To stay or go?

[weeble78]

Thank you so much for your sensible words. I am feeling so emotional right now, and in shock. I never thought anything like this would happen. I've tried to communicate maturely in order for us to both have 100% understanding of what we're each feeling. I'll be the first to admit I can be a little hot headed.

 

While we were arguing - or he was having a go - I said maybe three times, or I queried, our compatibility as I don't think we should be having nasty arguments like these. I think he took this to heart and he said he wasn't questinoing anything about our relationship, and asked if I was sure. I said no, and that we just need to do wahtever will make each of us happy.

 

He keeps calling and has apologised for walking out. I've just told him I want to speak another day and not on the phone.

 

I feel sick. Am I crazy? Am I with the wrong person? Am I making massive mistakes here?

 

I wish I could get a hug.

[blueberries]

awwww i'm sorry you're going through this. i have a few comments on this.

 

first, i think he's backpedaling. from experience, i think he's rethought his future with you...perhaps he's scared to be moving in with your, or even maybe he's questioning on whether or not you're the one...

 

second, the whole facebook thing.... i think what he's doing is keeping his options open...he's senile about posting pics and stuff because he's afraid someone might see that he's taken or happy in a relationship.

 

third, he calls you creepy/stalkerish because he probably has something to hide and is transferring onto you. he's trying to make you feel like the bad guy here.

 

again, i'm sorry that you're hurting like this. it's never easy, no matter how many times you go through it. but if it were me, i wouldn't want to stick around and invest in someone who doesn't want to be with me...i'd want someone who wants to make plans, and stick with those plans... again, i'm sorry i know what you're going through.

[weeble78]

Can anyone tell me why on earth he would be backpedaling?

 

I gave him every chance last night to say it was too much too soon, he didn't want to do it - everything. And he said he wants to marry me and have children with me, the whole shebang (which, to be fair, he's been saying a long time).

 

When he left, he started calling and calling, and left a Vmail saying how sorry he was he'd left.

 

I plan on taking some space and rethinking this whole thing.

 

He could have come back after leaving last night - come back and made the whole thing better. But he left after knowing it was the one thing I couldn't handle him doing, after saying that if he left, we'd be broken.

 

It almost sounds to me like he's trying to push me to break things up, like he's trying to get some space without even having to ask for it.

 

I don't want to be second best. I want a boy who is head over heels in love with me and can't wait to move in/marry me/create a whole life together.

 

Why why why would somebody tell you they want to move in and marry you but then behave like this? Am I such a sh*t person they couldn't care less?

 

Does anybody think this has gone too far to let him sort things out?

 

I'm now thinking the only way to go is for us to breakup.

[harmfulsweetz]

Thank you so much for your sensible words. I am feeling so emotional right now, and in shock. I never thought anything like this would happen. I've tried to communicate maturely in order for us to both have 100% understanding of what we're each feeling. I'll be the first to admit I can be a little hot headed.

 

While we were arguing - or he was having a go - I said maybe three times, or I queried, our compatibility as I don't think we should be having nasty arguments like these. I think he took this to heart and he said he wasn't questinoing anything about our relationship, and asked if I was sure. I said no, and that we just need to do wahtever will make each of us happy.

 

He keeps calling and has apologised for walking out. I've just told him I want to speak another day and not on the phone.

 

I feel sick. Am I crazy? Am I with the wrong person? Am I making massive mistakes here?

 

I wish I could get a hug.

 

*HUG*

 

You're not crazy, I think you're with the wrong guy because a guy does not walk out just because he's been confronted with issues. You can't live walking on eggshells, he has some growing up to do. I think everyone makes mistakes somewhere along the line, but that does not give him the right to manipulate your feelings so that you feel 100% to blame. By walking out, he placed the onus on you, because I bet he doesn't feel so bad, yet you're left wondering what you did so wrong to cause him to walk out on you.

 

In your previous post, you said he threatened to walk out (which he did) and if he walked out, you were over. Well, I'd tell him right now that ok, seeing as you walked out and that meant you walked out on us, don't come back. I'd pull right back from this dude if you want to stay with him, for a week or so, let him work for you. Let him confront you with issues. He clearly has them otherwise he wouldn't have ever made snide comments.

[weeble78]

Harmfulsweetz - thanks so much for your hug

 

So, since last night - first he sent angry texts: I don't take his feelings into account, he's fed up of the way I talk to him. I replied so am I and how shocked I was he's walked out on the relationship but I accept his decision and to take care. THen he said how much he loves me and he hopes I don't throw all this away for this argument.

 

He texted this morning asking if I was ok. I said I was tired, upset and gutted to the bottom of my heart and that I did not deserve it and enough is enough. I said I don't want to talk or see him.

 

He sent a long very apologetic email, saying how much he cares for me and is gutted he has hurt me so much. that he'd acted on impulse and that the last 6 months have been the happiest he's ever been. Later he texted to ask me to meet him later for a chat, that he wanted to apologise in person and that he's missing me deeply.

 

I replied saying he'd made the decision to leave when he walked out the door and I am sorry if he didn't mean it but I accepted it. I then asked for time to myself. I had a long response full of apologies, saying how much he's hurting, basically panicking etc. I'm a little angry he won't leave me alone to think.

 

This morning I was close to packing up all the things he has given me, leavng them on his doorstep and saying it's over asI don't want to be treated like this. I thought about things though and I can't sayI want this to be the end of everything.

 

It seems every time the relationship deepens or gets more serious, he has a little freakout - which usually I tend to ignore and then he comes back. I won't ignore these little comments though and have picked him up on them every time, particularly when they've been spiteful.

 

He says he wants to marry me and for us to be together properly. Now I'm wondering if he's just saying these things to keep us together. I don't want to waste time on a guy if he's not 'the one'. I know you can't know this, but if he definitely knows I'm not 'the one' I 'd rather finish it now.

 

I'm in such a muddle, very confused, and don't really know what to think.

 

Help

[weeble78]

Thanks so much for your answer - this has really struck a chord with me.

 

Do I come across as insecure and paranoid?

 

I'm happy that it seems normal he is settling down after the initial dating period. I was just struck by the amount of reasons he came up with not to move in and didn't like the way he wanted things to remain a secret. I don't want to be kept a secret. Does this really make me demanding and needy? (Seriously - I'd like honest opinions here).

 

 

I agree I could have calmed things down but got scared when he started raising his voice. Now when I argue with someone, it is easier to escalate it and have a reason to put teh phone down. Cowardly I know - but I get terrified when arguments start.

 

I don't want to break up with him no, but I will do this if it is the best thing for both of us. I don't feel I'm in a position of power, and am trying to take time to think of a reasonable way of mending things if they can be mended, without escalating things further and getting both of us more hurt.

 

I agree I should look at things more realistically, but I don't know how. I am scared he is telling me what I want to hear and is going to do a runner just when I finally admit I want the same thing. I don't understand how I didn't give him space in the beginning though. He was the one always following me around everywhere, brought up being in love, meeting his family and friends, moving in together, etc - he invites me along on everything with his friends and wants me to be there all the time.

 

Also the night he had plans with his friends, I went over to talk to him before he went out, not during. He told me he could spare 15 mins and then I had to leave. I was also headed on a night out myslef with my own friends.

 

I don't feel I am self-righteous, I do feel that he can manipulate me and be spiteful towards me when he has things on his mind and does not tell me.

 

Feedback would be brilliant, as this has been really helpful to me - thanks.

[carhill]

I saw similar intensity (of examination) in a past thread which I had responded to. Relaxation, acceptance and 'giving him space' would be my recipe. Sometimes it's as much the tone of the interaction as it is the meat of the interaction which determines the direction of the interaction. It's OK to be single and loving to mingle for awhile longer

[weeble78]

Thanks for your long reply.

 

So do you think my boyfriend thinks I'm insecure?

 

My boyfriend did, by the way, say that he wants to keep moving in a secret. He has reiterated this several times in the last two days. He does nto want me to tell anybody until we have put a deposit down on a place. I told him this made me uncomfortable but agreed to do it.

 

I don't understand how you think I have punished him. I was at work yesterday and told him I didn't want to speak to him or see him (because he kept emailing and texting me), and then I went to see him after work to chat. He clung to me yesterday and cried about everything and said how bad he felt walking out and it was a mistake. He said that moving in is somethng he can't wait to do but has to wait until he has money. I told him we should drop that for now, and just take every day as it comes and concentrate on having fun. He was happy at this. He told me he was stressed with his having no job at the moment, and was tired when it all happened, and that he shouldn't have started shouting at me on the phone. He said he felt like I'd dropped a bombshell on him, and that I made him feel inadequate and like crap which was why he got so defensive and angry. I apologised for my part in it adn told him how much he means to me. He did the same, and reiterated again that he wants tomarry me.

 

I feel my security in the realtionship was brought into question when he started the stalker/weird behaviour comments, and asked every time after I went out 'did you leave early so you could come and see me', and also the annoyance of me putting pics on FBK.. I wouldn't have thought those things would be a problem 6 months in.

 

I also get insecure because if we disagree ever about anything, he does litlte things like leaving 'x's' off texts, like taking hours to call me back, like dropping me at the last minute. All these things I try and take in my stride, and if I do, he eventually stops doing it.

 

We both have a past of being cheated on and taken advantage of. We are both aware of this and realise that sometimes it creates problems, but we have agreed to try and hit everything on the head by talking about things. He doesn't always tell me when things are bothering him, instead I get barbed comments for a day or two and then he'll deny anything is wrong. Several weeks later, however, he'll then admit that he was upset about something. That is why I don't like these barbed comments because I know that 99% of the time there is something behind them.

 

I am trying not to create drama, but I find that sometimes he can behave from an insecure point of view and when he's trying to draw me in to get some kind of reassurance, sometimes I react. I agree that I blew this out of proportion, but the last 2 weeks have been extremely stressful in every area of my life nad I have found it hard to just ignore his playing up.

 

I'm guessing the stalker comments came because I'm happy having an independent life and sometimes he doesn't like this. I don't like him coming along to everything I do and have got to the point where I have to say. He has complained this makes him feel like a stalker. I think he was trying to make me feel as bad as he does whenever I'm trying to get my own space.

 

Anyway, I'm really appreciating this feedback so thank you very much. I feel like there are dynamics at work driven by past behaviour and we need to get past them. I guess this is what I'm trying to figure out.

[BWLoca]

Honestly, your boyfriend sounds very immature. His communication style, vengeful... He didn't have the money. So why not just tell you that? He just lost his job, correct? It's not like it's a big secret.

 

How long can you take his comments in stride?

 

Why does he want to keep moving in a secret?

 

 

I am trying not to create drama, but I find that sometimes he can behave from an insecure point of view and when he's trying to draw me in to get some kind of reassurance, sometimes I react.

 

You seem to have this trait in common.

[weeble78]

Hey

 

Well in answer to your questions, when we first talked about moving in and soon, he hadn't lost his job, so there was no problem with money. It was about wanting to spend the summer in the house with his friends. It has now become 'the only reason I can't move in is because of the money and I'll have to wait till I get a job'. He's said he can't wait to live with me and looks forward to us being together properly.

 

Last night he asked me to stay over his house more often, and spend more time with him and his friends.

 

I can take most of his comments in stride because I realised early on they stemmed from him being insecure. When I provided him the safety of not kicking off and threatening to leave him, by sitting down and discussing them with him calmly, he stopped doing it. As I understand, his ex-fiancee used to be very spiteful in making comments about him in front of all their friends and then she'd threaten to leave him all the time. No excuse, but sometimes I feel he's testing me. It's good for me as well to learn not to behave off reactions and try to be the calm person in the relationship.

 

As for keeping it a secret - I get the feeling he's never had a close group of friends like this before. He basks in being part of a group of lovely guys, and they all love him. He's very proud of this, andhis house is the social centre of all their friends - it's where it all happens. I get the feeling he is worried about being somewhat excluded from the hub of everything once he tells them he's moving out, as two of them are always taking the mickey saying he'll be the first to go with a girlfriend and settle down etc. Childish perhaps, but that's the feeling I get. I don't really feel deep down that it's for shady reasons, but there's always the possibility that he's not really sure about me