What is wrong with me?

[Angel Pie]

I have just gotten myself out of a horrible 2 year relationship with a guy who had no control when he got angry - he would get mad and say the most awful things I have ever heard, he hit me a few times and the emotional abuse, lies, mistrust filled me with constant anxiety and worry. We lived together and I felt like I was on eggshells - we could never talk about our problems because he would shut down. I think he would dissociate himself when mad and then after as he would say/do mean things and never really say sorry after. He's gone now. Im free. I understand that this has nothing to do with me but his own issues within himself, his ego, his past that he doesnt know how to deal with so he stuff's it all down and tries to forget.

 

I guess now Im left with some soul searching to do. People ask me why I stayed with such a bad person - I was fixated on fixing us. There was a brief time when we were good and I missed that terribly. In my head I figured if he could somehow wake up and see what he was doing to me that he would stop and we would be ok again. That he would work with me and fix us. But he never cared, never tried, why would he stay and do this to me? He knew how badly I wanted to fix things, he knew I was losing myself, if he didnt want me or to fix things why would he stay and do this to me? Why would I stay?

 

Now - he is staying at his moms, drinking everyday, spending time with his buddies, meeting new girls. Its so easy for him to let go. Here I am alone in our house struggling, trying to figure out what the heck is wrong with me? Why Im thinking about him? Why do I care if he meets someone new? He will only hurt more women. He will never have a truly successful relationship- unless of course he finds the perfect woman- That being a woman who shuts up, never complains, never speaks her mind to him. I know I have the upper hand as I now have the chance to move on, fix whats broken in me and be happy and eventually I will have a good relationship with a man that will treat me great.

 

I didnt want to believe that I had chosen this type of person - but I did. Why? Why did I do this to myself for 2 years? Why did I accept this? Why is he ok and Im of no thought in his mind and all I can think about is everything that has happened? Am I on the right path? Is something wrong with me?

[scienceguy]

People ask me why I stayed with such a bad person - I was fixated on fixing us. There was a brief time when we were good and I missed that terribly. In my head I figured if he could somehow wake up and see what he was doing to me that he would stop and we would be ok again. That he would work with me and fix us. But he never cared, never tried, why would he stay and do this to me? He knew how badly I wanted to fix things, he knew I was losing myself, if he didnt want me or to fix things why would he stay and do this to me? Why would I stay?

 

I know you feel really bad about staying with him for so long, but I do not think you are being fair to yourself. All of us are willing to compromise in relationships because of several reasons. First, we want them to work out; being in love is one of the greatest feelings in the world. And it's natural to want to compromise so as to ensure we can keep that going. Second, every relationship has gray areas. For example, I may be upset about my girlfriend doing XYZ, but before I speak to her about it, I've gotta: calm down, decide if it's worth fighting about, and try to understand her perspective as well. In short, there's a lot of give and take in relationships, and you were doing the normal thing of trying to compromise with him. If it's anybody's fault in this matter, then it is his because he effectively exploited your trust and the relationship's gray area to hurt you.

 

I know you may be like "Alright fine. But still. Why did I stay with him for so long? Two Years." And I'll tell you that it's because abusers will exploit that trust and, over time, erode your boundaries. In the end, you will not have a proper sense of right and wrong. You may feel pretty awful about yourself about this, but again, I don't think that's fair. I doubt you've had relationships like this in the past as well. This relationship experience is pretty new to you. I bet you probably never found yourself in that type of situation before, and so you're going to make mistakes. Any new experience in your life will come with mistakes. Think about riding a bike, your first kiss or learning to read. I'm sure your first experience in any of those activities was not flawless. I know a two year relationship with an abuser is a lot different from them, but don't beat yourself up so much.

 

Now - he is staying at his moms, drinking everyday, spending time with his buddies, meeting new girls. Its so easy for him to let go. Here I am alone in our house struggling, trying to figure out what the heck is wrong with me? Why Im thinking about him? Why do I care if he meets someone new? He will only hurt more women. He will never have a truly successful relationship- unless of course he finds the perfect woman- That being a woman who shuts up, never complains, never speaks her mind to him. I know I have the upper hand as I now have the chance to move on, fix whats broken in me and be happy and eventually I will have a good relationship with a man that will treat me great.

 

I didnt want to believe that I had chosen this type of person - but I did. Why? Why did I do this to myself for 2 years? Why did I accept this? Why is he ok and Im of no thought in his mind and all I can think about is everything that has happened? Am I on the right path? Is something wrong with me?

 

He's incapable of having a healthy relationship so it doesn't matter if he dates again. Even if he does date, and gets married, then he'll probably still hurt his wife. She, however, won't have the strength to leave. I really wouldn't worry about him.

 

For what it's worth, I'm very familiar with all of this. I grew up with an abusive father and have lots of experience with the abusive dynamic. It's an awful mess. My mom really tried to compromise with my dad but no amount of compromise was enough for him. He just grabbed and grabbed and grabbed. In the end, he has so totally eroded my mom's sense of right and wrong that--and I hate to say this--she has become some sort of blathering incompetent idiot. She cannot function without him.

 

I've also seen the effects of this on my own life, and in a certain sense, can relate to your ex. Generally these types of problems come from long term exposure to an unhealthy dynamic when he was younger. So a hypothetical scenario is as follows: suppose a woman is on the verge of divorcing her husband. He's an uncontrollable jealous jerk. He visits a therapist and the therapist probes his past. It comes up that he's so jealous because, as a young boy, he really struggled around girls. And his wife is the type of girl he felt was unattainable for him. As an adult, he acts out this insecurity by being a jealous jerk to her. The only way he can deal with his jealousy is by working out his insecurities with his therapist.

 

Maybe your ex had terrible experiences as a child, and he has grown into the person he is today because of them. I know you may want to "fix" him but he is the only person who can do that. He has to admit he has a problem and see a therapist and get help. It is really tough to do something like that. The bottom line is that he has to admit there is something wrong with him as a person. He is, on some level, defective. It's really tough to swallow that. In my past relationship, I saw a lot of my father's tendencies in myself. It's absolutely brutal to come to that recognition. I have a very fractured sense of self, and it's not easy to deal with something like that. What's expected out of your ex is a tremendous change. Unfortunately no amount of love or concern on your end will make that change. He is the only person who can make that decision.

 

I know I've speculated a lot about your ex and you, but I hope I've given a decent picture of how things have panned out with him.

 

One last thing, I would suggest you speak with a therapist or counselor specializing in domestic abuse. You would really benefit from speaking with somebody who can help untangle all these feelings you have. Not only that but you'll walk out a lot stronger because you'll have a good framework to make sound judgments.

 

Anyways, good luck. Time for me to sleep. Sorry for the long and rambling post.

[newdawn]

There is nothing wrong with you, other than you are human like the rest of us. You bonded with a defective person, probably early on before you had all the information about how abusive he could be. Once healthly people bond, it's difficult to unbond, because that's how nature works to preserve the species. So no beating yourself up, it's hard to break up under any circumstances, but you have to put yourself first in this situation. Nothing good comes when you stay with an abusive person. You don't have to be angry with him, just be away from him, and build a new life with someone who is whole and can appreciate you. This one didn't. He needs help, hope he seeks it. Not your problem.

[Angel Pie]

I know you feel really bad about staying with him for so long, but I do not think you are being fair to yourself. All of us are willing to compromise in relationships because of several reasons. First, we want them to work out; being in love is one of the greatest feelings in the world. And it's natural to want to compromise so as to ensure we can keep that going. Second, every relationship has gray areas. For example, I may be upset about my girlfriend doing XYZ, but before I speak to her about it, I've gotta: calm down, decide if it's worth fighting about, and try to understand her perspective as well. In short, there's a lot of give and take in relationships, and you were doing the normal thing of trying to compromise with him. If it's anybody's fault in this matter, then it is his because he effectively exploited your trust and the relationship's gray area to hurt you.

 

I know you may be like "Alright fine. But still. Why did I stay with him for so long? Two Years." And I'll tell you that it's because abusers will exploit that trust and, over time, erode your boundaries. In the end, you will not have a proper sense of right and wrong. You may feel pretty awful about yourself about this, but again, I don't think that's fair. I doubt you've had relationships like this in the past as well. This relationship experience is pretty new to you. I bet you probably never found yourself in that type of situation before, and so you're going to make mistakes. Any new experience in your life will come with mistakes. Think about riding a bike, your first kiss or learning to read. I'm sure your first experience in any of those activities was not flawless. I know a two year relationship with an abuser is a lot different from them, but don't beat yourself up so much.

 

 

 

He's incapable of having a healthy relationship so it doesn't matter if he dates again. Even if he does date, and gets married, then he'll probably still hurt his wife. She, however, won't have the strength to leave. I really wouldn't worry about him.

 

For what it's worth, I'm very familiar with all of this. I grew up with an abusive father and have lots of experience with the abusive dynamic. It's an awful mess. My mom really tried to compromise with my dad but no amount of compromise was enough for him. He just grabbed and grabbed and grabbed. In the end, he has so totally eroded my mom's sense of right and wrong that--and I hate to say this--she has become some sort of blathering incompetent idiot. She cannot function without him.

 

I've also seen the effects of this on my own life, and in a certain sense, can relate to your ex. Generally these types of problems come from long term exposure to an unhealthy dynamic when he was younger. So a hypothetical scenario is as follows: suppose a woman is on the verge of divorcing her husband. He's an uncontrollable jealous jerk. He visits a therapist and the therapist probes his past. It comes up that he's so jealous because, as a young boy, he really struggled around girls. And his wife is the type of girl he felt was unattainable for him. As an adult, he acts out this insecurity by being a jealous jerk to her. The only way he can deal with his jealousy is by working out his insecurities with his therapist.

 

Maybe your ex had terrible experiences as a child, and he has grown into the person he is today because of them. I know you may want to "fix" him but he is the only person who can do that. He has to admit he has a problem and see a therapist and get help. It is really tough to do something like that. The bottom line is that he has to admit there is something wrong with him as a person. He is, on some level, defective. It's really tough to swallow that. In my past relationship, I saw a lot of my father's tendencies in myself. It's absolutely brutal to come to that recognition. I have a very fractured sense of self, and it's not easy to deal with something like that. What's expected out of your ex is a tremendous change. Unfortunately no amount of love or concern on your end will make that change. He is the only person who can make that decision.

 

I know I've speculated a lot about your ex and you, but I hope I've given a decent picture of how things have panned out with him.

 

One last thing, I would suggest you speak with a therapist or counselor specializing in domestic abuse. You would really benefit from speaking with somebody who can help untangle all these feelings you have. Not only that but you'll walk out a lot stronger because you'll have a good framework to make sound judgments.

 

Anyways, good luck. Time for me to sleep. Sorry for the long and rambling post.

'

 

Thank you for writing to me: You're right about so much. He definetly had a rough upbringing- never knew his dad, his mother was promiscuous, only went after men for money and tried to buy his love because she would go out partying. She gave his sister away to his father- so I assume this anger towards women stems from the relationship he had with his mother. I guess I tried to keep all of this in my mind when I saw how angry he would become. He was a perfect gentleman at first, I guess when things got bad all I just kept thinking of the good person I met and fell in love with. I wanted that back so badly that I sacrificed everything for it. I feel so stupid. I cant believe that I knew he was doing bad things and I put my beliefs aside. He was always so good at pointing the blame at me- even now, he thinks women are what made him do bad things. How can a person live their whole life and just keep blaming everybody else? Is it because he knws deep down he is a bad person and that avoiding it makes it easier on him? He must know that he has hurt me terribly. I feel almost disgusted with myself that I chose this person. I somehow attracted this person into my life- am I bad too?

 

I just cant seem to pull myself out of this- I know its fresh and will take time. All my friends tell me I should be happy to be rid of him. That I should feel relief. That im looking at this wrong. I see it as a waste of two years. They are telling me that I should see it as a learning experience. What did I need to learn this for? Why couldnt I just have found someone to love and love me back, share my life with and be happy. Thats all I wanted- but instead I got the very man I loved to hit me? To tell me I should be raped and killed. To wish evil things on me, tell me im worthless, try to cheat on me. What did I do in life to deserve this? All I did was love this guy. He said it was all my fault, Maybe this was something to make me stronger, maybe i was never as confident and independent as I thought I was. Maybe I am looking at this wrong and that I should see that this is going to turn me into a different person, maybe better. I just wish I knew the point of all this and how to not see this as a waste of two years of my life. I want to see the positive but I cant. Its like its all cloudy and all I can see are question marks, doubt, sadness, anger. I hate so much that he walks away from this feeling nothing. He has no idea what the abuse has done. I hate myself so much for ever loving him and forgiving him and wasting my own life on him. Maybe this is all my fault because if I had just left at the first sign I wouldnt be here now.

[scienceguy]

He definetly had a rough upbringing- never knew his dad, his mother was promiscuous, only went after men for money and tried to buy his love because she would go out partying. She gave his sister away to his father- so I assume this anger towards women stems from the relationship he had with his mother. I guess I tried to keep all of this in my mind when I saw how angry he would become

Yeah, I would guess that if a person suffers from such a traumatic childhood, then he would obviously have a lot of issues to deal with. Think of it: your parents are the first people you will bond with in the world, and if they are, to put it bluntly, screwed up, then what chance do you have? How do you even know what it is like to be loved? Or to give it? How can you form meaningful relationships with others when your first relationships are so deformed? Worse yet, even if wanted to change, think about how hard it would be for him to do so. What is natural and normal to him is completely wrong for everybody else. He has to unlearn what is basic and instinctive to him. How can he form a good relationship with you when he can, at best, dimly conceive what that means? He would see many other people fall in love and have great relationships, and he will see that the problem lies with him: he is the defective quantity here. It's a horrible horrible realization to come to. He may never escape it, even if he tries. To be burdened by such things would take a toll on anybody out there. And this is through no fault of his own. The split with his parents wasn't his fault, and the negligence of his mother wasn't his failure. You know, ten years down the road, you'll look at this relationship and think two things: thank god you got out, and two, you'll pity the guy because he is forever trapped by his childhood experiences.

 

Children come into the world with a clean slate, emotionally speaking. The person he becomes is, in large part, thanks to his home environment. If he grew up in such an unloving environment, then its no wonder that he's turned out to have such problems. Of course, this does not absolve him of his choices--he is an adult and made a decision to hurt you--but it does shed light on how things have come about.

 

I don't think you should feel upset about falling in love with him. That good side of him really does exist; unfortunately, it is tangled up with all these toxic stuff that happened to him as a kid. It's probably more accurate to say that you loved a part of him. Your love won't heal that damaged part of him, and frankly it isn't your responsibility to. You have every right to expect your partner to be a happy healthy and positive person. Of course all of us have our demons, but not the type your ex has. The hard truth is that he is the only person who can heal himself. He'd have to see some sort of counselor or therapist to deal with his issues. Speaking from personal experience, it's a long and hard path to go down too. It's tough to deal with these things. I've been meeting with my counselor for years, been to meetings, mentored others, and read a lot as well. Although my life is in a decent place now, I'm still deeply dissatisfied with how things have turned out. I always wonder if I didn't come from an abusive family, then where I would be now. Can I have a relationship with a girl? Or am I too "polluted" by my family experiences that I can never escape them. It's a difficult and lonely path to go down, but that's just life.

 

I just cant seem to pull myself out of this- I know its fresh and will take time. All my friends tell me I should be happy to be rid of him. That I should feel relief. That im looking at this wrong. I see it as a waste of two years. They are telling me that I should see it as a learning experience. What did I need to learn this for? Why couldnt I just have found someone to love and love me back, share my life with and be happy.

Maybe your friends really don't understand the severity of the abuse? All of us go through bad relationships, but abusive ones are a different animal altogether. They probably don't understand.

 

 

Maybe I am looking at this wrong and that I should see that this is going to turn me into a different person, maybe better. I just wish I knew the point of all this and how to not see this as a waste of two years of my life.

I ask myself this question as well. Unfortunately I don't have the answer. I can tell you that going through an experience like this does make you stronger. But the "why" question is a mystery to me.

 

I don't want to harp on this point too much, but I can't stress enough that you should talk to a therapist/counselor specializing in these types of issues. There are a lot of resources out there and making a connection will help you a lot. Further, you'll derive some strength because you'll probably meet other folks who have been in similar situations. You're not alone in this.

 

P.S. Thanks. I'm glad you found my previous post to be helpful. If there's something "graitifying" of this terrible experience I'm going through, then it is the fact that I can, in my own small way, help somebody else out there. The unique hell that comes from this is known only to a portion of the people out there, and I'll do what I can to help others get out of it.

[paleblue]

Nothing is wrong with you. You just got caught up in someone who didn’t care as much as you did. It happens. Learn from it. Next time you will do better. And I seriously hope you do not consider being friends, or staying in contact, with someone who would actually physically abuse you. Do it and I will come to Halifax and kick you’re a**!! You should be pissed. You are more valuable than that as a person. Seriously. This guy doesnt even deserve the right to look at you.

[Angel Pie]

Yeah, I would guess that if a person suffers from such a traumatic childhood, then he would obviously have a lot of issues to deal with. Think of it: your parents are the first people you will bond with in the world, and if they are, to put it bluntly, screwed up, then what chance do you have? How do you even know what it is like to be loved? Or to give it? How can you form meaningful relationships with others when your first relationships are so deformed? Worse yet, even if wanted to change, think about how hard it would be for him to do so. What is natural and normal to him is completely wrong for everybody else. He has to unlearn what is basic and instinctive to him. How can he form a good relationship with you when he can, at best, dimly conceive what that means? He would see many other people fall in love and have great relationships, and he will see that the problem lies with him: he is the defective quantity here. It's a horrible horrible realization to come to. He may never escape it, even if he tries. To be burdened by such things would take a toll on anybody out there. And this is through no fault of his own. The split with his parents wasn't his fault, and the negligence of his mother wasn't his failure. You know, ten years down the road, you'll look at this relationship and think two things: thank god you got out, and two, you'll pity the guy because he is forever trapped by his childhood experiences.

 

Children come into the world with a clean slate, emotionally speaking. The person he becomes is, in large part, thanks to his home environment. If he grew up in such an unloving environment, then its no wonder that he's turned out to have such problems. Of course, this does not absolve him of his choices--he is an adult and made a decision to hurt you--but it does shed light on how things have come about.

 

I don't think you should feel upset about falling in love with him. That good side of him really does exist; unfortunately, it is tangled up with all these toxic stuff that happened to him as a kid. It's probably more accurate to say that you loved a part of him. Your love won't heal that damaged part of him, and frankly it isn't your responsibility to. You have every right to expect your partner to be a happy healthy and positive person. Of course all of us have our demons, but not the type your ex has. The hard truth is that he is the only person who can heal himself. He'd have to see some sort of counselor or therapist to deal with his issues. Speaking from personal experience, it's a long and hard path to go down too. It's tough to deal with these things. I've been meeting with my counselor for years, been to meetings, mentored others, and read a lot as well. Although my life is in a decent place now, I'm still deeply dissatisfied with how things have turned out. I always wonder if I didn't come from an abusive family, then where I would be now. Can I have a relationship with a girl? Or am I too "polluted" by my family experiences that I can never escape them. It's a difficult and lonely path to go down, but that's just life.

 

Maybe your friends really don't understand the severity of the abuse? All of us go through bad relationships, but abusive ones are a different animal altogether. They probably don't understand.

 

 

I ask myself this question as well. Unfortunately I don't have the answer. I can tell you that going through an experience like this does make you stronger. But the "why" question is a mystery to me.

 

I don't want to harp on this point too much, but I can't stress enough that you should talk to a therapist/counselor specializing in these types of issues. There are a lot of resources out there and making a connection will help you a lot. Further, you'll derive some strength because you'll probably meet other folks who have been in similar situations. You're not alone in this.

 

P.S. Thanks. I'm glad you found my previous post to be helpful. If there's something "graitifying" of this terrible experience I'm going through, then it is the fact that I can, in my own small way, help somebody else out there. The unique hell that comes from this is known only to a portion of the people out there, and I'll do what I can to help others get out of it.

 

 

You're post helped out more than you know-It's been about 2 weeks since my last post and I'm starting to feel better. It helps to understand where all of his hate and anger derives from. I know it doesnt make it right. I now feel a relief that he is gone. My life has changed so much and I'm happy now. Sometimes I hear from him and all I feel is anger, if someone mentions his name, again, I feel anger. I even became friends with his ex who told me what their relationship was like...sadly this abuse is nothing new. Listening to her talk of what happened felt like I was listening to myself talk. It's amazing because he manipulated me into thinking that it was all her fault...just like he does with me now, he manipulated me into thinking it was all my fault. Contacting her made me nervouse but I felt I needed to know as much information as I could so that I could truly understand that this was not my fault and that this is him. It's scary because the only thing that changes with him...is the girl. It seems also that it has gotten worse each time with him, so you are so right, years from now Im going to be thankful I got away...Im thankful now.

 

I really want to let go of my anger towards him. Harbouring anger and resentment is not the way to go but I cant seem to find it within myself to do that. His ex still has anger but she seems to be more at a neutral place and almost a place that she feels pity on him as she has come to understanding of why he is this way. She told me she felt the same as I do now and that it will take some time for me to feel nothing for him. No hate no love. Just nothing. Its really hard to forgive someone who never said sorry...maybe this will make me a stronger person or something? For me to let go of the anger, and find forgiveness for him within myself without telling him, does that mean he has gotten away with what hes done?