, could mean "a long time" to him. The fact that you were under an impression also tells me that both of you had some vague assumptions that you set aside because it was a future thing and you knew it would get worked out down the road. So, it's only natural that you find yourself on the doorstep of the rest of your life and now suddenly it has become pressing. I think you just need to talk to him again with the intention of addressing his fear first. When women talk about their fears or concerns, it is often because it is how we work it out in our heads, but men tend to identify the problem, and then want to fix it. He may have identified a potential problem (she doesn't know if she wants to have a baby at all), and is trying to apply his solution (we'll agree to set a date to try). There may also be a sense of loss of control since women, after all, are the ones who carry the child and if she decides not to have a baby, then there's nothing a guy can do about it. Also, he could be receiving some advice on the side like, "Dude! If she isn't sure she wants to have a baby, you better figure this out now before you marry her!" The last part has some merit to it since there are cases of women who say they want children and then after the commitment is finalized, she changes her mind. I know of two cases myself, so it isn't that far fetched. So, with all that said, again, help alleviate this fear and reassure him that confiding in him about being scared is just your way of wrapping your mind around it, that you want to have his child(ren) and plan to follow through. Ask him if he'd be okay with next year's date be one where you both agree to seriously discuss when to start trying. By the way, I was scared all the way up to the day my first child was born, so it is normal. As soon as I held her in my arms, as cliche' as it sounds, it melted away. While, yes, it changes your life and is hard, having children with the one you love is the most amazing experience one can have in a lifetime. Trust me, this will be one of those things you'll reminisce about someday and probably laugh over who was more freaked out. LOL Congratulations, by the way!
norajane Posted June 6, 2010 Posted June 6, 2010 I DO want to have children, I have told him this over and over. But when I admitted that I am scared HE said he is scared that it means I don't want to have kids. He explained that he doesn't want to start a family with me if I am not ready and he feels bad now because I seemed to have changed my mind. :lmao::lmao: Sorry to laugh, because I know you're stressed over this, but the irony is just too much! I guess he doesn't like it when the shoe is on the other foot, huh? Remind him that all those times you asked him about marriage and he wouldn't give you an answer and wouldn't want to talk about when he would propose, that YOU felt bad because it seemed like he didn't want to marry you no matter how often he told you that he really, really did want to marry you...but...he just wouldn't say when or propose. So, it's HIS turn now to have faith in you and to believe you do want kids, but he needs to suck it up and help you through your fears until you are as ready to have kids as he is. One step at a time. That's how you get through the wedding, the marriage, and the kids.
seren Posted June 6, 2010 Posted June 6, 2010 I had a honeymoon baby so we didn't have very much time on our own to build up a home, get used to being with each other and enjoy discovering married life. We split up when my son was 4, I wonder how it would have been had we waited, built up our lives, home, got financially secure, had some laughs. But we didn't. Yet I wouldn't have changed my lovely son for anything, he is now 26 and still the joy of my life. I would try speaking with H again, perhaps saying that you want you and he time without having to consider a baby's needs too. It isn't selfish, very sensible if you ask me. I wonder if he has considered the upheaval a baby can cause (lovely upheaval, but so is marriage and the first few years of getting to know each other).
threebyfate Posted June 6, 2010 Posted June 6, 2010 Lb, if he's in such a hurry, have him read my pregnancy thread and then, he might change his mind since if you end up with bedrest, he'll have to do all the work!
Author Lauriebell82 Posted June 7, 2010 Author Posted June 7, 2010 Thanks for all the great advice guys!!! I'll try to respond to everyone's posts, I'm not a real great pro at the multi-quoting different posters! Norajane noted the EXACT thing I was thinking! I actually did tell him this was how I felt last year, that I had no control over his propose, that he was holding all the cards. He identified that it was ironic and did say that it's not a great feeling to not have control over something that will change your whole life! Honestly, he JUST started this baby thing a few months ago. Before we had talked about it but were not thinking about dates to start trying or ages, ect. We just said we'll have kids a few years after marriage. I think when we go to his parent's town and see my soon to be neice and nephews (who are all under the age of 4) he loves playing with them and gets all "kid crazy." He wanted to go to the bookstore and buy baby books tonight!!! He has pretty much put me on the spot with this whole baby thing, I didn't really have any kind of real timeline in mind and now he suddenly wants to plan one. It's funny what TBF said: I told him that I would get him testemonials from all my friends who have had kids and see what they have to say about pregnancy/birth! LOL I really think Fight4Me hit the nail on the head: He is upset now that he has no control over the situation and is worried that I am going to back out and not give him children. While I understand that is a valid concern, it seems like he doesn't understand the difference (or doesn't want to?) between "I'm scared to have children" and "I don't want to have children." My birth control may effect some things (depo), but I spoke with my doctor and she said it could take 6-18 months to get my fertility back OR it could come back right away. We haven't really resolved the issue, but did agree to discuss starting to try on our first wedding anniversary. That will give us a year of being married in order to adjust and all. We have lived together for 2 years but I am sure that there will be some "marriage related adjustments" as well. I'm going to stop my depo shot and we plan to use condoms until we are ready, just to make sure my fertility is back when it comes time. Really, thanks for the great advice guys, keep it coming!!!
allina Posted June 7, 2010 Posted June 7, 2010 Have you guys discussed buying a home first? I remember that it was important to you both to be financially stable out out of the apartments before even thinking about children. Don't let him pressure you in to kids, you're both already high stress people and a baby thrown in to the mix before you're both 100% ready might be tough. Make it clear that while you absolutely want to have children with him sometime soon you are not comfortable agreeing on such a close timeline.
norajane Posted June 7, 2010 Posted June 7, 2010 I think when we go to his parent's town and see my soon to be neice and nephews (who are all under the age of 4) he loves playing with them and gets all "kid crazy." Why don't you two "borrow" someone's child for a weekend. And have your bf really see what it's like to care for a child, not just play with them. If any of your friends have kids, give them the weekend off so they can have a romantic little getaway and take the kids off their hands. Let bf be responsible for them.
Els Posted June 7, 2010 Posted June 7, 2010 Why don't you two "borrow" someone's child for a weekend. And have your bf really see what it's like to care for a child, not just play with them. If any of your friends have kids, give them the weekend off so they can have a romantic little getaway and take the kids off their hands. Let bf be responsible for them. This is, IMO, a great idea.
laRubiaBonita Posted June 7, 2010 Posted June 7, 2010 why is this even a concern yet? get married FIRST- then you can think about kids..... maybe this is just a distraction from thinking wedding crap all the time (it does get old- even when you are super excited) tell him one major life step at a time.....
Author Lauriebell82 Posted June 9, 2010 Author Posted June 9, 2010 why is this even a concern yet? get married FIRST- then you can think about kids..... maybe this is just a distraction from thinking wedding crap all the time (it does get old- even when you are super excited) tell him one major life step at a time..... You may be right about the distraction. He is like baby "gung ho" right now. We went to the bookstore on Sunday and he wanted to look at baby books!!! Then today he turned on the tv show "16 and Pregnant" and said "See honey you are older then that!" He thinks I'm going to get too old (i'm 27 mind you) and then the risk of birth defects goes up. He is misinformed and I told him that the risk goes up after like age 35. The gyne told me that there is virtually no difference in "risk" between having a baby at 27 or 33. It's like he is baby obsessed..is he trying to switch me from wedding planning to baby planning? I think he's going nuts!
Major Posted June 22, 2010 Posted June 22, 2010 First of all, Kudos to you and your fiance for discussing this. You guys are off to an awesome, start. Only you and he can decide what is best. Children are not about money, a lot of people say that, however, I found that we had more than enough when we decided to have children. Children make you more responsible. I am not saying just have them and you are in a dire financial situation, however, it's up to you and your spouse to decide what you want to do. For example, some women, as soon as they are married, try to get pregnant because they always wanted kids. Well, if it hasn't been discussed, of course the husband is happy and will do what is necessary, however, sometimes, he feels that his dreams are derailed. Maybe he wanted to enjoy the first couple of years of marriage and travel. It really depends on the two of you. As I said, you are discussing it with him and that's really the best thing. People always will give you their opinion based on their specific situation, but my situation isn't yours, although it can be similar. Keep talking to your him and be honest just as you are. It sounds like the two of you will come to a decision that makes you both happy. Even him being concerned about you maybe changing your views shows how much he loves you and isn't selfish. God bless your union to be successful in everyway and with blessed little, ones when both of you are ready:)
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